I walked out on my parents with no intention of continuing care after an extremely hurtful experience. How do I stay strong and escape the guilt?

Unkraut this is great news thanks for the update

Unkrout - Thanks for the update. It's always so nice to hear good news. So happy for you.

I have a lifetime of experiences and will be 89. I can assure you that in life you will be terribly traumatized and hurt deeply. When this happens to you and the harm is done, it can't be undone. Then YOU need to decide what comes next. Do you stay and possibly have more impact and harm done to you or is it time to walk away and find peace and not look back. I personally do not care who or why, some things break the straw and you would be a fool to stay. If that is the case, walk up and away and don't look back - unless YOU deserve that abuse and feel guilty over something you did NOT do. Leave. I wish I had learned this much earlier in life - I would have lived a less cruel, hard life - well I finally did and it was the best move ever.

What a good resolution, Unkraut. Thanks so much for the update!

Just a quick update for all of you who gave me such valuable advice:

After a week of radio silence two days ago my dad finally called and apologized. Considering his frail state and the possibility that he might not be alive when I return from my rehabilitation I had a long talk with him, not backing down on my newly found boundaries but still reconciling with him.

Told him I'll visit him and mother on sunday before my departure, but would not take up the old schedule anymore. He was happy, I was relieved, and I am able now to discover new terrain, with a lot of distance hopefully after I return.

I want to thank ALL of you for your kind and insightful support and want to reassure you that it is not lost. I won't return home before june, so "Time Is On My Side".
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=McOmcNwqprA

Did I mention that in my next life I'm going to be a female rock star?!? :))))))))))

Lots of love & thank you folks - You were of immense help to me!

CU back in summer,
Unkraut

Hi UnKraut (I like the reason for your name), there is an ongoing support thread on AgingCare for those in dysfunctional, can't-win family caregiving situations. If you'd like another place to vent and discuss the dysfunctional side of things, that's a thread I've found very helpful. https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/the-caregiver-dysfunctional-families-149068.htm?orderby=recent

Don’t beat yourself up. These decisions we are making for our loved ones are made out of love and caring and as I always try to tell myself they are “ loving choices” and are not meant to hurt but to HELP. You can only do so much. If your loved one refuses the help there’s nothing more you can do. Keep loving them… from a distance. Back away and save your sanity for your “ children and husband. You are important too. You did your best now pass the baton. 💜💜

I think your story is crystal clear and all too common in co-dependent relationships. You have finally set a limit, and now you need the help of a good therapist to keep it set. Stay strong, stay clear, stay polite and keep your emotions in check as much as you can. Rinse, repeat.

This is hard, hard personal work to do, but you owe it to yourself and your own nuclear family to do it.

Can you elaborate on the hurtful experience? Can’t really give advice if story so vague. Sorry for the hurtful experience…you have to make your choices, I suppose. Hugs 🤗

Guilt is a terrible thing! I have recently placed my mom in a memory care unit after she has to be hospitalized because I found her on the floor in her house shaking uncontrollably due to med withdrawal because she hadn't taken her meds all day and the evening before. Mom had done this previously too and I had talked to her over and over again about changing her living situation and she constantly refused to do it. She had lots of other unsafe issues going on too. She wanted to remain in her home. I was not strong enough in my head to force the change because of my guilt. I knew one day something would happen and someone (drs) would do that for me and that is exactly what has happened. My mom gets very confused and hallucinates at times. When I go to visit her (which I do often) she constantly wants to talk about when she can go home and that she can't believe I did this to her. She cries and tells me that I don't love her and now I should feel pretty good because I am free of her...it is very hard to hear these things all the time from her. I start to feel guilty and then second guess myself about placing her and then I am reaffirmed when she later that same day after having what seemed as a normal conversation with her, she will call me in the evening in a panic saying she is at a particular grocery store (that closed 30+ yrs ago) and someone took her car and I need to come and get her. I try to reason with her (which I know won't work) and she just yells at me and tells me I need to come and get her right now. That makes me realize that I made the right decision but it doesn't help my guilt. My mom has always been very self oriented and is used to having things always her way and that is due to my overly attentive father...He passed away 3 yrs ago but when he was alive he did everything for her (which was very sweet) but he was an enabler and always did things her way even if he would have preferred a different way. He was the sweetest man ever!! I love my mom but she is so difficult and likes to make you feel guilt. After dad died I picked her up every other day and took her to my house for dinner and for 3 yrs we did that but the last 2 to 3 months tat she was home I had to be with her just about every day due to her confusion and being unsafe. I have to stand my ground because there where so many unsafe situations when she lived alone and I can't let her go back to that. It's been 2 months now and she is adjusting a little but she still constantly wants to go home....it's sad but I do have the peace of mind knowing she is safe where she is...I hope things work out for you. It's very hard and I feel your pain.

The older I get I realise that a few meet their maker with grace, with peace & acceptance, some still fighting to hold on to life, hold on to control, maybe others in despair, fear or tormoil.

All methods are ok.

If Dad is fighting on til the end, well, it is his nature.

My Mother will be the same. Fighting to control her domain to the very end.
I can respect that. It is her fight.

I do not need to be on the front line.

Well done, honestly these parents and their gas lighting ways.

some peoples idea of adult children especially girls are unpaid carers and are expected to drop everything and put their lives on hold.

What is guilt? It's a feeling - some kind of emotional distress because you believe you did something wrong. Or a feeling of distress prompting you to act differently because you believe you must make amends or you are responsible for some bad outcome and must undo it.
I believe you may be confusing your legitimate distress and concern over your father's wellbeing with your feelings of blame that you must do what you can to make him feel better.
First of all, I, too, feel bad for your father--and I'm not even his daughter. 90 year old man, injured, unable to care for himself. Demented wife. I can feel really sorry for him. I can feel really sorry for your mother, too. Can you separate these legitimate feelings of sorrow for another person who is suffering (physically, mentally), from the necessity to do something (anything) to help them, from the feeling of blame if you don't sacrifice yourself, from the belief that you CAN help them.
From what I remember, your father ASKED you to help him find assisted living. You went through some trouble to find him a suitable facility. He needed more care than you could provide or he could provide. How the hell does this deserve blame? OK after he went into assisted living, he started to feel bad (neglected? uncomfortable?), and he wanted to come back. This reminds me of cats who whine to go outside, then whine to come back, and then when they are back, they whine to go outside again. It seems you all are so traumatized by his aggressive blame that you all are ready to do almost anything to placate him so he won't continue to aggressively blame you and make you feel bad. Who wouldn't feel bad? Who wouldn't want to believe that somehow he will be able to function with only a little bit of help? I'm so sorry. Can you think of his complaints as complaints against the world? Are you guilty that he is 90 years old? Are you guilty that he broke his cheek? Are you guilty that he is prone to anger? Are you God? Do you have the power to make him comfortable? Does he get happy and feel wonderful when you are around? Step back from the situation and consider what is best for him and what you can legitimately provide. Then go ahead and blame yourself a tiny tiny bit that you are unable to provide more. Because it sure would be nice if you could reduce his pain, and, therefore, make everyone feel better. Meanwhile, he's going to suffer and complain and blame everyone else for his misery. Maybe he did that his whole life. I think it sucks that your family sabotaged you and brought him back. If they did this without consulting you--then they own the situation. He's going to continue feeling miserable, and so is everyone else. Do you think he will eventually be returning to AL?

Like AlvaDeer says, guilt is for criminals. Grief is what you are currently feeling.

I said what Alva said to a friend who just lost her father.

UnKraut68: You must protect yourself from the toxicity. Good for you.

Stay strong. Your parents are not thinking clearly (perhaps more of your family too if your brother so easily plays into them)…most likely he just wants you to do everything, so he can stay free.

Dementia has this weird thing of making some loved ones being “damned if you do; damned if you don’t”. I’ve seen it a few times. They say they want AL, then arrange it all and it’s the worst thing ever. They say they aren’t happy at home, but try and move them, and it’s the most horrible thing ever. You can’t and won’t win.

If your mom is 80 and has already been diagnosed with dementia and your father is 90 and in poor health, there’s no way they can stay on their own…at least not for long. They will end up in AL or nursing home soon, no matter what you do or what they say.

You’ve made up your mind…and you felt relief. Don’t be untrue to yourself. Your parents are not long for this world. Sorry to be so harsh, but it’s the truth.
They are not thinking clearly, and that’s just not your fault, so you don’t have to be pulled back and forth in their never ending drama of what they think they want.

Take care of yourself and your own family. I’m sure your brother is not happy with your decision, but that’s his problem. Be cordial, be polite. But also be clear thinking and true to yourself. Steer clear for your own health.

One of my favorite sayings is, "No, is a complete sentence." Please consider blocking your parents' calls for a month or two so that they and you can sort out your relationships. Any time you do hear from them for help, please just offer the phone number for THEM to call.

well, that is a tough one - all my life I had to deal with helping, helping, helping, so when my mother past at 64, my dad was doing ok at that time! then in his 80's he needed help and i being the oldest daughter had the burden. My dad and I never got along, but now that he is gone at age 89, i am glad that i did help! it left me with a not guilty feeling bc i did the best i could, my brothers and younger sister tell me that! make peace bc i didn't talk to my dad for 6 mos and then i'm glad i did (it was during the time I was helping him) bc several mos later he passed away. it won't be forever and if you don't try to make peace somewhat you being a compassionate person will feel it.

Thank you all for your kind, brilliant and valuable answers.

Someone further above mentioned Patrick Teahan whose work I really cherish. Just found the right video for the situation and since so many of you can relate only too well I would like to share it with you:

"6 ways the toxic family shames you for changing"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qF8UPCQGv6A

Good night from Germany!

Block their number from your phone! NOW! They are mentally abusing you as well as emotionally abusing you. You did NOTHING- I repeat NOTHING wrong but be a good caregiver and daughter. Get a new hobby, spend time with your son. Stop feeling guilty because you have NOTHING-I repeat NOTHING to feel guilty for! You went above and beyond, not once but several times to help them and they basically flushed you down the toilet. If you go back, you've only got yourself to blame. Good luck and don't forget... either block their number or change yours! Go kick up your heels! You've served your time. Let them waller in their feel sorry for me mode. A person can only take so much abuse. Good luck to you and many hugs!

You need support! My parents also trained me to put their needs first. Your reactions are ENTIRELY normal for an abnormal situation. Anyone caring for demented and abusive parents (even if it is not their fault, they are behaving abusively towards you) will endure a high level of stress. Even caring for a loving person at end of life can be very very stressful. I loved my husband. He passed away, but before he died the Hospice care team asked me to have him placed in their hospital because they could see how much stress I was undergoing (loss of sleep only 4 hr./night, weight loss 20 lb., not eating because he needed me, dealing with verbal abuse at night because he couldn't go to sleep and blamed me, trying to keep him from overdosing on medications, trying to clean his CPAP machine and his oxygenator, testing his blood and giving him insulin for diabetes, worrying that his meds were making him cognitively impaired, etc.) I didn't do it because I thought he will die soon so it will be resolved. And I was right. But, like you, I felt very guilty for not doing enough. Guess what? A little guilt is perfectly OK. I feel for you. No one can do enough. Your father NEEDED to stay in assisted living. (In my opinion). This issue is similar to when older people should stop driving. I have a friend who is recently brain damaged (again) after his 4th concussion. He had 3 blood clots in his brain. After his 3rd concussion, IMO he became an unsafe driver. The concussion affected his vision so that it became impossible to control his vision with glasses because his eyesight kept fluctuating. He developed cataracts that make it very hard to see at night. When I drove with him, he would tailgate, make last minute lane changes, not see the road signs and have to swing back to make the proper turn. He uses his cell phone constantly and fiddles with the radio. Anyway, when I told him I didn't want to cover him on my car insurance, he got furious at me. Told me I was wrong. Wouldn't let me express my concerns. I'm selfish! He's a good driver. Does it help for me to tell you to look at this situation as a person raging against their condition? Doesn't it suck to give up driving and independence? Isn't it awful to be in assisted living? (My mother liked it, but not everybody likes it.) It seems they are incapable of thinking realistically about their condition. He CANNOT take care of his wife. (Hell, both you and your brother couldn't.) You had achieved a workable solution, it seems. And then your family was unable to tolerate his rage and distress and needed to bring him back as he demanded. If they are going to undo what you accomplish, then let them deal with their decision. Your brother brought him back--your brother can now be responsible. It's ok to feel some guilt that you can't fix everything. If your father unrealistically believes that he is fine and should live at home (conveniently ignoring how much trouble/stress this imposes on the rest of you), then will you feel less guilt if you accept all the blame for his condition? I'm sure you are not perfect. This happened to me after I persuaded my mother to enter treatment for alcoholism. Since I was 12 years old, my stepfather told me that only I could fix my mother. He would give me the keys to the liquor cabinet and tell me to prevent her from drinking. (I did not succeed). Finally when I was a young woman, I persuaded her to go for alcohol rehabilitation. The next day, my stepfather reversed our decision. "It will be too difficult for her," he explained. I decided never to try to persuade her again. It will only end up getting sabotaged. No matter what you do you can't fix your parents. You tried your best. Go ahead and feel some distress and even guilt. YES! It's awful that they have these disabilities. Do you feel guilty your mom has dementia? It's normal to feel a great deal of distress in this situation. I'm so sorry.

You need feel no guilt.
You have done more than enough. Now it isd time for the rest of the family to step in. Wash your hands and walk away

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG - YOUR FATHER WAS THE PROBLEM, NOT YOU. He does have dementia which gets worse at times and better at other times. And it appears your mother was not much help to you either. Based on the past and the treatment they gave you, YOU OWE THEM NOTHING - NOTHING. Thet were not kind and loving to you then or now - they should have put all of you on equal footing - not them first and you at the bottom. Be glad you found out once and for all WHAT THEY ARE. REMOVE YOURSELF TOTALLY FROM THEIR CARE OR YOU WILL BE ABUSED AGAIN AND YOU DO NOT DESERVE THAT. Be tough and walk away - let them handle the problems they caused. Start a new life and be happier.

Sounds like your dad has a little dementia going on, too. Let your brother deal with everything now. Stay busy to keep it all off your mind.

After having provided daily care for nearly four years for my mom, an alcoholic who stopped drinking only because her end stage COPD left her unable to obtain money and transportation to get liquor, I had had enough. After a month of near-weekly trips to the emergency room, she was finally admitted to the hospital after an exacerbation that required resuscitation. She was released to a rehabilitation hospital and we were informed she could no longer live independently.
The youngest of three children, my older siblings were perfectly happy to offload her care to me. My husband and I took a week off from our jobs, spending time visiting nursing homes that would accept her medicaid - wanting her to have the best environment she could for her last days. When we found a facility that seemed to tick all the right boxes, (end stage COPD and the brain damage from her drinking left her with a lot of strange issues like a heightened sense of smell causing anxiety attacks when she was exposed to perfumes, scented lotions, soaps..dryer sheets...hair shampoos) and all airborne particulates that entered her respiratory system...which triggered exacerbations -meant we tried to be very selective), we met mom at her rehab facility to inform her. A social worker would arrive the next day to conduct an intake interview. Mom was not happy, but seemed resigned to the move.
I received a call from the social worker late the following day. They were sorry, after interviewing her, they felt there was no way they could meet all of mom's special circumstances. My mother had intentionally sabatoged the move. She made outlandish claims that she could not be around any carpeting, she could not room with a black person... because "their bodies emitted a smell that took her breath away". She could not have black attendants because the hair products they used "smelled". They would have to remove her from her room (bedridden by this stage) whenever they cleaned because they stirred up dust and the chemicals from the cleaners would get into her lungs. She made her requirements so stringent- it was impossible for any facility to fulfill them.
Already an emotional wreck from 4 years of dealing with her alcoholic behaviors (manipulation...secrecy...lying), I'd reached my limit. I boxed up all her paperwork, including her Financials and my power of attorney. I drove straight to the rehab facility. I was shaking so much, I could barely hold the box. When I entered the doorway of her room, I raised the box over my head and launched it into the room. Papers flying everywhere, and me sobbing... I yelled that she had sabotaged all my efforts. I was through. She was on her own. And I turned around, drove home...and promptly made an appointment to see a psychotherapist.
It took nearly a year of therapy before I had days that I didn't cry. I did not see my mother again until the days before she died. God bless my daughter. At age 23, she stepped up, got her grandma into a nursing home and into hospice. She was grandma's support system for the next eight months. A week before my mother died, my daughter told me "mom, if you want to make peace with grandma, you better do it now. She is dying.")
I spent nearly 16 hours with my mom before she died. I had the chance to forgive her...and seek (and receive) her forgiveness.
I don't regret my actions. I know I did what was right for me. But, I am forever grateful to my daughter for giving her grandmother months' of care and love...and giving me time with my mom at the end.

So...in the end, you must do what is right for you and the decisions you can live with. I wish you well and hope you find peace.

I 'divorced' my MIL almost 2 years ago. After 44 years of dealing with her, taking abuse with zero support from DH who said I needed to be the 'bigger person' for years and years....it finally just hit me that I did NOT need to sit and take her vitriol.

I never did anything mean to her, I remembered every birthday, Mother's Day, Christmas, etc. Dh, of course, got all the credit for the wonderful gifts. She's thank him profusely and never told he that I had shopped and wrapped everything and most of all REMEMBERED these dates. Made him look great!

I don't think we ever had a get-together when she didn't somehow get a dig in at me. I was constantly on edge and it got so bad I would usually end up locked in the bathroom crying.

The end of the relationship was when we went to help her with some computer problem. I had just finished my last chemo for cancer and looked and felt awful. She would not allow me to sit down at the table, I had to stand on a small throw rug. She actually asked me "when is the cancer coming back, did they tell you?"
She truly wished I had died.

AT some point just past that moment, I asked her for a Diet Coke. She said, no, I couldn't have one. Something broke inside of me. I got up, slapped her on the back and said "Good Luck with your life, I am leaving and I won't be seeing you ever again." I took that darn Diet Coke and slammed out the door. Dh is like 75% deaf and refuses to wear hearing aids, so he missed the whole thing. I walked up to my sister's house, alternately crying and laughing.

I have not spoken to my MIL since and I have easily been able to avoid her since.

I should have done this 40 years ago.

Stop answering your phone. Screen your calls. Take the calls only once a week (or whatever you are able to handle). Stand your ground. Truly move on by involving yourself with your family of choice, your friends, your own individual life. Allow yourself happiness. After all, there is no point in having taking the actions you have taken if you are going to carry guilt --- you did what you did because you had to preserve yourself, so, preserve yourself. That means living your life. But, remember, stop answering the phone. That's what I did. The world hasn't ended, nothing bad has happened to my mom, or anyone else. I take calls only when I want. I return them only when I want. Do what YOU want. It is your moral duty to do for YOU. You deserve happiness. You deserve to breathe. No more guilt. You are done with that now.

Change your phone number and take a breather .

I experienced many moments like this with my dad also. Both my parents have late stage dementia and I have been on the edge of a nervous breakdown multiple times in the past two years.

My husband made me speak with a therapist when he was concerned about me, and I can tell you what this man said to me about my situation (and yours?). My dad struggled with being a kind person, prior to dementia. He could be a very difficult and hurtful person to me, my mom, and others. What this counselor said is that someone like my dad will choose the “most codependent” sibling and make their role as caretaker the hardest. Blame them, hurt them, guilt trip them.
For me, this was a life changing statement. It explained to me so many years of this treatment. It explained why my older brother was not treated in the same way, even though he is not around to help my parents and historically has been more self-oriented with respect to our family. It explained how I was not able to make my dad happy with me or the level of care I was providing, no matter how much time and effort I put in. The therapist said I would not ever be able to do enough for someone like my dad, and that I had to make sure to be mindful to take care of myself and my children and husband first. I realized how I am a “codependent” person in that I do work hard to help others, feel guilty when I don’t, work in a field of helping others, etc.. Maybe the dynamic is the same for you.

That said, when my dad reached later stages of dementia he became softer with me. His face lights up when he sees me now, no more scowl or criticism. Even though I know it’s the illness that makes him this way now, I have been cherishing it. I feel like he loves me and am spending time absorbing his love while I still can. The hurt little girl in me needs my father still, needs his love.

I will pray you will find peace with your decision. I was told by two professionals to draw boundaries with my parents as they dealt with their disease, lest it take me down also. Take care.

It won’t stop. Ignore the calls and let someone else do it (your brother) or just let the parents make their own decisions. Maybe move.