I recently got slammed and caught off guard by my adult daughter reacting to my attitude.

How old is your daughter? And does she (your daughter) suffer from any sort of chronic health issues, be they physical or mental? And if so, have you been the one who was primarily your daughter's "go-to" person to help her with her condition?

I ask this because this reminds me of a conversation I had with my daughter when I was caregiver for my mom (living in my home). It was during Covid, my daughter was home from college doing her classes online. Everyone was stressed out to begin with; my daughter and I were taking a walk one afternoon, and I was complaining about my mom (her grandmother). I remember her getting aggravated with me, and saying to me "mom, I can't be your therapist."

Boy, it hurt. My daughter suffers from anxiety and depression, I have been her sounding board since she was diagnosed in High School. I have done the late night cry-fests, the talking off the ledge scenes, the keeping her from spiraling out of control, the trips back and forth from doctor to therapist, the medication guessing-games. You name it. I have never said to her (although I have often been tempted) "Hey, E., you need to talk to your psychiatrist/therapist about this" even though there were times when she was in the midst of an "episode" I was terrified to say or do the wrong thing.

When I got over my hurt feelings, I realized it wasn't about her "being my therapist"; it wasn't even about her close relationship with my mom.

I think when you're the "fixer" in the family - and I'm generally the one my kids reach out to when they are having a rough time with things, regardless of what those things are - I think it's hard for those people to see YOU in the role of "needing" someone.

The safety and security for a child - regardless of that child's age - I think shatters when they see their parent(s) needing help rather than giving help. I really think that's when a child actually becomes an adult - when they come to the horrid realization that mom and/or dad CAN'T fix everything of their own accord and might possibly need someone else's help. It's scary. And when people are scared, the impulse is fight or flight. That might be the reason your daughter "attacked" you. Not from anger, or disappointment, or loyalty to grandma; she's just terrified that this is something that mom can't fix, and she knows it.

I realize that this doesn't make the hurt any less, and I am sorry this happened. But maybe a different perspective might make the hurt a little less.

(((hugs)))

Grandchildren are often (thankfully) spared the negativity and harsh realities. (I genuinely wish my children and niece and nephew had been with my FIL. I wish they had the opportunity to enjoy having a grandfathe/grandchild relationship instead of them realizing the ugly truth as young children - and being the recipients of his underhanded narcissism, covert favoritism, telling lies about them and them collectively deciding to avoid him when visiting their grandparents for the sake of the grandmother. They have ALL gone very low contact with him now).

That being said, as an adult - I also think your daughter should be capable of seeing more than just her side of things. YES, your mother may have been an angel for her - but she knows - or should know - how the real world works. And that means that not everything is as it seems. That a person can treat Person A one way and Person B a completely different way. And that YOUR experience is just as valid and real as hers.

That being said, I don't know anything about your daughter, so I'll tread lightly here. I have two daughters. One is VERY empathetic. She feels and see things before almost anyone. She is very sensitive to other people and almost never assumes she knows another person's truth or reality (and even SHE abandoned FIL. though she was the last one to do so). My other daughter, I love her to bits, but she is the complete opposite. She loves fully and if she loves you she will go to jail for you. But don't ever get on her bad sad. You don't stand a chance of getting back on her good side. And she loves me. I know she does lol. But she loves me a lot more when I agree with her. And she is the queen of the silent treatment if she thinks she has been wronged - even by me.

Why do I say that? Sometimes it is very easy for us to see things from our own perspective and get really rooted in that. She may only be able to see things from her perspective. Has she ever SEEN how your mother treats you? Has your mother ever treated HER the way she treats you? Is she trying to preserve her image of her grandmother? It is ESPECIALLY easy for someone who has not set their eyes on someone in decline to picture them as they last saw them. (We deal with this with FIL's sister who has not seen him in 10 years...still imagines him walking and driving - the man is now bedbound in diapers (ACTUAL diapers - these are NOT incontinence underwear) and he fills her head with all kinds of lies about what he is capable of that he has not been capable of in years) She will argue us into the ground about what we should be doing with and for him because she is in straight up denial.

I wish you the best. I agree with you. Venting to her is a dead end. We went to FIL's sister hoping for an ally and found a FLYING MONKEY! It is better for all concerned if you find someone else to vent to and just take the situation for what it is unfortunately. I'm sad that you can't talk to her. My mom and I are caregiver warrior besties.

Well, her grandmother could be "showtiming" - meaning showing the best part of herself to her granddaughter and when you see her then she shows the worst. My daddy did this at family gatherings, he would be kind, loving, giving compliments then when we were alone he would yell at me, call me names, tell me I was the worst daughter ever. I just lived with it. I knew he didn't mean it because I knew he was sick. Grands don't want to believe that their family is mentally sick they want everything to be hunky dory. You may want to find an outside friend to confide in.

I would point out that I hear you feel attacked. I don’t know that your daughter attacked you though. I think it probably hurt your feelings to hear this. I also understand that she is not involved in daily care of her grandmother and she hasn’t seen her in a while. You are taking the brunt of this. Caregiving is HARD.

Is there anything you can do for your own self care? I personally would choose to see this (Probably after a good cry) as a hint from the universe that maybe you are stressed and getting a little burned out.

Are you feeling trapped?

Is there any truth to what your daughter said?

I can't find it now, but I think u said that ur daughter has not seen Gma in 2 years so she has no idea of the changes. I would have cried to if my daughter talked to me that way. I agree, DD has a different relationship with Mom. So, you now know that you don't vent to ur daughter.

My Mom was in an AL and then LTC. I found I had more freedom when she was in LTC. I was no longer responsible for finding Depends on sale. No longer responsible for paying that monthly rent (Mom was on Medicaid and I allowed the facility to become her payee). Her toiletries were provided. I stopped doing her laundry. Mom was in the last stage of her Dementia, so I visited every other day. She was safe and well cared for.

You are retiring, great. New chapter of your life. Its time for yourself. Mom is in care so now u have the ability to do anything you want. You answer to no one. Mom is Mom and at this point no changing her. You do what you want when you want. Don't want to take that call from Mom don't. Want to go on vacation for a week, do it. Your free!

The two women that you are talking about are completely different.
One is the woman that you have cared for for many years, now living in a facility. The one that you still care for and are an advocate for.

The other woman is the one that your daughter talks to on occasion. One that she has minimal contact with. One that she does not have to deal with on a daily basis.

It sounds like the woman that your daughter talks to can "hold it together" for a little while. And is the "sweet grandma" that she has always known. Maybe getting a little "ditzy" in her older age but still grandma.

The one that you deal with is the one that knows you, trusts you and she feels that she can be herself and she does not have to "hold it together". And she is the one that you have to still get to appointments, still have to care for to some degree.

When you want to vent, when you want to get your frustrations out your daughter does not want the reality of the "two" women.
Journal if you can. Write a diary of the things that happened. Get your frustrations out. One day your daughter may want to read what happened. (Maybe when she is caring for you the journals might come in handy.😉)

I simply Googled "When a parent uses their children as psychologists" and these two separate paragraphs came up...

1) When a parent uses a child as a therapist?
Emotional parentification happens when the child becomes the parents' counselor, confidant, or emotional caretaker. Sometimes, this involves a form of 'Emotional Incest', where the child is being treated as an intimate partner to the parent.

2) What does a parentified child look like?
A parentified child does not develop a clear sense of their own needs and feelings. As an adult, they may find it hard to trust others, manage their own emotions, and form healthy intimate relationships. They face a greater risk of anxiety, depression, substance use disorders, and eating disorders.

Your daughter attacked you? Perhaps you should've sought the help of a professional therapist or social worker to vent your frustrations and hurts about your mother.

I would apologize to your daughter and tell her that your fatigue and your own issues with your mother made you inappropriately abusing her.

Seek help. Don't be your daughter's child.

It's a tough thing to step back and see your part in this.

Your daughter has her own relationship with your mom.

My children had a special relationship with my parents.

I wanted my children to have a wonderful bond with their grandparents like I had with my grandparents.

Mother daughter relationships can be very complex. It’s quite different from grandparents and grandchildren.

My children understand that my relationship with my mother was different from their relationship with her. They didn’t criticize me. If they had, I think that I would have been hurt.

I was careful not to speak badly about my mother to my children because I didn’t want them to feel like they were caught in the middle.

I knew kids who were very uncomfortable when their mom complained about their grandmother because they loved their mother and their grandmother. No one likes being caught in the middle of other people’s disputes. They don’t want to have to take sides.

I vented to my therapist about things that truly bothered me.

Best wishes to you. You can vent here on the forum anytime! We’re safe. We don’t bite! 😊

Simply put, your daughter knows the person she was. She likely fills in gaps for problems, and a lot of times, it takes more than one time for something to happen to make it stick that there’s a problem.

You know your grandmother as she is now. And you’ve been grinding through it for however long you’ve been doing it. It’s hard to maintain perspective and, who knows, you probably are a bit negative but it’s exhausting so, of course, the niceties aren’t as nice as they were.

I just hung up on my father because he went down the same rabbit hole he goes down every couple of weeks. I just didn’t have the capacity for it today.

I got this scolding from my daughter as well. I was stressed and venting and she didn't want to hear it. I can see where it was hard for her, even though it pissed me off and hurt my feelings. I accepted it and did my best to honor her request. I know I say too much at times, but it's hard to keep it in.

I disagree with a prior post saying to basically refuse to answer questions from your daughter about her grandma. I'd say that is she WANTS to hear about it, then it's ok for you to answer. She may be sorry she asked, but that's her problem.

This is exactly my situation! My daughter is so affectionate and tolerant of my mother’s (her grandmother’s) ways, but, to Daughter’s credit, she has never rebuked me for my *grrrrrrr* attitude about dealing with the situation. I try to honor their relationship, and promote their mutual afffection, realizing that they have a totally different relationship.

I’d like to offer a different (possibly contentious) view.

Your mother is still her grandmother. Your issues with your mother are not hers.

Do you wish to maintain a relationship with your daughter? That you felt “attacked” by her conversation is concerning. What if she was expressing her concern because she doesn’t want it to erode your relationship with each other?

Your daughter has a different relationship than you do. Does she ever spend any real time with her grandmother? That might be an eye opener for her. My kids thought my father was so fun. I thought he would be the death of me. I asked my daughter to help out one day cause I was just burned out dealing with him. She sure got a different view and could see my side.

I'm guessing because you are burned out, and the one who is around your mom more often, that your daughter is probably right and doesn't want to hear negative things about the grandmother she remembers and loves from her growing up years.
And I'm also pretty sure that you are unhappy as well, as caregiving is the hardest job around hands down. It's easy to get that way when you're not taking the time necessary to do fun things that you enjoy, so that you can maintain who you are and you don't get lost in the shuffle as so many caregivers do.
So lesson learned.....don't share negative things with your daughter anymore, and PLEASE start taking better care of yourself by doing things you enjoy so that if you decide to stay on this journey with your mom that you will be the best version of yourself possible.
And find a good caregiver support group in your area that you can say whatever you need to to get things off your chest. There is NO ONE better to share with than other folks who are going through similar things as you and can truly understand.
You'll figure things out. Let this just be learning experience.

My mother and I had a troubled relationship for years and years, and during part of that time, I’d often hear from friends how lucky I was to be her daughter, and for whatever reason it never made me mad when that was said to me.

I sort of took her as she came, and I was really delighted that she made a big effort to be a super grandma.

If anyone had ever “called me out”, I think I would probably listened to them.

The years when I was working while the kids were in school were very tough, and I probably was cranky and negative a lot of the time.

My mother had severe emotional issues, and I think she did her best even though things didn’t work out well for either of us.

I’m still glad to this day, that I did whatever I could to give her the very best during her final illness, and I have delayed but very satisfying comfort from the reciprocal love we shared during her later years.

Your daughter has no idea what it means to be a caregiver, it is a depressing thankless job.

Me, I do not share much about what is happening with my mother & stepmother, people do not want to hear it and personally, talking about it is depressing to me as well.

I adored my grandparents, I lived with them for 7 years as a child. My mother, well that was another story, so sometimes it is just the pecking order of life, she is favored and has been treated differently.

Your daughter is living in her little girl fantasy world, you will not change her attitude.

Move on find a new someone to vent to, don't discuss your mother to her, if she brings her up, just say "I do not want to talk about her".

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this.

I think you need someone else with whom to vent. Maybe get a counselor who help you cope and is paid to listen, and look a caregiver group with people who really understand what you are going through. I can sympathize with your daughter, she needs to remember your mother as the caring, kind grandmother she was. You can tell her what's going on and how your mother is declining, but refrain from conveying your stresses and emotions.

I heard through the grapevine that I was always angry. It was true, the stress in my life made me tense and angry a lot, and nobody ever called or saw me during those early morning hours when I still could manage to put on my happy face.

Your daughter doesn't want to hear all the negative things. She doesn't want to think of you and her grandmother in that way, she lacks the life experience and perhaps the empathy to be your partner in all of this. The solution is to draw back, to limit your discussions to light, superficial topics, to be "cheerful and stupid" as radio host Dr Joy Browne used to advise. Find somewhere else to vent - for me it was this forum.

I am so sorry for your hurt.
So now you know...your daughter is not the person to vent your frustrations to about her grandma.
That does not mean you don't get to vent...just choose your audience more wisely.

If my son ever said to me about my mother what your daughter says about you and yours I would take him right by the ear (even though he's an adult) and he'd be reckoned with.
Then his father would do the same.

Your daughter has an entirely different relationship with your mother than you do.
Many people speak very highly of my mother. They have nothing but praise, accolades, and admiration for her. She's a wonderful person to many people.

I am the one she always lashed out at and took it out on. I am the one who took the abuse, the gasligting, the negativity, the bullying, the belittling, the hysterics, and the snideness my entire life. So, I understand completely where you're coming from.

Don't take that kind of lip from your kid no matter what age she is and don't cry about it.
Tell her that she has an entirely different relationship with your mother than you had.
Show her this post.