I think Dad doesn't know how to make friends. Any thoughts?

Definitely talk to the AL folks. Making friends is always difficult when you move to a new place.

I assume the AL has activities and a director for those activities, so they need to be told to encourage Dad to show up to some of them just to see what's going on. Then he might participate a bit, then he might talk to someone, then suddenly he has a friend. It's a step-by-step process, but yes, the AL people should be the conduit to bring him together with others.

When my mom went to her nursing home (and even on hospital stays, I always sent along a one-page biography with her. That enabled her caregivers to know what Mom was interested in, what kind of person she'd been before she was incapacitated, and even to let them know what her sense of humor was like. I asked that the staff who interacted with her read it, and everyone told me it was extremely helpful to get to know her faster. Consider doing that for Dad and giving it to the activities director and the other staff.

Your profile says Dad suffers from a Dementia. Its not going to be easy for him to make friends. Seems he was an introvert so that is not going to change. "he is very socially dependent on me and my family and it's draining." Are you visiting every day? Because if you are, maybe you shouldn't. You need to give him time to adjust and rely on staff. I would ask if the staff could see that, maybe after a meal, he be taken to the Commom area where he can socialize. There is usually a talker in the crowd that may approach him. If you visit, don't visit in his room. Visit in the garden or Common area. Maybe use one day a week to go out for a meal together. So he has something to look forward to. Ask the activities director if she/he can urge him to join in. This is really part of her job.

Those who suffer with Dementia like familiarity. They like their space small. Sometimes too much going on around them is too much. They get over stimulated. Maybe Dad has always been comfortable with himself. He loved Mom because she was his opposite and he went along with her. He may be a person who does not need friends. A person with Dementia will cling to the people they know. Maybe you should go to some of the activities/entertainment the AL provides. Take Dad so he sees what is going on. My Mom loved when the guy came in and played music from the 40s and 50s. She liked watching other people. She could not play Bingo or do puzzles. She never did either before her Dementia and there was no way she was going to learn after.

I am not as gregarious as your Mom but I am the more social of the two of us. My husband has a hearing problem so is not comfortable around too many people. So if we socialize, its usually with my friends.

You may need to realize that Dad may never "make friends" as you think of friends. I know at 72 I really don't care if I make a new friend. If it happens OK but I am not looking. Even if I was widowed I don't think I would look. Don't expect too much from Dad. Be happy in knowing he is safe and cared for. If he is calling alot, let the calls go to VM. Then pick and chose when u call him back.

Introverted people don't need (or want) the same amount of social interaction as extroverts, they can be perfectly content to sit on the edge of a group. You say he relies on you for his social life - in what way? Is he calling and begging for attention or are you seeing him as being isolated and therefore feel responsible for including him and arranging his days?

My father was exactly the same way; my mother was large & in charge, so he felt the need to shrink back and blend in with the wallpaper. He passed away first and my mother is still alive at nearly 95, still schmoozing up a storm with everyone in her Memory Care ALF to this day.

Call the social director of your dad's AL and ask him or her to knock on your dad's door to encourage him to socialize; to let him know about the happenings going on and to join in with the others. There are normally men's groups in AL; card games and such that he may want to involve himself with. I know my father finally was coaxed out of hiding in his room to join in some men's programs at his AL and he wound up having a good time. My uncle George is 101 and its the same thing with him; once he hooked up with 'the men' he was fine; until then, he felt overpowered by the women pecking at him for attention in the ALF and stayed to himself....LOL.

Wishing you the best of luck with the whole situation.

I’d suggest that you do 2 things:
- go over for lunch ahead of time and with the ok of dietary to set up an additional place at his lunch table for you. This to see what’s it’s like when he walks into mealtimes. He could be exaggerating.
- talk with the Activities Director to find out what is set up that is more for “the old roosters”. College football game day, guys movie or board / cards nite. If he won’t go on his own, that when you go to visit and you lead him over to the event and leave him there.

If he was a fan of a team or two (college or pro) from his old state / city, buy him a sweatshirt or long sleeve top from that team. It will give a starting point for a conversation.

There probably is / are a couple of the ladies at the AL who are actively vying for his attention. He’s not being ignored or shunned socially if he is at all presentable…..

As a few have said, for introverts we ( yes I am one) do not need friends to be happy. I am 78 and do not have any friends now, even my husband stays in our other home in another state most of the year. Plus, due to Covid I stayed in and tried to not get sick. Have so far not gotten the virus. I am in constant pain and just do not feel like being around people. Even when my children are here the pain I live with keeps me from enjoying my granddaughter. Let him alone, not everyone is a social butterfly.

My 92 year old dad has the same problem. My mom passed over a year ago and she was the one coordinating their activities with friends. My dad has dementia and lives in an assisted living facility. He has had a hard time making friends, especially with COVID restrictions in the beginning making it so they all had to eat in their rooms. Now that these restrictions are easing I feel it is time to make more effort to make new friends. I spoke with the activities director about this and asked her help in helping my dad make friends. I would definitely advise you discuss with them and ask them to help him make friends. Especially when new men move into the facility. Slowly my dad has made a couple of friends. But the activities director said that dementia residents have a harder time making friends because it is hard for them to remember people and having had conversations.
Best of luck.

Are there any activities or interest groups at the AL that your father would participate in? Is he able to do things outside the AL? Does he have any hobbies or interests or skills he could put to use?

Sometimes there are community or church-affiliated groups where men might repair or clean up donated items for distribution, Men often do better if there is a project or an activity they can work on in the company of other people rather than just being expected to gather to chat and socialize.

I was a Power of Attorney to someone for many years. He was an intelligent man but no matter what anyone said or did, he made no attempt to make friends and socialize - with the exception of maybe two or three. He just did not know how or was no interested, who knows. Every human has a certain personality and what they call their basic needs and everyone can try until the cows come home to try to make them do something different - IT JUST WON'T WORK. They may want to do something but for what ever hidden reasons, they can't or won't. Don't try to push him - you will upset him and nothing will change. Perhaps he is just a natural loner. It takes work to maintain friendships and not all have the whatever to do that.

Does he want to make friends? Some people are perfectly happy with their own company and their own interests. Does he like music - he will probably listen all day. Does he like sport - he will probably watch all day. Does he like quizzes or puzzles - he will probably watch those all day. It can be hard to believe but some people do not need others and providing they can do what they enjoy they will be happy on their own all the time. In fact being forced to be with others may be very upsetting to them. You say your mother was the social butterfly - perhaps your father developed ways to cope with this whilst not wanting people around, but finding ways for your mother's sake and need. The fact you think he would be happier making friends does not mean he would be, but I can see a conversation on this not being had is a difficult one to deal with. Somehow you just need to ask or get facility to ask if he would like to make friends or mix with others, and if so work with the facility to get him involved, but don't assume he needs or wants others. I do feel for your difficulty in not being able to get a one off conversation about it, but peace may be what he has longed for and now has. See if he would like a radio (gosh that sounds old but is probably the easiest for him) or a television, or something to read - and his favourite author. Take him some puzzle books (mixed ones are good for a start and soon show which he likes and which he doesn't), maybe provide a tray with an edge for doing jigsaws, or model making. Good luck with being able to get the conversation that enables you to help him enjoy whatever is his choice. xx