I know that this may be upsetting to ask, but have you as a caregiver, ever contemplated suicide?

For those who feel that suicide is a sin, shouldn't be discussed, or whatever...in light of Anthony Bourdain's suicide, there are discussions about what drives someone to suicide, the options, etc., and they're very intelligent discussions, addressing despair, options, and more.

I think the issue is that this is a subject that bears discussion, not condemnation for those who might even contemplate it, and especially not moral or religious judgment.

GardenArtist...I agree.

What I hope for anyone considering suicide, is that with help they can get to a place where they can honestly say:
"I have had suicidal thoughts in the past, but I would never act on them"
AND:
"If I ever have a suicidal thought, I do not entertain those thoughts anymore".

Suicide *is* a mortal sin.

That's one extremely good reason not to do it, if you are a member of a faith that teaches this. But I can't see that it's any reason at all not to discuss the feelings that surround it.

And Holy God, Tacy.

The night before the school term began, my son's housemaster locked himself in the garage with his car's engine running. This left his shocked widow in the position where the very next day she had to explain to some forty adolescent boys how the person who was responsible for their welfare felt he had no other option, when she herself had absolutely no idea why.

I'm not sure that other people even flit across the minds of those who have reached final despair.

She1934... please post and let us know how you are doing. I hope things are getting better for you. Please feel free to private message me if you want to talk. I am generally on here off and on through the day/eve. Please take care and don't give up.

I keep reading all of your thoughtful responses to my original post and am touched. I also care very much about each of you and the personal journeys you are on. Here is a little more about my situation. Three years ago my successful attorney son became addicted to opioids-lost his job -and his marriage. He sought help, went in to rehab then into a sober living house for a year. During that year he was diagnosed with a pancreatic tumor and we nearly lost him. Fortunately his tumor, though rare, and metastasized, did not kill him. But the fear in our hearts continues, as his grandmother died of pancreatic cancer. He had the "whipple" procedure. But he has not been able to work since and he moved in with us-into a 923 Sgt house.  He is an amazing man, but together we have been through so much and in the middle of it all my husband began to seriously decline. My son does help, but there is no income other than a food card. Now we have had to sell our home, my son has lost any custody of a daughter he adores and to whom he has been the most wonderful father I have ever seen and her visits were the light we looked forward to as she adores her daddy too. Now we are searching for a small apartment with rent we can afford at a time when rents are rising. We pack some every day and try to be as positive as we can, with the constant reality of my husband's dementia and serious health issues that my son and I both have. So the light at the end of this dark tunnel is so father away as to seem utterly nonexistent. I go through my mala beads daily and pray and try to meditate and the exhaustion never lets up. I do see beauty in the world and I do have friends and family who love and who I love, but at night the tears are unending.

Hi She1934...so glad to hear from you. Have been worried about you. I am not sure of your ages or the area that you live in, but there should be some kind of assistance that can help. Are you in the US? If so have y'all applied for Social Security disability? If you belong to a church have you talked to them to see if they have resources or know of any agencies that might help. What you and your family are going through is so hard and so heartbreaking. There just has to be help out there somewhere.

Lordy Lordy I don’t know if I can respond cognitively but I’ll try to stay on topic. No, I’ve not considered suicide but the idea of escape is always on my mind. I live with my mom in her home but I have no social life. I have no car. I have 2 friends that visit every 2 weeks or so. I have 3 kids but only 1 comes around regularly but she has needs from me also. One grandkid that idolizes me but is growing out of it. The thing is that if I was given a break I wouldn’t have anywhere to go or money to spend. It’s such a hassle to arrange for care and a ride I rarely do our own grocery shopping which means I spend way too much and never get the right stuff!
What”s worse for me is the burn out I’m feeling. I’m just waiting for her to slide back down into helplessness and I resent it. I’m tired of being the cheering section. I’m tired of being the problem solver, the fixer upper, the penny pincher, the repairperson or the contractor. She doesn’t want to be a burden on anybody so she relies on me! I don’t know anything about fixing the plumbing or why the electric bill is so high or why her blood sugar suddenly is soaring. I’ve been trying to do it all for ten years and I’m just tired...
Now I’ve gotten the family a little bit involved. Enough that they want to know why I spent so much on grocerie, why isn’t her calendar up to date, when is her property insurance due. Why can’t they learn what medicine she takes? I’ll still order it, count it and dole it out but why do I have to be the only one who knows?
My brother and sister are going on vacation for the next 2 weeks. Mom has been chair bound for 3 months already. Ya I dream of escape. Mom says I’m always sleeping. I don’t know how long it’s been since I slept a whole night thru. I’ve got her piped in right next to my head on a baby monitor hearing her breathe, watching tv, hearing her phone calls.
I want to help her have a quality life. She's not infirm just weak. That doesn’t mean I like waiting on her hand and foot.
I have to get a grip or I can’t call myself her caretaker anymore, I’m afraid. I don’t like the person I’m turning into that’s for sure.
She didn’t ask to be this way and the alternative is unthinkable. She’s always been there for me. I don’t want to have any regrets so I need to figure out how to get myself right.

I’m sorry I responded selfishly to this post and made it all about me. I had not read all the posts yet. I do understand your feelings of hopelessness and despair and grief. Thank goodness you can express yourself here and hopefully ease your burdens.

CharK don't apologise, no need. The exhaustion that comes with being on call 24/7/365 makes complete sense; and in the context of a thread that is about not so much wanting to kill oneself but just wanting *out*, an end to it, enough of the unfairness and cruelty and pain and injustice and helplessness of the whole thing, your experience gives another perspective.

She, I am just so sorry. You and your family have been dealt such a series of mean, below-the-belt blows.

And yet. Here you are still standing. And very much needed, as I know you know.

Could you try being a bit impressed with your own strength?

CharK… I agree with Country Mouse don't beat yourself up or allow others to.

In reading your post you mentioned that you sleep a lot. It sounds like you are in major caregiver burn out/exhaustion and possibly anxiety as well. Talk to your doctor about it. My panic attacks/anxiety were rearing their head when I was going through the hardest time with my honey between Feb and the time he got out of rehab and I found myself either sleeping way too much or not being able to sleep. I have had strokes (13) and have a dormant seizure disorder and due to the stress did not want either to resurface so I talked to my doctor and it helped. Besides the heart meds (diagnosed with heart failure in 2003) and the gabapentin (for the solid headache I have had since Feb 2016) that I take he added a mild anti anxiety med. I only take a half of a pill at a time of the anti anxiety med as I have to stay sharp to take care of my honey's IV but it definitely helped and allows me to maintain my focus. If you have a hobby you like...work on it when you get a few minutes...anything that you enjoy that will relax you. Be sure to take time for yourself even if it is just a few minutes or an hour a day.

Hang in there and please let us know how you are doing.