I have been taking care of my mother who lives 12 hrs away for the past 3 months, my husband visited at Christmas. I was planning on returning home for a visit and attend medical appointment with husband who may need some non life threatening surgery. Just before I was ready to leave my sister and alternate caretaker for my mother was diagnosed with cancer. I couldn't go home I need to take Mom for chemo and testing. My sister's journey is just beginning, pet scan,spinal tap, possible second biopsy all being scheduled. I told husband I would come home for his surgery should he need it. He's never had actual surgery before, I have had several. I told him I would stay at least 2wks after surgery longer if needed. I also said that after he could drive and take care of himself and my family was in crisis I would have to go back. He is hurt angry and upset. I reminded him we just said the other day we wouldn't let this ruin us. Now he says he doesn't know. He's stressed being home alone and dealing with all our household stuff and dogs. I'm heartbroken and terrifed over it all. I could lose all 3. Any advise?

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I’m so sorry. This is a terrible predicament. I am afraid you might not like what I have to say here.....seems you have given up everything to take care of your mother and now that your husband needs you, you are still putting your mom first. Why can’t your mom go to assisted living or a nursing home? You sister obviously has to put herself first as she battles cancer. It is not fair for you to give up your life and sacrifice your marriage to take care of your mother. You have only been taking care of her for a few months. Believe me when I say, it is going to take a toll on you, a bad toll. You cannot do it alone. Is there any way you can move mom to your city and find her a nice assisted living or nursing home?
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XenaJada Feb 2020
I've known several people who have lost their marriages over taking care of parents. This website is full of stories on this very topic.
To reintegrate what worried said....

you are sacrificing your marriage. Unless that is your plan, talk with social workers and find a nursing home placement for your Mom. Now.

wouldnt you be hurt, angry, and upset if you needed your husband and your husband put his Mom ahead of you?
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The "terrified" in your name makes sense. It's coming at you from all sides now, isn't it?

Three months is a long time to be away from your home for caregiving. Your H is telling you that he needs you.

Like others have posted, why can't your mother go into a facility?

Is it just you and your sister? No other siblings?
Helpful Answer (9)

You cannot be the rescuer for everyone. Your priority is your own marriage and family. I would be hurt too.
Helpful Answer (8)

I feel for you - feeling the weight of the world on you at present.

My short answer is go home.

The simple fact is: you are one person & one person cannot be in 2 places at once.

If your Mother needs your help, the straight forward answer is she comes to where you are *in your home*.

This is the 1st step. A temporary solution while you get breathing space.

Be warned, this will probably still cause tention in your marriage though.

2nd step would be to find appropriate level of residential care near your home. You will still be assisting her but can also go home to sleep in your own house - & keep your marriage.
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I don't know your mother's condition, nor her prognosis, but I went through cancer, cancer treatment and etc without needing someone to come care for me. If your Mom needs full time care, this could go on for some time, am I correct. Your duty of care is to your own family, and then to be there to help and visit when you are able, I think. I guess I would need more details. Clearly your family ALL are dealing with problems now, and quite honestly you cannot be there for everyone; just can't be done. What is to happen if you ALSO fall ill. None of this is your choice. This is life happening. Everyone will have to do the best they can with it. Make your decisions the best you can, and if others are unhappy with that, then say you are sorry, but you aren't a Saint and don't have all the answers for them.
Helpful Answer (6)

Put Mom in a facility. Your spouse is priority.
Helpful Answer (5)

I feel for you. That said your first priority is your husband. Do you want a life without husband? Something has to give. It's not fair to you or your husband. Read what you wrote and see it in our eyes. hugs for you! :)
Helpful Answer (5)

Well as a woman with a husband.. and several friends who have husbands ( joking sort of but most of us on here do.. ) what is "non life threatening surgery" to you is probably the "end of the world" to him.. And he has "never had surgery" before.. so he is probably panicing! We have all seen the memes about husbands with colds! I know my hubs would want me home, and in reality I would want to be there. When I broke my ankle I was glad he was around,, and I sure was not going to die from that.. I was all set up. I hate to say your hubs comes first..but I guess I think he does.. and most people don't get married for it to be "part time". Can you get mom outside help as others have asked?
Helpful Answer (5)

You do not give details about your mom.
That said your priority is your husband, your family.
3 months away from your husband is a LONG time and I think other arrangements for your mom need to be made.
Assisted Living or Memory Care if that is appropriate.
Your sister needs to think about her health and she must also have a family she should not be splitting her time caring for mom just as you shouldn't
I understand why your husband is hurt and upset.
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