Let me start by saying; It was my choice to move in. His mother & aunt had been going down south for the cold months. He lived at my home for the months they were gone. It was fantastic!
We were planning to get her set up out of state with caregivers and move into his home and rent mine. He was down south setting it up, I moved into his home and lived by myself for months. Then she had a fall, went to rehab and dementia set in very quickly. So now, she is here, along with her sister. It’s been one year and our relationship is declining rapidly.
I live in his home, with nothing of my own but my clothes. There is no space for anything of mine. He will not make a place for me because he doesn’t want to fight with his mom about getting rid of her things.
He is mad all the time. Between guilt, hate for having to take care of his mom and aunt, obligations, and feeling stuck, he is never present. TV, and video games are his escape. We have no privacy and our intimacy has almost disappeared.
I love him and was planning on spending the rest of my life with him. Now, not so sure. To be honest, I’m not willing to give up the years of vitality I have left to care for his family. I cook, clean, laundry, drive to appts and also am staring a new career. His family has longevity close to 100. I could be 65 before this ends. I’m currently 50.
Do I walk away? Am I making a mistake? I’m so tried, I have not slept well in a year. I look 10 years older, have mystery pains, I never had before. I’m sure due to stress. I’m exhausted!
He told me that he would understand if I left. Which upsets me, because I want to figure out a way to make this work. Multi family home, assisted living, something, anything, but he says he has no idea to how to do it. So he shuts it all out and does nothing.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thank you.
He was willing to do it down south, why not up north?
Unfortunately or maybe fortunately, he sounds like a mommas boy and I think that you have dodged a bullet by finding out now that he can't deal with stress or stand up for you. Imagine how you would feel if you received a devastating diagnosis and he checked out with anger and video games? Move on and find a real man to live your life with.
So many times in life we say I wish I knew then what I know now, I would have done it differently. You know now. As painful as it may be, this man is not an equal partner. If I were one to give advice, I would say to move back into your own house if its available. I would give no explanation, just leave. I would think you would feel a great relief.( Unless you are going to keep worrying and feeling guilt about his situation, do not allow yourself to think that way.) He says he will understand if you leave, so go.You could say you need a break. Life is short, be selfish, you have done enough for someone who could solve all of his problems with a few phone calls. Go live and enjoy yourself.
And honestly I do wish you, your mom and husband blessings and understanding of each other forever 💚
Nothing is ever black or white, but I do think you should move out for your health, both mental and physical. Perhaps, your boyfriend can seek outside advice, a senior counselor or A place for Mom to help him decide what he can do.
Then, if you choose, you can assist occasionally. Sounds like he needs to hire outside help.
Best wishes.
You should sit down and have a serious conversation with him. I think you owe it to the person you were willing to spend the rest of your life with to talk through all of the options before making the decision to walking away. I think many peoples first response is to take their family member in and that is not always the best choice. Does his mom really want her son to spend the rest of his life taking care of her and her sister? Especially when he has found a new relationship. Maybe his mom and aunt can share an assisted living apartment... Just talk it over with him.
Let’s see how understanding he will be when his help is gone .... because that’s what you are right now. The longer you stay, the more crippled he will become as it relates to standing up and making those tough decisions.
Give him some good advice, let him know that you love him and get-ta-steppin!!! 🚶🏽♀️👋🏽
These are not your family members, but your health has already been affected by them. And your boyfriend has made his position clear—he won’t make space for you, he won’t make time for you and chooses TV and video games instead, and he would understand if you left. It sounds like the relationship is already over.
I know you planned to spend the rest of your life with this man, and I am sorry that it didn’t go as planned. but now you’re seeing a preview of what that life would be like. It is lucky that you saw it early on.
Let him know that you love him and want a loving relationship with him again but it isn't going to happen with being a Caregiver.
Let him know that they both need to go live in a home and he can go visit.
If he's not willing to do this, let him know you're leaving and Leave!
Maybe it will take you leaving before he sees and feels the real effect if it as he won't have you there helping which will leave the responsibility back on his shoulder.
I imagine within 6 months, he'll have them both in a home.
Prayers
He says he can understand why you would leave. So he clearly has made his choice. Be grateful that this happened before you got too far into it. These ladies were eventually going to have a crisis; it is always only a matter of time.
So get working on this and find another situation for yourself. Sorry that what looked like a great chance at happiness but if this is how he handles a crisis, best you leave now.
he is showing you that he doesn’t value you and y’all’s relationship with his inaction.
You did not choose or agree to live with and become the caregiver to his elderly mother and aunt.
Mom is also jealous and resentful of you being there. Even though you're pretty much a servant in the house, she resents you because she's competing with you for her son's affection. That's why she refuses to allow any space for your things. She will throw a tantrum and make her son's life miserable if he supports you in any way because she wants you out.
There's an old Italian saying. "Better a viper in your bed then two women at your table". It has to be you or mother.
Give your partner the ultimatum that either they go or you do. Really there is no other way.
You say you'll be 50 soon. You're not a kid yourself anymore. Don't sacrifice the remainder of your youth to the drudgery and misery of being a caregiver to people who clearly have no love or even respect for you. They probably never did.
If your partner chooses his mother and aunt over you, then so be it. Tell him they can keep his bed warm at night because you're out. Good luck to you and I hope your partner makes the right choice.
“She resents you because she's competing with you for her son's affection.”
“She will throw a tantrum and make her son's life miserable if he supports you in any way because she wants you out.”
—
so true.
and actually quite similar to how some mothers treat their daughters.
woman (mother) against woman (daughter)
I married the first time at 24 for all the wrong reasons. My ex had not had a good childhood. Mom died, foster home, Dad remarried, didn't get along with Stepmother, ect. So I thought I could give him what he needed. If I had made a list of pros and cons, I would never have married him. It was even one sided before we married. 4 years in we had a daughter. Things went downhill from there. He came home one day and said he didn't want to be married anymore. He took our daughter on Friday afternoons and made sure she was back by dinner. Gave up his parental rights so my now DH could adopt my daughter. Then he just walked out of her life. He was found dead at 69 yrs old sitting in his recliner in front of his TV with beer cans surrounding him. Yes he had married again but again after 5 years he divorced her. So, he died alone.
He like your BF never learned how to have relationships with people. He had turned away 2 wives. Didn't keep in touch with the half siblings he had. Had no long lasting friendships. He did me the biggest favor he could, let me go. I have been married 40 yrs, 2 daughters and 2 grandsons. All within 5 min away. He had told a fellow worker when he retired he was just going to sit in his chair, in front of the TV and drink beer. Thats how he wanted to live the rest of his life.
I think you know what you will be doing. You have been told you don't need to stay. Then don't. Go back to your house. This man is doing you a favor, their is someone out there that will love you above all others.
I am so sorry that you are in this situation.
You deserve better. Best wishes to you.
One more thing to think about: I don't think your boyfriend's issue is that he's overwhelmed - however true that is - I think his issue is maturity, or specifically the lack thereof.
Unless you have lived an extremely charmed life, there are very few adults who haven't been overwhelmed at one time or another. A mature person deals with it - a mature person doesn't remove him/herself from the situation (like zoning out watching TV or playing video games) while everyone around him/her deals with the situation that is making that person feel overwhelmed. That's something that a child does.
A mature person who is in a committed relationship has enough sense to say to their significant other "I am feeling so overwhelmed by this - what can I do to solve this problem?" A child says "I am feeling overwhelmed - fix it for me."
A mature person invites assistance - not gives the entire problem over to another because he "can't deal". A child does that.
Do you want to be in a relationship with an adult, or act as a mother figure to a man-child? I think that's why he's so reluctant to leave his mom - she treats him like a child, so he can continue to act like a child. His anger with you is that you're not willing to take up that role anymore, and who can blame you? I'm sure that's not what you signed on for when you took up with this person.
If your plan is to cut your losses, do it before you waste anymore of your precious time. If not, be prepared to spend more time in your relationship being a mom, and less time being a partner.
Oh, please!
Put it to him that he ought to put his mother first, and work with you on a plan to meet her needs which are bound to increase. Research options, share them with him, set him deadlines, help him with the difficult conversations. And what's the aunt's role in all this? Help or hindrance?
I do agree with you, ambition and problem solving are a needed trait to maneuver through this life.
I believe he shuts down because he is overwhelmed. He is an only child, lived with his mom until he was 30, moved out on his own and now back with her at 50. She has been the one constant women in his life. His ex wife and ex girlfriend told him that he was not present during their relationships either, so he knows. I guess, I was hoping things would change.
I don’t feel stuck, but was really, really hoping he would put me first. My mistake completely for waiting. I hate having to start over. My mother says “you need to take care of your treasures,” he doesn’t see me as such. She said, I am the treasure and should not devalue who I am.
Thank you for the emotional investment you have given me. Much appreciated.
So leave. Please.
He may be in over his head? Have no clue what to do. How to please all these women at once. But tuning out watching TV is not going to fix anything.
When you walk away, he will see if he can find the way back to his own life. You will see he can find his way back to you.
You will find the strength for your journey I'm sure.
Yes, he is in over his head. Any suggestions for change get shot down. His guilt keeps him from doing anything and having a better life for him and/or me.
He is worried people will say he is a bad person if he moves his mom somewhere. Not to mention, she would have a better life too. She sits in her room alone for 23 hours a day. Having a team of caregivers to attend to her, would make a great change. I’ve tried to explain to him, but goes on deaf ears.
So he would rather be alone, without a solid partner by his side. Sad but true.
(In a past life, I researched these things)
1) Take a photo of him as he is playing videos, or not showered watching T.V. for days, unshaven, warts and all.
You won't need to keep it very long, or even refer to it much at all. I lost my photo of ex, but remember it well. He was leaning over the master bedroom mirror, brushing his teeth at the sink, and his hand was inside, down the back of his underwear.
2) Dr. Laura always used to advise a ring on your finger (before marriage, or moving in together). Now, look down at your left hand, ring finger......his intentions will become clearer.
I am glad he is understanding of your need to leave. Now leave as soon as possible.
Your boyfriend has made his choice. In my humble opinion it is WELL PAST time for you to make your own choice. Take full responsibility; tell him he is a fine man and this isn't his fault, but that you had no idea really and that you now understand your own limitations, and that one of them is that you cannot live with and care for elders.