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AKA, step father's wife is the one with dementia. They are here now, both in AL.


Since I last saw her in person a few months ago, she has really slipped mentally. Here are my two questions:


She is 81, looks 90, has the crown balding thing going on, she has not aged well, continues to have her hair dyed jet black, hair is long, she ties it to the side and has this pony tail thing going on. You get the picture. Anyway, every person she sees, she asks them to guess how old she is. Then she will tell me and my brother, over and over again, that everyone is staring at her because they think she doesn't belong there/ AL, because she looks so young. Not. We have asked her to stop embarrassing the servers and so on, and TT her about the staring issue, she is new that is why they are looking at her, and, no one is really staring at her. Any thoughts?


Next. Is there any warning signs that a person with dementia is getting ready to start a new phase, such as roaming? We are now having trouble keeping AKA in the car, we will tell her to wait, and the next thing we know she is out. The other day, we took them to Pop's dialysis location to sign some forms, we went in to get the forms and bring them out to them, as he is in a wheelchair, and this was the easiest way to accomplish this, we told them to stay in the car, we go in and shortly thereafter, I see her sitting in the lobby. In a store, if we turn our back, she is off somewhere and we have to find her, she is reading a label although she doesn't know what she is reading. Any thoughts?


Thanks for taking the time to read this!

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First, if any obviously old lady came up to me and demanded I guess her age I'd immediately assume something was off, that's not normal at any age. Of course I'd guess a flattering age, most people don't want to be cruel plus you never know what will set a disturbed person off. Telling her it's embarrassing and asking her to stop isn't going to work, she's got dementia and her social filters and ability to remember the admonition are damaged. People in the AL are paid to work with elders and should understand. The solution when in public is to limit her exposure.

As for wandering and other difficulties - you have to be aware she has no impulse control so it is natural that when something piques her interest she is apt to want to investigate it, straying farther and farther until she can't find her way back. Just as with a small child you have to keep one eye on her at all times if you continue to take her out.
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anonymous912123 Aug 2019
Not embarrassing to us, to the person she asks, one said that to her "You are embarrassing me", she responded "That's ok, everyone says that I look 70"! The server came back later, and she asked her the same thing again, the server responded "70". AKA responded, I am really 65, too young to be here! My brother and I just smiled at the server! We are trying to restrict her time out, but, it is difficult as they are addicted to places like Costco, Walmart, that was their hobby, when he could drive, going shopping there 3 times a week.
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All her adult life, my mom was always very proud of the fact that she looked younger than she was. She wouldn’t start off a conversation with “guess how old I am”, but if someone told her she looked younger than she was, she’d preen like a peacock. And actually, someone told me the other day they thought I was in my forties. Holy Wow! My thoughts are that in the big picture, this is harmless. You should not be embarrassed by what she says. It could be so much worse! (Trust me on this one) As for her hair, she doesn’t realize what it looks like. Buy her some pretty clips or hair ties. If the facility has an on-site or visiting stylist, buy her a wash and trim/style. I got money from my kids for Mother’s day for a “spa day”, so I know that was their kind way of telling me to go get a haircut. 😁

With dementia, there is no neon sign that says, “I’m entering a new phase of this disease.” I noticed there were less and less conversations with my mom that made sense. She did start wandering. She had lucid moments and sometimes even days. Those were rough because she realized where she was and what was happening to her. Somehow, you as her LO just realize what’s happening. It’s like being in a batting cage. You connect when you can, but sometimes you miss the ball. Like we always say, it’s a journey. Not an easy one, but a journey nonetheless.
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anonymous912123 Aug 2019
Thank you, we are not embarrassed, I commented above. I am trying to encourage her to get her hair cut and possibly have some weaves done, over her bald spot. So far, no luck, I will keep trying.
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DollyMe, ah the crown balding, I have it, my late Mom had it along with all her sisters, and their mother had it. One bit of DNA I really didn't want :P

Even those I am in my early 70's, I have my hair pulled back in a pony tail or a simple French twist to help cover that crown balding, and these two are the only hair styles that will work for me. I tried shorter hair, but it was exhausting dealing with hair rollers and sleeping on them, and sure enough the next day that crown balding would be showing again... [sigh].

The best way for your Step-Mom to wear a pony tail is for her hair to be very shiny. Some black hair dyes I have seen look more like charcoal with no shine. Have her try different types of conditioners, buy trial sizes. Make sure she has a good bathmat, as those conditioners can make the floor of the tub/shower slippery.
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