I need some support. Grandmother is saying hurtful things and I revert to being 10 years old again. Advice would be helpful!

Teepa Snow suggests apologizing. Sometimes that helps people listen to you.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=vasnp81x63E

Gbprincess, I am in the same situation as you are. The minute I walk in the door, my mother launches into a list of complaints. Yes, I don't even have my coat off yet. It is very disconcerting because if I was in a good mood before I came home now I am annoyed and feel the need to explain. I don't like to have to defend myself because it feels childish. I have to remember that when she starts in with her complaints I should just say, "I'll get back to you in a minute but let me get changed first." Then leave the room. There is no reasoning with a person with dementia; it will just make you sick. As 97yearoldmom said, plan on how you will respond when you walk in the door. It really does help. I know it is hard because I catch myself off guard at times. It sounds like you are very caring person and want to do the best for your grandmother. That is why it hurts. Just try a new strategy and see how it goes. Peace be with you.

Thank you for the words of encouragement and advice! I needed to hear these things so I know there are solutions. You all are amazing.

GB
On your profile you mention a heart condition for your GM.
The sundowners is usually considered to be a sign of dementia. Sometimes symptoms of dementia come from a UTI. If you can get her tested for that, you might find that’s the problem. It’s a simple pee test. Ask that it be cultured so that you get the correct antibiotic. Get her a probiotic, Vit D and make sure her Bs are tested. Dehydration can also cause mood problems.
About yourself. Your GM Is in her late 90s. Many live to 100 these days. Not too many make it to 110 but some do. I have an aunt who is 104 and still doing quite well. Her daughter, not so much.
So take extreme care of yourself. Maybe you don’t come straight home from work. Maybe you take a walk first. Maybe a mindful meditation class right after work. A swim or just a few minutes sitting in your car listening to a little music or relaxing your body.
Give yourself a few instructions on how to respond to whatever you find when you walk in the door.
If you are like most of us, you plan to see it through.
Give yourself some checkpoints on when and under what circumstances you might decide to bring in extra help or hospice or long term care. It’s a measure of comfort to know that when we get to a certain. Juncture we have a plan.
You sound like you are doing a great job.

Thanks to all of you for sharing your experiences.
It makes sense it would be sundowners and I need to be in tune to that. Our evenings are usually quiet and calm but she suffers from short term memory loss and forgets the good things that happen during the day. Thanks for the support! I’ll read up on sundowners.
And I’ll work on not getting so emotional when she lashes out.

Gbprincess… I can empathize. My honey does this with me though it is not only at night. I have learned to put a barrier up after determining he can only hurt me and make me angry if I allow him to. I have the luxury of telling him to knock it off which I am not sure you have with your grandmother. My honey can act like a 5 yr old throwing a temper tantrum. He tried the guilt trip on me but found it would not work when I told him to knock it off, I have had guilt trips used on me by the best (my mother) and he is not it. Stopped them. As I said, you are in what seems to be a different situation, but you have to learn to be able to block it out when hurtful things are said. As Baskethill1 said she may be going through sundowning which is different from what my honey is doing. Hang in there and though it is easier said than done try not to take what she says personally.

Thank you baskethill1.
I do try and leave the room and that seems to help. She often gets over it. But not tonight. When I returned she starts in again and I want to plead my side of the story to her! I need to stop this behavior on my part of engaging her.
I’m sorry about your mom. It is shocking to hear these things. We do everything we can for them and we do it with love and kindness so when it isn’t returned it’s hurtful.

I dont know what time you come home but she could be in the sundowners period. That usually has some mild to drastic effects on elderly . Its going to be a roller coaster for both of you .. My mom says dont hurt me and im just shocked when seh does. Id never hurt her and never have. She just gets confused and scared. esp if i walk to her too fast or yell . (which im working on ..but one can only be woke up in the middle of the night for bs so often and still be sunshine and roses .. ) Try to just leave the room for a few and catch your breath .