I made a very nice dinner for my 97 year old mother and she told me she was full, but wanted a fudge bar. Am I being too strict?

She's 97 not 3, what are you trying to accomplish by keeping her on a strict diet? Have YOU never had a day when dinner didn't appeal but comfort food did?
I can pretty much guarantee that the last thing you will be thinking as she lays dying is "dang, I wish I hadn't let her have that fudge bar" .

I think that you are treating your mother as some people treat their children. "Eat your dinner or no dessert?" "Eat your dinner or go to bed." "Eat everything on your plate or sit there all night" "There are starving children in China who......." Why does it matter how long you took to make the dinner if your mother just simply does not like it? Why must she like your cooking because it took you 2 hours to make it? I think that there are enough losses for our elders. Loss of ability to ambulate without fear, loss of bowel and bladder control, loss of mind. Why must there be a loss of dignity to even decide what they do or do not like to eat, and when? I understand, really. You spent the two hours and you thought it was great, and you are disappointed. But I know you. You are better than this. Give Mom the Fudge bar, and think on the good side. You have a ton of leftovers of that wonderful meal.

My mom is 88, dementia. She can have all the diet coke and chocolate she wants. At this point if it makes her happy I say let her have it. She is not on any special diets though🍩🍫🍬🍦

Yes, you are being too strict. If she is on a medical diet, get her to whomever prescribed it and have them deal with it.

You sound like I have to stop myself from sounding when I’m serving lunch to my 4 year old grand daughter. The approach doesn’t work with her, and doesn’t work with your mom.

Good luck with this, seriously. Get Jerry Seinfeld’s wife’s book, great tricks for sneaking healthy food into reluctant eaters!

Thanks everyone, mom is getting her fude bar and she thanks you all!

If she ate any part of her dinner...I would let her have the fudge bar, let what she did eat digest for a bit then in an hour or so give her the fudge bar.
Is it also possible that you are serving her more than she can eat at 1 meal?
Maybe break the portions into 4, 5 or 6 small meals so she can "nibble" during the day.
Spending 2 hours on making a meal is a bit much ( I bet there is a bit of an exaggeration there though) Make smaller more simple meals. Give her the more calorie dense meals earlier in the day. (My Grandma used to say Eat Breakfast like a King, Lunch like a Prince and Dinner like a Pauper) She will be able to digest larger meals easier during the day and go to bed not feeling filled and uncomfortable.

Hi Grandma, my mother is on a pureed, and honey consistency liquids since last October. No exaggeration here. We hired a Personal Chef and it took him 5 hours for his preparation and he did say it was extremely time consuming. I certainly do not mind the time and preparation, but now she wants dessert before her meals or before finishing her meal. Thank you for your advice, I will try it. The nutritionist and speech therapist want her to have 70 gm protein per day and she is a diabetic. I did give her the fudge bar a few minutes ago and she had smile on her face. Not wanting to leave now. I think I will switch her lunch for the big meal and light dinner. I know what you mean about the FUDE, my mistake. I so appreciate all your advice. Thanks again!

You guys are great you really are! I am going to try to be less strict with my mom. I do worry about her diabetes and UTI's though. I knew what the answers were going to be before I posted this thread. I told my niece I bet they will tell me to give her the fudge bar. I did not realize I was treating my mom like a child, but reading posts from you good people, I realize I do and so does my niece. Time for change here. Thank you all again for your great advice which is well taken!!

I really tried to get my husband to eat better, watch his weight when it would drop etc. Now that he's gone, I'm glad he indulged in 1/4# hotdogs at Costco, Klondyke bars and chicken fried steak.

Thanks Tothill, My mother has always been the most important person in my life. We have always been close. Yes, it is hard to let go and face the fact the good Lord will take her home some day, regardless of her diet, health and so forth. I am so glad I gave her the fudge bar, reality setting in, I guess. I will check out Dairy Queen for the sugar free bars, my mom will love them. Boy, most posters thought I was treating my mom like a child. I have been taking care of her for twenty years and never realized it. My niece does do the same thing. We need to change our attitude. I can be somewhat of a bossy type, take charge kind of a person, but quite easy going when it comes to my mom. I am always thinking in her best interest, perhaps too much. I am really glad I asked this question, mom is trying to make decisions on her menu for tomorrow. I usually give her a few options. One morning she wanted a MilkyWay for breakfast. We shall see what she will come up with. Thanks again for your sweet reply.

Earlybird, sometimes when some of us read posts like yours we automatically rush to judgement and decide that the child is a control freak. I’ll admit sometimes my first thought is “your mother is 101. Let her sleep. Of course she’s tired. LET HER SLEEP. What is the big deal here?”. And I think to myself that if I live to be 90, I’ll be darned if my kids try to control my life and tell me what I can and can eat, and make me get up when I want to sleep!
While some children, IMHO are being controlling and treating their parents like children, I have recently come to realize that those children are the minority. The majority of them are not being controlling but rather coming from a place of good intention. They are caregivers trying to do right by their parents and do what they think is best. And that’s what you’re doing here. You’re trying to do what’s best for your mother. You have her bets interests in mind. You aren’t trying to control her and tell her what she can and can’t eat. You’re looking out for her. You’re heart is in the right place! I say, she’s 97. If she wants a fudge bar for dinner, let her have one. Treat yourself to one too! And you can always look for the healthiest option, you don’t have to get the fancy real fudge bars that are full of sugar and fat! You can always trick her with frozen yogurt or Halo or something else. Honestly everything in moderation right? If you give in and give her a Milky Way for breakfast than denying a fudge bar for dinner doesn’t make you controlling. It makes you reasonable IMHO.

Earlybird...
A quick comment on your post about the time.
I get it . I was doing pureed foods for my Husband. Most of his meals were soup, a very thick soup but I could thicken with veggies and meats not using the "Thickit" product I used for drinks. Thick and more protein. Then I switched dinner to breakfast. It is time consuming to think up tasty meals that are not going to put someone at risk for choking.
But to the point.
Watch the Fudge bars. They melt as she is eating them and they are in the mouth and throat just like an un thickened liquid so there is an aspiration risk. Maybe try pudding, same taste but it will not melt like the fudge bar.

I have no doubt that you have THE best intentions with your mom. You go above & beyond the call of duty where her care is concerned. Now here's the but: she's 97 years old and as such, should not be forced to follow a strict diet of ANY kind (in my opinion). At her age, if all she wants to eat is sweet, then let her. When our kids were little, we made them eat their vegetables before they could have dessert b/c they were growing and needed to develop healthy eating habits which would last for life. With the elderly, that's not the case. Their lives are pretty much finished. So why impose unnecessary restrictions on them at THIS point in time? To extend their lives by a month or two, if even that?

Leave her alone, that's my suggestion. In fact, I just sent my mother a big box of See's candies in the mail, they're her favorites. Who cares if she eats the whole box in 3 days? Those chocolates will make her happy and that's something that's in short supply for her these days. I personally feel that our goal should be to keep our mothers happy nowadays, nothing else. Yes, safe too........but happy first & foremost.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward, my friend. And bravo to you for your huge heart.

Earlybird, I'm curious - who has put your mother on a "strict 2000 calories" diet? And whatever for???

My two penn'orth - aside from nutrition, I think you have every right to make the point to your mother that allowing you to spend so much time and trouble on a meal, then decline it, then decide she wants a fudge bar instead are worthy of an overtired three year old. Where are her manners?

I hope you weren't cooking only for her, though? - and again, if a 97 year old wants to behave like said three year old... that's her choice. Just don't join in by treating her like one.

If I live to be 97 my kids better not be keeping me away from my favorite cheesecake.

97--shoot, if she wants to eat fudge bars for MEALS I'd let her.

Hello Countrymouse, my mom is extremely easygoing, and so easy to please, but when it comes to her sweet tooth she can be a bit feisty to say the least. She does have very good manners, though. Please and thank you always for everything I do for her. Thank you for your post. Appreciate it very much! You are so right, treat her like an adult that she is. I had a talk with her this am, and apologized to her for treating her like a child. I feel sad I did that to her. Her endocrinologist put her on a 2000 calorie ADA diet about 30 years ago due to diabetes. A1C 5-7- 6-0 these days, which is good. Fresh fruit, veggies, plant based foods and occasional sweet treats, now will be more frequent thanks to you kind people She only eats salmon and fish. Picky eater, but trying new things since the pureed diet in October. My mother always comes first before any of us. I prepare her meal and then ours and occasionally we eat the same thing and sometimes different depending on what's cooking. Teaching brother and niece how to cook, which is big time work in itself but practice makes perfect. Hope you have a great day, and enjoy your summer. Stay safe and healthy

First thing I noticed was a 2000 cal diet for a 97 year old. I have been counting calories since I was a teen. At 70 I eat 1500 a day. Anymore than that and I gain weight. 2000 cal a day is for a young active woman not a 97 yr old. Then you said this was established 30 yrs ago. In my opinion a 97 yr old does not need 2000 cal a day. I understand about the diabetes, just watch her carb and sugar intake. I would ask her doctor about 2000 cal. I think she may do OK in under 1500 but more than 1000/1200 but her Dr. can tell u better.

Be aware that as we age we lose our ability to taste especially those with a Dementia. Salt and Sugar seems to be what the elderly can still taste. Its instant gradification. Let her have her treat. She is 97 not much she probably enjoys at this age.

At 97, she should be able to eat whatever she wants (within reason).
Kinda seems like she doesn't want to be treated like a child.
I understand that you're just trying to do what's right for Mom, however, at 97 she doesn't have many years left. Let her indulge a little! You'll both be happier.
God bless!!

My Luz (DW) was eating less the last few months. She lost a lot of weight. I would give her whatever she wanted and still she lost weight. I left fluids and little snacks out for her that she would drink or eat.
It made no difference what order it was.
Then she started having difficulty swallowing just before the end. She refused to eat the pureed foods because of the taste.

I say let her eat whatever she wants whenever she wants. And talk to her as much as possible. Encourage her to eat and rub her back and hug her a lot.

Update to all:
My mothers lunch today:
Fudge bar 100% before lunch
Pureed manicotti with marinara sauce 2 large pieces. Ate half portion
Chocolate avocado and banana pudding with dollop whip cream 100%
after her lunch.
Comment from my mother
The dinner was soooo good! Yay!!
Still talking about her lunch, said she loved it.

Let her eat dessert first every day. Just count it in for her 2000 calorie a day diet. She’s 97 years old. She’s lived this long. I’m sure eating dessert first instead of last won’t hurt her.

There is a story of the college instructor that put large rocks into a large glass container until he could not put any more. He then ask the class if the container was full to which they replied YES.
He then added several smaller rocks to the container filling in the gaps around the larger rocks. He again ask if the container was full. Again the reply was YES.
He then began adding sand to the container and again ask if the container was full.
Reply again was YES.
It was then that a student in the rear of the room removed a can of beer from his back pack, carried to the front of the room, opened it aand poured it into the container.
The instructor ask what that proved.
The student replied "No matter how full you are, there is always room for a beer."

Let her eat pretty much what she wants, in whatever order she wants, and as much as she wants. And hug her when she is full.

Hello JoAnn, Your advice is working wonders for my mom. Salt and sweets together are working very well. Last few days she is eating most of her meal along with a sweetened drink or a sweetened yogurt. Alternation between the two. Ate 100% breakfast, yesterday 90% at lunch with dessert later, she did not want it at the time.. Meals are going well, and mom seems more content. I usually do not put added salt on her foods due to high blood, but my mom likes the added salt. She keeps telling me how wonderful the food is and she wants to pay me. Thanks again, Joann.