I have been taking care of my mother who lives 12 hrs away for the past 3 months, my husband visited at Christmas. I was planning on returning home for a visit and attend medical appointment with husband who may need some non life threatening surgery. Just before I was ready to leave my sister and alternate caretaker for my mother was diagnosed with cancer. I couldn't go home I need to take Mom for chemo and testing. My sister's journey is just beginning, pet scan,spinal tap, possible second biopsy all being scheduled. I told husband I would come home for his surgery should he need it. He's never had actual surgery before, I have had several. I told him I would stay at least 2wks after surgery longer if needed. I also said that after he could drive and take care of himself and my family was in crisis I would have to go back. He is hurt angry and upset. I reminded him we just said the other day we wouldn't let this ruin us. Now he says he doesn't know. He's stressed being home alone and dealing with all our household stuff and dogs. I'm heartbroken and terrifed over it all. I could lose all 3. Any advise?
That said your priority is your husband, your family.
3 months away from your husband is a LONG time and I think other arrangements for your mom need to be made.
Assisted Living or Memory Care if that is appropriate.
Your sister needs to think about her health and she must also have a family she should not be splitting her time caring for mom just as you shouldn't
I understand why your husband is hurt and upset.
How old is Mom? How old ru? I ask because how this is handled will depend on Moms age.
If she is in her 80s, u may need to make decisions. Can she be alone? Can she hire aides to get her to appts. To be there with her? Does she fit the criteria for Medicaid in home care? Can u set up chemo in your area and have her stay with you?
If Mom is under 70? Was she in good health before? Can she do her ADLs? Can friends help with transportation. Use the senior bus. Ask her oncologist if there is transportation offered. You will need to set something up to go home when DH has surgery. If it works out with Mom, maybe u won't have to go to her as much.
I hope ur not planning on caring for your sister. This is her's and her families responsibility to figure out. You husband is ur priority. When Mom is capable of standing on her own feet, ur job is done. If because of her age she needs more care, maybe she will need to go to AL or a nursing home. You can't care from 12 hrs away.
Between 70 and 80 all depends on how independent Mom is.
I believe you have several different issues here as it appears to me you have made several decisions that seemed reasonable at the time, but combining circumstances have painted you into a corner.
Probably your first mistake was staying so long at your mother's. I understand 12 hours of travel is unpleasant and often expensive, but you have a home and after 6-8 weeks you should have probably starting planning how to be there more. Maybe you should have started looking for other care options (in home care and housekeeping or for a temporary stay at an AL). I assume you were sharing Mom's care with your sister, so when she became ill, it was a double whammy.
Your situation with your husband is a fine example of not meeting expectations. After planning a return and your husband looking forward to it, you canceled out on him at the last minute. He was hurt and not in a good frame of mind to really discuss the ongoing situation. He probably caught you off guard too and not ready to discuss plans for going forward.
So here's my suggestions.
First, starting making plans for Mom's care. If resources allow, consider a temporary stay in an AL. I knew a couple with a country home who stayed in an AL for 6 months following the wife's heart surgery so she would be closer to medical resources. If Mom's health is good enough, consider hiring in home care givers; 2-4 hours a day to help with bathing, dressing, meal prep, housekeeping, etc can be enough. Some hours may be paid for by Medicare if your mother's doctor will prescribe them so start with the doctor's office (when my sister had cancer the office nurse was very helpful).
Second, find someone to fill the "case manager" role for your mother. Someone who can track the appointments, maybe take your mother to the appointments, and be you eyes on the ground when you are at your home 12 hours away. This person could be pro or it could be a cousin or it could be a trusted family friend. A minister might be a second set of eyes who could be relied upon to visit your mother 1-2 times a week and let you know who she is.
Third, go home and have a face to face talk with your husband. Tell him how you went to take care of your mother and then other things started happening too fast for you to really consider the longer term. You made snap decisions while still somewhat shocked by the sudden changes. You see him as stronger and better able to cope than your sister or mother so you made their care the immediate priorities; that doesn't mean he isn't your real priority. Tell him how difficult it was to call him and tell him you weren't coming home; a trip you had been looking forward to yourself. Apologize for hurting him or making him feel he was a lesser priority, explain that was never your intention.
Going forward, I believe you should plan on spending no more than half your time away from home, less if possible. Since it is such a long trip you will most likely need to stay 2-4 weeks when you visit, just make sure your home stay is longer. If the situation allows, get your husband to accompany you on visits to your mother.
Three months is a long time to be away from your home for caregiving. Your H is telling you that he needs you.
Like others have posted, why can't your mother go into a facility?
Is it just you and your sister? No other siblings?
My short answer is go home.
The simple fact is: you are one person & one person cannot be in 2 places at once.
If your Mother needs your help, the straight forward answer is she comes to where you are *in your home*.
This is the 1st step. A temporary solution while you get breathing space.
Be warned, this will probably still cause tention in your marriage though.
2nd step would be to find appropriate level of residential care near your home. You will still be assisting her but can also go home to sleep in your own house - & keep your marriage.
you are sacrificing your marriage. Unless that is your plan, talk with social workers and find a nursing home placement for your Mom. Now.
wouldnt you be hurt, angry, and upset if you needed your husband and your husband put his Mom ahead of you?