I made the decision to move in with my partner. Now it’s his aunt and mother with dementia, too. Mistake...Now what?

I think you've already made up your mind when you say, "I’m not willing to give up the years of vitality I have left to care for his family." I'd be making the same statement if I were in your shoes, frankly. Because your b/f has chosen his mom & aunt OVER you by refusing to take your needs into consideration, by not making room for your things, by escaping into TV and video games rather than address the elephant in the room, and finally, by telling you he 'understands if you leave.' To me, that says it all right there. He's not willing to make any changes for the sake of the RELATIONSHIP; it's all for the aunt and the mother, when other options ARE available ie: Assisted Living, in home caregivers, etc. Yet he's perfectly willing to watch you break your back and age yourself taking care of HIS family members! To me, that's a deal breaker b/c it's NOT what you signed up for!

I know it's hard to have to choose between the man you love and your future happiness, but your future is the most important thing! Longevity runs in my family too...........my mother is 94 and going strong, one uncle is 100 and going strong........you just don't know how long these women can live. My mother lives in Memory Care because I made a decision long ago that no elders would be living with me, PERIOD. I thank God on a daily basis that I made that decision, too, b/c my mother needs a TON of care with dementia & being wheelchair bound & incontinent for the past several years. It would have been a huge burden on me and on my DH of 11 years had I made the choice to move her in with me!

Perhaps you can have one last talk with your b/f about this matter to make sure he won't budge and is willing to lose you over his refusal to do nothing about this. Then you'll know you tried everything in your power to salvage the relationship before calling it quits.

GOOD LUCK!

Do you walk away?   Yes.     There have been a number of threads by women I similar situations, which require them to make difficult decisions, especially when the man in the picture isn't supportive.  You might want to read these other threads:

https://www.agingcare.com/search?term=women+domainated+by+men+to+care+for+parent

There are a number of situations which are similar, and "parent" can be substituted for any other person for whom a man is attempting to co-opt a woman into help.

I think his observation that you could leave and he would understand is telling and insightful.  You want to make it work; apparently he doesn't.    Does that reveal anything t you about his attitude?

It could be that he's overwhelmed; so are many of us; it's not unusual.   The drawback is if he's not learning or doesn't want to learn how to cope.    That's a good indication that not only his caregiving efforts but also your relationship is not on a positive track.

I've read so many of these kinds of threads that I begin to wonder if sometimes the men involved know how to provoke, manipulate and control a caregiving attitude from the woman, and then capitalize on it.   That's obviously not a good basis for a relationship.

Sorry to be blunt, but it's time to stop co-opting your life for his.   And, you DON'T have to care for HIS family!

He does nothing because you're doing everything. YOU are his solution, no matter what he says with his mouth. If I were in your shoes I'd plan to move out and don't let him convince you otherwise. It doesn't mean you're breaking up with him. But you really do need to have a boundary or you'll be swallowed up by a problem not of your own making.

If no one has the money to finance their care, and no one has Power of Attorney to manage their care and affairs then he starts to solve his problem by calling social services for the county where his impaired relatives are living and talking to a social worker about having them assessed for in-home services. If they qualify, it is only a partial and short-term solution. Eventually the county can acquire guardianship of them and relocate them into a facility and manage all their affairs. Everyone else moves on with their lives.

Please understand that if you aren't getting paid for the care and are sacrificing a job/career in order to care for these people then you are robbing yourself of your own security in the future. No one is putting away your wages for your social security benefit, to start with.

Your BF doesn't seem to be a good/honest communicator and doesn't seem to know how to solve problems other than to make them someone else's. He seems very passive, as he just lets stuff happen and then doesn't deal with it. What would he do if YOU ever needed real help from him? Probably not much, is the answer. I think you should have higher standards for a partner than that, because you're worth it. Wishing you much wisdom and clarity as you make a decision.

Thankfully, it sounds like you have not rented out your house. If that's so, do yourself a favor and move out of his house and back into yours. At the very, very least, both of you need time and space to sort things out for yourselves. He needs to sort out his life with his mother and aunt. You need a space that is your own, with your stuff in it, and where you feel comfortable. At your age, you deserve that much. This man doesn't value you enough to even clear out space in his house for you. Can you see the big red flag waving overhead?

You have a new career to develop. If you don't give yourself the opportunity to make the most of it, you will regret it.

Open yourself up to new possibilities and friendships. The pandemic has made many people evaluate the future and what they want. As long as you are clear about what you want - and don't want - a new relationship can blossom. Spring is here and summer isn't far off so get out there and start living the "years of vitality" ahead of you.

I also hope you treat yourself to a retreat or some serious pampering.

Of course you walk away and you go on living your life. Once his life is unencumbered with his mother and aunt you two may reconnect, but until then you LIVE your life. You don't wait in the wings in case he calls, you LIVE. Do the things you'd like to do, become the best person you can be, and if someone else comes into your life, so be it.

It really isn't fair for either one of you to cling to a relationship that has no lasting ties and isn't the priority for both of you. He's not a bad guy -- what is, is. Things change, and sometimes it works out, and sometimes it doesn't. This relationship isn't working, and spending time (years?) trying to fit a square peg in a round hole is still time wasted.

Sad to say, I think you answered your own questions right in the way you described the situation. “He will not make a place for me...” is one of the most heartbreaking things you said.

You are not old, however, you are way too old for this to be going on, stealing your joy.
Move out. Go back to your home if possible.

If your partner is 'doing nothing' now, after marriage it will be more of the same. He has made no place for you, but has obligated you to care for his relatives?

I think that I understand you questioning yourself. With very little sleep, that just adds to the many ways a person can be gaslighted or controlled by their partner. Look up "Gaslighting". If what is happening to you is similar, make your break from this relationship clean and fast.

What will you miss about him? "He is never present, watches T.V. and Video games, he is mad all the time, intimacy and privacy are lacking.....
Were you thinking of changing him at his age?

You’re a wise person who knows both what she wants and her limits. The way you write it out shows you know it’s not going to work. I hope you’ll get out of this mess soon and go on to build a happy life for yourself

Yes, walk away as soon as you can. Should be easier given nothing but your clothes are yours. He will then decide on placement of his elders and a relationship with you, or not. I hope you haven't yet rented your home. I think to stay in this relationship given you already know what it is like would be a GRAVE MISTAKE and I think that you already understand that.
I am glad he is understanding of your need to leave. Now leave as soon as possible.
Your boyfriend has made his choice. In my humble opinion it is WELL PAST time for you to make your own choice. Take full responsibility; tell him he is a fine man and this isn't his fault, but that you had no idea really and that you now understand your own limitations, and that one of them is that you cannot live with and care for elders.

Break-ups are hard. To help you out, there's this......
(In a past life, I researched these things)

1) Take a photo of him as he is playing videos, or not showered watching T.V. for days, unshaven, warts and all.

You won't need to keep it very long, or even refer to it much at all. I lost my photo of ex, but remember it well. He was leaning over the master bedroom mirror, brushing his teeth at the sink, and his hand was inside, down the back of his underwear.

2) Dr. Laura always used to advise a ring on your finger (before marriage, or moving in together). Now, look down at your left hand, ring finger......his intentions will become clearer.

First reaction is "Goodbye, farewell..".

He may be in over his head? Have no clue what to do. How to please all these women at once. But tuning out watching TV is not going to fix anything.

When you walk away, he will see if he can find the way back to his own life. You will see he can find his way back to you.

You will find the strength for your journey I'm sure.

"He told me that he would understand if I left".

So leave. Please.

Run away, as fast as you can. Don’t marry him. He’s not the one!!! I’m keeping it short and simple!

Aghtgh4216, sorry to post a second time but after being married to the same good man for 39 years (and dating for 5 before that), you need to find someone who is: 1) ambitious and 2) a problem-solver -- BECAUSE life is a series of challenges, one after another. That's just a fact. People who don't understand and accept this get stuck in place, frozen. That's your man right now. He's not rising to the occasion. So, don't be stuck with him. You must solve your own problem by moving out. Your "love language" may be acts of service, but it shouldn't be a life of slavery. There's no security in your current situation, just mire.

I just had a good laugh. Sorry, but how in the heck did you get into all this mess and yes it is a mess. I would run and not walk in my opinion to the nearest exit. Partner needs to step up and take all the responsibility of caring for them, home care, facility what ever, and it is not your responsibility. Wish you the best. I have not read other posts but maybe they can give you better advice. Take care.

I'd leave on the grounds that I can't stand the smell of burning martyr. Leave if you want to, I'll understand, I'll manage somehow, even though as it is you and I are overwhelmed, you feel ten years older and ill and I'm staring at the headlights...

Oh, please!

Put it to him that he ought to put his mother first, and work with you on a plan to meet her needs which are bound to increase. Research options, share them with him, set him deadlines, help him with the difficult conversations. And what's the aunt's role in all this? Help or hindrance?

I'm guessing from your responses, you have made up your mind.

One more thing to think about: I don't think your boyfriend's issue is that he's overwhelmed - however true that is - I think his issue is maturity, or specifically the lack thereof.

Unless you have lived an extremely charmed life, there are very few adults who haven't been overwhelmed at one time or another. A mature person deals with it - a mature person doesn't remove him/herself from the situation (like zoning out watching TV or playing video games) while everyone around him/her deals with the situation that is making that person feel overwhelmed. That's something that a child does.

A mature person who is in a committed relationship has enough sense to say to their significant other "I am feeling so overwhelmed by this - what can I do to solve this problem?" A child says "I am feeling overwhelmed - fix it for me."

A mature person invites assistance - not gives the entire problem over to another because he "can't deal". A child does that.

Do you want to be in a relationship with an adult, or act as a mother figure to a man-child? I think that's why he's so reluctant to leave his mom - she treats him like a child, so he can continue to act like a child. His anger with you is that you're not willing to take up that role anymore, and who can blame you? I'm sure that's not what you signed on for when you took up with this person.

If your plan is to cut your losses, do it before you waste anymore of your precious time. If not, be prepared to spend more time in your relationship being a mom, and less time being a partner.

I believe you need to walk away. I don't think he will take steps to get mom and aunt into appropriate care while you are providing the solution for him. He needs to understand that he is simply not available for a marriage relationship while he is tied to mom and aunt.

Definitely- walk away. I had doubts before I got married and wish I listened to myself. You can find happiness elsewhere.

Run, don’t walk. Leave as soon as possible.

I am so sorry that you are in this situation.

You deserve better. Best wishes to you.

I read your responses.

I married the first time at 24 for all the wrong reasons. My ex had not had a good childhood. Mom died, foster home, Dad remarried, didn't get along with Stepmother, ect. So I thought I could give him what he needed. If I had made a list of pros and cons, I would never have married him. It was even one sided before we married. 4 years in we had a daughter. Things went downhill from there. He came home one day and said he didn't want to be married anymore. He took our daughter on Friday afternoons and made sure she was back by dinner. Gave up his parental rights so my now DH could adopt my daughter. Then he just walked out of her life. He was found dead at 69 yrs old sitting in his recliner in front of his TV with beer cans surrounding him. Yes he had married again but again after 5 years he divorced her. So, he died alone.

He like your BF never learned how to have relationships with people. He had turned away 2 wives. Didn't keep in touch with the half siblings he had. Had no long lasting friendships. He did me the biggest favor he could, let me go. I have been married 40 yrs, 2 daughters and 2 grandsons. All within 5 min away. He had told a fellow worker when he retired he was just going to sit in his chair, in front of the TV and drink beer. Thats how he wanted to live the rest of his life.

I think you know what you will be doing. You have been told you don't need to stay. Then don't. Go back to your house. This man is doing you a favor, their is someone out there that will love you above all others.

You chose to live with your partner.
You did not choose or agree to live with and become the caregiver to his elderly mother and aunt.
Mom is also jealous and resentful of you being there. Even though you're pretty much a servant in the house, she resents you because she's competing with you for her son's affection. That's why she refuses to allow any space for your things. She will throw a tantrum and make her son's life miserable if he supports you in any way because she wants you out.
There's an old Italian saying. "Better a viper in your bed then two women at your table". It has to be you or mother.
Give your partner the ultimatum that either they go or you do. Really there is no other way.
You say you'll be 50 soon. You're not a kid yourself anymore. Don't sacrifice the remainder of your youth to the drudgery and misery of being a caregiver to people who clearly have no love or even respect for you. They probably never did.
If your partner chooses his mother and aunt over you, then so be it. Tell him they can keep his bed warm at night because you're out. Good luck to you and I hope your partner makes the right choice.

Unfortunately you can stay and continue to be a caregiver, or leave. He doesn’t seem to be stepping up to find a solution to a major problem with his family so that is probably a signal of how future problems would be handled. You can’t think you can change people if they don’t want to change. No action means no change. Good luck.

he is showing you that he doesn’t value you and y’all’s relationship with his inaction.

He could figure this out. He could find the elderly ladies somewhere else to live. He could find a place for your stuff. He has not done so. Is he guilty, stuck, feeling obligated or trying to hold on to inheritance? Who knows. Please stop trying to figure out his reasons for not changing the situation and try, instead, to figure out why you are not changing the situation.
He says he can understand why you would leave. So he clearly has made his choice. Be grateful that this happened before you got too far into it. These ladies were eventually going to have a crisis; it is always only a matter of time.

So get working on this and find another situation for yourself. Sorry that what looked like a great chance at happiness but if this is how he handles a crisis, best you leave now.

Walk away - he doesn't have a great buy in to your relationship, you are wasting your life in a situation you are not that important in.

Guilt is the only thing keeping you there. Guilt is negative energy. It will wear you down to nothing if you let it. It takes strength to leave. Get strong and get out.

You and your partner are experiencing stress and burn out from caregiving. If your partner is willing to see a counsellor with you to discuss changes, there is hope this relationship can blossom. It would also require your partner tp being willing to allow other help into the caregiving dynamic. If your partner is not willing to discuss changes or implement changes, you are better off leaving.

Move out!
Let him know that you love him and want a loving relationship with him again but it isn't going to happen with being a Caregiver.
Let him know that they both need to go live in a home and he can go visit.

If he's not willing to do this, let him know you're leaving and Leave!

Maybe it will take you leaving before he sees and feels the real effect if it as he won't have you there helping which will leave the responsibility back on his shoulder.

I imagine within 6 months, he'll have them both in a home.

Prayers

Can you move back into your house? If so, do it immediately. There is no space for you, literally and figuratively, in his home or his life.
These are not your family members, but your health has already been affected by them. And your boyfriend has made his position clear—he won’t make space for you, he won’t make time for you and chooses TV and video games instead, and he would understand if you left. It sounds like the relationship is already over.
I know you planned to spend the rest of your life with this man, and I am sorry that it didn’t go as planned. but now you’re seeing a preview of what that life would be like. It is lucky that you saw it early on.

After reading the responses...and thinking about your post... I think your boyfriend is unconsciously looking for a substitute mother... to take care of everything! He sounds a bit immature. Move as soon as possible. Tell him you hope he gets the right help/placement for his mom and aunt. I think you are setting yourself up for misery if you remain in the home. Go...create a life you enjoy...if he decides to join you at some point...okay. Prayers for you!