I know that this may be upsetting to ask, but have you as a caregiver, ever contemplated suicide?

CharK… I agree with Country Mouse don't beat yourself up or allow others to.

In reading your post you mentioned that you sleep a lot. It sounds like you are in major caregiver burn out/exhaustion and possibly anxiety as well. Talk to your doctor about it. My panic attacks/anxiety were rearing their head when I was going through the hardest time with my honey between Feb and the time he got out of rehab and I found myself either sleeping way too much or not being able to sleep. I have had strokes (13) and have a dormant seizure disorder and due to the stress did not want either to resurface so I talked to my doctor and it helped. Besides the heart meds (diagnosed with heart failure in 2003) and the gabapentin (for the solid headache I have had since Feb 2016) that I take he added a mild anti anxiety med. I only take a half of a pill at a time of the anti anxiety med as I have to stay sharp to take care of my honey's IV but it definitely helped and allows me to maintain my focus. If you have a hobby you like...work on it when you get a few minutes...anything that you enjoy that will relax you. Be sure to take time for yourself even if it is just a few minutes or an hour a day.

Hang in there and please let us know how you are doing.

CharK don't apologise, no need. The exhaustion that comes with being on call 24/7/365 makes complete sense; and in the context of a thread that is about not so much wanting to kill oneself but just wanting *out*, an end to it, enough of the unfairness and cruelty and pain and injustice and helplessness of the whole thing, your experience gives another perspective.

She, I am just so sorry. You and your family have been dealt such a series of mean, below-the-belt blows.

And yet. Here you are still standing. And very much needed, as I know you know.

Could you try being a bit impressed with your own strength?

I’m sorry I responded selfishly to this post and made it all about me. I had not read all the posts yet. I do understand your feelings of hopelessness and despair and grief. Thank goodness you can express yourself here and hopefully ease your burdens.

Lordy Lordy I don’t know if I can respond cognitively but I’ll try to stay on topic. No, I’ve not considered suicide but the idea of escape is always on my mind. I live with my mom in her home but I have no social life. I have no car. I have 2 friends that visit every 2 weeks or so. I have 3 kids but only 1 comes around regularly but she has needs from me also. One grandkid that idolizes me but is growing out of it. The thing is that if I was given a break I wouldn’t have anywhere to go or money to spend. It’s such a hassle to arrange for care and a ride I rarely do our own grocery shopping which means I spend way too much and never get the right stuff!
What”s worse for me is the burn out I’m feeling. I’m just waiting for her to slide back down into helplessness and I resent it. I’m tired of being the cheering section. I’m tired of being the problem solver, the fixer upper, the penny pincher, the repairperson or the contractor. She doesn’t want to be a burden on anybody so she relies on me! I don’t know anything about fixing the plumbing or why the electric bill is so high or why her blood sugar suddenly is soaring. I’ve been trying to do it all for ten years and I’m just tired...
Now I’ve gotten the family a little bit involved. Enough that they want to know why I spent so much on grocerie, why isn’t her calendar up to date, when is her property insurance due. Why can’t they learn what medicine she takes? I’ll still order it, count it and dole it out but why do I have to be the only one who knows?
My brother and sister are going on vacation for the next 2 weeks. Mom has been chair bound for 3 months already. Ya I dream of escape. Mom says I’m always sleeping. I don’t know how long it’s been since I slept a whole night thru. I’ve got her piped in right next to my head on a baby monitor hearing her breathe, watching tv, hearing her phone calls.
I want to help her have a quality life. She's not infirm just weak. That doesn’t mean I like waiting on her hand and foot.
I have to get a grip or I can’t call myself her caretaker anymore, I’m afraid. I don’t like the person I’m turning into that’s for sure.
She didn’t ask to be this way and the alternative is unthinkable. She’s always been there for me. I don’t want to have any regrets so I need to figure out how to get myself right.

Hi She1934...so glad to hear from you. Have been worried about you. I am not sure of your ages or the area that you live in, but there should be some kind of assistance that can help. Are you in the US? If so have y'all applied for Social Security disability? If you belong to a church have you talked to them to see if they have resources or know of any agencies that might help. What you and your family are going through is so hard and so heartbreaking. There just has to be help out there somewhere.

I keep reading all of your thoughtful responses to my original post and am touched. I also care very much about each of you and the personal journeys you are on. Here is a little more about my situation. Three years ago my successful attorney son became addicted to opioids-lost his job -and his marriage. He sought help, went in to rehab then into a sober living house for a year. During that year he was diagnosed with a pancreatic tumor and we nearly lost him. Fortunately his tumor, though rare, and metastasized, did not kill him. But the fear in our hearts continues, as his grandmother died of pancreatic cancer. He had the "whipple" procedure. But he has not been able to work since and he moved in with us-into a 923 Sgt house.  He is an amazing man, but together we have been through so much and in the middle of it all my husband began to seriously decline. My son does help, but there is no income other than a food card. Now we have had to sell our home, my son has lost any custody of a daughter he adores and to whom he has been the most wonderful father I have ever seen and her visits were the light we looked forward to as she adores her daddy too. Now we are searching for a small apartment with rent we can afford at a time when rents are rising. We pack some every day and try to be as positive as we can, with the constant reality of my husband's dementia and serious health issues that my son and I both have. So the light at the end of this dark tunnel is so father away as to seem utterly nonexistent. I go through my mala beads daily and pray and try to meditate and the exhaustion never lets up. I do see beauty in the world and I do have friends and family who love and who I love, but at night the tears are unending.

She1934... please post and let us know how you are doing. I hope things are getting better for you. Please feel free to private message me if you want to talk. I am generally on here off and on through the day/eve. Please take care and don't give up.

Suicide *is* a mortal sin.

That's one extremely good reason not to do it, if you are a member of a faith that teaches this. But I can't see that it's any reason at all not to discuss the feelings that surround it.

And Holy God, Tacy.

The night before the school term began, my son's housemaster locked himself in the garage with his car's engine running. This left his shocked widow in the position where the very next day she had to explain to some forty adolescent boys how the person who was responsible for their welfare felt he had no other option, when she herself had absolutely no idea why.

I'm not sure that other people even flit across the minds of those who have reached final despair.

What I hope for anyone considering suicide, is that with help they can get to a place where they can honestly say:
"I have had suicidal thoughts in the past, but I would never act on them"
AND:
"If I ever have a suicidal thought, I do not entertain those thoughts anymore".

GardenArtist...I agree.

For those who feel that suicide is a sin, shouldn't be discussed, or whatever...in light of Anthony Bourdain's suicide, there are discussions about what drives someone to suicide, the options, etc., and they're very intelligent discussions, addressing despair, options, and more.

I think the issue is that this is a subject that bears discussion, not condemnation for those who might even contemplate it, and especially not moral or religious judgment.

Hi Namvet...hang in there as you are not alone. I can not speak for everyone but I do understand what you are going through. I am caregiver to my honey of 30 years who went from treating me with respect and love to being very verbally abusive and self centered from February to May of this year. If it hadn't been for the things that I noted above, and this forum, I very easily could have gone to that dark place where I did not want to see the next day. Anyway my honey ended up in the hospital in May (he is near end stage heart failure- see the post...How to handle downright mean). Between rehab and hospital he was gone a month. This gave me time to get reacquainted with myself and set boundaries on what I would allow, as far as his treatment of me, once he came home. He threatened me once while he was in the hospital so I promptly bought a gun safe and every weapon in the house and ammo are locked in it and I am the only one who has access. When my honey came home from rehab, the first day was good and from there he started heading the direction that he had been at prior to going into the hospital. I put a stop to it...period. He is now being very sweet, doing some things for himself and in general behaving himself. My radar is still on high alert for any signs of changes or violence (either verbal or physical) but I do not show it.

Namvet, please don't get wrong... I am not playing down what you or she1934 are feeling. I am so thankful that you are not contemplating suicide. You don't say how old you are though if I am correct you are caring for your wife. It is hard watching someone you love decline or go through difficult times and if they have a difficult personality it is even harder.

I have actually grieved twice for the man I fell in love with 30 years ago. The first time was when he had his strokes 13 years ago and was initially diagnosed as being about age 3 mentally at that time (he is now at around 16 though he acts like a 5 year old at times). I still love him very much and it kills me to know that in all likelihood he does not have a lot of time left and I will lose the love of my life and my soul mate so I grieve silently so that he will not know. But I know I have to keep strong for myself, him and our two four-legged "fur babies".

Namvet...just as I told she1934... hang in there. You need to find time for yourself even if it is just a few minutes to do a hobby, watch a tv program or do something you want to do. If you can afford it (I have found out Medicare will not pay for non-medical caregivers) see if you can get a professional caregiver to come in for a couple or three hours a week ( even 8 hours) to give you some relief so that you can find yourself again and regenerate. I hadn't cried in 12 years until the time period of Feb to May and was ready to run down the street screaming when I found this forum. There are a lot of wonderful people on this forum who care. I don't know what I would have done if I had not found this forum as I had no one to talk to who could understand. Please keep posting and keep us posted how you are doing.

Do I think about suicide? Only daily. And I empathize with all you've said. But I feel trapped by my husband's need for my care, and the severe grief my children would feel if I weren't around for them too. I can't do that to them.

I'm so glad you have people you can talk to/lean on! They are your most precious commodity.

"People commenting on this site just don't understand the level of pain one goes through when caring for a loved one". NamVet, you are SO right. Nor do they understand what Vets go through.

I understand completely how you're feeling. I wish I had an answer but am experiencing similar feelings. Having had two siblings commit suicide keeps me from dumping the same grieve on my daughter. People commenting on this site just don't understand the level of pain one goes through when caring for a loved one, especially a difficult personality. I pray each night for the strength to continue and not to make this about me, but focus on the feelings and condition of my loved one.

Hi She1934 and Everyone...

First She1934 how are you doing? How are you holding up? Please let me know how you are doing.

Everyone....Suicide is a taboo subject in society, but not as bad as it used to be. In the 30 years that I have been caregiving, first with my parents (I was in my early 30's) and then with my honey, whose caregiver I have been in one form or another for 27 years it has been hard. The only thing that has kept me out of the dark places was love, my faith, my inner strength and my art. Though my family is few and not geographically close, I know they love me as even though my honey acts like a horse's patoot I know he loves me as well. My art...For me working on my paintings is where I can lose myself and forget any worries or woes. Though I have to admit that when stress is high my creativity seems to take a vacation, but it comes back like an old friend. I have paintings hanging in France, Ireland, England and throughout the US and feel very blessed for this and the many other things that I have to be thankful for.

I have learned since joining this forum that I have to make time for myself or I am no good to anyone or myself. And I think that is a major key as well as having a wonderful group of people to talk to who are going through something similar or the same as I am. It is also important to take time out if nothing else to take a few deep breaths to clear my head when things get overwhelming.

I hope this post has made sense. What I have written above and knowing the pain that suicide can bring to others I care about (plus losing a dear friend to suicide ) has kept me from visiting those dark places that can make life seem hopeless. Y'all have a good night!

There are still a few subjects in society that are ‘verboten’ and suicide is one of those. Health and social services people are trained to usually OVERREACT to the statement and therefore any honest discussion of the topic is impossible.

Mercy killing is OK to talk about, be voted on and performed but suicide cannot be acknowledged. Ridiculous....

The sadness, despair, the depth of feeling, the self-awareness that caregiving brings forth - it accumulates. And when the person I was providing care to proved to be shallow and petty - the intensity of my pain only increased because I knew I was nothing but a worker bee to her. I was giving of the best I had. I gave freely. I cared openly. But I was caring for someone who could not see any further than the end of her nose and who cared only about herself. This realization was devastating. It's been said on this forum that users/takers can sniff out people (like me) who will care to the point of self sacrifice. I do believe that caregivers share certain traits - ABUSED caregivers share certain other traits and it goes back to a lifelong pattern of trying to be a helper and needing to "matter" to someone and make a difference in the scheme of things. I ended up with all the pain. Mom (along with her sister who is just as bad) was calculating her next move. No one figured that one day I'd push back. The sadness and the outright violation of my good nature was beyond overwhelming. Words cannot describe it - this is something which must be felt to understand it. And feeling these emotions does make one want to disengage in whatever manner possible. I had to start treating caregiving like a "job" in order to get anything done. Mom is now in a facility. She is better than ever. I am struggling to regain my strength and be a human again. Take, take, take. It scares me that no one ever thought for a moment that the well would run dry. Other than basic POA items, I want nothing to do with this person. She's now trying to butter me up to get her out of the nursing home and into an apartment. Not going to happen. I don't feel like I can provide care to anyone ever again and that's sad to say.

A little bit off the main topic, but someone mentioned music. Listening to Luciana Pavarotti, or the Three Tenors or Il Volo are always soothing for me.

Or what I call "soaring" music - the Hallelujah Chorus, Schiller's Ode to Joy - they transport me beyond the confines and challenges of not only caregiving but daily living . I'm never depressed after listening to such magnificent music; singing it is even more powerful.

Decades ago I sang with a university chorus; our first performance was of Carmina Burana, a powerful masterpiece in its own right. For the encore, we sang the Hallelujah Chorus. The emotional and mental elevation of singing that powerful composition, to an audience, is beyond description. It's literally transcendent.

And then there's literature. I think if the well known observation that "Music hath charms to soothe the savage (sometimes read anxious) breast" were to be adapted, it could be read that "Music hath charms to soothe a depressed caregiver."

Similarly, I would alter "If music be the food of love, play on..." (omitting the fact that that particular discourse changes tone after this marvelous opening), I would write that "if music be the comfort (or soothing balm) of caregivers..."

(With apologies to Congreve and Shakespeare for alteration of these magnificent truisms)

Hi She1934, I especially wanted to tell you that you are doing the absolute best thing for yourself - talking about your thoughts. There are a lot of stories in the media this week about suicide prevention and many of them point out that talking about it actually saves lives.

I think it's also very common to experience a strong desire to "escape" or flee from an impossible situation. Our nervous systems are built for fight or flight, that is just how we are wired. Your situation of being a 24/7 caregiver for your dad has taken a tremendous toll on you physically and emotionally, so take moments whenever you can to recharge and reboot, even just a little bit. I have huge admiration and respect for what you are doing, it actually shows super human strength and resilience, more than you realize. Most people could not do what you do day in and day out.

When I dream lately, I often seem to have escape dreams with my running or fleeing or getting out of some prison. And I totally get that you feel like you are a prisoner, because I often feel so stuck too having a 24/7 caregiving situation. It sounds at some level that you might yearn for freedom more than escape, to feel free to do the things you enjoy and be fulfilled and happy. The one thing that has kept me sane is to find more of those moments where I feel like myself, whether it's enjoying nature or having lunch with a friend.

I agree with other posters that you need more caregiving support so you can do get out and do some of the things that bring you pleasure. Make a wish list of things you want to do or are passionate about, post it on some wall or bulletin board, and check off at least one item every week!

Keep posting and talking to all of us. Sending you hugs and love and so much appreciation for having this conversation.

I completely understand what your saying. I’ve felt these very same things. My situation is different than yours, but our pain is the same.

I pray. I pray through the darkness knowing if I can get through those hours of barely being able to breath thru the pain and heartache, it will get better. Even if it’s a little better, a little at a time. It always gets better, at least liveable, within hours of the darkest hours - that’s gotten me through a few of my lowest darkest times.

Do you have someone you can talk with, that too has felt like this? I think having someone, who has been there, understands and can listen without judgement, without taking over - just listen. That would be incredibly helpful. If you don’t, please message me. I’d be honored to be your shoulder and ear to lean on.

Also, for many years people have suggested journaling. I never really got into it. Recently? I wrote out my prayers - talking to “someone” takes a great deal of the pain off my heart, the worry, whatever is weighing so heavyily on me gets better, even so slightly if I write it all out as it flows from my brain. If it rambles. No one is going to read it. Just pour out your heart into the pages. That could give you enough relief, strength and hope to get to a safe spot.

When I’m that low, hurting that badly, my head is also spinning out of control with the pain, guilt, everything that’s wrong, my worries, etc. writing those out, stops the spinning, makes them seem more organized, you’ve thought each one through, it just, for me, has become quite therapeutic.

I’ll be praying for each of you. This is definitely a hard, long road.

yes. When I was taking care of my mother with Alzheimers I would imagine hanging myself. It took years for an opening at the home i wanted her to go to and I ended up calling the ambulance the last time she ran away. I had to save myself.... and i had to save her from my dark thoughts developing towards her :(

I feel for you and can relate ..at least to the constant struggle. Its really a roller coaster ride and your not the only one that just wants to jump off sometimes. Im very glad you have help , professional help though. Maybe what you need is a respite time , if you can afford it . Or at the least an adult day care. Im glad you have family help but try and get other help in.
There are definitly times i think i just cant do this all by myself one more day . But the next day gets better or the next. You might laugh . But there is this 'game" on the internet called " Secondlife" I go on there and just fine a beach and listen to beach sounds and gulls.. My secret get away from everything and everyone . You can go or do anything there . Dance , listen to concerts etc. Sometimes its a book . You need a different kind of escape

Maybe a stupid thought. But I’m living by it. I may be on the titanic, But I’ll be sure I’m on one of the life boats. This is hard. This is crazy hard. This has no end in sight . This will pass. I’m not sure if this will make me a better person. I really doubt that. But one day, I’ll have my life back on my terms. A week ago, I took my mother to the hairdresser, I had to make a call, I stepped outside for about a minute and a half. She couldn’t handle not seeing me . The salon has all glass windows. She was getting her hair rinsed. The hairdresser said she wanted me to move the chair , so she could see you. I was really upset over this. Like what the heck ? I can’t be out of sight for under 2 minutes. There’s a song from creed. Hold me now I’m 6 feet from the edge. So I tell my friend I’ve had since we were 13 , over 40 years ,, I feel that way. I told my husband, I told another friend. All offered extreme support. Not that I was suicidal, I just felt pushed beyond any coping mechanism I had internally. So I reached out and got support. We all have horrific days. We all have ok days. We also all have the immense burden of being on call 24/7. It takes a toll. But for me. No I won’t ever killl me. I love me. I’ve done a lot of really nice things for people and animals my whole life. All I can say is there will be better days. I think this is a great place for people to discuss the realities of feeling overwhelmed.

I should add I mean finish a chore or task that helps accomplish a goal you're
working towards. Not just day to day chore. I know those are endless :/

She1934 Its normal to feel despair and like giving up when the balance of positive to
negative tips so far towards the negative, or even not just negative, but a seemingly
endless round of chores with nothing else. When LO's are mired in negative, whether due to PD, disease, dementia, outlook, etc, and we're their lifeline and the only ones to
make it all better, it's vital we don't get sucked into it ourselves.

There are both online and phone support meetings, face to face meetings depending
on the area you're in for many types of issues. I use OA (overeaters anonymous) and it can be a life saver to hear other supportive voices when I'm feeling stuck and eating for comfort. Certain foods can leave me feeling sick and dangerously depressed.

Face to face meetings are wonderful, and depending on the area there are many types
of groups to get involved in. May be caregiver support groups in your area too.
Getting out in nature even just for short walks, gardening. Making something, even if it's just a nice meal, or accomplishing something, a puzzle, sewing project, building project,
even finishing a chore, can give a much needed boost to the spirit. Volunteering even
for an hour here or there can reconnect you to the outside world.


All of these types of things can bring a boost to the spirit. Try and find as many small
things you can include in your day to life your spirits and shift the focus towards
the positive and life affirming. It's really tough to do when you're so tired and just
wrung out. But it really does make a difference. Best wishes to you!!!! ((((hugs))))

I think that it is the way that She1934 asked the question: "have you as a caregiver, ever contemplated suicide?” and then her answer: “I ask this because I have. I THINK DAILY ABOUT ESCAPE" that set off alarm bells. I have heard similar sentences or comments from people prior to their attempt at suicide or during conversations with family or friends after someone has attempted suicide.

The forum has discussed suicide and depression many times and none of those posts set off alarm bells in me like SHe1934's initial comment did. I agree that the topic should not be off limits, it just happened that I found the wording of this post worrisome.

I am so sorry -you sound like you need hug and a change and someone to take care of you for a change-

Caregiving can be so lonely and isolating - that's how I felt anyway-I'm glad you have people who love you -keep them close-Especially if you have someone who you can laugh through the tears with you -if that makes sense -

Definitely, we can help one another. And the response you just posted helped me too, I read it and can relate for sure. It does feel like a literal asylum here sometimes dealing with a mom that struggles with paranoia and hearing voices. And you are so right, one day it's like, "Ok, I think I can make this work," and the next it's like, "Oh, Lord, how am I just gonna get through this day?"

It's grieving too, as you said, of what was, or maybe in some cases what never was, or the way things have gotten. So glad people like you and others share your stories and experiences, and I hope you'll keep coming here and let us know how you're doing. Your experience and journey can help us too.

I am so deeply appreciative of every response here-even the one about this not being an appropriate forum. I think I brought this up in light of the celebrity suicides of the past few days. These people had so much and yet one was debilitated by Lewy Body and we don't know much about the second. But I believe we must address the issue. I believe that we can, as caregivers, truly help each other. We are not, for the most part, "professionals", but we are living with this reality. Sometimes we are sitting with a loved one thinking "wow! I finally have a handle on this!" "I've read the books, gone to the support group, talked to a counselor, appreciated the relationship we shared for many years, have at least some family support-I've got this!" Then all h*ll breaks loose and the magic mirror shatters. It's a bit like a sane person who has been locked in an asylum with no doors but with unbreakable windows that taunt you with what life can be as happy people pass by. There are rare moments, glimpses of what was, but will never be again. That is a reality of many, I believe.