I try to get things organized for my father with dementia, then he goes and undoes all of my work. Anyone else with this problem?

If your father is even able to log onto a computer, I seriously doubt he'd be considered incompetent. My mother with moderate dementia can't even work her TV remote control or the telephone half of the time...........never mind a computer!

Your father is going to do things his way, period. Some people with dementia will rummage through their bedroom drawers, pulling everything out and tossing the items all around the room. You'd go in there, put it all away, fold it nicely, he'd come in and do it AGAIN. It's all part of the mind that no longer works properly.

You'll have to either take over FOR him with his paperwork ie: Medicare/ finances/bills, etc., or he will continue to wreak havoc by making changes he's not even aware he's making. What sort of 'better' insurance plan was he talked into, I wonder? Do you know? And how much extra are the monthly premiums? THIS is where dementia decisions can get a person into deep trouble. What about when the con artists call to get a 'donation' from him? Then what? This is why managed care becomes necessary for so many elders with dementia; because they can no longer make ANY rational decisions b/c they don't understand consequences anymore.

As far as the computer goes; I have a Lenovo Idea Center desktop; it stores all my passwords for me so I don't have to remember them. That may be a helpful thing for your dad, IDK. But the computer itself can become an issue if he can make purchases on it with his credit card/debit card from sites that are not secure, etc.

There's just so much trouble the demented elders can *and do* get themselves into without 24/7 monitoring, it's unbelievable. As time goes on, you'll have to think about taking over more and more of your dad's life FOR him, as he won't be able to manage too much on his own. You'll be there to clean up the messes he makes in the meantime.

Such a difficult situation, I know. I'm sorry you're in this position and my heart goes out to you. Wishing you the best of luck trying to manage dad and all that goes with his diminishing abilities. You may have to consider a Memory Care Assisted Living eventually, if/when the need arises. My mother lives in one and is very well cared for there.

You need to get Power of Attorney. Then you have to call all the places your Father has contacts with (doctor, insurance, banks, Visa, mortgage, gas/electric/phone) and send them the Power of Attorney. Then you can tell all these places NOT to deal with your Father but only listen to you. You should also take away the computer and phone so no scammers/telemarketers have access to your Father. Lock away all important papers in a file cabinet and only you have the key. Very harsh, but this worked for me. Solved all the problems of not having bills paid and excessive spending "for charities" that would call or email. Make sure you are the only one in control. Good Luck !!

Hi Martz. There is really nothing you can do to change this behavior. It’s dementia and the forgetfulness will get worse. I can understand your frustration though and would suggest you just try to go with the flow and savor the lucid days your Dad has as they will become fewer and farther between as this ugly disease progresses. Good luck.

What you are considering a “good day” from your point of view, is still a dementia broken brain that he’s thinking from.

If formally assessed by a geriatrics trained examiner, he could in fact be identified as incompetent, or perhaps not, but his ability to appear socially appropriate in verbal interactions isn’t necessarily directly related to being able to organize, recall, utilize previously familiar facts.

My grandmother and aunt both suffered from vascular dementia, and fought desperately, we ultimately learned, to maintain the appearance of “normalcy” while battling their increasing struggles with the loss of the language/higher order skills needed to deal with daily life.

For your peace of mind, see if his doctor will recommend an evaluation of his current cognitive status. Once you know, it will help you to be able to provide him with more support while being less frustrating for yourself.

I’m learning to live with Mom’s inability to make wise decisions. I understand your frustration! Please, please, please take time for self care. It’s very hard to come to terms with a loved one’s deteriorating brain. Things Mom once understood don’t make sense to her now. She lives alone, is hell bent against accepting help or discussing anything with us (because everything in her mind is ‘fine’). I’m unsure if she would be labeled incompetent but won’t go to a neurologist, with or without me.

There’s not much we can do, except care for ourselves to relieve the stress our minds are under. Praying for all caregivers.

Please talk to a good elder attorney. A Power of Attorney is just a way to carry out instructions on behalf of someone else. The POA can be overruled by the individual at any time. It’s a bit of subterfuge but that’s why we take away the computers, credit and debit cards and checkbooks away from our dear ones so they can’t find them to use. The only way for you to completely conquer your father’s whims and decisions is with a full guardianship. In the meantime, file a change of address and have all his mail come to your address and go to Social Security to become his representative payee because they don’t recognize a POA. That elder attorney can help you find just the right path.

All I can add is I understand. We moved our parents into a wonderful well respected place. We researched and visited every one within our area. Taking tours and researching each one. We knew that one important factor was levels of care. Starting with independent and the ability to stay in the same place but move up care levels as needed. After COVID lockdowns my Dad became frustrated with us not being there everyday so he contacted an independent living facility and got himself and my mom and apartment there. The move and settle in was a nightmare in the middle of COVID. The former facility told us your parents don’t want any outside help they just want you and your sister to provide for them. They were right even now they turn away the cleaning option weekly and rely on us to clean, get groceries, give meds, pay bills etc.... and mostly hunt every single day for tv remotes, eye glasses, hearing aids, etc that never get put back in one place

While the situation that you have is not unusual for people with dementia. Their brains are only working 50% or less most of the time. I went through the same thing with my dad, he was set in his ways as it was always the world of his way or the highway. You can't change that in someone that has always been independent, many people that have dementia don't even realize there is a problem, and some family members will make excuses for the behavior patterns or tell a sibling they are exaggerating to avoid having to make decisions. But, one thing I can say, you MUST take care of yourself. The stress of caring for a loved one is overwhelming not only physically but mentally.
I do not know if either of these options will work to help with some of the password issues, but it may be something worth looking into. https://www.howtogeek.com/111239/the-best-ways-to-lock-down-your-multi-user-computer/
https://www.top-password.com/blog/prevent-windows-10-users-from-changing-password/#:~:text=Click%20on%20the%20Users%20folder,labeled%20User%20cannot%20change%20password.

I wish you the best and hope that the links I provided can help solve part of your problem with password stuff.

Unfortunately there is going to be a lot of this for you. The suggestion is to try as best you can to keep him from things he can mess up and have him watched more closely. We had a flood in 2013. Our basement flooded. I pulled up the carpet and called someone to take care of it. My mom called a plumber in another city an hour or so away. It wasn't a plumbing problem. Then, because the guy I called didn't come that very day, she called another plumber. I was at work. He explained to her it wasn't a plumbing problem. She called the city and had them turn off the water. They did?????? She went to the sink to get a glass of water. No water. She called the police. They called me. She was never left alone again. She'd ask me to put some things she never used on the porch as donations, but when I did, she'd bring them all back in. I'd watch her do it. Nothing I could do about it without upsetting her. Making her house mom proof was exasperating. If I locked the air conditioner monitor in the house, she'd go outside to the control box and shut the entire workings down. She'd unplug the internet while I was grading student work online. She'd unplug the refrigerator on a regular basis. Unplugging was her favorite activity. She was trying to save on the electric bill. Second favorite was calling the police by mistake when trying to call time and temperature, the old way to find out what time it was. Never just looking at the clock. Yet, I still wonder sometimes if I should bring her back home from assisted living. Thanks for the reminder to not do that.

Yes been there. Instead of fighting about it I just let my mom do as she wants.
As long as she keeps everything in her bedroom i don't care what order it is in.
I found out that by doing that she redoes her room a least once a week and she
thinks she has control over her stuff. Let it be and give them something to do.