I lost my cool yesterday. Any advice?

I am sure I will be in the minority here but I am a firm believer that sometimes you need to get mad and yell back. Obviously your grandmother got the message.

You need to take a step back. She doesn't seem to want or appreciate your help. So please back off for your own well being. Take a break from taking her calls. Maybe giving her a few days on her own will cause her to appreciate what you are trying to do for her.

ellbee, you are under a lot of pressures and frustrations so it's certainly not a crime to lose your cool...once. If you keep losing your cool it may mean you don't understand people with dementia and should maybe find a support group and watch very helpful Tippa Snow videos on YouTube.

Are you her durable PoA? If so you have the authority to tell the HHAs to do what needs to be done. Can you keep the chore chart online so your grandma can't see it? Yes, ignoring her or redirecting the conversation can work, even walking out of the room if necessary. But don't go down the angry bunny trails she starts on about. The HHAs must do the same.

Can you tell us why, at such a young age, you seem to be her main caregiver/manager? She is only 71, which is young for dementia, and her behaviors will just deteriorate month by month, and her daily needs grow with equal speed. With dementia one is losing their self and forgetting short-term things, and very unable to learn new things -- even really simple things. And this can be incredibly frustrating for all involved. This is what happened with me and my MIL. I wanted to throttle her on several occasions. I also did not answer every call from her and suggest you become comfortable with doing the same. More info would really be helpful for the forum to provide creative ideas for you, so thanks for anything you can tell us.

Please forgive yourself. My Mom was pretty much into her Dementia when I would lose my cool. TG she didn't it. I am not a caregiver. Just when I sat down she would need something. Being there 24/7 for someone is hard.

With Dementia your Grandma is not going to remember what she did or said. She can't be reasoned with, process or comprehend. You may be able to set Boundries, maybe not. Her telephoning you at work needs to stop. She has aides that can solve her problems. Tell them that while they r there any calls from Gma will go in answered. That they r to call u in an emergency only. Please, do not give up your job to care for her. It will jeopardize ur future earnings with SS. There will come a time Mom is going to have to make a decision concerning gma going into a facility.

The chore chart was a no-go with your grandma?

I don't understand. The HHAs should be documenting what they do every visit in any case, chart or no chart; so there will be a record of what has actually taken place. If you were hoping the chart would "prove" to your grandmother that the various chores are being done, so that she'd think "oh I see, that's great then!" - you do know that was never, ever going to happen, right?

There isn't a creative way to combat the negativity and broken filters that are part of your grandmother's disease. Sorry. But your grandmother has trained people taking care of her four hours a day, seven days a week; and there are lots of ways to combat the stress that her behaviour causes you. #1 - Stop hoping you can make her think differently.

Why's she calling you so often?

I re-read your question, and you don’t say that your grandma has dementia. If her brain is still working, there are other strategies besides just sucking it up. They include simply walking out if she is unpleasant, and also making sure that she is doing every single task that she is capable of. Age 71 is very young to be dependent on ‘maids’. Stop feeling ashamed of yourself – you aren’t her maid either.

I don’t know how old you are, but, caring for someone who has dementia, as your profile states, is a huge responsibility. The person with dementia has brain damage that causes them to act the way they do, repeat things, act nasty, tell lies, and act unappreciative. Some of these traits do fade as they progress. Resistance to care is another trait that is common. When it becomes impossible to care for them in the home, with professional help, placement may be required. If your mother is the POA, I’d consider telling her that it’s too much for you. Dealing with this daily is extremely stressful. To maintain your relationship, I’d ask your mom to figure it out. There are home care coordinators, who handle things for a fee. Getting frustrated is understandable, but, it doesn’t help the matter. I’d take it as a sign you need help.

Ellbee, thanks for replying to say that Grandma was recently diagnosed with vascular dementia. Is her ‘mean’ behavior recent, or is it just the way she has been for some time – that is, not related to the dementia? It still might be relevant in how to treat ‘mean’.

Yeah well, the only time my mother 'hears' me is when I'm losing my cool. Yelling or raising my voice or saying something she doesn't want to hear. Which is necessary, in her case, as it probably is in your grandmother's case too.

Welcome to being human. It's a condition we're all afflicted with, yet we never seem to allow ourselves the luxury of acting human, do we? We need to be perfect, even in the face of a demented elder acting totally out of control! Why is it THEY get to act like lunatics and it's okay, yet WE have to act like angels 24/7? How does that make sense?

Demented elders want what they want exactly how and when they want it. Your grandmother is living at home, being waited on hand and foot (sounds like) with helpers and cleaners and her granddaughter there at every turn. Never mind that grandma was a drug abuser and as a result is now paying the piper at YOUR expense. Right?

Give yourself some grace. Cut yourself some slack. Allow yourself to be human. And allow grandma to rail at someone ELSE for a change. You are not a doormat, my dear. And disease or no disease, grandma needs to relax and calm down. Perhaps you losing your cool will help her see the light a bit.

Absolutely nothing to feel ashamed about. The experts say you cant hold someone who has dementia responsible for things they say, and they're right. In my opinion, holding them responsible would be if you walked off this job of care giving over the comments. Telling someone, even someone with dementia, that you won't be spoken to like you're a misbehaving toddler is perfectly ok. If you're willing to go back into the minefield of care giving, you have nothing to feel guilty about! You're allowed to be human!

I agree with Elbe
this person needs an al facility before the caregiver gives out.

I love my mom dearly, but she was the victim of extreme child abuse and has had borderline personality, and probably narcissistic personality order, too, all her life. She comes by it honestly. She is now 98 and lives with me, as she has for many years. Finally, after 64 years, I figured out how to deal with her nasty spells, which come in cycles like clockwork. I just say, nope, I'm not spending the day like this, and I either leave the room or go for a ride or to the store. When I return, she is much better. Took me a long time to figure this out because I have a lot of compassion for her and I would sit and listen to her abuse me and endure her extreme self pity. I now know that walking away IS compassionate, to her and to me. Invariably, she's smiling the next day. She knows I love her and am not going to desert her. She also now knows I'm not putting up with the stuff anymore.

Hi Ellbee, Please don't beat yourself up at `losing it' All Mums do it at least once with their toddlers and if they can, you can.
My late Husband had Alcoholic Dementia and would be verbally vicious and abusive. My way out was this...Is this Mac or the disease? If it was him or at least 70% him I would tell him his behaviour was unacceptable and leave the room.
If I believed the disease (we called it `Screwly') I would say, "Mac, Screwly is misbehaving shall we remind him that's not on? If this didn't work then "okay, I'm leaving you guys together for a while." I walked out and later he'd be fine.
I also put up small pictures of a fairground/merry go round horse on fridge, in bathroom, living and bedrooms. To remind me that Mac was on a merry go round called dementia but I had a choice about getting on a horse with him or watching and loving from the sidelines. I got a necklace with a fairground horse too and that was a constant reminder. A year after his death from cancer I wear my necklace to remind me I have choices about joining whatever craziness is going on in my life/the world.
You are doing a thankless task to the very best of your abilities - be proud of that. If you lose it sometimes, as long as you don't hurt your Grandmother no problem.
Take care, stay safe and sane.

I kind of wanted to say, "Good for you" for losing your cool. It probably did you some good. As several people have said, you are human and sometimes you just need to let out some emotions.

No need to punish yourself for your outburst. You are probably telling yourself, "I can't be mad at someone who has dementia or someone who is dying," but, yes, you can get mad and frustratednd overwhelmed and you need to holler.

Carry on with your good job of taking care of your grandmother and remember you are a person, too, and you need to take care of yourself as well.

Dear Ellbee

can't hold emotions responses to a frustrating situation against you. however your grandmother I’m sure you already feel deserves your best. And it seems that you are trying to give your best, sometimes that best can be delivered in ways you may not grasp in a heated moment of emotional exchange. The best advice I can think of that has helped me on many occasions is as follows.

God can guide you into the right use of temporary and eternal means to accomplish what is needed at anytime.

Step by step for anyone who trusts Him finds that "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Any type of trouble even the type of time we find all of ourselves in today. It seems that some requests go seemingly unanswered because what we ask for doesn't serve others to the best of our individual abilities or the greatest possible good.
If we go about trying to solve everything on our own then we err on the side of flesh and bone. it was a knowledge of such things that our Creator gave warning to the fist children in the first garden. When we try and fix everything and do everything on our very own we find ourselves having a sense of self “separate” from our Creator and this self separation type of consciousness is what is the root of many of our troubles in the first place. The crazy idea that god is manlike is another root of error that causes all sorts of mankind's inharmonious issues. Until we come to the Truth which is that we human beings are God Like as it says in the ancient text. In His Image and Likeness He (GOD) created them, (us)
sometimes realizing the Truth of a situation can bring forth a peace in the midst of a seeming war. You and those reading this are not mere flesh and bone only, You are a Consciousness of Spirit, the Very I Am that God refers to when speaking to anyone that would listen for Him. So the next time you find yourself feeling something less than a Whole Love for any one of your fellow beings. Try and consider this help that is available to you and those of your whom have dropped in to read these letters. Call upon it at that moment of need and learn that it truly is a help in time of trouble. Love, Peace, Joy are available at anytime and in all circumstances. As you begin to understand what Image and Likeness truly means, this understanding will become the gift I offer you. Know yourself, it is a work worthy of your efforts and will pay you through  understanding ways of never having the feeling of guilt toward any of your fellow beings.
Your not alone in your feelings, or your thoughts, of frustrations, or joys.

Losing one's cool is uncomfortable and makes one feel guilty - but it also clears the air and enables a new beginning. My mother is NPD so me and my sister have to decide if she is being her usual self (nasty snide comments, slagging off family members, gaslighting, denial etc) and when it is the dementia. I have learnt that to have a shout and say what I feel even if it means feeling bad about it later is an acceptable choice. I accept I will feel bad and this will make me try and be more patient in the future. And usually it is effective. After a few days of sulking or "go away and leave me to die then if that's how you feel" which I weather with a calm carry-on-as-usual demeanour and "goodness that was then, this is now, get over it" cheeriness, life is very very much better for us both. I doesn't happen often but I take responsibility knowing everyone has to find their own way with a particular difficulty.

I hate to say it but if there is a Caregiver on this site or any other that can say they have never "lost their cool", gotten angry and yelled I would have to say they are lying!
We are human.
We are raised with an expectation that we "respect our elders"
We are also told it is not nice to yell and scream at someone
So here we are taking care of someone that that apparently does not respect what we are doing for them, they yell at us...gut reaction is to yell back.
So....we try not to do it again.
Apologize, does not matter if they understand the apology or not, sincerity, and true emotion will get the point across.
You begin to know your triggers (unfortunately sometimes so does the person you are caring for) Don't let it get so far.
Walk out of the room if you feel like you are going to loose it. (this goes for hired caregivers as well) As long as it is safe to leave the room for a minute or two do so it can truly diffuse the situation.
If you have to get another caregiver. While it might be a more expensive option sometimes it is worth it for the emotional relief you will get.
And as long as it is safe..headphones or ear plugs can help.

Let the caregivers do their job, do what they are supposed to do. They understand the ways to deal with dementia and difficult clients.
If the caregivers are caring for grandma well and completing the tasks that they have to do that is all that matters.

Adding cooking might be pretty easy, maybe have the caregiver ask grandma how she made...soup and walk her through it while she is making the soup. Same with a meatloaf, or other family meal. Maybe you can tell grandma you want some family recipes written down and this is a way to do it. (If grandma can't remember the caregiver can just go along and make whatever she is making with grandma "helping")

A good caregiver a trained HHA can convince even the most unwilling to let them "help" with a shower or bath. Let them work their magic with grandma.

Best advise I have received from a seasoned caregiver, was when I am feeling overwhelmed, frustrated or mad, is to go out on my back patio and just scream. It helps. Neighbors might think I'm a bit crazy, but who cares. They don't know what caregivers go through on a daily basis. I'd rather scream into the air than at my LO, even though I have done that at times as well. I used to feel bad about that, but not anymore. I allow myself to be human. We all have our breaking points. Don't beat yourself up. Just breathe (and maybe go outside and scream!)

I know your pain. I'm running an tech firm from home, while caring for 92 year old mother. She' accused me of moving vital papers, stealing money, and she's even called me a rotten son to some extent. And she's refused to sign off on " The health care directive" my lawyer put together for her own protection. I too have had to yell at her at times, not knowing to cope with a person w/ Dementia, etc. I have PTSD from military service, and often am so depressed, I feel like just sending to a elder care home. But because she never let go down the drain while growing up, I feel I must continue to watch over her. Thanks for listening.