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There is nothing selfish or harsh about it so put that out of your mind. A simple no it isn’t possible is fine unless you WANT to say more. You live in NYC so moving mom there is too expensive for one but it also doesn’t seem fair to take her away from the home she chose and that’s the only other option. I say that for them not you because I would never in this scenario suggest you move her closer to you. You might ask one of your nearby extended family (I might choose the most vocal) to be your local point person even, see if one of them are willing to step up and help you take care of things. This might actually help your relationship with these distant relatives as well as put them on the defensive and lighten your load, that is if they are willing to step up. It really is a silly thought and question when you think it out actually, especially now that the time consuming “on the ground” stuff is done. You have and are taking care of all the things that make the care machine run, when and if you desire to feed any emotional need surrounding your mother is your business not your mom’s and not theirs.
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You are making a good decision. As the oldest of 4 sibs, two who died young and one who lives in a group home, I took FMLA for moms first fall 19 years ago, and it was quite disruptive. As a long distance carer, traveling 400 miles back and forth has been exhausting. Mom refused but is now placed in nursing care, a relief. Take care of yourself, visit mom when you are able. The extended family lacks empathy.
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Do not move and uproot yourself. You have your career and life where you are. Your mother is cared for. Block the family calls and stop talking to them. With enough stress, moving itself you may regret later will add just more stress and is not to be taken casually just to satisfy extended family. Ignore those selfish people. Why don't they travel for Time to spend with your mom??
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Every one of the answers has been the same. Do what is right for you at this time, not what distant relatives think you should do. You have already done what they should have done -- gotten her into a safe place, cleaned out and sold her condo, visited as often as is reasonable considering the distance.

I love the "zinger" mentioned above as a response when folks tell you that you should FMLA and be there. "I am glad that you can visit mom every day, I am sure she is also grateful." Because, well, yeah, sure they visit EVERY day. We all know that most likely isn't happening.
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They asked if you're in a position to FMLA to be with your mom. Just tell them no. You can add that you are not in a financial position to handle what could be a long term absence from work. You wish you were, but you're not. The 3 trips (or more) in the last few months have already created hardships for you financially and with your job. You're doing what you can remotely and you feel she is getting good care at the facility and receive regular updates.

Don't reply with anything insinuating you don't want to. All that does is create more drama and no one needs it.
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What do you do? What you already are doing! Do not even think of leaving everything behind and uprooting your life.
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Stay your course. You are doing the right things. I don't know if you can effectively communicate this to your extended family. Perhaps a short note stating your position that your mum is being well looked after, you will not be moving there, and inviting any of them to make the trip to see her/ be with her if they feel that strongly about it (or words to that effect).

Continue to take care of yourself and your life. Honestly it is not their business to tell you what to do.
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Stay put & continue on with your life!
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Especially given their extended relatives who don’t know you very well this must seem intrusive rather than helpful. Don’t allow them to insert themselves in this, a tactful but firm response will hopefully reset their perspective such as “In as much as I’m sure your intent is good, this is a personal and private matter for me in regards to her care. I don’t require feedback at this time, I will let you know if I do, thanks for understanding

Dismiss the feedback of others unless it’s someone who you know well and it resonates with you. Consider their opinions as background noise and just focus on taking care of yourself and making a decision you know is healthiest. You said you and your mother have had a strained relationship over the years without knowing if there was any abuse or mistreatment from her or not there must be a unhealthy dynamic that has caused you to keep some space. Perhaps there’s a degree you feel ok being involved and know what your limits are especially since it sounds like there was a unhealthy dynamic over the years.
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We, caregivers, all know those people and I tell them: talk to me when you do caregiving for year or two. Sometimes I am not that polite.
They are those who think they have solution to everything as long as it does not involve them directly.
My husband has Parkinson with no dementia for at least 8 years, diagnosed in 2015, but, suspect it began well before that. After hip fracture and subsequent surgery and then two additional for his back, nothing is better if not worse, even with 2 years of physio, 3 therapists each promising great results i.e. he will walk independently, which does not happen only gets worse.
His motor skills are diminishing greatly and there are other concerns as well. But, some live long with Parkinson, in your mother’s case could be years and years.
Your Mom is in right place, you cannot put your life on hold.
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Mom doesn't sound like she's in her last months at all.

Just keep on what you're doing and ignore the clown show.
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Your mother is well cared for so you do not need to put your life on hold. You have already done more than enough. My question is how are these 'distant' relatives contacting you and why do they think their opinion matters? I had a similar issue with a cousin. I was near my father and she was across the country but somehow thought she should have a say in what I was doing for my father. I cut her off from both of us. She did cry about this to other relatives but no one called me to tell me that. I heard about it at a family wedding. No one made me feel bad for cutting her off. Next time I relative contacts you ask them why they think they have a say in any of this.
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Beatty Apr 2023
Yes I wonder too why others want you there?

Do they feel sorry for your Mother? Sure.
But is it about Mother..? Or about them? Would they feel nicer if they can picture you sitting holding her hand? 🤔
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Some responses you could use.
"Thank you for your concern. I am well aware of mom's decline and I am in contact with her care providers."

"I am not going to discuss decisions I am making, have made with you (or anyone) at this time"

"I am glad that you can visit mom every day, I am sure she is also grateful"

A few other things you can do.
Do not answer the phone unless you want to.
Let messages go to voicemail and respond if and when you feel like it.
Do not let anyone "guilt" you into making a decision that you do not want to make.
FMLA is not the be all and end all to taking personal time from you job that many think it is. It is wonderful for those that are retired to say take FMLA but it is not that easy.

Keep your backbone stiff and stick to your boundaries!
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TouchMatters Apr 2023
Thank YOU grand ma ma !
Excellent ... on point... and shows self-empowerment.
I appreciate your clarity. And dialogue options to consider.
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Oh yes, your extended family buttinskies have appeared! I know this situation well as my husband and I just went through this not that long ago. These awful creatures spew garbage opinions and try to spread guilt and shame. They are loathesome meddlers who won't lift a finger themselves. Keep these people at arm's length!

My husband was so upset by our family buttinsky that I posted about it: https://www.agingcare.com/questions/fils-showtiming-with-family-at-christmas-and-new-years-eve-has-thrown-the-plans-to-downsize-him-into-478977.htm?orderby=recent
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This is ...a marathon...not a race. You *have to* pace yourself; and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.

No matter how much of your time you give to caring for your Mom...she will need even more care the very next day.
Believe me...I went through it.

At the end of the day...you can only do what you have the energy and spirit to do. Remember..you have a family of your own that you've built with your partner... and if you sacrifice that for caregiving....then you will be left alone after your mother dies....whilst the rest of your extended families go home to their loved ones.

You are doing a fantastic job so far. You can visit your Mom as often as you feel you can manage. But do not let people who are comfortable in their own lives pressure you to uproot yours.

IF the family makes a decision to spend more personal time with your Mother... then EVERYONE should do it; not just you.
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She's in assisted living. That implies that there is someone there to assist with her living. Ergo, stay where you are. Tell the family to piss off.
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You have no obligation to take care of your parents. You have no obligation to please extended family that don't even know you.

Your obligation is to take care of yourself and live your best life.

If it seems harsh to others, that's the way it is.

No one knows what has gone on in the home of a person's family of origin. Some families present a picture that is far from the truth. Often people judge those who choose to pull away from that dysfunction, and they know not what they judge.

Your mom is well cared for where she is. Let it be.
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Your Mom is in care. That is where she should remain. I hope against hope you are not already her POA and I would suggest you not become the same.

As to the home? Likely it will be condemned as the homes of most hoarders end up.

Only you can decide for your own life. I absolutely would not do this. Who is asking you to? If that extended family living near and involved with your Mom wish to take on her care then they should. You have not had a good relationship with her, but I would be advising you the SAME if you had. It is difficult enough to take on POA and Trustee, guardianship, whatever for a COOPERATIVE, pleasant and organized person. I know. I did it for my brother.

I think you should take a leave to visit your Mom and to speak with her, to let her know you will not be taking on her elder care, to supply her with numbers to call when in need. If I found squalid conditions I would report her to APS. I would tell them that I DO NOT INTEND TO take on POA for her, nor to act as guardian. I would tell them that if the judge her incompetent they will need to place her in the guardianship of the state. I would during that visit make that clear to extended family.

That is what I personally would do. I suggest also that you read Liz Scheier's excellent memoir, Never Simple, about her DECADES long attempt to care for her mother with the help of the social services of city/state of New York. Nothing worked and much of her life was wasted in attempting it.

We do not get to choose our parents. We are, as children, subject to their limitations. There is utterly no reason that, because whether by accident or choice they had you, you in turn must sacrifice your quality life to their limitations.

I am sorry if this sounds cruel. As a nurse, to me it is realistic. Sadly. You will be judged. You will have to EMBRACE that, smile and move on. And again, I am so sorry.
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As you said, Mom is being cared for. Hospice can be brought into the facility if felt needed. When they are not there, the AL staff will care for Mom. Or maybe better she goes to a Skilled Nursing facility with Hospice. With Zoom and phones, you will be in contact with the facility. When ur told Mom is actively dying, then u can go to see her.

Ignore these family members. As u say, you hardly know them. Just block them from calling you. If you need to say anything say "I am handling this the best way I can. I am not uprooting myself. If u feel my Mom needs more than I am willing to give, you have my permission to seek guardianship." Its called throwing it back at them. You owe them no explanations. Probably will never hear from them again once Mom passes. Your future is important. No need to give it all up for one person. You have done enough.
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"I'm so sorry, but I've there 3 times since December and I would be endangering my job if I made another trip right now."

In my family, we don't "do" deathbed stuff. We say goodbye each time knowing it could be the last. If you are at peace with mom, feel comfortable not taking more time off.

I might consider a short weekend visit, but not an extended stay.
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JoAnn29 Mar 2023
I like that Barb. Death in my family is part of living. I am not Irish but at my parents funerals it was like a wake. The men Dad worked with laughed when I got to the point I said Dad's house was his Castle and he was King. At my Moms, a minister that grew up with my brothers and our Moms were BFs officiated. Knowing the family like he did there were laughs. One woman walked out (in her 90s) because she thought we were disrespectful.
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You already answered your own question when you said "I will not uproot my life just to watch her deteriorate." So don't. And don't care what extended family says either.
When and if the time comes that your mom is nearing death you can then make the decision(if you want to)to go say your final goodbyes.
It sounds like you're doing a great job from afar, and if you're happy with that then leave well enough alone.
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Don't do it. Mom could live for quite some time.

She is being well taken care of. That alone is reason to keep doing things as you have been and tell these busy bodies to f-ck off.

Cut off all contact with family members who keep pressuring you to do this. You dont owe them any explanation.
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