The nurse administered three meds that stopped the pain, but put her in a comatose state which stopped her heart. I'm sick over this. Wasn’t there any other way? My poor Mom.
Well, when DH’s grandfather was dying in in patient hospice, the lady across the hall was yelling to God to safe her from the pain. I mean this went on every 5 seconds at the top of her lungs along with moaning. It was HORRIFIC. They resisted pain meds.
After several hours of her screaming and moaning, the entire floor had enough because she was upsetting everyone and they finally consented to meds and she finally quieted down and rested. I had spoken with her husband in the family break room.
I guess you could have let your mom suffer to death. I’m not being ugly. I’m sorry your mom died.
Everyone wants the Hollywood death scene where the end is meaningful. That almost never happens.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your beloved mom, Momzindl. There is just no preparing oneself for witnessing the death of a parent. It is awful and it hurts.
I hope you are comforted by wonderful memories of your mother and by the fact that you did your best and were there for her at the end.
Eating, drinking, talking will cease as a body slowly shuts down. This can be quick or very slow. With or without medication.
I'm not sure what your expections were, but I am sorry they didn't match reality.
A different way to look at it is : you were present. Horrific or a blessing is dependant on your viewpoint. May this change over time as you connect to nicer memories.
Dear momzindl, Death is death. Sorry to be so blunt. It very rarely comes peacefully, like southerwave said, it's not Hollywood. Would you have prefered she go through days/weeks of pain? You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't make her die early. You're job now is to grieve, without the guilt. You don't know more than the medical profession, the nurse didn't kill her, it was her end. Months before my Dad died the doctor asked him how he wanted to go, and he said without pain. When it was close to his time, we couldn't get him into hospice care, they were too full, so I ended up ringing an ambulance. The next day, in hospital, (they hadn't read his medical history and he was unconscious) they had him on drips, and there were monitors & needles everywhere, and he fought that constantly, they had his hands bound to the bed. Once I talked to the leading Dr and told him we just wanted a simple and as pain free death as possible all paraphernalia came out, he too was administered painkillers and died within days. My cousin, who couldn't say what I said to the doctors, watched her dad die over a three week period in horrible pain, something she's still struggling with a year later. You didn't do anything wrong or make a mistake.
Medication is given if there is pain until that pain is relieved. While it may hasten the end of life by some minutes, even hours, this medication is given until pain is gone. The medication most often given is Morphine which affects respirations, and breathing, primarily. It is likely that your Mom's heart stopped not because she received pain medications, but because she was dying.
I am glad that your mom has Hospice there to medicate her until her pain was relieved. There is no reason any longer for people to die in agony. As an old retired nurse who saw patients die, at the beginning of her career, when there was no Hospice, I can tell you that I witnessed often days and weeks of profound agony. I am thankful your mom and others do not have to endure that torment anymore.
Speak with Hospice and avail yourself of grief counseling provided. I am so sorry for your grievous loss.
"I know 2 people who "chose" the days to die. Valentines day, July 4." Interesting observation. I was just reading the bio of John Adams, 2nd President of the US, and revolutionary leader. He died on July 4th, 1826.
Think about what you mean by ‘simply horrific’. My mother’s death took 24 hours, at home with me. I found it most distressing because the final breathing is so noisy and the sound is inescapable. Is that what you mean by ‘simply horrific’ – in other words horrific for you?
My mother’s death was peaceful, she had no pain, and it was gentle and final for her. We got through it together, and I was proud of us both. Can you think of it like that?
Most people feel numerous feelings at the time of death. I don’t know if we can ever be fully prepared for the emotions that we experience when we lose someone that we love.
I believe people who are close to death know that they will be dying soon and they are ready to go. Knowing this helped me tremendously when my mom died.
Give yourself time to grieve. Mourn your mother’s loss and then remember how much she meant to you and all of the wonderful memories that you shared together.
Wishing you peace as you continue to grieve the loss of your mother. She would not want you to remain in grief. Honor her by living your life to the fullest.
I'm sorry that your mom died sooner than you were wanting her to, but only God knows the day and time that He will call someone Home and apparently it was her time to go Home. I'm glad to know that your mom was pain free when she died, and I hope in time you'll be thankful for that too. If you've not been around others that have died before I guess it can seem "horrific" when in reality it's all part of life.
My late husband was under hospice care in our home for the last 22 months of his life and when he finally started his dying process, instead of it taking 3 days like his nurse told me it would, it went on for 41 days of him not eating and about 25 days of him not drinking. And hospice could NOT get his pain under control the entire time, so my husband was in pain and agitated his entire dying process which was extremely difficult and quite honestly "horrific" for me to witness. Plus I had to endure his dying process all by myself as hospice only came once a day for about an hour to change out his pain pump. I can tell you that his dying process did leave me with PTSD for quite a while.
So I hope in time that you can be grateful that your moms dying process only took 2 days and you can rest in the knowledge that she didn't suffer and is at peace now. Please seek out a Grief Share support group in your area, along with taking advantage of hospices grief services as well as both are free to you. God bless you.
A prolonged period of suffering with no relief constitutes a "horrific death" for a poor loved one. Anything else is a blessing, no matter how difficult it may be to process or accept.
Only God determines the time of our passing, not a hospice nurse or anyone else. Once you accept that fact, then you realize it was all in His hands the entire time.
Before there was hospice, my friend lost her mother to cancer. My friend was 19 or 20.
Her mom died a truly horrific death. She gnawed off her lips while in unbearable pain.
Your mom's death and the way it happened was a blessing. It was pain-free with a nurse watching over her, and mom slipped into a peaceful sleep. Yes, there was another way. And it would have been worse.
Both of my parents died in hospice care, somewhat like your mom. Dad had cancer and dementia, mom had dementia. What would have happened if they'd lived longer would have been my worst nightmare.
My beautiful intelligent mother was reduced to a shriveled husk of a woman who could not speak, wore diapers, and could no longer sit up or get out of bed. Her teeth were brown. She was afraid of her own toothbrush. My handsome, brilliant and talented father kept screaming that he wanted to die, and he was bedridden and incontinent. I was glad when they passed. I chose not to think of their deaths as horrific, and you can too.
I am so very sorry for your loss of your mom. I hope you will come to peace as you progress in your mourning.
I’m so sorry for your loss. See a lawyer asap if you are unsure. She shouldn’t have died so fast as it sure looks like medication error. My mom in facility now & I caught medication errors which could’ve caused an overdose if I didn’t check it before she took it, I have to be policewoman Hugs 🤗
I can save some time here. My uncle was incorrectly medicated in the hospital and it killed him. They couldn’t sue because they couldn’t prove it would have changed his outcome (he had extensive cancer). The hospital fired the nurse.
People do sometimes die quickly when in hospice. A lot of times that is because the family delayed putting LO in hospice because they couldn’t accept the LO was dying.
I'm sorry for your loss. The nurse administered the meds according to the prescribed orders. The purpose of the pain medications is to make the patient more comfortable during transition. I'm happy that your mom found some peace from the pain before her final departure. I've heard from hospice nurses that the patient picks their time. There is a spiritual component to dying. Celebrate her life, your good memories of her, and her smile when she was here. Death is a separation.
I truly believed that. My husband died five minutes before I got to him in the ICU. I was probably parking the car in the hospital parking lot and all of the indoor parking spaces were taken. I ended up parking all the way up on the outside parking platform where it was raining and accompanied by a bitter damp cold that cut through me while I walked down the ramp to find an elevator. The nurse met me at the door of the ICU when I arrived, and told me that he already passed. I sat with him for about an hour. I kissed him on his forehead for the last time and left. I trusted the palliative care team because I knew they fought for him up until the end. They asked if I wanted an autopsy and I told them no. His body had suffered enough. It was a hard day and a long eighteen months to follow. As I look back now, the anxiety, sadness, and grief were being experienced at once coming out as anger. Do I have closure? No. - Grief is only managed. It's something you learn to live with. I don't even remember the ride home. I drove home and parked the car. It was the hardest time of my life.
The crazy part about this entire story is that the doctors and nurses did not expect my husband to die and neither did he. Sometimes death comes even when least expected.
You are so right, Scampi. None of us can ever truly know when we will die.
I saw my brother walk out of an end of life hospice facility. He was at death’s door. He lived for awhile after he left.
When he returned to hospice he hung on for a bit and then died. His nurse told me that she has seen others who surprised her like he did by walking out the first time.
Awhile back , my best friend had a stroke and I thought she might pull through. She died shortly after she went into the hospital. She was in her 60’s. The sad part is that her family had to make the decision to take her off life support. She didn’t have a DNR.
I have a friend in rehab now who had a stroke and she isn’t doing that well.
I am so sorry that you lost your husband unexpectedly. Sending love and hugs your way.
That sounds like it was a peaceful passing. Its death. It's never a good experience.
When my grandmother died, it was not peaceful. After it was over, the hospice nurse says to me "I'm sorry you had to go through something that dramatic." When a hospice nurse says that, it's pretty bad.
I'm sorry for your loss, and I understand it can be traumatic especially if you've never been with someone as they died.
However, why do you think the nurse giving medication put her into a comatose state then stopped her heart? That's pretty much how it works in a normal death. One doesn't just go from happily chatting away to dead in moments. Instead, they wind down bit by bit until their heart stops.
I've been with three relatives when they died, and this was the case with all three. My grandfather went from vaguely talking to dead in about five hours. My dad was about 36 hours, and my mother was about three days. Only my parents were receiving hospice care and the accompanying medications, and it took longer for them to pass than my grandfather.
I think you're a bit shell-shocked from the experience, which is to be expected. I don't think the nurse's actions killed your mother, but rather enabled her to die peacefully and without fear.
It will take time to process what has happened,so give yourself that time. Don't lash out and blame others for your mother's death. Get a journal and write down your feelings to get them out. As time passes, your mental state will improve -- I promise.
When you say the last 2 days were horrific-do you mean she was in pain, miserable or simply 'dying'.
Hospice is all about COMFORT. For both patient and the family.
The drugs simply keep the person out of pain. would you bring your mom back for 5 minutes if you could?
My FIL went from eating and chatting with us at night--and then 6 hrs later, he is in a coma and struggling to breathe. The dr asked us if we would allow him to administer meds for comfort. Of course! The dr turned his back to us, but I saw him slip a huge syringe from his pocket and slowly injected the contents into FIL's IV. Said he thought dad would pass 'quickly' and while DH and SIL chatted away, BIL and I 'felt' dad's spirit leave the room. I quietly said "Guys, your dad is gone." DH jumped up and said 'That's impossible!'
It was less than 15 minutes from the injection to death.
Dad was finally out of pain. It was a sweet moment as that realization set in. Dad had suffered for so long--his passing was grieved, but we also honored his wishes to not prolong his life just because we 'could'.
I'm sorry you're struggling. Time will heal that--but it can be a long process. Be gentle with yourself.
My mother was 97 yo, had had 2 heart attacks at 91, CHF for 6 years thereafter, and many strokes, increasingly more frequently toward the end, until she had the "big one" that left her unconscious for the last five days of her life. Thankfully, hospice provided the drugs (morphine and loazepam) to prevent anxiety and pain, and to ease my mother's death. It was calm, and peaceful...but she never regained consciousness. The strokes had robbed her of speech, so she would not have been able to "say" good bye to her four daughters. Sadly, to this day, one of my sister's still blames me (our mother's only caregiver) for our mother's death. You see, I was the one administering those drugs, at the direction of hospice. I saw and knew what my mother looked like in pain... and what I observed of my dying mother under the influence of those drugs was peace and serenity. She died with grace and dignity, as I'd promised. OP, my heart goes out to you. Death is so final, I know it's not easy to accept. I hope you will be able to "re-frame" or "rethink" what you believe about the conditions of your mother's death...for your own peace of mind.
The “hospice killed my loved one" posts are usually from people who very recently lost someone. Emotions are still very raw. And after a death, there's tons of raw emotions all at once. One of them is anger. We want to blame someone. "How could our loved one just up and leave us like that? That nurse had to have done something to cause it! My loved one wasn't ready to go! I wasn't ready for them to go!".
Then time passes, sanity slowly creeps back in, and you realize it happened how it was supposed to go. That mom's body was exhausted, and her beautiful soul was ready to be released from its earthly shell. Like when a caterpillar becomes a butterfly once out of its cocoon.
It's also normal to question if there was any other way for them. In this case, no. It was going to happen no matter what. I think deep down you know that too.
We also tend to blame ourselves. Again, you did nothing to cause this or be complicit in her death. It's normal to feel pity towards the one you lost. If you believe in God and Heaven, please remind yourself that there is no more need to pity your mother. Grieve, yes. But if you believe Mom is whole in Heaven... pity those who aren't there yet, all of us here still in a broken world.
Your words are so true. People either blame the staff or themselves.
My father had a stroke almost immediately after his heart surgery. My mom said to me, “This is all my fault! I shouldn’t have allowed them to operate on your father. Then, he wouldn’t have had the stroke.”
I had to tell her, ‘Mom, you love daddy. He wanted to have the surgery. He would have died from heart failure if he didn’t have the surgery. You could not have talked him out of it. This is not your fault. It’s no one’s fault.’ I hated that she was beating herself up over him having a stroke.
My recently deceased LO was riddled with pressure wounds for almost 11 months, but thanks to her hospice caregivers she was virtually never in overwhelming pain.
Her highest level of discomfort was the temperature of the water in which she was gently bathed every day.
I was with her until the last week and a half, and no matter what time I showed up she was serene and peaceful.
Just before the last COVID outbreak made it unsafe for me to be with her, I said, as I did every day “I love you”, and she quite clearly responded “I love you too”.
I grieve with you in your loss, Momzindl, and hope that the darkness of grief may in time be replaced by the glow of memories.
After several hours of her screaming and moaning, the entire floor had enough because she was upsetting everyone and they finally consented to meds and she finally quieted down and rested. I had spoken with her husband in the family break room.
I guess you could have let your mom suffer to death. I’m not being ugly. I’m sorry your mom died.
Everyone wants the Hollywood death scene where the end is meaningful. That almost never happens.
I hope you are comforted by wonderful memories of your mother and by the fact that you did your best and were there for her at the end.
Eating, drinking, talking will cease as a body slowly shuts down. This can be quick or very slow. With or without medication.
I'm not sure what your expections were, but I am sorry they didn't match reality.
A different way to look at it is : you were present. Horrific or a blessing is dependant on your viewpoint. May this change over time as you connect to nicer memories.
Death is death. Sorry to be so blunt.
It very rarely comes peacefully, like southerwave said, it's not Hollywood. Would you have prefered she go through days/weeks of pain?
You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't make her die early.
You're job now is to grieve, without the guilt. You don't know more than the medical profession, the nurse didn't kill her, it was her end.
Months before my Dad died the doctor asked him how he wanted to go, and he said without pain. When it was close to his time, we couldn't get him into hospice care, they were too full, so I ended up ringing an ambulance. The next day, in hospital, (they hadn't read his medical history and he was unconscious) they had him on drips, and there were monitors & needles everywhere, and he fought that constantly, they had his hands bound to the bed.
Once I talked to the leading Dr and told him we just wanted a simple and as pain free death as possible all paraphernalia came out, he too was administered painkillers and died within days.
My cousin, who couldn't say what I said to the doctors, watched her dad die over a three week period in horrible pain, something she's still struggling with a year later.
You didn't do anything wrong or make a mistake.
Take care of yourself.
Medication is given if there is pain until that pain is relieved.
While it may hasten the end of life by some minutes, even hours, this medication is given until pain is gone. The medication most often given is Morphine which affects respirations, and breathing, primarily. It is likely that your Mom's heart stopped not because she received pain medications, but because she was dying.
I am glad that your mom has Hospice there to medicate her until her pain was relieved. There is no reason any longer for people to die in agony. As an old retired nurse who saw patients die, at the beginning of her career, when there was no Hospice, I can tell you that I witnessed often days and weeks of profound agony.
I am thankful your mom and others do not have to endure that torment anymore.
Speak with Hospice and avail yourself of grief counseling provided.
I am so sorry for your grievous loss.
PLEASE, do not have guilt....
The only person I know who did not suffer was my FIL who died in his sleep .
I know several people who died after they were alone...
I know 2 people who "chose" the days to die.. Valentines day, July 4,
You should not feel guilty at all ..
My mother’s death was peaceful, she had no pain, and it was gentle and final for her. We got through it together, and I was proud of us both. Can you think of it like that?
Most people feel numerous feelings at the time of death. I don’t know if we can ever be fully prepared for the emotions that we experience when we lose someone that we love.
I believe people who are close to death know that they will be dying soon and they are ready to go. Knowing this helped me tremendously when my mom died.
Give yourself time to grieve. Mourn your mother’s loss and then remember how much she meant to you and all of the wonderful memories that you shared together.
Wishing you peace as you continue to grieve the loss of your mother. She would not want you to remain in grief. Honor her by living your life to the fullest.
I'm glad to know that your mom was pain free when she died, and I hope in time you'll be thankful for that too.
If you've not been around others that have died before I guess it can seem "horrific" when in reality it's all part of life.
My late husband was under hospice care in our home for the last 22 months of his life and when he finally started his dying process, instead of it taking 3 days like his nurse told me it would, it went on for 41 days of him not eating and about 25 days of him not drinking. And hospice could NOT get his pain under control the entire time, so my husband was in pain and agitated his entire dying process which was extremely difficult and quite honestly "horrific" for me to witness. Plus I had to endure his dying process all by myself as hospice only came once a day for about an hour to change out his pain pump.
I can tell you that his dying process did leave me with PTSD for quite a while.
So I hope in time that you can be grateful that your moms dying process only took 2 days and you can rest in the knowledge that she didn't suffer and is at peace now.
Please seek out a Grief Share support group in your area, along with taking advantage of hospices grief services as well as both are free to you.
God bless you.
Only God determines the time of our passing, not a hospice nurse or anyone else. Once you accept that fact, then you realize it was all in His hands the entire time.
My condolences on the loss of your mom.
Her mom died a truly horrific death. She gnawed off her lips while in unbearable pain.
Your mom's death and the way it happened was a blessing. It was pain-free with a nurse watching over her, and mom slipped into a peaceful sleep. Yes, there was another way. And it would have been worse.
Both of my parents died in hospice care, somewhat like your mom. Dad had cancer and dementia, mom had dementia. What would have happened if they'd lived longer would have been my worst nightmare.
My beautiful intelligent mother was reduced to a shriveled husk of a woman who could not speak, wore diapers, and could no longer sit up or get out of bed. Her teeth were brown. She was afraid of her own toothbrush. My handsome, brilliant and talented father kept screaming that he wanted to die, and he was bedridden and incontinent. I was glad when they passed. I chose not to think of their deaths as horrific, and you can too.
I am so very sorry for your loss of your mom. I hope you will come to peace as you progress in your mourning.
People do sometimes die quickly when in hospice. A lot of times that is because the family delayed putting LO in hospice because they couldn’t accept the LO was dying.
I truly believed that. My husband died five minutes before I got to him in the ICU. I was probably parking the car in the hospital parking lot and all of the indoor parking spaces were taken. I ended up parking all the way up on the outside parking platform where it was raining and accompanied by a bitter damp cold that cut through me while I walked down the ramp to find an elevator. The nurse met me at the door of the ICU when I arrived, and told me that he already passed. I sat with him for about an hour. I kissed him on his forehead for the last time and left. I trusted the palliative care team because I knew they fought for him up until the end. They asked if I wanted an autopsy and I told them no. His body had suffered enough. It was a hard day and a long eighteen months to follow. As I look back now, the anxiety, sadness, and grief were being experienced at once coming out as anger. Do I have closure? No. - Grief is only managed. It's something you learn to live with. I don't even remember the ride home. I drove home and parked the car. It was the hardest time of my life.
The crazy part about this entire story is that the doctors and nurses did not expect my husband to die and neither did he. Sometimes death comes even when least expected.
I saw my brother walk out of an end of life hospice facility. He was at death’s door. He lived for awhile after he left.
When he returned to hospice he hung on for a bit and then died. His nurse told me that she has seen others who surprised her like he did by walking out the first time.
Awhile back , my best friend had a stroke and I thought she might pull through. She died shortly after she went into the hospital. She was in her 60’s. The sad part is that her family had to make the decision to take her off life support. She didn’t have a DNR.
I have a friend in rehab now who had a stroke and she isn’t doing that well.
I am so sorry that you lost your husband unexpectedly. Sending love and hugs your way.
When my grandmother died, it was not peaceful. After it was over, the hospice nurse says to me "I'm sorry you had to go through something that dramatic." When a hospice nurse says that, it's pretty bad.
However, why do you think the nurse giving medication put her into a comatose state then stopped her heart? That's pretty much how it works in a normal death. One doesn't just go from happily chatting away to dead in moments. Instead, they wind down bit by bit until their heart stops.
I've been with three relatives when they died, and this was the case with all three. My grandfather went from vaguely talking to dead in about five hours. My dad was about 36 hours, and my mother was about three days. Only my parents were receiving hospice care and the accompanying medications, and it took longer for them to pass than my grandfather.
I think you're a bit shell-shocked from the experience, which is to be expected. I don't think the nurse's actions killed your mother, but rather enabled her to die peacefully and without fear.
It will take time to process what has happened,so give yourself that time. Don't lash out and blame others for your mother's death. Get a journal and write down your feelings to get them out. As time passes, your mental state will improve -- I promise.
When you say the last 2 days were horrific-do you mean she was in pain, miserable or simply 'dying'.
Hospice is all about COMFORT. For both patient and the family.
The drugs simply keep the person out of pain. would you bring your mom back for 5 minutes if you could?
My FIL went from eating and chatting with us at night--and then 6 hrs later, he is in a coma and struggling to breathe. The dr asked us if we would allow him to administer meds for comfort. Of course! The dr turned his back to us, but I saw him slip a huge syringe from his pocket and slowly injected the contents into FIL's IV. Said he thought dad would pass 'quickly' and while DH and SIL chatted away, BIL and I 'felt' dad's spirit leave the room. I quietly said "Guys, your dad is gone." DH jumped up and said 'That's impossible!'
It was less than 15 minutes from the injection to death.
Dad was finally out of pain. It was a sweet moment as that realization set in. Dad had suffered for so long--his passing was grieved, but we also honored his wishes to not prolong his life just because we 'could'.
I'm sorry you're struggling. Time will heal that--but it can be a long process. Be gentle with yourself.
Thankfully, hospice provided the drugs (morphine and loazepam) to prevent anxiety and pain, and to ease my mother's death. It was calm, and peaceful...but she never regained consciousness. The strokes had robbed her of speech, so she would not have been able to "say" good bye to her four daughters.
Sadly, to this day, one of my sister's still blames me (our mother's only caregiver) for our mother's death. You see, I was the one administering those drugs, at the direction of hospice.
I saw and knew what my mother looked like in pain... and what I observed of my dying mother under the influence of those drugs was peace and serenity.
She died with grace and dignity, as I'd promised.
OP, my heart goes out to you. Death is so final, I know it's not easy to accept.
I hope you will be able to "re-frame" or "rethink" what you believe about the conditions of your mother's death...for your own peace of mind.
Then time passes, sanity slowly creeps back in, and you realize it happened how it was supposed to go. That mom's body was exhausted, and her beautiful soul was ready to be released from its earthly shell. Like when a caterpillar becomes a butterfly once out of its cocoon.
It's also normal to question if there was any other way for them. In this case, no. It was going to happen no matter what. I think deep down you know that too.
We also tend to blame ourselves. Again, you did nothing to cause this or be complicit in her death. It's normal to feel pity towards the one you lost. If you believe in God and Heaven, please remind yourself that there is no more need to pity your mother. Grieve, yes. But if you believe Mom is whole in Heaven... pity those who aren't there yet, all of us here still in a broken world.
Your words are so true. People either blame the staff or themselves.
My father had a stroke almost immediately after his heart surgery. My mom said to me, “This is all my fault! I shouldn’t have allowed them to operate on your father. Then, he wouldn’t have had the stroke.”
I had to tell her, ‘Mom, you love daddy. He wanted to have the surgery. He would have died from heart failure if he didn’t have the surgery. You could not have talked him out of it. This is not your fault. It’s no one’s fault.’ I hated that she was beating herself up over him having a stroke.
Her highest level of discomfort was the temperature of the water in which she was gently bathed every day.
I was with her until the last week and a half, and no matter what time I showed up she was serene and peaceful.
Just before the last COVID outbreak made it unsafe for me to be with her, I said, as I did every day “I love you”, and she quite clearly responded “I love you too”.
I grieve with you in your loss, Momzindl, and hope that the darkness of grief may in time be replaced by the glow of memories.