There is nothing mean about not letting people - parents included - walk all over you. There is nothing mean about having self respect. There is nothing mean about having self worth. There is nothing mean about establishing and enforcing healthy boundaries.
Your mother's choices are hers; they do not have to be yours. You clearly recognize that something is very wrong with the situation. Admitting you have a problem is the first step toward solving it.
You are not a nurse. You are not a social worker. And even if you were either of those things, your mother and her husband need help from an objective third-party professional.
Molly, ah sounds like you had to change your life style because your Mom and stepfather refused to change their own. I also bet that your parents aren't paying you for the seven years you had given up to help them. But I understand you felt the need to jump in to help.
Usually what happens is the adult/child dynamics where once again your Mom becomes the parent and you resort back to being a child. In your parents eyes they view you as that young person who had a lot of energy and could do anything. My own parents viewed me that way :P
Every job does come to an end. If you were working outside of the house doing heavy labor eventually you would be quitting that job, right? Time to give your two weeks notice to your parents saying you just cannot keep doing this anymore.
Hopefully you have funds where you can move elsewhere, rest up, and get back into the job market. Yes, your Mom and Step-father will grumble and throw at you the guilt, but they are adults and need to find their own way without your help.
Well to make this short. I take care of my stepfather 24 hrs a day. I moved in to help my mom.. But it is taking a toll on my physical and emotional health. He is bed ridden and almost 500lbs.. I know my mom cant do a whole lot. But he refuses to go anywhere.. I have been doing this for 7 years. guess im just tired. I don't go anywhere . He eats what he wants cause my mom is an enabler.. I want him to get out of the bed. But says he legs wont leg s wont let him.. said maybe in 2 years. I don't think he wants to get up.thanksfor letting me vent.. Know one knows what this can do to a person. thank you for responding..
This is a tough conversation but one you need to have. Start with your Mom. Tell her that you can not do this physically any longer. the fact that she is enabling you Dad, obviously someone is providing him more calories than he needs. Tell your Mom that if you get hurt you will be of no use to either of them. To your Dad you need to tell him that you can no longer help him safely. Safe for him or for you. Does he have a primary doctor? If so you could contact the doctor and tell him that this is a "life and death" situation. If that does not work then unfortunately often times it takes a catastrophic event to put things and people in motion. If nothing else you need to tell your parents that they need to hire another caregiver. Figure out what would be good for you emotionally and physically. Would 4 hours 4 days a week work for you or would 2 days and having someone come in for 6 hours be better for you. Then present that as a solution.
Is your Dad a Veteran? If so you might be able to get some help through the VA. Senior Services in your town might also be of some help. Push come to shove you could contact Adult Protective Services and tell them that you and your mother can no longer provide the care that is required.
Molly, you are not mean. Molly, you are not mean and it’s worth repeating. What IS mean is people who know better taking advantage. If you choose to contiue to help, they need to make some changes. Engage a social worker for assistance. If they choose not to make changes for the sake of your health and well being, I’m sorry to say they don’t deserve your help. Molly, you are not mean.
Yes I feel guilty cause it is my mom she is almost 70. But still works fulltime. But have been thinking giving ultimatums if they want me to stay. Not sure how well that will go. But when I get courage I am going to try.
Why are you 24/7. Mom must be capable of something,
Before you tell them you can no longer do this, check out resources in the area. Call your Office of Aging and see what they provide. Maybe ur parents would qualify for an aide. Same with Medicaid, they may qualify for homecare.
Just explain to both you cannot continue physically. I would have a hard time caring for a 200lb man can't imagine a 500lb man.
There is nothing mean about having self respect.
There is nothing mean about having self worth.
There is nothing mean about establishing and enforcing healthy boundaries.
Your mother's choices are hers; they do not have to be yours. You clearly recognize that something is very wrong with the situation. Admitting you have a problem is the first step toward solving it.
You are not a nurse. You are not a social worker. And even if you were either of those things, your mother and her husband need help from an objective third-party professional.
Usually what happens is the adult/child dynamics where once again your Mom becomes the parent and you resort back to being a child. In your parents eyes they view you as that young person who had a lot of energy and could do anything. My own parents viewed me that way :P
Every job does come to an end. If you were working outside of the house doing heavy labor eventually you would be quitting that job, right? Time to give your two weeks notice to your parents saying you just cannot keep doing this anymore.
Hopefully you have funds where you can move elsewhere, rest up, and get back into the job market. Yes, your Mom and Step-father will grumble and throw at you the guilt, but they are adults and need to find their own way without your help.
Let us know what happens.
Then come back.
There are caregivers, and former caregivers who have been about where you are.
I would love to see you be set free.
If they are in need of care, they might not understand what you tell them.
Focusing more on what you cannot do will not be helpful, it is not your fault the person requires more care than you can provide.
If they can understand, tell the person that you are going to get them the care that is needed.
In what way would you think this is mean? It seems a difficult circumstance, choosing not to help is just that, your choice, your life.
You can check out your local senior center for referrals for help for them (they will have to pay).
They can check with his doctor for suggestions as to what would be the best next step, possibly a nursing home if your Mom can’t do the job alone.
Does your step-dad have any children that can help out?
I would check out the job market to get you on your way out of the house. Once you’ve saved enough, move out. You deserve a life.
Start with your Mom. Tell her that you can not do this physically any longer. the fact that she is enabling you Dad, obviously someone is providing him more calories than he needs. Tell your Mom that if you get hurt you will be of no use to either of them.
To your Dad you need to tell him that you can no longer help him safely. Safe for him or for you.
Does he have a primary doctor? If so you could contact the doctor and tell him that this is a "life and death" situation.
If that does not work then unfortunately often times it takes a catastrophic event to put things and people in motion.
If nothing else you need to tell your parents that they need to hire another caregiver. Figure out what would be good for you emotionally and physically. Would 4 hours 4 days a week work for you or would 2 days and having someone come in for 6 hours be better for you. Then present that as a solution.
Is your Dad a Veteran? If so you might be able to get some help through the VA.
Senior Services in your town might also be of some help.
Push come to shove you could contact Adult Protective Services and tell them that you and your mother can no longer provide the care that is required.
Before you tell them you can no longer do this, check out resources in the area. Call your Office of Aging and see what they provide. Maybe ur parents would qualify for an aide. Same with Medicaid, they may qualify for homecare.
Just explain to both you cannot continue physically. I would have a hard time caring for a 200lb man can't imagine a 500lb man.
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