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I am 2 hrs away from her. I am pretty much the only one who phones her (Borderline & NPD & Early Onset) I visit twice a month. I have a Cousin in Chicago who phones her every 2-3 mos. $ is no prob... but we would burn thru it if she went into an Independent Living or AL sitch. She is not at that place... Butttt, she is not in shape... doesn't walk... does not have hobbies... does not clean... is not friendly to neighbors. What does she do all day, you ask? Watches TV & reads & smokes cigars & drumroll... COMPLAINS!!!! "I have no friends... no one comes over... no one calls." 19 yrs at the same residence. Her only neighbor friend just moved. I am sad for her but the reality with her mental issues. Mean spirited... socially awkward... Her Doctor tells me I am doing the right thing in watching & waiting for what comes next... She told me my Mom would be kicked out of AL in 2 minutes... Some of you told me not to phone her every day... I tell her let's clean out a kitchen drawer or her closet... I try to encourage her to water her plants... (I water them when I am there-most are cacti) She won't water... says they can die... *We need to plan for our futures... be social now if you expect to have a social life when you are older. Deal with any emotional-mental issues if you want family to be in your life. She burned too many bridges. Never stepped up as a Stepmom of my Stepdad's 3 phenom grown kids... One had POA, which is right move... But they do not have a relationship with her. She was not good to their Dad or them... Decade of alcoholism & mania came & went heavily thru a couple decades. My sis in AZ calls once a month... maybe. I don't blame any of them... I tell her to have a friend, you need to be a friend. If you sit inside all day, you can't expect neighbors to know you are wanting friends... She agrees + laughs. I am trying to see if I can get a musician to come play at the complex... I would distribute flyers to residents... maybe they can all meet on a grassy hill and get to know each other... I am out of ideas... Burns me out.. I have a career & grown kids that live with & near to me... and a social life... I call her daily when I am walking and she yells at me on the phone & yells if she hears me say "hello" to a neighbor... Tells me that is rude. I tell her it isn't & that she handle me saying a quick hello.... Can you top this? ;-)

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If you call the woman every day, expect to hear more of the same. It's who she is and what she does. You can't expect her to change at this stage of the game and because you think it's a good idea for her TO change. The only way to have her behavior not aggravate you is to stop listening to it every day.

That's what I did with my mother when she was alive: I cut down my contact with her b/c when I did contact her, she aggravated the snot out of me. Each & every time. And you know the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over & over again but expecting different results. Which is what SHE did: the same thing over & over again but expected different results! And never got different results and was disappointed & complaining to ME about it. Sorry ma, gotta go.

Try it. It works wonders to cut down on the aggravation factor!
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eat-pray-love Aug 2022
FABULOUS advice! Thank You. Re reading again. I greatly dislike phoning her...and to do it daily. Insane. I walk & carry the phone down at my waist. I cut calls short. Once in awhile stay on longer. Told her the other day I have decided we will discuss newsworthy events. I don't have it in me for her to read book jackets or tell me made up stories.. & way sick of the complaining.... She told me the other day to "take your positivity messages to someone who cares." So I said, "I will.. I need to go. Call you tomorrow." I am getting better at pushing her out of mind most of the day. I have too much else in front of me.. She is an energy vampire.
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I would want gently to suggest that this isn't a problem about your Mom. She won't be changing, and is likely somewhat "content" (if such folks ever are) with how life is going for her. This is actually a problem of your own, which you will have to CHOOSE to solve or not solve. You say that some of us have suggested that you don't call daily. I don't recall your other posts, but I would be one suggesting that.
More than that, as this is so distressing you you, and as it will NOT be changing, I would suggest you take care of yourself by seeking counseling for yourself to address what may be unhealthy enmeshment that keeps up out of habit merely. We laugh about our habits, but the truth is that they are very hard to change and we often need courage and support to do so. While we say we are miserable, we still continue like the old mill pony out to retirement, to walk in circles, because it is what we KNOW, therefore what is "comfortable " for us.
Reclaim and embrace your own life. Leave Mom to her own choices and her own life. You should pat yourself on the back when you begin to change how you react to your Mom; it takes enormous courage to do it. I wish you nothing but the very best of luck.
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eat-pray-love Aug 2022
If I didn't feel I was the only one who phoned her...I would take weeks/months off!!!! I did this before my Dad passed & it was GREAT. I am not codependent or enmeshed. She literally has no one else. I will re read what you wrote. Some good morsels in there. Thanks for taking the time. Much Appreciated!
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Take the lead from your siblings.
DON"T phone every day. Call 1 time a week, maybe.
Stop watering her plants. Stop trying to clean drawers, or closet.
Stop expecting her to change, it ain't gonna change, she ain't gonna change.
The only change that you can expect is YOUR change.
Change the expectations you have for her.
When she complains tell her that you don't want to hear about it and say "good bye" and HANG UP.
If you are visiting and she starts get in your car and go home.
If you want to get neighbors together, if you want to get musicians to come and entertain, or get a "block party" going get a job on a cruise ship, in a Senior Center, in an Assisted Living / Independent Living / Memory Care facility, some of them might appreciate the effort your mom won't.
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eat-pray-love Aug 2022
Thx for your thoughts! A bit "tough love," but I hear you & appreciate & receive a good amount. 1 phone call a week would take her down to the depths of depression... Don't have it in me to not check in, but maybe I should skip every day? And a resounding YES to leaving when she is being an A--. I cut my visits down to 4 hrs every other Friday. No more. I have to dump her trash & water the plants. I just have to... I've given up on purging interior or garage. She can't handle the thought of parting with memories, even though she doesn't use or wear anything in her closet anymore.. She doesn't care to lighten the load on me for the future. I just spoke with her gate guard & left a vm with HOA Pres. Gate guard thinks my lawn concert is a stellar idea ;-) PS I am a Realtor so same type of energy as a Cruise Ship Social Director. Want to buy a house?!
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Your mom had pre-existing mental health issues and now may possibly have dementia creeping in as well. Her PoA needs to read what conditions need to be met in order to take over managing her care, most likely 1 or 2 medical diagnosis of impairment or incapacity. The PoA may find that resigning is the best strategy and to allow the county to acquire guardianship of your mom so that they deal with her.

You keep wanting your mom to be someone she is not, never was and never will be. For some problems there are no good solutions -- only least bad options. May you receive peace in your heart as you wade through it.
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eat-pray-love Aug 2022
Thank You for this: "You keep wanting your mom to be someone she is not, never was and never will be. For some problems there are no good solutions -- only least bad options. May you receive peace in your heart as you wade through it." Re: your 1st paragraph. She is not at a place where we can take over her decision making... Hanging in there...
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Yes, two things are important maintaining friendships and finances.
Like you said and it is the best advice:
. *We need to plan for our futures...be social now if you expect to have a social life when you are older.
In my city there is several programs and informal groups which focus on specific activities, walking, going to special events, travelling together.
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eat-pray-love Aug 2022
I make suggestions & they are met with a "not interested." She lives 5 mins from some of the most GORGEOUS coastline in all of CA... and never spent time there. I drove her there after she agreed to let me take her-- after mos of her screaming "NOOOO!" to the idea. If she had convos with a few neighbors..might help.. Going to call her gate guard to ask re: my idea of a concert. I am trying to connect with contact person ..but they are slow to respond.
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You aren't going to change her, so why do you waste brain cells on the fact that she doesn't live her life the way you would.

I never the understand people who think that if someone else would do A, then they'll feel B. Just because that's your thing doesn't mean it's someone else's.

Stop trying to fix her. If she complains, say "hmm" to indicate you're listening, but don't offer any advice. Then change the subject.
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While, it's extremely frustrating to deal with your mom, there's not a lot either your or she can do about it at this point. She has mental health issues AND dementia, she is working with a broken mind. It's not like she has the ability to function at any sort of level that's "normative". It has to be hell for her...and by extension you. But until she can be placed in memory care you have two choices, work with her in her limited capacity or just ignore her and leave her to what will come (which I sincerely doubt you will do as you seem a kind, caring person). It's a lot, and it won't get better. I'm so sorry.
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