I need help coping with my grandfather's negative, narcissistic behavior. I don't know what to do.

When I hear men around here talking like this, I suggest they get on a bus to Darwin (a very long way and a cheapish but gruelling 3+ day bus trip). At the other end, everything is different – the weather, the job prospects, the people etc etc. Only the beer is the same!

If you top yourself, your mother is in a worse situation than if you just hop on the bus, Gus. If your grandfather is in a worse situation, who cares? How about you just skip, and phone a welfare agency to look after your mother just before you go. It is a better option than pulling a wave over your head. You are in an unbearable situation, so don’t keep on bearing it!

Look after yourself, yours, Margaret

Ryan,
I am trying to get a picture in my mind of what part of Mississippi that you live in in which you could not find services that could help. My family has lived in Mississippi for almost 50 years and our experience has not been like yours. Several family members have very intense mental illnesses and they have never been treated like criminals and have always received the help they needed. It is my understanding that these services are available throughout the state. A quick search on the internet found several MS crisis lines and websites and the Mississippi Department of Mental Health.

Someone mentioned Adult Protective Services to you and you said that you don’t trust them, and you said that where you live is like a prison with no chance of escape. I understand that living in a very rural area would make it more difficult to get services, but this would be true in any state, but they do exist. I suspect that the “prison” walls started to enclose you at the age of 21 when you first started caregiving for your grandparents. How and why did you decide to do this?

There IS help to be found even where you live, but you are going to have to trust some of the entities set up to help you. Check out those AA/NA meetings again, even if you feel you don’t belong, especially if in the past you might have had a problem with these substances. These groups don’t focus on the substances; they focus on how to live in the world in a better way without them. Don’t let the fact that they meet in churches deter you. They do this because the churches let them use their facilities for free as part of their service to the local communities. The churches have no influence or control over what goes on in the meetings.

Ryan, the situation you describe is difficult, as it is for everyone who comes to this website. Your prison analogy is very apt, but the walls are not real. You have the power to open the door to your cell. I believe that just telling your story on this website opened it a crack. Sometimes we get so used to circumstances that we don’t believe that there is any other way and we remain in our prison, hating our life and hopeless. We see no hope for change.

Please call APS, the suicide hot lines, the MS Department of Mental Health. Go to an AA or NA meeting. Some of these people may fail you, but keep trying. You are worth it. Let us know how you are doing.

It does sound like you need out of this stressful situation. Could you contact social services and tell them that you are no longer able to care for your grandfather and let them know he and your mom are vulnerable elders in need of assistance? They can figure out what sort of assistance he and your mom need that they can provide. It is not unheard of for an elder to be made a ward of the state in the instance that they lack the mental capacity to make decisions for themselves, and when there is no family willing or able to assume responsibility for their care.

Social services can also help you to find access to mental health care such as counseling, psychiatry, etc. There are free clinics in some areas that are funded by grants and/or state funded that help provide these services to individuals who can't afford to pay or don't have insurance.

Hugs, please take care of you and your mental health. If you get to the point of thinking of suicide, please call 911. There is absolutely no shame in admitting when you need help. And please know that you are not alone, and that you have options and do not have to stay in this abusive situation with your grandfather long-term.

Your caseworker once you call social services can also give you some good resources on housing, shelters and the like also so that you can have somewhere to stay while you get back on your feet. Some of these types of places have programs that will help with finding jobs as well.

Please come back here as well and let us know how things go. I'll be praying for you too.

Jjust get away. You owe nothing to someone who treats you like this. It's not even worth mentioning that he treats you despite all you have done but he is beyond ungrateful. He sound like a worthless less than human being. Drop him and try to find what resources you can for yourself as mentioned here. You shouldn't even care what happens to him. He is a relative in blood only but worthy of nothing else from you. How dare he? You can never fix him.

No one can fix this for you but you. Find out where the nearest men’s shelter is and get there, somehow. Contact your local Health and Human Services and tell them you are considering harming yourself. As long as you tolerate this and wallow in misery, things will not get better or go away. Healing will not happen for you overnight, but unless you get out, it will not happen at all.

It’s easier said than done to get away or get help. I live in a very conservative state. (Mississippi) where depression and mental illness is treated like a crime. I live in a very rural place. Where the closest support groups are a several hour drive away. Only thing here is alcoholic/ narcotic anonymous ran by churches. I’m nethier a substance user or religious. So going to a church for help would be pointless. Calling social services here could make things worse. I’ve known people here that have called for various reason then ended up getting investigated for abuse/neglect. It felt like a knife in my chest when he said I’m killing him like I did my grandmother. He has been diagnosed with dementia. So I understand that stress can make him say things he don’t mean. But he has always been a rascist narcissistic dictator. Who makes himself feel better by putting others down. I understand why my uncle wants nothing to do with him. He was lucky he got away and never looked back. But this is my grandfather. Not my father. I’ve been taking care of my grandparents since I was 21. I’m now 32. My whole adult life has been hospital after hospital. Unhealthy amounts of stress and depression. I don’t know what it’s like to live or be happy. I’m not perfect. I’ve done things I regret and pay for every day. I don’t see a future for myself. I wouldn’t know where to start. Friendships, relationships, etc have all gone out the window. If I didn’t stay and take care of them. Nobody would. I earn money by reselling stuff on the internet. I have a 2 year degree in computer systems technology. I buy broken electronics fix/refurbish them. Then resell. And raise seedling plants in the spring to sell. There is no tech jobs here. Only agricultural and hard labor. If I had the funds and ability to leave him to his own demise I would. But conservative Mississippi is a prison with no hope for escape. And if I did the guilt would be unbearable. I’m just lost and don’t know what to do.

Im so sorry you’re going through this and feel so alone. Living with him would be my vision of Hell on earth. But I’m not sure why you have no insurance? Is there no Medicaid in Mississippi? Have you tried applying for it at the Social Services office? If your income is low enough you should be able to qualify. But regardless, you need to see your doctor (even if you have to put it on a payment plan or charge card) and tell him you’re having suicidal thoughts and why. And ask him for help not only for yourself but what to do about your grandfather with dementia. You also could call the suicide hotline and ask for help through them. The bottom line is eventually either you need to leave, or your grandfather needs to be in a facility that can deal with him, but you need to get help ASAP. And remember although you feel an obligation as a human being to make sure he’s cared for, nowhere is it written in the Book Of Fate that it’s YOU that needs to do it.

Maybe someone on the forum that has more Mississippi specific information can chime in.