I have 4 older siblings (all retired) and then there is me, the baby sister at 54. I had been caring for my mom every other week and alternating with my sister. We did that for almost 2 years. However, I was driving an hour each way and had to let go of my job.
Fast forward, I got offered a job that I have wanted for 2 years. I accepted the offer. That week I was caring for my mom. I immediately sent a group text to my siblings to let them know and see who would be coming to take my place within 8 days. I heard from no one.
16 hours before I would go to my dream job, still no one had stepped up to relieve me. I talked to my mom, who agreed to pay me close to what I would have made at the new job. Nobody stepped up, and I withdrew my application.
I had nothing but a verbal agreement with my 89 year old mom. Boy, that was a mistake. After the 1st week, my pay dropped. After 3 months, it dropped again, and 2 weeks ago it dropped even more.
So I guess I’m asking, why am I still doing this? I love my mom and want to help but my family and mother are so controlling. $125 for 24 hours under the table is equivalent to how much an hour? Under $6 per hours if my math is correct. Does anyone think this is crazy, or is it me?
So without meaning to be mean, just a bit of tough love, yes, although you did it with good intentions, it was crazy to let go of your dream job and it is crazy now for you to remove yourself from the professional workforce with its salary, benefits, retirement, social security, etc. to be paid $6.00 an hour under the table. So don't do it.
If I were you, I'd get out fast. This is a bad situation for you, and you don't have to be under mama's thumb or dictated to by your siblings. You're 54 years old, for pete's sake! An adult! Go, and let them figure out who is going to take care of your mother. She should go to Assisted Living, where she can live it up at social functions, enjoy the entertainment, and be free of all of you. If I were your mom, I'd rather do that than be beholden to my children or put them out in any way.
Yes, there's quite a lot of "craziness" going on here because what you are doing could well prevent you mom from getting into care when she needs to unless she can support herself in ALF or MC for fully five years "lookback" by Medicaid.
This is one of the worst things you can do as an elder. Look up "gifting and Medicaid rules".
A care contract with an attorney would protect you both. You would be paid and she would be protected by paying for care, and not being accused of gifting.
There is a saying "Ignorance is no excuse before the law". Meaning there are rules and if you break them because you are uninformed there will be no relief of it in judgement, and the price paid will be steep.
It is NOT on you when you accept your DREAM JOB whether or not anyone else picks up the slack. It is on THEM.
Because, guess what, you just gave notice and resigned.
As to Mom, she then either replaces you, and pays to do so
OR
she gets another family member who is as uninformed and malleable as you were
OR
she goes into care where she will be cared for.
You have written us well after the horse left the barn.
What can we say now? Sorry about the lost dream job? Sorry you are stuck with mom? Sorry she isn't paying? Sorry you didn't choose the dream job? Sorry mom is going to be in trouble for gifting and never able to access Medicaid when she needs it?
Because I am. I am very, very sorry about all of it.
So only you can make the necessary changes now to improve things, and I would start with getting your resume back out there.
And if and when you get a job offer, you accept it and you give your notice to your family and if no one steps up, who cares, you move on with your life.
If your mom needs that much care then she'll have to be placed in the appropriate facility.
I'm going to type all caps: FAMILY IS SELFISH! PERIOD!
Where you made your mistake was to tell your family so that they could sabotage your moving forward. Each time you turn down a job to move forward, you are turning down an opportunity to pay into your own social security, Medicare and future savings for your own retirement.
Get your resume out there. Pick up a part time job at a grocery store, bank teller or anything while looking for another dream job opportunity. In other words, start detaching from this nonsense. It is not your responsibility to take care of your mother.
Let your mother pay out of pocket for a home care aide. Stop believing lies. Too many caregivers have ended up homeless listening to so-called family members.
As we say in AlAnon, your best thinking got you here; meaning, where you are now in your current situation. You used a warped thinking process to land where you are. It is not up to anyone else to get you out of this mess. It starts with you. It's called self responsibility.
Get counseling to figure out what is driving your behavior to self-sabotage yourself into staying in a no win situation.
I imagine you feel stuck now. But you are not stuck. This was an excellent life lesson at an age you can still work and have your own home.
When I paid a friend to care for my husband for a day while I went to a niece's wedding 4 hours away, I paid 15 dollars an hour for a 16 hour day. Going thru an agency would cost 25 dollars an hour private pay.
You need to have a decisive talk with your Mom and your siblings. While they are retired, you still need to work to earn a descent retirement and descent social security. Social security needs you to earn and pay into it 10 years in order to get any benefits when you get to retirement age. Don't get paid under the table. Get a care contract if you decide to continue providing care. Pay taxes.
Only you can decide what your finances need to be.
Are you able to work part time when not caring for Mom on alternating weeks?
Another consideration is what compensation will you receive when your Mom dies? Most likely you will be splitting things equally with siblings who did not care for her at all.
Yes, I think the situation is crazy. Maybe it's time for Mom to pay for an agency to provide caregiving instead of you doing it.
How are you going to fund your golden years? Struggling in your 70’s-90s doesn’t sound like fun to me.
I'm glad you were able to vent. I'm sure so many people can relate!
Of course it was a mistake to let the dream job go!
And, it is not up to you to find your replacement caring for your mom.
It is up to your mother to make the decisions she needs to manage her own life!
Your siblings may or may not step up. That is not your concern.
Stop acquiescing to your mother, your family, your guilt, and go get another job!
Hopefully your dream job! Let your mother figure out what to do when you are no longer available to her!
i personally do not think you shd have given up the job
Care should have been arranged for your ‘shifts’
you have made sacrifices and this was your life. Your mother and father didn’t give up their lives for their parents
I’m sure
youve done what you can but you want to pursue your own dreams now while you still can
look Into what care options are available
If your siblings feel up to their eyes as well then the tone has gone for mother to be in care and you all visit as much as you can
as for others opinions
everyone always has one!
You can no longer cope and this was your dream - you want to pursue
don’t feel bad about siblings not offering more- they prob feel the same way you do and want a break/release so will naturally feel offended even that you are allowed to jump out and they not
the solution is everyone has made sacrifices and hard conversations now about everyone rejoining their lives
it doesn’t mean you care less
find out what care options are available then call a family meeting to discuss
you can no longer cope you want a life as well and mother deserves proper care. It prob isn’t fair to ask anyone to take your responsibility ( your slot) so the conversations are for everyone’s benefits- we need to discuss next phase and that means assisted help
She does have a wonderful daughter that will take over if needed.
Daughter lives 3 hours away, so I’m thinking of moving, which is ok.
You were trying to do the right thing and help/care for someone you love that helped/cared for you. I feel your siblings should have at least had the decency to call you and talk about the issue. Even if the could not or did not want to care for her. They could have helped you work on a solution. So many people these days are ALL ABOUT THEMSELVES, and the hell with anyone else. I believe you have a good heart and did what you felt was right. Now you are seeing that your mom may have changed in her personality (or maybe not), and you can also see that all of your siblings have left you and your mom with no offers of any type of help. I would agree with other people here, that you also have to care for yourself, as you can see, it is not even like your own family will care enough about you. I can see you live your family, and that is a wonderful, loyal, loving quality. I would now shift into finding a new solution for your mother’s care, so you can give some care to yourself. Your siblings do not have to do anything, but that does not excuse that they should have shown love and care towards your mom and you. That is what family is all about. At least it should be in my opinion. In life some people are like elephants, kind, loyal, smart, and living. Others are like sharks and could care less about family. Best of luck to you, and I am sorry you were let down. Your mom probably cut the pay because she knows it will run out. I hope she is able to appreciate all you have done for her.
Try to get back your real dream job. If you decide to work for yourself, do so legally. Remember, job-hopping is never a good situation. What will you say to employers to apply for new work, and how do you know employers will trust your reliability? Your siblings also need their own jobs to fund their own retirements.
I was out of work for a bit and my father thought that meant I had more time to drive him around. What I didn't have was money to fill my gas tank and I told him as much. He was offended! How could expect him to pay for my gas. I informed him I wasn't expecting him to pay for my gas, I was telling him I couldn't do this because I couldn't afford the gas.
Even I got mad reading it when you said you gave up a job you really wanted for this. Pay aside, this is a job you wanted.
I have not read all comments yet, but can your mom pay for outside help?
In response to your question: Are you crazy? Yes, in a way, not for thinking the pay is low but for doing it anyway
I was a relationship seminar once. The counselor who led the seminar said he always gets gripes from say a woman (or a man) asking why the significant other is doing such crazy things, why are they behaving this way.
The counselor said the right question is not why are the other people this way, the question is why are you staying with someone who acts that crazy
And it sort of applies here
Note: If your dream job employer contacted you there’s a reason for it. There may not be that many other qualified candidates which means the position may still be available. It’s worth a shot. Don’t let go of your dreams. Take it from someone who has walked in your shoes. We have our own lives to live as well. Wishing you all the best 🫶🏻
If, again, no takers, again remind her of the agreement, tell her you love her and present her with a contract for her to sign with a direct debit form from her bank.
The contract should have a notary stamp after/when she signs it as you will likely need it to defend yourself to your siblings when your mother passes.
good luck
I talked to mom about getting in home care, but she refuses to pay for it. She doesn't qualify for state help or financial assistance with care. When my daughter was so sick and i had to leave to go help her with my granddaughter.. I was told "But I need you here!!"
I dont have many friends that would help, a church family, and no family that I can count on.
I cant even go away for a day with out getting a call that she's not feeling well.
I get the "well this is what you signed up for when you moved in." comment.
I am burning out, frustrated, and unhappy.
I don't know what to do.
If its an option.. get someone to help you. Call in assistance. I wish I could.
I hope things work out soon.
Praying for you.