After almost dying of pneumonia 5 weeks ago Dad (90) miraculously recovered but fell a few days later from his hospital-bed and broke his cheekbone. He had to undergo surgery and felt so frail that he asked me to find him a place in AL, fearing that he would not be able to deal with my demented Mother (80) at home anymore.
I was skeptical since on multiple former occasions he had already turned down AL places last minute, but ok: I set the process in motion once again. Spent hours on the phone trying to find him a place nearby, did a lot of paperwork, transported his things to the AL - got everything prepared and assisted in his admission interview etc. Everything seemed well.
Early morning after just one night in AL he attacked me via phone in the most icy and hateful way for having taken his freedom away, something I had "secretly and maliciously been planning for the last few years", and he "thanked" me for getting rid of him "just like this". Two hours later he was back in his own house with the help of a friend.
His attack left me in total shock, the more as he is NOT suffering from dementia but is clear-minded and highly eloquent. For the last 5 weeks I had torn myself apart between his hospital stay(s), doctors calls, finding AL and spending time with Mom so she does not feel too lost. Again, I neglected my son, my house, my friends, myself ---- so I was so furious and hurt by his comments that I could hardly breathe. After a long cry I withdrew my contact number from all services regarding my parents and gave my brother's number instead, canceled POA and felt RELIEF.
In the evening my brother called, after a long talk he obviously had with Dad, and tried to make excuses for Dad's behavior (old, afraid of death, frail etc.). Once again I was supposed to push my own feelings aside like I did all my life, being a typical parentified child, and was asked to call Dad for the sake of "peace". I refused. Told my brother that I was done for good.
Shortly after my mother called, wailing on voicemail that I should call my poor suffering father. He did not even have the courage to call himself but let Mom and Bro do the diplomacy. By that time, I knew that this pattern I knew only too well from childhood would repeat and repeat endlessly until I would get out, so I called Dad (who was not even apologizing, pretending he would not remember what he had said) and told him as calmly as possible that he could live as he wanted and I would honor his freedom, but it was about time I honored my own freedom, too. I would not accept to be treated this way anymore and that it obviously would be better for their sake and mine if I stopped my caregiving role altogether.
Haven't heard from him since, but the first "flying monkeys" already tried to manipulate me back into the system. Seems the smear campaign and pity party are set in full motion. To clarify: it is not only my Father who regularly puts me down and makes me responsible for his feelings, but my Mother even more, so she is not an innocent victim here.
How do I prevent falling back into the trap? I cannot stand another round of abuse, but having been trained all my life to put my parents' needs first, I fear I might not withstand the outside pressure and internal guilt, especially since death may be around the corner.
Any suggestions would be very helpful. Thank you!
Unless you find some small pleasure, an almost subliminal eyes-rolling-back-in your-head euphoria in this torturous pas de deux (trois), for a small fee I can come over and paddle your butt to help you back to your beautiful new found senses.
Your letter shows a very healthy awakening but it's like quiting any bad habit your resolve is new and uncomfortable. It will become more familiar and you will feel solidly refreshed and amazed at yourself with time.
When you need to keep from falling back reread your post. It's very good and clear.
Guilt? Should the mistreated feel guilt or should those who mistreat feel guilt?
This is a great lesson on aging and relationships for you son to witness.
Imagine the sweetest, unselfish, gracious parents in the world. They do exist. Imagine how satisfying and easy it would be help those type of parents in their older years. Imagine that they are appreciative. Imagine that they prevent you from feeling the pain you're feeling. And after they've passed, imagine you bless their memory with smiles and a grateful heart. Did your parents give you this gift?
Just continue to be the example. Don't waste your beatup heart anymore and keep up your new good you.
Just pray and seek the guidance of the All Mighty God!
My question for you is, do you think of yourself as the one at fault in your situation, the one who does wrong and gets in a pickle? You don't have POA which means you don't have the authority, but you have all the burden/responsibility. This isn't right. Praying for strength to endure the wrongness is one way. Another way is to take action to correct the wrong.
This is when you ask your friends for support. Schedule time with other people, Maybe you want to block calls from family for a week, leave a message with bro, that you are not available right now.
You must take care fo yourself first! Nobody else will.
Hey, you great, fantastic, supportive people out there!
I've good news to share: my rehabilitation got through - I am starting in 2 weeks! :-))))))))))))))
JUST
IN
TIME!
Love & hugs to you all!
Have you evercread about F.O.G-- Fear, Obligation and Guilt? It's how manipulative people work to control those around them. And the "I'll be dead soon" is a prime example of how they work.
And casting you as an "unloved, hysterical woman"? That is classic narcissist's speak for "only serving me gives your poor pitiful life any value" Tell your dad that HE'S the weed now.
I have a movie I want you to watch. It's called "Now, Voyager". Bette Davis, Paul Henreid and Claude Rains. It's very instructive.
thanks for the Bette Davis movie tip. I'm trying to find a way to stream it online. She has been wonderful in "Hush hush... sweet Charlotte", a perfect example for being abused by gaslighting.
Looking forward to it!
Hugs Unkraut
Recognising poor communication methods, manipulation & use of 'flying monkeys' is a learned skill. Well done again.
Cutting through those monkeys to call Dad direct is a very positive step to changing the pattern. Very well done.
Stepping back to a safer distance, including not accepting abuse & resigning POA duties. Very well done again.
It takes YEARS for some to get where you have.
What I have seen next is;
Next chosen one/POA towes the line. Then gets the same abusive & manipulation treatment. Learns what you did. Steps back.
Once all adult children are exhausted, the next chosen one/POA is chosen. A niece/nephew is invited into the fold "all my children are.. insert one of: hopeless, greedy, selfish, drug addicts". Maybe the dangle of a will is used. If no nieces/nephews take the bait, a guilable housecleaner is next "all my family are thieves".
Depending on your family size, it's possible that Dad will expire before he runs out of nieces & nephews...
I met one 'Gent' last year (before he met his end) busy trying to locate nephew #2 before sacking nephew #1 as POA (son long since sacked).
Unkraut, I send you the biggest hug I can 🤗
Beatty,
it TOOK me years. :-)))))))
- an abusive childhood
- being scapegoated
- a nice collection of abusive relationships
- and 3 years of caregiving
I am still shaky but hope to stand firm.
Love & Hugs
You ended the POA. Don't let false guilt trick you into taking back that responsibility. Parents need to learn that they have to take responsibility for their own lives especially in old age. We are not old age insurance, and we don't deserve the abuse when we are trying to help.
I read your reply to InfamilyService.
You think that if you walk away, "flying monkeys, reassuring each other that they did no wrong, and that i am just a hysteric unloved single woman who needs to take out her frustration on innocent old folks..."
Your choices are either be abused by your parents to the end of time, or be thought of (wrongly) as a hysteric unloved single woman. Choice one is clearly much worse than choice two. And if you develop thick skin, and brush off their opinion as that of crazy irrelevant people, then you can just flush their opinion down the toilet where it belongs.
Go live your life freely. If they talk bad about you, that's because they are jealous of you.
It helps when I look at it this way "If I am going to be attacked and criticized anyway, I might as well deserve it and take care of myself."
Dad chooses.
He likes or dislikes the outcome. Shrug.
Was HIS decision - the consequences are also his.
When one starts to look at the wreckage from growing up with very dysfunctional parents, grief comes to the surface. The grieving comes from realizing that you lost out on good, healthy parenting that could have given you a stronger foundation for life. And then it will be there when you recognize that kind and accepting words will never come from them.
You have listened to your gut and taken the right, corrective action. If there’s contact with your brother, listen again so you don’t get sucked in. Take ownership of the healthy decisions for you and your son. Don’t worry about figuring this out in your 50s. Many caregivers don’t ever let go of bad situations because they can’t stand up to unreasonable parents.
You need a break and focus on yourself and your family.
Dear InFamilyService, I must admit that I hope for that too. Would be so lovely to me.
But the more probable version is that they ganged up with some flying monkeys, reassuring each other that they did no wrong, and that i am just a hysteric unloved single woman who needs to take out her frustration on innocent old folks...
Try to think of the situation in these terms. Your parents are enjoying life right now because of you. The pity party is jumping. Mom and dad are loving all sympathy and attention people are paying them. That gift is from you. I'm guessing some of that attention and pity is probably coming from people who weren't bothering with them all that much before, or at all. This happens with situations like yours. The elderly parents suddenly get an army of allies (family members, acquaintances) who probably didn't pay them much attention before. People who never helped out with any of their care needs. People who wouldn't be bothered to just come and sit with your demented mother for a few hours to help out. Then there's a reason for a pity party because there's a new villain in town and all the 'flying monkeys' start showing up. Mom and dad become V.I.P.'s to these people who couldn't care less before.
You've also gifted them with a spring of complaining that they can draw on which never runs dry.
The people who know you know that you didn't do anything wrong. You helped your parents and did right by them in spite of their abusive treatment of you. Their "allies" who are buying into their lying crap about you can go pound sand. You don't need them and shouldn't even give them a thought. You have your own life with people in it like your son who love and respect you. Be with them and let your brother handle it with your parents. You can offer to help him because he's your brother, but only in indirect ways that will not involve seeing or speaking to your parents.
I'd like to say from one family scapegoat to another, that I'm proud of you for extracting yourself from an abusive and toxic situation. You did the right thing because no one has to tolerate abuse even if it's coming from people with dementia.
BurntCaregiver, for your exact estimation of where I'm being at. It made me cry. You are like a pathfinder for giving me validation and the right direction.
I was very shaky today since there has been complete radio silence from my parents part. I know I should love it but instead it makes me anxious. In a way I was hoping for my Dad to call and apologize so that I would not have to take the next (hard) step, but he did not.
Questioning my decision a lot, though deep down I know it is the right one. Trying to stay firm, but no guarantee given...
This is true about dementia, but I'd be willing to bet that the OP's mother treated her this way long before there was ever any dementia. They usually do.
Your father has his faculties. Your mother and father have people who can look after them. You've taken all proper steps to step away. You've recognized their abuse and their abusive pattern.
You've put them first for so long, and I am SO relieved for you that you've put yourself and all things that matter to you first.
Don't hesitate to block the flying monkeys. Give yourself time and peace to settle yourself in to your new world.
If your dad went to AL where was your mom? You say she has dementia, she can not live alone at this point.
You mention your dad had surgery. Often it takes a while to FULLY recover from the effects of anesthesia and that may have been the case here. And while your dad may not have been diagnosed with dementia there is the possibility that he does have some cognitive impairment. OK, now that I am done making excuses for him.....
One of the most difficult things to do as "caregivers" and family members of those that need care is to step back, and let things progress as they need to. It is often not until there is some catastrophic event that "forces" someone into Assisted Living or Memory Care VIA a stint in rehab.
Stand your ground. You know what you can handle.
Side note..
With any conversation on the phone or in person remember this.
Do not argue. Calmly say.. "I am not going to tolerate you talking to me in this manner, if it continues I will hang up" If it continues HANG up. No good bye just hang up. If this happens in person say "I am not going to listen to you talk to me in this manner, if it does not stop I am going to leave" If it continues leave. If they are in your house tell them to leave. Does not matter if you are in the middle of dinner. Your house, your rules!
Again I am going with the assumption your dad has some cognitive impairment. Arguing will only frustrate you and will have no effect on him (or your mom)
:)
hug!! although your answer is directed at OP, i find it useful for me:
your point about, could the LO have cognitive impairment (even if undiagnosed)?
luckily my LO is lucid, no cognitive impairment.
BUT it's true that sometimes one can slowly slide into cognitive impairment, and making bad decisions can be a symptom of that.
my LO sometimes makes bad decisions.
...and if someone is changing their mind constantly - it can also be an indication that they're not mentally stable (maybe not cognitively impaired -- but perhaps not in a good state to be making good, wise decisions).
...some people are temporarily "not thinking straight".
...so, one tries one's best to make decisions with - or for - one's LOs.
-----
anyway, certainly it's not easy getting elderly, and one should of course have compassion.
as one person on this website writes, "seek first to understand, then to be understood."
-----
luckily my LO is lucid.
but some decisions aren't good.
sometimes it's a case of an elderly person not wanting to admit they need more help. i have one LO who doesn't mind at all admitting they need help. always sweet, always appreciating help. always smiling/happy (throughout their life).
my technique is to re-visit the topic (for example, my solution to problem X, Y, Z). sometimes, my LO (the LO who sometimes makes bad decisions), at last agrees to try the solutions.
...example: very recently i bought an electric bed to make life much easier for LO to get out of bed.
...let's not even talk about how long it took to get an "ok, let's do it".
:)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JJNNmUAreoo
It really hit home. :(
I guess I am on the right path going no contact.
Lots of love and support to all the struggling scapegoats on this board!
If the flying monkeys contact you again, give them the same contact numbers and suggest they take it on. You’ve not been successful, they may do it better. You will be in touch with the parents once a monkey has been successful in getting them to settle into the care that the monkeys think they need. You must be doing the wrong way, you need someone else to try.
Blame yourself, and ask them to do it better. Don't justify yourself, it won't help. Let them feel superior. And it's just possible that a monkey who is 'outside the game' may genuinely be more successful!
I haven't contacted my parents since the last phone talk - but then again neither have they.
There surely are enough flying monkeys around to wait on my parents and listen to the sob story they've been probably spreading about me coldheartedly abandoning them...
There is a seminal work done in the late 60s or 70s, don't recall the author's name, on the 4 types of parents:
They are something like "indulgent", "authoritarian' "authoritative" and "neglectful".
The neglectful types are those dealing with their own issues. Their children, in general, have poor outcomes.
Ah, found it!: https://www.parentingforbrain.com/4-baumrind-parenting-styles/
I think you've done enough.
i want to add something.
you can have a totally clear conscience, that you did all you could to help.
enormous effort. you tried and tried, organized, even helped move.
your father doesn't say it -- i'll say it for him:
"dear daughter, you are amazing!!!! you helped me with everything, again and again. also this time! although i've gone back and forth on AL, you helped yet again! and again i changed my mind! and...i treated you horribly on the phone, and i falsely blamed/accused you. you only helped me, and to boot, i asked you to do this. you're the best daughter anyone could ask for. i'm sorry. i appreciate so very much all your kindness. please protect your life. our family is abusive towards you sometimes. i'm sorry. you don't deserve any of that. please focus on your life. build your life."
Would you adopt me, please? ;-)
unkraut means weed (i speak german). i wonder what the story is behind your name.
hugs to you!!
i was verrry recently, in a very similar situation --- i spent hours/weeks helping, trying to find something (the person wanted this), and when i found it, the person screamed at me they don't want it.
no "thanks for your time, but no thanks, i've changed my mind."
just screaming.
i was very depressed/upset, after.
as they say,
"before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by *ssholes."
-----
your father attacking you on the phone...
:(
me getting attacked verbally...
:(
it has an impact.
you'll feel awful/angry/depressed.
i, like you, just now, spent weeks helping.
the person wasted my time.
------
it happens. people can change their minds. but normally, it's, "thank you so much!!! and i'm so sorry. i changed my mind. thanks, but no thanks."
not being screamed at, for helping - and you were asked to do it.
so, unkraut, i just went through a similar thing.
in my case, the person is also completely lucid, and remembers very well they asked me to help.
-----
remember, abusive people have this attitude:
"i don't like the situation i'm in, AND IT'S YOUR FAULT."
-----
you've decided to stop caregiving.
-----
we must definitely protect our own lives.
time -- does not come back.
-----
protect your life.
build your life.
live a full life. :)
------
on my side, i have plenty of problems i need to sort out, so i've decided to focus on that.
-----
only you know what's the right balance: me-time vs. helping others.
in my own experience, it is very good sometimes to take a break.
big decisions can be taken later.
take a break, protect yourself from abuse. be kind to yourself.
already after being away from abuse for a few days, one feels better.
-----
in this cycle of abuse, one tends to forget the bad things...
perhaps write a letter to yourself, reminding yourself how you feel right now, what you want your future self to remember --- so you don't fall into future traps.
------
dear unkraut,
of course you don't deserve this awful behavior.
it's totally unjust, wrong.
------
please pamper yourself.
extra-super-sweet to yourself.
listen to kind, loving people.
hug!!!!
bundle of joy :)
Brilliant quote, I'll keep that in mind!
"protect your life.
build your life.
live a full life. :)"
Just wondering why this is so hard for me to do. Looking back even at my failed love-relationships I never managed to protect my life or put my interests first. In my 30s I lost a promising career by spending crucial years trying to "fix" an abusive relationship.
Putting others first didn't even feel like a sacrifice because my life seemed to matter less to me than the lives of others. No problem to take a stand for another person, but for me? So sad, all these wasted years and opportunities. Re-building myself now in my 50s is hard, but it is better than giving up.
When I was a kid my father tried to sell his and my mother's self-centered and neglectful parenting-style for ultimate freedom for us KIDS and proudly stated that Bro and I were not raised but "allowed to grow wild and free like weed" (Unkraut). Freedom it was - for THEM!
Nice try. Not falling for THAT ploy again, Lucy, says Charlie Brown. Right?
Well don't!
The ball is in your court now so KEEP it there! The flying monkey siblings can figure all this nonsense out now on their own, w/o your help, b/c you're done. You'll be happy to visit the folks if & when you can, keeping things cordial, dropping by for a quick cuppa & a kiss on the cheek, then you'll leave thru the same door you entered.
Enough is enough.
Take whatever calls you want, let the rest go to voicemail. The fact here is that the narcs need an audience & fuel to function: no audience & no fuel forces them to move on to find a new audience to play to. That's the key for YOU: consistency. Don't back down from the stance you take. Don't take the calls you don't want to deal with and make sure they KNOW it. Don't crack either, b/c they'll see it and swoop in the first chance they can.
You have nothing to feel guilty about, either. You tried to help, the folks won't allow it, so your hands are tied. Even if death is imminent, you have STILL done your very best for them, it is THEY who have stymied your best efforts. #Truth. Repeat that fact to yourself as needed to remind yourself you're a good daughter and not some monster you may be portrayed as. This whole issue is THEIRS to own entirely, in reality, not something you've 'done wrong'.
Parents like this want to make it seem like everything is 'our fault' but the reality is quite the opposite. I spent my life feeling a low level of guilt for no good reason, too, b/c my mother enjoyed playing the victim at MY expense! It took her death for that truth to be revealed to me. Too bad she couldn't be honest with me while she was alive, so that we could have enjoyed a decent relationship, but she didn't have it in her I guess. It was her mental illness that deprived me of what could've been between us; not MY lack of being a good daughter. I hope that statement sinks in with you NOW. :)
Best of luck establishing YOUR game plan now! Just be firm and don't give in.
Still I do not see myself calling or checking in on my parents anytime soon. Need that space now for myself.
And tell yourself, when you're tempted, that you are not setting yourself up again. Think of any invitation or cry for help as meaning "can't you just hold still so we can slap you? Please please please, awww, please, don't be mean, it doesn't hurt..."
LOL. Thanks for making me laugh - it is exactly that!
When you tell someone No, you are not responsible for the reaction u get.
Its said many times on this forum:
"No is a one word sentence" and "guilt is self-imposed".
Give Dad/Mom a list of Assisted Livings. Then tell them its up to them to call and set up appointments to talk to the directors. You will not be doing the groundwork anymore. Give them the numbers of Office of Aging and Adult protection services and any other number where there is help for them.
"Again I neglected my son, my house, my friends, myself" make all this your priority. Mom and Dad come in second and always should have. I bet they have never done anything for you. It should go both ways.
They now need you more than you need them. Keep that in mind. Seems Dad uses you as a scapegoat. Expecting you to do all the work and then saying you are the problem. This is the time to step back. You are not going to get an apology because Dad is a Narcissist. Look it up bet he fits the discription. As long as you are doing for them, he is going to blame you. When Mom or brother calls tell them they do not own your life. You have choices. Your choice now is to back off because you realize that all these years you have been emotionally abused. That when you became an adult and moved out of their home, they were no longer a priority. The family you made is, your son and your friends. They became part of that family. They were/are capable of taking care of themselves. There are resources they can take advantage of. Just a thought, as long as Dad has you to blame, he leaves Mom alone. Its not your fault she chose to stay with him.
This was the straw that broke the camels back. Let brother do the work now. Then he will see what u have been going thru. You can help from the sidelines helping brother but be aware of boundries there to. By helping him you may be pulled back into helping them.
Keep telling yourself your son is your priority and so are you. Unless an emergency you do not give up your plans. Just say sorry, I have (or son has) something planned. As soon as anyone gets abusive you walk away or quietly hang up the phone. Quietly because it really erks them when they have kept talking and no one is there. Or just say, "I am hanging up now".
Its time for you to take over your life. Your parents are just a part of it. Seems if Dad can afford an AL he can afford people to do things for him and Mom. Maybe they both can move to an AL. You know the saying "once burned shame on you, twice burned shame on me" this means that you don't allow that second time to burned. Being burned is now a pattern that you have finally seen. Its now give them and brother the info and let them take it from there.
My new mantra "I am here to help people find a way, not be the way".
My brother is not too enthusiastic of picking up the rope I just dropped. But he was spared the worst abuse in our childhood, so his boundaries are better, plus he does not live as close. Though he does not quite get my problem I am very glad he exists.
"Just a thought, as long as Dad has you to blame, he leaves Mom alone. Its not your fault she chose to stay with him."
She is as much a narcissist as he is. Actually worse since she was more around during my childhood while he was absent a lot. I always used to think of my father as "the good parent" until due to aging his escape mechanisms (work, politics, travel) began to fail.
For decades they perfected this game of sending me back and forth with their sick marriage and finally reunite to blame their problems on me. When they got sick and old I fell in the empathy trap ("These poor old folks need me - how would they possibly harm me?"), but Boy - was I naive!!!