Follow
Share

With a healty dose of resentment and guilt, which isn't healthy at all! Mom is 94, and can't speak after a stroke 2 years ago. Has been in LTC for 4 years, and is diminishing very slowly. I am her sole support and relative. I have to drag myself physically for a visit. It's all "you're such a good daughter", blah blah blah. I quietly dealt with my own breast cancer last year, maybe that's feeding into the feeling that my empathy is slamming shut.

Find Care & Housing
I am dealing now with my second breast cancer. The first was beaten back 38 years ago. Am 82. I get it. You have little energy left for others when you are facing life or death. I am uncertain what "time" looks like now for your mother, but clearly she loves your visits and is appreciative of them.

Dragging yourself in is likely about all the energy you can muster now, because for a while everything is "dragging" to this or that. If there is depression involved for you do see someone for a little therapy to get some tricks to get through; I am doing that. Also decide if a support group would work for you. I have had several choices, but my history as an RN makes me want to try to become everyone's caregiver, and give way too much advice to others, instead of sharing and ACCEPTING support.

I am glad your Mom is in care. Life has a way of throwing hard stuff. Seek all the support you can for yourself, wherever you can find it. Keep visits to Mom short.
I am so sorry. You aren't alone in your struggles for sure. I am welcoming you to the Forum and invite you to stick around and read and share.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report

'Compassion Fatigue'. My Doctor told me it' s a real thing. Also that 'self care' IS needed, not just useful.

Finding the right support, be that from friends, forums or paid councellor may help. A good listening post is good, but making steps towards positive changes is even better. Reconnecting to things you used to love to do, or finding new hobbies, finding something that adds a little fun to your life. This apparently changes our brain - 'Neuro-plasticity'.

I am struggling some days more that others, but trying to stay positive. Pop my vitamin D, keep walking & do something for me everyday (even just listening to a podcast). Then visits are just one of the things I do in the week (not the focus).
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Beatty
Report

I don’t want to visit my mother either and I don’t feel bad about it; hang in there, you have valid feelings
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to rtmontoya2
Report
KLR212 Jun 15, 2025
Do you think you’ll regret it after she dies?
(1)
Report
See 4 more replies
((((hugs)))) Give yourse;f a break. Don't visit if you don't feel up to it emotionally. Your wellbeing is what counts now, You are burnt out and need to attend to yourself. You need your own support.

My relationship with my mother was always strained -she had a serious mental illness (Borderline Personality Disorder). I agreed to be POA but did it from a distance and only visited a few times a year. She was well cared for, which was my job to oversee, but I couldn't spend much time actually with her - too much stress for me.

Numb means your feelings are shutting down. That's not healthy for you, Do you have a therapist or counsellor? Nevermind the "You're such a good daughter" stuff. or the one that got me -"She's lucky to have you." Yeah right, What about what's good for me?

Look after yourself first. Your mom is cared for in LTC. Your priority now is your own mental and physical health.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to golden23
Report

Don't drag yourself. You don't have to visit everyday and you don't have to stay long. I visited everyday when Mom was in an AL only because she was literally up the street. I would be out and stop in. No more than 30 min. Unless they were having entertainment, then I stayed. When she was transferred to LTC in another town, it was everyother day. She had Dementia so she really had no idea if or when I had been there. My daughter, RN in a NH, told me I didn't have to do everyother day. Be a presence so staff knows Mom is not alone.

Mom is safe. Take a vacation. Sometimes its good to get away, even for a weekend. Just take a week off and do things for yourself.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

What you're feeling is normal and nothing to feel guilty about. I have 2 brothers, who are helpful, and it's still hard for me. I can't imagine having it all on just one person like you're doing.

If you're "dragging" yourself to visit, maybe it's time to cut down the visits for awhile. Trying to visit when you're feeling dragged won't benefit your mother, because she can feel the negative energy.

The stress is taking a toll on you, and the cancer was a wake up call that it's time to make yourself your priority. Your mother has lived her life and is in a safe place.  You matter too!
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Dogwood63
Report

I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine dealing with it for 4 years. I’m a few months in and I’m about to lose my mind.

in getting advice from others who’ve been through it and wise ones on this forum, recognizing your limitations is essential and it is OK. She is cared for. There is no play book for this and no two journeys are alike. I’m trying to learn this as we speak and it’s not easy but there is peace to be had - you just have to find it.

May you find the peace and comfort you need.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Waghmg
Report

Thanks you so much. Been putting of support as it feels like just another thing on the list. Reading the Forum already helps.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to MnCrabby
Report
Mickey2942 Jun 15, 2025
I find it difficult to visit my spouse. I keep visits pretty brief. Going every day was too much for me. Do what works for you. Give yourself a break.
(3)
Report
You are on the cusp of a nervous breakdown. Please reach out to some providers and get the help you deserve to have.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Bulldog54321
Report
Dawn88 Jun 15, 2025
I agree with this 100%.
You have your own problems (with no help) and Mom is already being cared for in LTC. Mom is 94 and has had a long life.
(3)
Report
You seem depressed
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to MACinCT
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter