I need some support. Grandmother is saying hurtful things and I revert to being 10 years old again. Advice would be helpful!

I dont know what time you come home but she could be in the sundowners period. That usually has some mild to drastic effects on elderly . Its going to be a roller coaster for both of you .. My mom says dont hurt me and im just shocked when seh does. Id never hurt her and never have. She just gets confused and scared. esp if i walk to her too fast or yell . (which im working on ..but one can only be woke up in the middle of the night for bs so often and still be sunshine and roses .. ) Try to just leave the room for a few and catch your breath .

Thank you baskethill1.
I do try and leave the room and that seems to help. She often gets over it. But not tonight. When I returned she starts in again and I want to plead my side of the story to her! I need to stop this behavior on my part of engaging her.
I’m sorry about your mom. It is shocking to hear these things. We do everything we can for them and we do it with love and kindness so when it isn’t returned it’s hurtful.

Gbprincess… I can empathize. My honey does this with me though it is not only at night. I have learned to put a barrier up after determining he can only hurt me and make me angry if I allow him to. I have the luxury of telling him to knock it off which I am not sure you have with your grandmother. My honey can act like a 5 yr old throwing a temper tantrum. He tried the guilt trip on me but found it would not work when I told him to knock it off, I have had guilt trips used on me by the best (my mother) and he is not it. Stopped them. As I said, you are in what seems to be a different situation, but you have to learn to be able to block it out when hurtful things are said. As Baskethill1 said she may be going through sundowning which is different from what my honey is doing. Hang in there and though it is easier said than done try not to take what she says personally.

Thanks to all of you for sharing your experiences.
It makes sense it would be sundowners and I need to be in tune to that. Our evenings are usually quiet and calm but she suffers from short term memory loss and forgets the good things that happen during the day. Thanks for the support! I’ll read up on sundowners.
And I’ll work on not getting so emotional when she lashes out.

GB
On your profile you mention a heart condition for your GM.
The sundowners is usually considered to be a sign of dementia. Sometimes symptoms of dementia come from a UTI. If you can get her tested for that, you might find that’s the problem. It’s a simple pee test. Ask that it be cultured so that you get the correct antibiotic. Get her a probiotic, Vit D and make sure her Bs are tested. Dehydration can also cause mood problems.
About yourself. Your GM Is in her late 90s. Many live to 100 these days. Not too many make it to 110 but some do. I have an aunt who is 104 and still doing quite well. Her daughter, not so much.
So take extreme care of yourself. Maybe you don’t come straight home from work. Maybe you take a walk first. Maybe a mindful meditation class right after work. A swim or just a few minutes sitting in your car listening to a little music or relaxing your body.
Give yourself a few instructions on how to respond to whatever you find when you walk in the door.
If you are like most of us, you plan to see it through.
Give yourself some checkpoints on when and under what circumstances you might decide to bring in extra help or hospice or long term care. It’s a measure of comfort to know that when we get to a certain. Juncture we have a plan.
You sound like you are doing a great job.

Thank you for the words of encouragement and advice! I needed to hear these things so I know there are solutions. You all are amazing.

Gbprincess, I am in the same situation as you are. The minute I walk in the door, my mother launches into a list of complaints. Yes, I don't even have my coat off yet. It is very disconcerting because if I was in a good mood before I came home now I am annoyed and feel the need to explain. I don't like to have to defend myself because it feels childish. I have to remember that when she starts in with her complaints I should just say, "I'll get back to you in a minute but let me get changed first." Then leave the room. There is no reasoning with a person with dementia; it will just make you sick. As 97yearoldmom said, plan on how you will respond when you walk in the door. It really does help. I know it is hard because I catch myself off guard at times. It sounds like you are very caring person and want to do the best for your grandmother. That is why it hurts. Just try a new strategy and see how it goes. Peace be with you.

Teepa Snow suggests apologizing. Sometimes that helps people listen to you.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=vasnp81x63E

Remember that Grandma’s brain, as we say, is broken. In addition, she is living in a delusional world this broken brain has created for her. Because you are her caregiver, all her delusions involve you. You’re the “target” so to speak. Or the you she deludes herself you are. For some reason Ive never understood, people with dementia see themselves as some sort of warriors who must defend themselves against the world. At least that’s how my mom acted. Everyone was out to hurt her, spy on her and steal from her. I never figured that out. It was very real to her and it took me months before I learned just to roll with it. Apologizing did work on occasion with her. But I apologized for the situation, not for anything she blamed me for. Come back here often. There are wonderful people here!

I think it can be helpful to try to remove yourself emotionally. You 'don't have a dog in the fight' so to speak. I tell myself that when I am with my mom or my aunt that they are no longer really here. I am now dealing with someone else. That helps me to sort of step away from them when they are not rational. There was a book out there when I was raising my children (One two three magic, I think was the title) that was the same sort of concept. Really helped to not be pulled in emotionally.
That said, it helps to step away, have a big cry and pitty moment, and then get back in the game. Good luck and hugs, this is really hard stuff!

Bless you for your caregiving...My advice is contrary to human nature.... When she jumps on you, just say, "Let me understand you, Grandmother. You feel I have done something wrong, is that right?" She will respond of course with a "yes" and likely another tirade of words. When she is finished, say, "I understand now..Thank you for pointing that out to me." DO NOT defend yourself. If/when (likely when) she responds with more verbal abuse, smile and say nothing. This is very hard to do, but with repeated practicing, it can be done... (What others think of us is none of our business.) When she responds again, do not say anything more about it. Go to the bathroom. Take the dog for a walk...Get dinner started.

You will not ever understand her nor will you ever change her...You have a choice.
You can decline to play the game.
Let her rant and carry one as long a she wants...It will be unpleasant for you, yet what you have been doing has not worked for you and this may not change her at all, but it sure can change you.. Bottom line: You will not change her...You can change you...

Grace + Peace,

Bob

Dear one, don't be offended and hurt. I went through the same thing with my mother ywars ago when her dementia began. She would call the police on me because she thought I was a stranger in her home. Don't take it personally! She is kust confused and disoriented! Ekderly people have a hard time accepting that they are not independent anymore ajd and that can be a source of hurt and anger. It will. Get better with time as she accepts it. You have to put on your "big girl pants" and just laugh to yourself and don't take it personally.

I have something similar with my father,
sometimes nice and sometimes upset. I try to take him places, but he still feels no one takes him anymore. He's frustrated that he cant drive like he use to. I understand and try to help, but there's so much i can do. I need to live too.
My advice is while they might say convoluted things, dont take it personally. They are just venting. You know you are doing your best.
If I can't take him somewhere, I try to occupy him in other ways, with music or a movie or newspaper

I agree with97yroldmom. Regarding urine tests, I order the urine collector and the cups. Have her fast and place the urine collector in the commode so first thing in the morning its collected. Label the cup and pour in. SOOOO much easier than trying to collect while at the dr. office.

I pray in advance and think about mature ways to respond. That means you have to become clever and sometimes bite your tongue, so to speak. Try these 5 tips:
1 Respond positive and calmly.
2 Be neutral or vague even though you may have a good strong point to make.
3 Act as though you are considering things she says, but respond with a kind voice of reason.
4 WALK AWAY calmly when needed.
5 Don't use your words as weapons or daggers to inflict pain or to get a reaction. Use your words as tools to keep peace for yourself if nothing else.

This is all easier said than done I know, but with time you will master this. You may fail at times, but start over.

Get above it.

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

And get some of your own interests and hobbies going. Especially those that remove you from her presence.

This behavior is very common. It is not personally directed from g'ma. She is not even aware that she might be hurting you. Detach yourself. It may be hard at first, but when you understand that many old people behave this way, it becomes easier.
Best to ignore and say yes to everything and continue to be gentle, then they respond better, more often. It isn't easy, but it is the way it is. Take care.

Gbprincess, you touched on the hardest thing I deal with.
Things that are said that bring me back to childhood emotionally. I give you so much praise for being there for your grandmother but remember you are there to help not get pulled into her life.
You may be at the point that you need to get more support for yourself and get away.
You need to care for yourself so you can be there for her.
Boundaries are our friend. 😊

If this is new behavior it wouldn't hurt to have Gma evaluated. She could have a UTI, potassium imbalance, sugar problem. Even be dehydrating. When short-term memory is going, they forget to eat and drink. At her age Dementia is not uncommon. If found she does have Dementia, she may no longer be able to be alone.

Im so sorry. The fact that grandma is nice as soon as you get her what she wants tells me she can understand if you tell her you love her but your tired and you have another job also. And tell her it hurts your feelings when shes so demanding. Has she been diagnosed with dementia or alzheimers? From what I know as a C.N.A. sundowners applies to only those diagnosed.

GBprincess, I have this exact situation going on. I live with my 87-year-old mother full time and she can be fine one minute and accusing me of everything under the sun the next. She complains about things that have been changed (not), things that have been stolen (not), and so on. My sister, her family, and I are the targets. I've been dealing with this for a year and there are still times I can't keep my mouth shut. It is so hard to hear such hateful things from your mother about things that aren't true. It's also really hard to see her so upset about things that have not happened. I have also tried apologizing and that seems to shut her up. Other than that, about the only thing you can do is develop elephant skin or visualize a force field around yourself that her words can't penetrate. Lots of good coping ideas in this thread that will help you, and they will help me, too.

Grandma loves you very much. The ins and outs are due to the onset of Dementia. Its a horrible sickness but cannot be helped by her. She doesn't even know whats going on in her head anymore. I know, I as many of us have been there and its broken all of our heart to see it happen to a loved one.
Speak to the doctor and let him know whats going on and the rest really is in gods hands now. some how some way you need to be strong enough to ignore the negative side of behavior and enjoy the positive part of grandma.
After having both parents go thru it at the same time, and than having them pass three weeks apart recently I can tell you from experience you will has lots of ups and downs but if you can teach your self to block out the bad and thrive on the good you will be ok.
I don't think of all the terrible hurtful things either of my parents said or did, I think of all of the good times I was able to have with them until they passed.
Be strong and loving to her and to yourself ... caregiving is the hardest job to do.
good luck and keep in touch....

I have the identical story. Home at lunch there all the time. I have caregivers too. The sundowners happens starting at about 3 and is going gangbusters at 6. I find by 8 it dissipates. I get my feelings hurt and get angry daily it seems. If she is sitting in a chair, I sit on the floor right next to her with my shoulder or back leaning on her leg/knee...and maybe I put my hand on her foot. And, we talk about small items...dinner or what's coming on TV soon. A dog helps. And I talk her down off the ledge. Or we just piss each other off, and I leave the room. It's super frustrating. They can't remember or appreciate all that you do. Don't feel guilty about any of it. Don't dwell on what happened earlier or yesterday. Each moment is a new moment. Move forward. You are doing a great thing. Just focus on that.

You have received some good advice here. Given your grandma's age, it could very well be one or a combination of some of these illnesses or situations. Certainly try to find out if it isn't something physical and see what the solutions are, if any. However, if it is NOT some "outside" factor making grandma act out, and she is of sound mind, then you have every right to "call her out" on her bad behavior. You don't have to be disrespectful about it, but just because she is elderly doesn't give her a pass on bad behavior. I have said this before, and will stick to my guns about it....age is no excuse for bad behavior, ESPECIALLY when it comes to verbally abusing someone! I get that grandma might not be able to control passing gas as she bends over or something (bad behavior for those of us who can control it!) BUT her words are a different story, and she CAN control those (assuming again, no "outside" factors like dimentia, a UTI, etc. are in play). By taking care of her, you are doing something most of us don't want to do, or simply can't handle doing, and she definitely should be respectful of you and grateful you are there for her. You don't have to put up with abuse, no matter who is dishing it out. It can adversely affect the person you are or become and that just isn't fair to you. Make sure you take care of yourself in all of this, and if it becomes too difficult, get outside help (if you don't already have it). You and your health are just as important as grandma!

Am sure she doesn't mean for you to feel that way you're the closest person to her and she may feel frustrated at needing so much help, hang in there n don't take what's said in anger from her personally.

Hi GBPrincess … first please let us know how you are doing.

I agree with Old Bob and the other posts here. It sounds like something she can't help. My honey does not have sundowners ( as I said your situation is somewhat different but with some of the same challenges as mine), but I found that a lot of his worry and anxiety attacks (which I intend to address with his pc doctor tomorrow when we see him). When things were going downhill physically for him, he complained constantly and then went to being vicious and mean verbally. When he came home from the hospital and rehab he was like a different person. He has been home a little over a week and though he is not being verbally abusive, he still gets his cut downs in like don't touch his phone, check book (I had been balancing it for him) etc as anything I touch I mess up. When this starts I just say fine, take it with a grain of salt and go on about my business or head to my study. I refuse to rise to him baiting me. He is aware though that I will not tolerate any yelling and/or verbal abuse, period. I am aware that the cut downs are a form of verbal abuse, but I choose to ignore them as I have found that though I love him very much, he can only hurt me or make me angry if I allow it. I learned that after the severe verbal abuse that I endured before.

Please hang in there... You might look into a psychologist/psychiatrist that teaches mental relaxation techniques. This was taught to me after I had my first major stroke and it has stood me in good stead through the years. Also, find a hobby that you like and work on it a little bit every day. I have told my honey flat that unless it is an emergency I will not respond between such and such hour(s). You have to set boundaries while still reassuring the loved one that you love them very much but in order to be able to help them, unless it is an emergency, you need this time period for yourself. Took me awhile and it was hard for me to do this, but I have and it is working out well.  By the way..still keep a check on her (I check on my honey periodically during this time..most of the time he does not know it. )

Well have to run as rehab for my honey just showed up. Please take care and keep us posted how you are doing.

My mother does the same thing. I have mentally separated her from her disease so when she lashes out, it's not Mom, it's Mr Parkinson's being grumpy. It's okay to tell him to wait two minutes, remind him he already took his meds, or just, "I gotta go pee. I'll take care of it as soon as I can." Then I go to the bathroom and do a couple of minutes of relaxation and deep breathing.
On the other hand, it's a joy when Mr Parkinson's is quiet and Mom is back. I spoil her and talk, sing, or read to her and she's always appreciative.
It takes practice, but separating her from her disease can be a sanity saver.
Bless you for caring for Grandma. But care for yourself, too.

I don't have any advice for you since I am in a similar situation - not living together, which is a blessing tho. It's a horrible feeling to be reduced to feeling like a 10 year old naughty child. I too, used the book One two three magic when raising my children as mentioned above. I don't remember the exact process but my book is totally worn and dogeared, and we all made it through pretty well, so I think it contained good info on not letting emotions get the better of you. I'm finding that this journey is much like raising young children (tho, sadly without the rewards of seeing them "see the light" and behave better). Hugs to you - sounds like you are a wonderful caretaker.

GB Princess and others,

It is helpful to remember that your loved one has become "a time traveler" moving back and forth between different times in the past and now. He or she is not in control of how they behave. They are often moody, perhaps because they sense they are no longer in control of their lives.
It's tough, but you do need to step back and give yourself time to be. Don't try to care for the person living with (PLwD) on your own. Get in other members of your family and paid carers. If you don't, you will burn out and no longer be able to care for your loved one. I think patience and compassion develops slowly in relation to the needs of the PLwD. Be patient with yourself and try to communicate your patience to your loved one.

I used humor.When my mom used to accuse me and anyone else in the house, real or imaginary, of stealing her blouses. After trying to convince her I did'nt I went and got one of her blouses held it up (moms 4ft 10 and I am 5ft 6) to me and said mom my belly would be hanging out and unless I could revert to my body in my 20s that is not happening. Sometimes she laughed and other times it just made me feel better to treat it as a joke.