I still feel so ill equipped to handle my mother’s attitude. She has not been officially diagnosed by neurologist as of yet.

You know something? I think we're all ill equipped to handle our demented mother's bad attitudes, to be truthful! I know I am. I promise myself every time I talk to her or see her that I WILL NOT get annoyed or say anything negative. I even smile when I pick up the phone so she will be able to 'hear' the smile in my voice. Within 2 minutes the smile turns into a frown and she's gotten under my skin. When anyone goes to visit, they haven't stayed long enough. When the physical therapist comes to help her (at HER request) it's the 'wrong time'. She can come in the morning, at noon, in the afternoon, in the late afternoon, the early evening or the evening...............no matter, it's always THE WRONG TIME and she 'can't' do PT at that time. She hates all the people in the Memory Care home she lives in. Everyone has issues but her. And on and on and ON.

I tell her as LITTLE as humanly possible because the more you tell these types of people the more fodder they have for the mill. My daughter is an RN and going back East for 13 weeks.............we are not even telling my mother! She will call her grandmother weekly, as usual, so my mother won't even know anything has changed. My DD will visit gma before she leaves and as soon as she gets home, and make up excuses in the meantime, if asked, as to why she's not visiting. Otherwise, I will hear nothing but 'worrying' and 'dread' and 'what if' scenarios for 13 weeks while DD is gone. Nope, not gonna have it.

Set boundaries with your mother now. Before things get worse, which they will with dementia, it's the nature of the disease. They get SO self centered, the entire world revolves around them even MORE than usual. So figure out when you are going to call/visit, etc., and when you will get off the phone or cut the visit short. My mother knows that if she gets too verbally abusive, it's time for me to either cut the call short or leave her room in the MC. Some things can be negotiable while other things should not be. Taking verbal abuse for long periods of time should not be something you're willing to negotiate.

Remember, you can't make an unhappy person happy. You can, however, keep YOUR sanity throughout your mother's disease. She's only 73 and you may have a LOT more years of nonsense ahead of you. Establish boundaries NOW and you'll be a lot better off. Also, does the IL place your mom live in have a continuum of care option available? Can she move to AL or MC if the need arises? That's always a good option to have on the back burner. Plan B when Plan A falls apart.

Wishing you the very best of luck, my friend.

You will get a lot of good advice here - have you talked to Doc about what to expect in terms of mental function? Educated yourself about dementia? Has your mom always been like this or did it just start?  Firstly, you are not guilty and should not feel that you are - mom is being unreasonable, childish, etc. - maybe longterm mental illness plus the dementia. You cannot fix that - so you have to decide what needs to be done for her, and for you,  and just ignore the rest. This forum will have posters with many ideas for you, experiences of their own. But I would say: don't expect reasonable behavior from mom and remember you cannot argue with dementia. Broken brain here. Do you remember Sgt. Carter and Gomer Pyle?  "I can't hear you??"  Learn about going "Grey Rock" - it really works IMO.

Rovana's comment bears repeating and remembering: "don't expect reasonable behavior from mom and remember you cannot argue with dementia. Broken brain here."

This may very well be one of the hardest things you will ever deal with in your life. I feel so bad for people who are just beginning this journey with a LO and I'm so sorry you are facing it. I have been there and I am not exaggerating when I tell you it is horrible. When vascular dementia started out of nowhere with my mother, it was like being hit by a freight train. It knocked us down and chewed us up!! It wasn't any fun for her either, I will add. She knew something was wrong but there was nothing we could do to make her understand what was wrong. We couldn't even make it good for her. Nothing we did helped her or made life pleasant for her. Reading all you can to understand this will help but it isn't going to make it easier. Even though I would have patience with my mother because I realized she had no control over what she did, I would still lose it occasionally and have a crying breakdown.

If I could give you any advice it would be to go ahead and look into memory care facilities for your mom. Even if you can keep her at home in the beginning, there will come a time when you probably can't handle it anymore. We tried keeping my mother at home and taking care of her but it was killing us and it was also more expensive than placing her somewhere. We had help because we couldn't do 24/7 but that comes with its own set of problems.

Did I mention this is horrible? It is exhausting, heartbreaking and terrible for everyone, including the person with dementia. Try to find compassion for her, even when you think she is doing everything she can against you. She isn't. She just can't help it.

You don’t need this stress. I can hear the stress in your writing. It’s horribly frustrating to be in your situation. Please give yourself permission to let go. Your mom is not going to change. It’s not like you can reason with her to improve her situation. You have already tried that route.

She needs assistance from others. I can empathize with her on that. I am not heartless. Help can be provided by a non family member. Remove yourself from this burden and I guarantee that you will feel as if a heavy weight has been lifted off of your shoulders. Look into future care for your mom and gracefully step away. Start living for you again. You deserve it.

Best wishes to you. Hugs!

You ARE NOT alone. Please make a list of those you love & trust who you can and will talk to about your mother: Her Dr suggest a Neurologist, your family children, brothers and sisters, pastor, church friends, friends, local friends, dementia and Alzheimers groups.....
Also you need counseling to help you understand where your mother is coming from. This is NOT about you! It is about fining people who understand how this illness progresses and changes how a person acts and thinks. She is afraid , she does not understand what is happening to her and why. She is not attacking you!!!
Find home nurses, home helpers, psychologists, church groups that specialist in Hospice care..
YOU MUST NOT TRY TO TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING NO ONE CAN IN THESE SITUATIONS..and pray! You are not alone you can email me IF I can help Best to You! Dr Jack Grenan

If it's your thing to study, there is a free online course called Understanding Dementia (by University of Tasmania). Next intake Feb. https://www.utas.edu.au/wicking/understanding-dementia

I've done this & really got a lot from it - especially the videos links with personal stories. I think there was a forum too.

A work friend also did the course who was struggling with her self-centered Mother (pre Alz diagnosis). She was being run ragged as Mother lived in a rural area, was no longer driving & needing more & more help (but refusing all non-daughter help). It literally took a village to convince her to move to AL, neighbours, relatives & her trusted Doctor. By the time she moved, she was malnourished, skipping meds, confused & getting paranoid. Her daughter supported her Mother wishes to stay in her home as long as possible but her own health suffered badly through stress, anxiety, sleep problems & more.

She said if doing all this again, she would not enable anyone to live beyond their own capabilities. If they cannot manage - get professionals (Doctor, Social Worker) in to advise them. She has been a terrific support to me helping me to avoid that slippery slope she was on.

All I can suggest is have a good think about where your stopping point is. 1 X shopping a week? Daily phone calls? 7 days morning & evening visits? How much will you be willing to support Mum before you become a broken record saying "It's time to move to assisted living".

You don’t say if POA documents are in place. If you can get her to cooperate, it is best to get those documents in place and signed by her before diagnosis of dementia is obtained. While people with early dementia can still be determined to be competent, that is questionable at times. Once they are not competent, you will have to get guardianship because she will not be able to sign. Since she is so dependent on you, you might get her to sign by coercion. If she does not sign, you can’t help her. Mean, I know but might be only way to get her to sign. if you think she can present to a lawyer in her right mind, a standard POA form can be done. You need one for healthcare and one for financial. If money is a problem, make sure you keep good records of her money spent in case she needs to qualify for Medicaid. If possible, maybe you can have her go to a facility for respite care while you recover.

Wow-I'm amazed that we all have the same Mom! You've gotten some great advice here and all I can add is-take care of yourself! I've been dealing with my mom's issues for almost 15 years now-not knowing for the longest time what was happening and having the medical team unwilling to take a stance on her issues. I suggest some good counseling for yourself and setting up boundaries. I have done both but I would be lying if I said she still doesn't get to me. She's been complaining for months about wanting to move from her Memory Care unit and how she is going to ask my brother who visits twice a year to move her. I even warned him that she would be asking. Guess what? She didn't even mention it but has spoken of nothing else but asking him to move her since he was here. I know it's the dementia and her ability to push buttons still but it's so frustrating. I change the subject but she just comes back to that. Thank goodness for this forum and knowing what a "family" we have out here dealing with the same issues. Good luck and blessings to you in what is a very difficult and possibly long journey.

Take a look at Teepa Snow videos. She explains so much. And helps with ideas to handle the behaviors. Do you know about therapeutic fibbing? Just one more thought, when your mom says she can’t “place” someone, she really can’t at that moment, can another and then can’t again. It is so frustrating for us when that happens!

My heart goes out to you. I am dealing with the same thing with my mom who has been living with my husband (who has early Alzheimer's) and me for 5 LONG months now. Nothing I do is right. Just about everything out of her mouth is criticism. However, she's a doll with her caregiver who comes once a week. They love each other, of which I am thankful. I was thinking back to my childhood and realized she treated me the same way when I was growing up, and I survived and have had a wonderful life 525 miles away. Now she's here and acts like she doesn't want my help, so I try not to give it unless she specifically asks. So I pray and thank God that I wake up every morning. This is my motto - "I'm still standing, and I'm still strong, and nothing will knock me down." Hope this helps. Will be praying for you.

Hi I understand what your going through with your mum ,as I have same with my dad who was diagnosed with vascular dementia over 3yrs ago. I live with him and also lost my job due to taking time as I was exhausted, I have decided to put career on hold as I find I was struggling to do both as I feel caring for a loved one is a full time job although we don’t get enough help financially. In the past yr I have been trying to get him into Integrated day care which he will attend first day on 20/01/20. Have you considered befriended for your mum. Get in touch with her G.P. As they will support. The illness itself can be hard to cope with for all the family, as you don’t no what their daily living is like I find that hard to cope with as you don’t no how long as some people have it for years. Also not knowing what to expect when you visit as they can become angry, aggressive as they don’t fully understand themselves. The caring side can be rewarding as well. Sometimes I feel the carers are the ones that get forgotten about. Hope you get things sorted and the support for your mum and yourself.

I have said it over and over and over again. When the elderly behave in obnoxious ways regardless of who they are or why they do it and the impact is affecting the rest of the family, and you have done all in you power to stop the nonsense, then there is no other option but to remove them and place them into facility. What would make you agree to be the target of their bad behavior to the point that you are miserable, can't lead a normal life, and it will get worse? Make the decision to act before YOU are destroyed mentally or physically or both.

You must take care of YOU as you're having the needed surgery.

Most people are ill-equipped to handle the demands of physical, mental, and financial complications. I highly recommend that you start with getting an accurate diagnosis then do a lot of research on the internet using reputable resources such as the Cleveland Clinic , the Mayo Clinic, Web MD and WWW.USA.gov/health. Learn about dementia and the inability to originate. Understanding this concept will make your life easier.
Tend to legal issues early on. Get a durable POA of Healthcare and a financial POA. I recommend Pay On Death benefits of checking and saving accounts. This document does not go to probate and will help with paying off medical and funeral costs.
Remember to take care of yourself. You will need your own physical and mental health days. She may not like it, but if you have an established care giver, she will survive. Her attendance at an adult daycare 1 to 5 days per week may result in friendships, easing your burden as the center of her attention.
Don't make my mistake: I was my mother's care partner 24/7 for seven years with only two days off. It wore me out, deteriorated my own health and created friction with siblings not interested in care giving and destroyed personal relationships. On the other hand, I got to know my mother as a unique person other than "MOM" and I acquired an immense understanding of family dynamics.
In the end, the journey was exhausting and yet I felt honored to have cared for my mother. Somewhere along the way, I realized that she really had always loved me. That knowledge made the entire experience well worth my time and effort.
Good Luck and God Bless.























tend to lega
Remember to take care of yourself. you will need time for me to rest physical relaxation annu and health issues here

Hi writer this relationship needs boundaries respect and communication between all involved family members and self love mom is a big girl she will be okay just do your duty as a child if she dont want to make friends fine shes still safe at home if you washed dishes went grocery shoping did the laundry obeyed all reasonable requests and she not appreciative o well its done and shes safe is she fussy SO... lol look at it as her cardio for the day i speak from experience i take care of a verbally abusive mom and in the beginning was alot like your mom but when my siblings and i pulled it together came up with boundaries routines realistic expectations of the overall outcome (i care for my mom and dad full time with 30-50 hours week of outside help) and effective communication our relationship is better than ever. "Self Preservation is not being Selfish" Good Luck.

Make sure to get poa or guardian ship, and will in place and health care in place. Before they dignosis her. Very important. I learned that. Also I sent my mom to phsyo Dr. and they dignosis her with bi polor and now she is acting like a good girl. No problems. She was bad to me before they got meds right. I am her daughter and fulltime caregiver.

I purchased a good nursing home policy 20 years ago so I would not have to listen to grips that I have read from adult children on this site.

That’s nothing...wait till she starts hitting, scratching & biting you...that’s what I just had to deal with an hour ago. She wouldn’t let me help her get into her nitegown & into bed...so I figured I’ll take it off in bed, but then she wouldn’t hold onto handles of lift machine...it took a long time & I had to get her into bed using second sling around her tush...she told me she’s going to send me back to the “orphanage!” Ha! & told me I’m fired ...(I don’t get paid for this) She turns sooooo
Evil 🦹‍♀️ at times.

I finally got her pants off to clean her & changed diaper...a miracle. I need a Valium. & It was a relatively pleasant day since my brother & nephews & the dog 🐶 came to visit..& she had to make it miserable for me ...all I know is if I cannot get her back into bed, then I’m not going to take her out of bed anymore.

I wish I had an easy answer for you. We went through this same thing with my mother; being angry and non-appreciative when you're literally changing your life to meet her needs and blaming you for ruining her life.

Nothing I can say will make your situation better. Just know that you're not alone, as this seems to be pretty much a universal problem. I think it's all part of the aging process. I watched my mother change from a loving, giving person to someone different. She didn't stop loving us, but made our life a living hell the last couple of years of her life. Here's what I learned. Be the best caregiver a child can be for an elderly parent. Love them, care for them, and often times that means being the brunt of their anger at losing their health and the life they once knew. One day, when she's gone, you'll be glad you did.

She sounds lonely, but maybe she's also a bit of a loner? .. yet relies on you as her go to.  Tell her what you want to share with her, and ask her lots of questions ..so you can learn more about what she's interested in, likes, misses.  We're always learning.  She may love crossword puzzles, comics, movies, art, animals .. you know a lot about her, but can find out more as you let her talk .. and do that .. let her talk .. get her to talk.

Maybe you can make 1 day a week (give her a choice of days .. like 'Mother, Tuesdays or Thursdays?'), the same day (or every other week.. whatever works best), and you always make it happen.  Tell her that's your day with her to do whatever she most loves, misses.. shop, eat lunch out, scenic drive.. whatever.  It gives her something to look forward to do with just you regularly.  It may help ease her anxiety, loneliness, anger and give her hope for those special times.  You may find it to be a day you, too, look forward to.

Getting it calm in there is important to your successful recovery.  If you can't do the special day yet, you can still tell her your plans and ask if she'd like to do that once you're well .. and for her to be thinking about and making a list of the many things she'd love to do and things she misses, that you will make happen.

Take care.

I think you are doing the best you can. Is there a reason why the physician has not prescribed any medications as of yet? Have you thought about attending an Alzheimer's support group to help you to cope with her condition? What you're probably seeing is displaced anger as well as projection of her issues on to you. She may figure you're a safe harbor for her feelings. Is all of her behavior New? Or do you feel her condition has caused behavior changes? If the neurologist seems reluctant to handle her issues have you thought about taking her to a geriatric psychiatrist? They can perform a cognitive evaluation as well as prescribe medications. I wouldn't hesitate to take a break from her when her behavior becomes too much to handle. I would suggest using "I" statements when speak8ng with her (e.g. I'm doing the best I can to help you instead of You are so demanding.) Using I instead of you takes the accusation out of the conversation. Good luck.

I am struggling terribly with my mother so I completely empathize. She was placed in a nursing home after almost setting her home on fire and killing herself with alcohol and now all it is every day is complaints and how she is going to call the cops on all of us. I am trying very hard to hold her at arms length and remember this is not all her fault but it never seems to end and I am exhausted.

I found out she’s still mad at me. It’s because I was not there. My husband, daughter, 2 grown sons , and healthcare workers were there helping her. She found that wasn’t good enough. Trying to work out a strategic plan when these things come up again.

Why, why, why are you putting up with this deplorable behavior? I don't care if she is your mother. Her actions are having a horrible negative impact on you and you don't deserve it and must put a stop to it. If you have tried every possible solution and nothing works, do not feel guilty. Put her in a facility where she will be cared for and you have peace. Do not put up with this. Do not be a fool for this woman.