I once enjoyed spending time with my elderly mom but since my dad's passing, all my mom watches on YouTube are religious programs & politics.

Visit for a while, try to enjoy the program, then leave.
Your Mom clearly isn't quite right, and she really isn't in control of the niceities of things anymore. She has this habit and intends to stick to it.
I am assuming you have tried EVERYTHING
Reading to her
Listening to true crime podcasts (hee hee would work for me)
Doing a puzzle
Playing a very simple board game
anything else you can come up with. If none of that works and she won't take a walk with you or go to visit the ice cream parlor I am afraid you are stuck with religion and politics. I could take anything for an hour. Even religion and politics.
And just a few times a week.

Tell Mom that you will visit a bit more frequently when you can put on Judge Judy!

Ugh! Is this getting stuck on one thing a new habit for mom or has she gotten stuck on other things before? I’m guessing you’ve tried getting her out for other things, like to eat or shop? If she’s adamant to do nothing else, and you’re sure nothing else is at work such as a mental decline, then set a mental timer for yourself and stay for whatever time you can take it. Then excuse yourself and go, no need to explain, she knows you don’t enjoy this, who would over and over !?

I have a book recommendation for you--Lifeskills for Adult Children. Please find it in your local library and read it.

Just pretend to be watching it for a while. You don’t have to talk about it to her.

Stay as long as you wish, then leave. It’s difficult to watch our parents get stuck in a rut. Even more difficult to watch them decline.

So sorry for the loss of your dad. Best wishes to you and your mom.

How old is your mom? Does she have dementia? When did she start doing this? How long do you visit?

At your house, lose the remote when she is coming to visit. Or tell her NO TV when she is there to visit. It's your house. Or suck it up and watch for a bit then tell her you have things to do or play on your phone or read or whatever so you don't have to actually watch it.

If you are just done with this being forced to watch tv thing, you can set a boundary. Unless she has dementia, then you are kind of stuck and your only option is to limit your visits. Boundary could be something like "I want to come visit you tomorrow but I do not want to watch TV. I want to play a game (or whatever you want to do instead)." Or give her 2 or 3 choices of something else to do. Tell her if she turns the tv on, you will find something else to do. Like go home.

This would drive me crazy!

Oh, 2 out of the 3 subjects that are taboo to talk about, you mean? Throw in sex and you'll be all set....for THE most stressful visits EVER! Why do you feel obligated to watch religious or political programs with your mother? Tell her you will watch NO programs while visiting her and if she won't respect your wishes, you won't visit. Since when does the elder get to dictate what we do???? Set down some personal boundaries with the woman and stick TO them!

She might go for watching a video with you instead. That way you could bring or stream something you’d enjoy. My mother would watch Elvis movies all day long. She also like other cheerful musicals like Singin’ In The Rain.

Have you tried bringing an activity to do WITH her, enlisting her help, to help YOU? Sorting old family pictures may elicit some great memories and conversations. Sorting seed packets, or socks, or recipe cards. Thrift stores are a great resource for cheap costume jewelry for sorting. When at her house bring a lunch dish, mostly made, but ask her to help you put the final steps together. If she's ambulatory, tell her that you have hurt your back, hip, leg, whatever and the doctor wants YOU to get up and walk regularly, then ask her if she will walk with you around the block so YOU will feel safe. By enlisting her help, she isn't being told what to do, but is being asked to help. Avoid all talk of the show on the tv. That's a war you won't win. You're far more likely to get positive results using a distract and redirect tactic. Maybe???

Would she notice if you had earbuds in? My dear late father loved to watch the nightly local and national news programs each evening almost to the end of his life. I became allergic to news a few years ago and needless to say it stressed me out to the max. During election season he would watch all the debates, and also would never miss a presidential address (or rebuttal by the other party, as well). All PBS specials about current events or politics were big favorites of his as well. For my own sanity I would listen to ocean/whale singing relaxation-type soundtracks during all of this and discreetly read on my phone. (It helped that he was blind in one eye and my chair was on his blind side. 😉)

Thinking of you and hoping you can figure something out!

I'm concerned that your mom has no friends except you.

Does she belong to a church, or a Senior Center?

You say she's a "young 75". My friends in their 70s and 80s are volunteering at museums, traveling to Europe, swimming and working out at the Y, learning to play an instrument and taking classes and the local senior center.

Has your mother been screened for depression?

"Mom, I came to visit with you and talk, not watch TV. Let's take a walk in the park."

How about "hey mom. I came by to spend time with you by talking and doing some activities together. Sitting here watching you watch TV is not a productive use of my time and energy. You get to pick one of two options. Either just my being here is company enough while you watch TV, so I am free to do other things at the same time, or you can watch alone and I will visit at a more convenient time."

"Choose one mom..." and follow through on her choice. Pull out your phone and enjoy.

Why isn't her depression being treated?

This sounds like a very enmeshed relationship that you and mom have.

You DO realize that you can't be responsible for someone else's happiness, right?

It sounds like your mom used to be easier to be around, more flexible, engaged

Then she changed. I would see about getting her in for a thorough evaluation of her mental and physical health.

I will make a really long story short-when my mom's personality changed, it turned out that she'd had a stroke which profoundly effected her reasoning and planning abilities.

It sounds like it's you that has the problem here and not your mom, as you seem to have an odd co-dependency thing going on.
You say that your mom is a "young 75 year old" so why aren't the 2 of you getting out in the real world and doing some fun things like shopping, going for a walk, or doing some volunteer work together, or even traveling?
You are putting undue pressure on yourself by saying that you are your moms only friend. I hope you realize just how unfair that is to you and very unhealthy as well.
Since your mom is a young 75 year old, it's up to her to get out and make friends for herself. All Senior Service Centers, Shepard Centers, and most churches have many programs for seniors that would keep her as busy as she chooses to be.
It's time to cut the proverbial apron strings as it's not healthy for either of you.
You might need to seek some therapy to help you do just that.
Best wishes.

"We live in NYC and it's hard to get out during the Winter season."

J, YOU sound depressed. Are you seeking treatment?

Perhaps she is wanting to go to church? And this is the way she can give you hints without being direct.

So is there anything physically wrong with your mom that prevents you and her from doing something other than sitting in her home watching religious programs? You noted that you're in NYC, well, go to a diner...or order food in. It can be done! I live in one of the boroughs of NYC, am more than 10+ years older than you, caring for a 95 year old who can barely walk, and even we sometimes go to a diner/restaurant. You have to have the will to do it. Break the mold and do something! Your mom may live another 20 years, enjoy your and her mobility now.

Get in touch with these folks:

https://bcsnygroup.com/?gclid=Cj0KCQiAnfmsBhDfARIsAM7MKi1ZuR5SMqD_DcUpUjfs_ps9SZRplqp5yKQGByeQlyTfCx6xiu-e2tQaAt3aEALw_wcB

Get a referral from your PCP to see a psychiatrist for medication.

JenGem, do you accompany your mother to doctors appointments?

It really seems that something is going on that warrants medical attention.

Jen,

You say that you have a granddaughter. So, your mom has a great grandchild. Do you talk about her at all? Show her pictures of your granddaughter? Children have a way of bringing a smile to our faces.

Your mom sounds very OCD and you seem to be enabling her.

perhaps you shouldn’t visit for awhile. Work on your own mental and physical health and just give mom a phone call instead. More difficult for her to enforce tv watching while on the phone. The break might do you both good.

Don’t go back until she is willing to turn off the tv. Unplug yours before she visits. No exceptions.

If mom is really that healthy, she shouldn’t need you at only 75 to run errands etc.
Do you think you are in a bit of denial on that part, that mom is in great shape?
Do you think your continuing to support her in this unhealthy habit is doing her any good? How so?

If this is all new behavior since dad died then she might be able to recover in a few months but she probably needs help you are unable to provide. Unable or unwilling.
Which do you think it is? are you unwilling to break the cycle or unable?

Your going along with it is not healthy for either of you. IMHO.


You should stick with the forum to help you better understand what is going on in your life and your moms and check into the link Barb sent. There are many posters here on the forum who have difficult mothers. It is sometimes easier to see our issues from a distance than when it is right in front of us.

You know your mom does need you to help her get past this difficult patch. The only way you personally may be able to help her is to distance yourself. Consider that. Doing what mom wants, hasn’t helped. Please don’t set yourself up to be the enabler for mom to spend the next 20 years watching the same tv programs over and over while she makes a slave out of you. Do you realize you are not allowed to have your own feelings when you are with mom? Do you realize that you defend her when someone makes a suggestion? she is your mom, she loves you and you love her but this is a sickness mom has. don’t go along with feeding her more poison. I am trying to use words to give you another way of looking at your situation. I am not trying to be rude.

Here is a good quote to think about by Mark Twain. “It’s easier to fool people than to convince them they have been fooled”.

I wouldn’t tell mom she can’t watch the tv. I would just tell her not in your presence. Do not do things for her she can do for herself. That will make her an invalid. You must be firm.

I wish you well.

Might be time to back off and let for herself, sounds like she has to control everything and everyone.

I get being depressed, but many times that is used as an excuse. There are senior day centers she can go to, meet ppl her own age and do activities,

You have made her very dependent on you, it is time for you to change your mindset and approach your relationship with her from a different perspective.

I would start by telling her you will not visit if she keeps the TV on, there is no reason to, you can watch TV at home. You are not spending quality time with her, you are just wasting your time.

You are an adult, her equal, keep that in mind.

Good Luck! The ball is in your court.

I found this interesting, Jen:

"A few months ago, I went to see a counselor and he asked me if I thought I was depressed because I am in my fifties. I thought it was insulting."

When we have strong feelings in a counseling session, those feelings are worth exploring. You seem to think that having strong feelings means you need to find a different therapist. To a therapist, those strong feelings are a "way in" to the conflict that you are clearly feeling--about your illnesses, your age, your outlook on life.

Look, change is hard. Getting older and having chronic illnesses is harder. You seem to have not only your mom but also your granddaughter on your plate.

Who is looking out for you?

When your mom says "I thought you came here to spend time with me" what would happen if you said "I did come here to spend time with *you* and not your TV. You seem to be doing fine watching TV, why do you need me to be here to help you do it? ". And then talk it out.

How about "Mom, we can watch videos for half an hour. Then I'd like to (fill in the blank) go for a walk, talk about a museum you've been, tell her a funny story about work).

Guilt is a useless emotion, manufactured in our heads. In healthy parent/child relationships, the parent (your mom) is repaid by you helping YOUR children, not by feeling duty bound to be a slave to her.

Just because your mother (or your boss or your friend) asks you to do something doesn't create an obligation to do that thing, if it is unpleasant for you. Your wants and needs are just as important as hers.

There's a good website called Out of the F.O.G. (fear obligation and guilt). It might help.

Jen, your mom being a good woman and the fact that you want something different out of your visits are not mutually exclusive.

You don't have to do her bidding because she's a good woman.

You're allowed to say "no, I won't do this anymore" and not feel guilty.

Tell her what you’ve told us here in your post put it out there. Have a conversation about it.

I would also tell her you don’t want to watch these shows and you don’t want to compete with the TV. You came to visit her so the TV needs to be off.

Find something outside the house that would be fun for her. Treat her to lunch instead of sitting in the house.

HH,

I love the suggestion of taking her away from the house. Lunch is a perfect solution! Or going to a museum or nearby park too. This would give them an opportunity to talk about other things besides tv.

Alva,

One of the first things that my therapist said to me is not to be afraid of arguments or backlash from others for being honest because it is the only way to get things settled.

When people bite their tongues until it bleeds, nothing gets resolved. Sure, there’s a time and place for everything.

Pick the correct time and place and say whatever has to be said. That’s how I feel about it now. This ‘Keep the Peace’ crap never works in the long run.

Jen,

I raised my daughters to be independent. I appreciate that they speak their own mind. I really do.

I am not the least bit offended if they don’t share my opinion on something or if they have different tastes.

They are young. I don’t expect their tastes to be identical to mine. I want them to be true to themselves.

Perhaps your mom doesn’t want you to have your own opinions. Instead she expects you to be like her. I don’t know her, so I won’t speak for her. I just want you to know that you’re entitled to have your own opinions in life.

I would expect my daughters to get up and walk out if I tried to dictate what they should or shouldn’t do. They aren’t puppets on a string.

They love me and care about me. I love them dearly but we think for ourselves. Everyone respects each other and gets along. If we need to agree to disagree on a topic we do and move on.

Jen.

My mother watched The Young and The Restless soap opera in her room on a daily basis. I didn’t care to watch it with her but I respected that she loved it.

I did giggle when she would tell my brother who married four times that he was like one of the actors in her soap opera!

My mother was a very fashionable woman. She had exquisite taste in clothing and she enjoyed seeing the fashionable clothes that the actors wore.

If I walked into mom’s room and she made a comment about the clothes, I would agree that the outfit was pretty. Otherwise, I wasn’t paying attention to the story line. She knew that I wasn’t a fan of the show.

Just tell your mom that you don’t want to watch those tv shows. Explain to her that she can watch her religious shows all she wants whenever you aren’t around.

I was glad that my mom found comfort in saying the rosary or watching Mass on television.

Your mom is free to be herself when you aren’t there and you are free to be yourself. You don’t have to follow her ways.

It is sad that your mom has these expectations from you. I’m sorry.

I worked with a woman who told me that her mom insisted that she call or visit her daily and that she was going to do the same thing when her daughter was grown.

My coworker said that I should tell my daughters to call or visit me daily when they grow up. I told her that I had absolutely no interest in being a dictator to my children when they were grown.

I also said that I was here if my children need me but that I didn’t want to tell them how to live their lives. That’s a sure fire way of chasing them away.

Your mom doesn’t realize that her behavior is chasing you away because of her behavior. I wonder what her relationship was with her mom. So often we either follow patterns or we break the cycle and think for ourselves.

I’d say get a chair and sit in front of her with your back to the TV. Tell her that you are visiting HER, not the Television. If the sound annoys you, use ear plugs. Only take them out when she is actually talking to you. Perhaps take book or some knitting with you, so that you have something to do when you are sitting there. To be honest, there is no way I would even stay in the 'visit' with someone who was watching TV, not me, but then I’m not a big TV fan.

You are NOT going to convince a committed Christian (or a committed naturopath fan, as in another thread) that you disagree or that you don’t want to be converted – at least not by talking. However actions really can speak louder than words.