I need advice on caring for my 59 year old mother.

I don't think you realistically CAN 'take control of this situation', honestly. Your mother is the person who can do that; only she has the power to change her own life. Sucking you into the endless pit isn't 'fixing' anything, it's just ruining two (or three) lives instead of just one. You can't care more about her than she cares about herself, that's the bottom line. She needs to get herself back to the doctor and agree to try new medication(s) to combat chronic depression, if that's what is going on here solely. If she needs further diagnosis, then that is something she needs to explore as well. You can always be her advocate, and even speak to her doctor(s) if she will give you permission to do so, but again, the ball is in her court, the way I see it.

Helping her financially is likely causing you harm. Involving yourself in 'fixing' this situation is likely causing a rift in your personal relationship; if not, it surely CAN do so in the future, especially if your mother moves in to the room you created for her.

At what point do you step back and tell her that she has to agree to help HERSELF before you can do anything else for her? A bit of tough love may be required here. My mother is 93 now, and I've been listening to her say she's 'biding her time' here on Earth too, and can't wait to die. She's threatened to throw herself out the window, has taken off in the car burning rubber (when I was a kid) saying she was going to drive off of a bridge........and a ton of other drama filled threats that have never panned out to a hill of beans. Just created tension, anxiety and nerves for ME, frankly.

I was finally able to talk to my mother's doctor in 2011 and he prescribed Wellbutrin which has helped.........to some degree. I still have to listen to the "I want to die" litanies and then all the fear about actually dying, in reality.

So. I think it's a great idea that you're signed up for counseling because with luck, the counselor can teach you how to set boundaries with your mother while living your own life.

Resign your post of being your mother's safety net and savior. You can't save a person from herself, and that's the truth.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.

At 59, your mother could live for several decades. She will ruin your life if you let her. Lealonnie1 is absolutely correct--you will need to set boundaries.

You know I've suffered from depression on and off for most of my life and I can say from my own personal experience with this that there is nothing anyone else could do for me that would help me. Unlike your mom I try very hard to not suck anyone else into my experience. When you are depressed I think sometimes you feel like you are stranded on a rock in a big ocean of others living their lives, fulfilling their dreams, experiencing their happiness. You begin to think that you are alone with your sadness and emptiness and no one understands. You start to feel like everyone out there is happy except you which only adds to your depression.

I think if you could get your mom into some sort of counseling that would help a lot. Cognitive behavior counseling with a group would help her see that she is not alone in how she feels and that there are many others out there. Anti depressants unfortunately sometimes draw a person even further inward. I know cause I've taken a few. I'm not suggesting your mom should discontinue hers but maybe she needs some counseling in addition to the medication.

She has made you her lifeline and you need to somehow wean her off of thinking like that. The only way you can do that is to slowly stop aiding her in that way. Not all at once but gradually. Introduce her to new resources to replace that area in her life that you have been filling.

If she isn't willing to try then you have to practice tough love and never ever blame yourself for any outcome that occurs. You need to start living your own life.

I am not a psychiatrist so I can’t possibly speak from a professional point of view.

Personally, I feel badly for anyone who suffers from serious depression, anxiety or any other mental health issue.

All of us have struggled with emotions in our lives, if anyone has received a clinical diagnosis it’s even harder. Our environment can play a part as well.

I feel equally as bad for family members and friends of people who deal with mental health issues. It can be a challenge for them to find ways of coping with what is best for everyone that is involved.

Family members may want to help and that is admirable but cannot entirely sacrifice themselves.

Boundaries must be set. It is not cut and dry. Medications may help but it can take awhile to figure out which ones work the best for that person.

The person has to take their medication properly and so on. Can or should the prescribed meds be taken long term or temporary? The patient and doctor have to work on finding a resolution together.

Sometimes it does become a burden to help someone with severe depression and you have to have an honest discussion with them by simply saying that you are not a professional and therefore not qualified to help them get better.

We can’t do everything that is often expected of us and we need to gently remind them that their problems require more help than we are capable of doing.

Please remember that you cannot neglect your own needs. I wish you happiness with your fiancé. Best wishes to you and your family.

Your mother has given up on trying something different.

That's the last straw for me. Are you in touch with anyone in your mother's mental health team? - because the advice you could do with is about how to get her formally assessed so that she can be provided with the right supportive treatment.

I don't mean - tie her down and stick a needle in her bottom! But her depression is deepening, her quality of life is diabolical, and it's such a *waste*. Good heavens! - this lady is three years older than me! You can't allow her to allow the next twenty years to be like this or worse, and there's no need.

Does she have a job, by the way?

I am almost her age...within a year distance... So, your mom is depressed, as I am too sometimes. REading the posts on this: DO NOT FEEL GUILTY !! Whatever happens is NOT YOR FAULT... Ok.. so we go that out of the way...
Your parents divorced.. Obviously it wasn't good, and seems like your mom was not the one to instigate it... If for any reason or not: Please Tell her to forgive herself. She most likely WAS NOT THE CAUSE OF THAT.... she may need to get past that... any yet, I did not do my homework on your profile... so.. i maybe so incorrect..
Get mom involved with something that she likes..whatever it is... books, gardening, cooking, etc.. quilting, knitting,... you know..
pool, tennis, paddleball, darts, ... yup, you know. Go with her... play darts when this covid thing is done.......this is ruining everything... I think I will take up scuba diving again... at least you are 30 feet down form the surface.. and most times farther down than that...
Took one trip, and the water was crystal clear.. I headed down to the buoyancy ring that broke loose, some while ago before me, and landed around 150 feet below surface.. Yes, the water was very clear. Look at that !! Bing... I was happily flipping my fins down... down... down... and then I felt a tug... "WHAT?!!!" my hubby tugged at my fin :( It was too far down... :( but I wanted to swim through it... :( darn it. DARN.. maybe he was right... Maybe... I will never know.......
Tell your mom, you love her.. you need her, and just take one step forward.. I cannot believe people sometimes... men n women.. wont say one gender is better than th other.. This is on a more personal platform....i have a family member going through stuff, and it's hard, dibilitatingly hard.
Assure her she did nothing wrong.. Some people change over time...mostly...one way or the other... You know....

Resign your post of being your mother's safety net and savior. You can't save a person from herself, and that's the truth.
But you can keep trying...it's your mom... She most likely won't listen to you,,, you are her child....
Just be HER sounding board... you don't have to respond. She needs someone there to sound off to... Tag You Are It.....
Let mom know, it's okay to feel that way.. But let's take 5 minutes each day, and be thankful for some sunshine. :) or rain, depending on what you need....

Sasha, my daughter suffers from anxiety and depression. She is taking Zoloft and undergoing cognitive behavioral therapy.
She is currently 19 years old and has been dealing with it since High School. You have my absolute sympathy and understanding. It's so hard on them, and also on us, who want nothing more than to wave that magic wand and make everything better. But a part of me also sometimes wants to just shake her and say Just Be Happy! How hard is that? Of course, it's just not that simple, and knowing it doesn't make it easier to live with, on either side.
One concern I have though - you mentioned in your post that she is on medication (that's great!) - but you said nothing about any kind of therapy. Successful treatment is a two-pronged plan - medication to alleviate the physical symptoms (panic attacks, shortness of breath, etc) but ALSO some sort of therapy, such as cognitive behavioral therapy. Without the CBT, a person suffering from these disorders never learns how to control the panic/depression rather that have it control them. CBT will give the patient strategies on dealing with the issues that arise that cause the anxiety/depression.
Generally speaking, people who suffer from the disorder aren't producing enough serotonin in their brains to keep things on an even keel, so to speak. That's what the medication is designed to help with. But the therapy is key. It has helped my daughter immeasurably. She is not 100% cured. I don't know that she will ever be 100% cured - and by cured I mean off medication and no further therapy - but she has learned skills on how to cope. And she is still learning. She still does weekly therapy - when she went to college her therapist set up an online session which she is now using with this pandemic.
I would try really hard to help mom find a therapist. And don't be surprised if it takes several tries before she finds someone she is comfortable with. And that's ok, a good therapist will tell you it's of the utmost importance to find a therapist that the patient is comfortable with. But mom has to be willing to do the "homework" so to speak. If not, then nothing will change.
For my daughter, she seems to have many more problems if she's bored - I think then she gets fixated on things and can't pull herself out of that anxiety/depression spiral. Exercise is also a big help for her, even if it's just a brisk walk. Those things don't "fix" it, but make it more manageable. Understand that this disorder is often a two step forward one step back process, and a regression is NOT a failure. My daughter has come off her meds twice (under doctor's care) and has ultimately had to go back on both times, and that's ok. The first time she was devastated ("I failed), but both her doctor and therapist told her it's perfectly normal. The second time she had to go back on, it was so much easier for her to deal with it.
Finally, I'll tell you the advice my daughter's psychiatrist told me when I asked how I can help my daughter, because that helpless feeling is terrible. He told me to ASK HER what I can do to help - what does she need from me? And to not be insulted if the answer is "nothing". You can't take control of the situation, only mom can do that. You can absolutely be part of her support system, but she has to do the heavy lifting. It sucks, but with help she can come out on the other side.
Prayers and hugs to you and mom.

First, I would take a deep breath, back up and try to figure out some of the problems both of you are having. Ask her what is bothering her most. If she gives vague answers or tries to change the conversation tell her in a kind (but firm) way that you want to and are willing to help but only if you and I are honest and open now. Make sure she understands that you have a life too.
Try your best not to become “the answer person” or “solver of all things”. Try to make her take on all the things in life we have to do. If she gets to a stumbling point, ask her to write it down and both can figure out happened and you (both) can solve it.
Try to set a foundation like this now or you will have no life at all. If she is able to do daily tasks, make a list and go over it with her. Accomplishment and self esteem work wonders.
I know this because I am 54 years old and I have been taking care of my my parents for 12 years. Dad has passed but mom is still with us. Both had very complicated problems with cancer and I had take that on. There’s no escaping it.
After dad died mom became more dependent on me. It was a slow process but it was killing me. I’m the one who had to go to therapy and see a psychiatrist and take medication.
I wholeheartedly recommend CBT. It made me feel like I wasn’t an oddball and no one understood me.
As far as medication goes, do what your doctor recommends. I take the lowest dose of Prozac and the smallest dose of Xanax. That’s what helps me. Everyone is different and there is no “magic pill”.
Try to start building good foundation now, go by the rules you have both agreed upon and stay strong.

Your mom and dad gave you the gift of life so live it.
In my opinion that’s the best way.

Is there a way to get her engaged in acts of service in the community? Make her go with you if you have to. Depression and self pity are real, but the less time you give someone to dwell there the more likely you can get them focused on something else. I’m not saying the underlying reason or way she is (not) coping will go away, but it might help.

I agree with lealonnie1 and others and your decision for counseling. Boundary setting in a loving as possible way. She’ll resist, but you must stick to your plan, whatever it becomes. Is it even possible, with respect, to let her know you’ll listen for x minutes and then ya’ll need a new topic to discuss? Maybe that counselor can suggest a new dance with new dance steps. Right now, y’all both know the dance and as dysfunctional as it is, it won’t change until you change the steps. Your change forces her to change.

Try reading the Bible. She will find much encouragement, comfort and most of all wisdom in the most sought after book in the world for centuries. Set aside time daily to catch up with our Manufacturer and rely on Him for guidance.

Have you spoken with her psychiatrist regarding your concerns? It sound like the psychiatrist wants to use Ability to enhance the effects of the Celexa. Is she receiving counseling as well? Often people need counseling as well as medication in order to improve. During this pandemic, some counselors are offering telemedicine visits. Please realize that what she is experiencing needs to be fixed by her. You can be available for support but please, please take care of yourself as well. Please don't sacrifice your life and dreams for her. Maybe if her insurance will approve and her psychiatrist agrees, maybe an intensive outpatient setting for treatment would be beneficial. Take care.

I had to divorce my husband due to abuse. Won't go into that BUT....I could have gotten depressed... sat there and feel sorry for myself but I took the time to think this stuff through and realized, of course, that THAT was NOT going to get me anywhere I needed to be. I had two kids to support and they needed me. THAT saying... your mom is supposed to be responsible for how she feels. NOT you. But... I realize you are there, you evidently love her but she has to make decisions of what her life is going to look like. What I did? I "kept moving". I knew that if I sat and felt sorry for myself, nothing was going to get any better. I got busy doing things for my kids, for myself..... and for others..I planned things to get done... I kept going. Your mom has choices to make... and those choices ONLY she can make. Don't think for one second your job is to make those decisions for her. She should get involved with others... doing for them..caring for them, work in soup kitchen, community service of some sort. And does she not work? And if not, why not? One cannot sit around doing nothing and expect to be happy. We are most satisfied.. most happy when we are doing something useful. GOD made us that way. Also.. as someone has stated, she can read the BIBLE. Does she go to church? She needs to have her OWN friends.. her own life. At her age, she is way too young to not do something. My own mother depended on me to be her buddy all the time. Whenever I got in my car.. she ALWAYS had to go with me. And I was only in my early 20's at the time!!! I could not date because she "was my buddy".. and dating meant I was going without her. I moved out of the house. Again, YOUR MOTHER is responsible for her life... not you. She should have gotten over this crying business a long time ago. Does she do this to manipulate you? My mother would do this feel sorry for herself stuff... sit outside and cry... and for a long time I fell for it. She would sit on the porch and cry at my brother's house. Finally my brother had had enough. He told her kindly but firmly that he was married now... he has a wife and a child by marriage...and his responsibility is to his wife. My mom had stated so many times that I was responsible for her and I was to take care of her for the rest of her life. I gave myself permission to cry one time when I divorced my ex... no more than 15 minutes... and then I was done. It is called, TOUGH LOVE, honey. AND... doing that IS loving her. Do not enable her behavior. I and my brothers did for many years. I thought I was being mean by not wanting to "take care of her" as she expected Beware of that. God bless you.

Counselling for yourself is an excellent start. You must realize that you are not responsible for your mother's lack of coping or her emotional state. You need to identify or create a plan that allows you to move forward with your life while making sure mom needs are covered. I always remind myself that I am responsible to make sure folks are safe and healthy - not necessarily happy - as long as they are not competent to take of their own needs.

1 - Has a doctor declared your mother mentally incompetent? If not, then you need to work with her mental health care team on appropriate interventions while allowing your mother maximum control of her own life.

2 - Does your mother have POAs, will, DNR... in place? If not, please have an appointment with a lawyer to have those documents drawn up.

3 - Talk with your fiance' about what kind of life the two of you want to pursue together. Also discuss how much interaction with your mother will be part of your life together. Spouses expect and deserve to be considered the #1 priority person relationship. If you are always running to care for mom, the reality is that she is your #1 priority.

4 - Since mom has very few support people in her life, you will need to develop more of a team to help her. If you are sick or injured, who would care for your mom? Put together a support team of whatever types of caregivers you would need if you were unavailable. Then, start letting them help you care for your mom.

Has your mother always thought more about herself than about ohers? She may be depressed, but she may also be a self-absorbed personality looking for sympathy and attention. Do what you can to keep her safe, but don't be manipulated into catering to her self-pity.

Great idea on counseling for yourself. Definitely ask about learning how to respond to things she says to turn the conversations around.

What kind of work does she do from home? Does it create any interaction with other employees or is it making isolation even worse? Can she walk and get outside if she wants to? If yes, she needs to get out of the house. Can you talk her in to driving to pick up her own meds? Maybe take a walk with her around the block while maintaining distance.

I would definitely encourage adding the medicine that dr wants to add. Just tell her that it cannot hurt and it will make YOU feel better if she tries it. Perhaps the counseling can include her at some point so she can understand how you feel when she is feeling so down.

I'm no pro at this, just some suggestions.

I feel so sorry for your Mom and for you because this is all so confusing. It took years for me to accept that my mother had mental issues and she was up and down emotionally and took anxiety meds. She ended up with dementia but I am sure the dementia was commingled with other issues from medications the doctor was trying for her. She passed in 2018 and as I said, I have had time to reflect and have seen other people like her since then and with hindsight, I wish I had changed her doctor or something. She ended up in a nursing facility later on due to other physical issues but the dementia had really set in. Hang in there and make sure she sees a good psychiatrist for the right meds. Bless.

Maybe bipolar had been mentioned. Had it been diagnosed? Since it is a mood disorder one medication called lithium treats this type of mental condition.

59 years old is still young. She could live for a long time and if she has mental health issues, she may need to be in a supportive care environment. Have you talked to her doctors about her prospects and what they suggest? Remember that she's the mother and you are the daughter. I think the suggestions for you to get counseling so that you can get some advice on how to handle this are good ones. You have to know your own boundaries, and not get so wrapped up in her situation (not unusual with bipolar people). You also have a right to live your own life and have a future with your fiance.

PTSD & Grieving are the two key issues IMHO...& Professional/Retired. Research a Geriatric Counselor , preferably trained in EMDR for PTSD.

Be greatful she is still working from home. That is huge! Pills won't fix grief or loneliness. Q

I can relate to this very well as I have walked in your shoes. First off make sure that you have a living trust with POA's in place. My mom has had OCD and anxiety for much of her life but it was always under control where she could lead a productive life. Two years ago she started saying she was feeling different but couldn't pinpoint what was going on. Her OCD started to progressively get worse to the point where it was interfering with her daily life. We spoke to her Geriatrician who could see that she was in distress. She referred us to a Geriatric Psychiatrist who tried different medications but nothing really helped much. She lost enough weight that her Geriatrician felt she was a threat to herself and she was admitted to UCLA's psychiatric ward in 2018 for two weeks. They altered her medication and urged her to go in to intensive therapy. She was discharged and I believe she worked hard to help herself including going to an OCD specialist and doing CBT. Unfortunately her anxiety got worse, meanwhile we also had a PET scan which showed that she did have the beginning stages of dementia. There is a lot that I'm leaving out, but she ended up in UCLA's psychiatric ward a year later and she was much worse. She was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and was there for 5 weeks. They suggested Electroconvulsive Therapy or ECT. At this point we were desperate and said that we would go for it. I will tell you that ECT saved my mom's life. She would not be here today if she hadn't gone through the treatments. ECT helped the medications work more effectively. She is still going to treatments on an outpatient basis and she has forgotten how sick she really was, but my sisters and I know that this absolutely saved her. She really needs to get a psychiatrist and doctor who are willing to help her. I am grateful that my mom's Geriatrician is affiliated with UCLA. I just can't imagine where we would be otherwise.

In my honest opinion, you need a counselor for YOURSELF to be able to help your quite young mother. Prayers sent to you.

I understand your plight and guilt and the need to “fix” this for your Mom.
The things you have been doing for her are very impressive and caring,
Your Mom would benefit from some kind of socialization if she could get to the point of desiring it. Church, gym membership (after Covid obviously!) seeing a counselor usually is recommended in addition to being under the care of prescription anxiety depression meds. Does she have health coverage? Would she consider going on a short walk each day, or getting another pet? It’s best if she can make a life for herself where she lives on her own and enjoys your company and visits without depending on you. You need this too. You have a life and relationship you must take good care of.
I do want to say that you can support her but this isn’t something you can fix by working at it harder.
You cannot take responsibility for this. It’s not physically possible.

I agree with lealonnie, she summed it up perfectly!!

My husband suffers from depression. There's no fix, at least for him. There is only "dealing." One thing that you didn't mention is getting out for a bit of exercise. What about taking your mom for a walk around the block, or a nice easy bike ride around your neighborhood? It really helps my husband to get out and be physical.

I am sorry for all the suffering you are undergoing.
But the truth is, you will never, ever, be able to control your Mother's situation.
The counseling is a very good idea. Try reading books on how to live with someone's mental health problems.
Psychiatriats who have trained for years, with years of clinical experience, can't help your Mother, and you will never be able to.
You are young, starting out on your own path, but you will never be able to save your Mother. This is harsh, but true. You need to understand this, so that you can look for help for your Mother from appropriate sources, and not waste years trying to save her from herself.

Hi Sasha
I got two suggestions
Go to the GP/ Specialist with her at her next appointment.... her medical and medication needs are quite complex.....you both need professional help with her issues...
Get her a kitten.....
Good luck

My gal is home for covid... So she is teaching me a new game with ping pong balls.

It's kinda fun.. Water Pong... NO, we use water... nothing stronger.. water doesn't leave too many marks... Put a towel in the middle with the cat... Cat was amused for a bit... Think he really liked it, but he was on my "side"... They don't get along too well sometimes. Unfortunately for me, he was removed from the game..I guess the towel was too due to the fact the ball is still in play if it bounces on the table and grab it quickly enough, you have another chance.
If you can't go bowling or golfing or tennis or paddle tennis (ping-pong), then try water pong... or go outside and see who can throw the ping pong balls the farthest, and see who can retrieve the most the quickest... Yup, I missed Easter.. we used to do that with raw eggs... the egg toss. who can dodge the most... This Easter was just not on the mark,, except for my kid's cooking... she is a wonderful cook.. just not a busboy..That's my job.. and I'm not good at that either.. but I will give it a shot.

Water pong, kinda set up like billiards.. sort of in a way...

first row at corner end of table... 4 red cups.. then 3, then 2 then 1.. like a pyramid.

same on opposite side of table. 2 people on a team, or 1... you get 2 poingpong balls and toss them in the cups.. If you get them in... kinda like chess. you remove the :"pieces"..(cups).. I'm learning so you can look up the rules,,, they seemed to change everytime we played.. to her favor... (kidding - I hope) I will find out tomorrow afternoon.