My husband of 35+ years passed away a year ago. His half-sister (lives in the same town a few blocks away), hasn't reached out to me since he passed and, well, throughout his life and the 35+ years of our marriage, she didn't embrace a relationship with him or his family (me or his children). Oh, she pretended to "love" them during family get-togethers, but aside from that, she didn't include him in the family. She wants others to believe she does so when we were together at family outings, she made a big deal (hugs, sweet voice, missing you sentiments) so everyone thinks she is kind to him (us).
But, during the memorial service and thereafter, not one word to me since his passing. Not one. She did lament to someone (at a bar over her sixth beer) that she doesn't know why I hate her. That I haven't called her since her brother died. Whatever. The reason for this question is...I will be seeing her this weekend for the first time in over a year. I plan on being very cordial, nice to see you, blah blah blah. But after that, what in the world do I say? I KNOW she will ask: How have you been? in her oh-so-sweet voice. Let me say that in the 30+ years that we were married, in the first 10 or so, I went overboard to become part of her life...trying to get the children together for play dates, to movies, to shopping and other attempts to become a "sister-in-law" and part of the family. ALL attempts were ignored. Not once did she take me up on any of it. So after a while, I just stopped. I had my husband and children, my mom, dad, sister, etc. When his family had outings and get-togethers, we'd of course join, but aside from these 3 or 4 events throughout the year, nadda.
At first, I was really hurt, but after more than 10 years, I just didn't care any more! So, no, I don't hate her. I really don't spend my precious time on her at all. I still feel badly that she hurt her brother all those years, but now that he's gone, I don't feel any obligation to her. Throughout the years, I have had several friends and family who lost a sister, brother, best friend. My M.O. is to call the person left behind. Take them to dinner. Find out how they are and if they need anything. It's what a person does. We console each other. The fact that she was "waiting" for me to call her and that she hasn’t called me (texted or sent a card) after he passed just reinforces her narcissism. Yes, he was her brother, but she never had time for him while he was alive.
On the other hand, he was my husband, my friend, my every day. I miss him and our life every day. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him...sometimes to growl at him! :-) I have my children, grandchildren, friends--all of whom embrace my sorrow, have been there in the good and bad times and who all have tried and succeeded in making life after his passing as pleasant as they can. Seriously. I don't give her a thought. She just wasn't part of my life for a good 30 years. Wow. It could have and should have been better, but that was her choice. He and I have a loving family unit. My entire family embraced him. He was an easy person to love. Now that he is no longer here, I’ve chosen not to be part of her "family". I think it’s funny that she is pretending that it bothers her, but that’s how she gets other people (her people) to feel sorry for her. It’s always about her, you know. She needs the attention, so that is the story she is spinning. That I am the one who hasn’t kept in touch with her. Anyway, any advice on how I should conduct myself? Just be nice is my motto, but believe me, it won't be easy. (PS: I wouldn't be thinking of her now, but this little get-together is being hosted by my children. I feel I have to go...or I would make an excuse not to go!)
Of course, I attended my daughter’s get together at the lake (with my husband’s side of the family). I did have to take a deep breath when I saw SIL walking toward the picnic area. I didn’t seek her out and busied myself setting up the food table. It only took five minutes or so before she made it to the table. I turned and she was there. She gave me a hug and said “It’s good to see you”. I just smiled. She chattered on about the drive, how she got lost, blah, blah. As she chattered and giggled, I moved away to continue my busy work (she was getting attention from others around the area, so I could ease away without being rude :-). I wasn’t around her much that day as I stayed in the area with my family while she was busy making sure everyone knew how busy she’s been in her “semi” retirement. If she was nearby, I may have heard a few words, but I would quietly move away. My grandchildren were there, so it was easy to move toward one of them. They always welcome my attention! She did say a few words to me and when she did, I responded pleasantly and with a smile. Honestly, I treated her as I would an acquaintance I hadn’t seen in a while. Which is exactly what she is…to me. Even at that, she never did ask me how I’ve been and certainly didn’t apologize for not keeping in touch. I lost my husband and I'm still missing him, the times that were and the times we'll never have again. But, I'm blessed with wonderful children, extended family and many friends who fill my life in other ways. To this day, if I haven’t seen an acquaintance in a while, they will ask me how I’m doing. Co-workers still ask. People that knew my husband, but didn’t know me well—ask me how I am and tell me how much they miss him. But her. Nada. It boggles my mind.
I’m so relieved this moment is over. I made it through the “first” encounter and now, future encounters should be a lot easier on my mind! Thank you all for your support and words of wisdom. Your thoughts mirrored mine and truly gave me confidence to face the situation, my head held high and yes, who cares what anyone else thinks. Her story won’t be as it happened, it will be twisted so she is the beleaguered one, but she needs her story to justify her actions. I’m so glad you all were here for me. I MADE IT THROUGH THE DAY!
As a side note, her husband sat with me at several times that day (when I had a moment to sit) and he talked about my husband, asked me how I was doing—knowing that it must still be hard. I’m sure she drilled him for information on the drive home. That makes me smile.
So everything is fine. just fine, working out just fine, amazing since we last spoke, just fine.AND then flip her two questions in the one sentence.. Have them ready, like How are your children and the dogs and what is your husband doing now. and just stare with that smile, dont show the top teeth, just a little opening. and smile and stare her out.
Have fun my dear, and Im sure your husband will be sitting on your shoulder agreeing with the FINE..
I worked in the hospital when I was really unwell and I knew that the HR team thought they would be able to flick me off the staff list. EVERY morning as I arrived for work the B*** was walking down the corridor and would step into my space and ask me how I was.. My response was" Perfect thankyou". and walk on.
She tried to stop me and ask what I meant by perfect. I did the double question thing... "Thank you for asking it means just that, and what do you think you will do with the information and you dont need to ask me daily or are you keeping a diary.?"
she never spoke to me again. I was neither polite or rude, just pretended she didnt know my conversation.
Some blistering sisterly in laws are not worth the oxygen let alone the thought
Cheers on being brave enough not to allow her to ruin your day