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My husband of 35+ years passed away a year ago. His half-sister (lives in the same town a few blocks away), hasn't reached out to me since he passed and, well, throughout his life and the 35+ years of our marriage, she didn't embrace a relationship with him or his family (me or his children). Oh, she pretended to "love" them during family get-togethers, but aside from that, she didn't include him in the family. She wants others to believe she does so when we were together at family outings, she made a big deal (hugs, sweet voice, missing you sentiments) so everyone thinks she is kind to him (us).


But, during the memorial service and thereafter, not one word to me since his passing. Not one. She did lament to someone (at a bar over her sixth beer) that she doesn't know why I hate her. That I haven't called her since her brother died. Whatever. The reason for this question is...I will be seeing her this weekend for the first time in over a year. I plan on being very cordial, nice to see you, blah blah blah. But after that, what in the world do I say? I KNOW she will ask: How have you been? in her oh-so-sweet voice. Let me say that in the 30+ years that we were married, in the first 10 or so, I went overboard to become part of her life...trying to get the children together for play dates, to movies, to shopping and other attempts to become a "sister-in-law" and part of the family. ALL attempts were ignored. Not once did she take me up on any of it. So after a while, I just stopped. I had my husband and children, my mom, dad, sister, etc. When his family had outings and get-togethers, we'd of course join, but aside from these 3 or 4 events throughout the year, nadda.


At first, I was really hurt, but after more than 10 years, I just didn't care any more! So, no, I don't hate her. I really don't spend my precious time on her at all. I still feel badly that she hurt her brother all those years, but now that he's gone, I don't feel any obligation to her. Throughout the years, I have had several friends and family who lost a sister, brother, best friend. My M.O. is to call the person left behind. Take them to dinner. Find out how they are and if they need anything. It's what a person does. We console each other. The fact that she was "waiting" for me to call her and that she hasn’t called me (texted or sent a card) after he passed just reinforces her narcissism. Yes, he was her brother, but she never had time for him while he was alive.


On the other hand, he was my husband, my friend, my every day. I miss him and our life every day. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him...sometimes to growl at him! :-) I have my children, grandchildren, friends--all of whom embrace my sorrow, have been there in the good and bad times and who all have tried and succeeded in making life after his passing as pleasant as they can. Seriously. I don't give her a thought. She just wasn't part of my life for a good 30 years. Wow. It could have and should have been better, but that was her choice. He and I have a loving family unit. My entire family embraced him. He was an easy person to love. Now that he is no longer here, I’ve chosen not to be part of her "family". I think it’s funny that she is pretending that it bothers her, but that’s how she gets other people (her people) to feel sorry for her. It’s always about her, you know. She needs the attention, so that is the story she is spinning. That I am the one who hasn’t kept in touch with her. Anyway, any advice on how I should conduct myself? Just be nice is my motto, but believe me, it won't be easy. (PS: I wouldn't be thinking of her now, but this little get-together is being hosted by my children. I feel I have to go...or I would make an excuse not to go!)

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I think you are correct in ur thinking. Her sincerity is for show. I have been there. I have 4 SILs all by marriage. My DH had brothers and me too. I get along with 2 and don't with two. The SIL my age has never treated my BILs side well. Its always her family. After a visit some 30 yrs ago, I refused to visit again. It took the wedding of their son for us to travel the 12 hrs. We were going to stay in a motel but BIL insisted we stay at their home. The morning after the wedding, we were literally pushed out the front door. They had visitors coming. Yep, long time again before we visited. My SIL is a condescending person. You are just waiting for the shoe to fall. Other SIL probably 16 yrs younger than me so maybe that was the problem. My oldest was 20 when her oldest was born. As time went on, we were invited to less and less. The last Xmas we were invited, everyone there got some kind of gift...but me. Was an awkward situation. Never could understand the dislike. Neither could my other brother. My DH, this kind of stuff doesn't bother him.

Lets just say its a personality thing. Haven't you met someone that u just don't like. They didn't do anything, u just didn't like them.

Me, I would go to the party and be my friendly little self. Allow her to hug you and put on a show. When she says why haven't you called her, with a smile tell her that goes both ways. Then enjoy the party. If someone says anything to you again about you not calling SIL, tell them the relationship was not that close in the 30yrs u were married to her brother.
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You don't like this woman, and it sounds as if at bottom the feeling is mutual. That's fine. You don't have to be nice, let alone cordial; just be civil so that nobody suffers embarrassment and nothing detracts from the real purpose of the occasion.
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Yes, you two apparently do not like one another, and apparently that isn't a change; you never did like one another. That's OK. Not everyone likes everyone else. You are correct. She will say "How are you", and you will say "Fine, thank you, and how are you". And she will say "How have you been" and you will say "OK", and then just say "Nice to see you" and move on. She apparently was never overly fond of her brother, either. Or the kids. Just treat her like the acquaintance that she is. It isn't a contest to see who was right and who was wrong, who is good and who is evil, who is responsible and who is not. It is time to move gently away from it. You have not missed her. She hasn't missed you. She isn't familiy.She never was to you. So just move gently and quietly and kindly on.
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Maybe she won't show up. Family stuff is strange. You got her answer years ago. She isn't interested in being your friend. I can't think why you would want to bother with her. Maybe as a link to your husband? Maybe she didn't like him or was jealous of him. Who knows? I have seen what I would say is a power struggle once a person forms their own family, that it more important than the one they came from. As a widow, you are really out ot that family. But you have your children and their families. Feel free to ignore her.
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If you are close to anyone in that family ... they know her and will know her show.

As for you, don't worry about what anyone else thinks if they are not close to you. As far as she goes, just act like you are fine and keep to pleasantries out in public.

If she, or anyone asks why you have not called her, or them, your answer is simple ... "I've been grieving for my husband of 30 years, so I'm taking time to care for myself right now, not other people. Any of you are welcome to call me anytime." Then move away.

The main thing is I recommend you maintain at least neutral ties and not start a family battle. They are your children's relatives and their tie to their dad's side of the family. So however nice it would be to stick it to her, it's ultimately not in the best interests of your children's long-term family ties. Just put it in neutral, and then you can stand back and laugh at all their antics.
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After the initial pleasantries of "Hello and how nice of you to come" you are under no obligation to actually have a conversation with her. When she tries to stir up a conversation with you, which she does for show, smile and say "please excuse me" and go talk to someone you haven't seen in a while or use the powder room and take a 5-minute self-imposed time out. I would not let this woman drive you away from your own children's get together.
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This get together is being hosted by your children, so just let them and the reason for the event be what you focus your time and attention on. Take a deep breath and smile cordially when she approaches you, and keep your verbal exchange very brief. If needed, come up with something in advance that you have to check on or talk to another person who you have not seen in years. I agree with the other replies about how to respond to her question on why you have not called her. Nobody can argue with "Since my husband died I have been so busy getting things in order" ... and then "Oh, there's Susan who I must say hello to, but so nice to see you again" and then just avoid her the rest of the day. If anyone else inquires about your level of contact with her, just claim ignorance and shrug and change the subject.
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Thank you all for the level headed responses. You're the best! I am taking advantage of this logic, taking deep breaths and smiling. I had already planned on being nice, but now I have some lovely responses to avoid a very awkward silence (as I'm sure there would have been). The best to all of you...sending a lot of hugs :-)
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JoAnn29 Sep 2019
Always be the nice one.
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I need more info. Did she and your husband have some kind of unknown fallout that caused this level of distance? How did your husband feel about her?
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You have 3 Choices...

#1. Like you already said, just be nice and Cordial.

It's only a get together and keep in mind it probably won't happen again in a long time.

Dont' worry about what she tells others and don't even bother trying to defend yourself to others.

If they know the woman, then they already know how she is.

#2. Tell her nicely exactly how you feel and what you think.

#3. If you can't do #1 or #2, then Don't Go.
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Sometimes it's as simple as being cordial ,and whatever questions she may ask answer them as you normally would to anyone else.Excuse yourself and mingle.

You control the narrative.I to tried to have more than a cordial relationship with my now deceased SIL for over 20 years.

My brother also passed prior to her passing.Five years prior,but she was as Lucy would say to Charlie Brown wishy- washy.

I tried for the last time after my brother passed for my niece and nephew as well as my brother.I would say a good year maybe a bit less it looked like we were making progress.Then back to the same.

I leave you with a quote from one of my favorite poets Dr Maya Angelou..When a person shows you who they are believe them.
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She doesn’t matter! You decide how you will behave around her. She can do whatever she wants, that you have no control over. However, you have control over yourself. Her sweet facade? Let it be. You don’t have to play her game. Don’t allow this woman to have any power over you.
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Just act like you saw her yesterday - and let it go.

There could be skeletons in the closet that you really Really don't want to know about. 'nuff said.

Just treat her like any neighbor you might run into at the grocery.

My DH of 33 years passed away in May of last year. His family never felt like My family and his children never accepted me as Dad's Wife.

I don't miss them. I'm polite when the oldest texted me (twice) and that's about it. When I saw him last September, I told him we would never see each other again and I was right. It's ok. I have no need to "reach out" to him or his siblings; I was married to Dad and the love of my life came to the end of his road.

Be yourself. I don't know where this comes from but "Be True To Yourself" and don't worry about her or anyone else.
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Be nice. Be brief. And move on. She’s shown you exactly who she is so believe her. As for what anyone else thinks, who cares? You shouldn’t
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You don't need to feel awkward when you see her. Say hello. If she asks how you are, say you miss your husband, but can't talk about it, then excuse yourself to go talk to someone else or get a snack, or whatever. Just stay centered. You know who you are. You know who she is. There is no confusion. But do not stand in conversation with her as if nothing has gone on. The less said, the better. It's never been a friendship.
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My divorced aunt, her ex-husband and his current wife, all come to parties hosted by their grown children. She is ever so sweet to everyone, including the ex and his wife. Her motto is honey attracts bees more than vinegar. And probably, another reason which she doesn't say, but by being nice, she makes the current wife fumes on the inside because the current wife has nothing bad to say about the ex-wife.

I know it must be incredibly difficult to be nice/cordial to people we don't like. I am not sure I could do that myself.

You did say you would be nice and cordial. That's all you should do. Give the SIL no reason to talk bad about your conduct at the family get together.

As for what to say after the usual greetings, how about something neutral like the weather, the food at the party, the latest sales at some stores, Or you can just stay silent for a few seconds and let her either come up with a topic or excuse herself.
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So many issues over such a long period. A couple of things to remember when dealing with difficult people - and all of them have to deal with boundaries -

1. Never lie about a situation. Stick to the truth at all times.

2. You choose who to have in your life and so does the other person. You show this in how you spend your time - letters, phone calls, get togethers, etc.

3. Be the better person - be kind, be gracious, be loving, but don't be a doormat.

4. Figure out what are the "difficult behaviors" - the ones that drive you nuts.

5. Decide in advance what you will do when a "difficult behavior" shows up: maybe it's to walk away, maybe it's to say that you don't see things "their way", maybe it's to have a polite but firm response of what you will and will not do...

5. I'm a person of faith, so I'm a huge fan of prayer to God. Ask Him for help. Let go of the past for Him to deal with as well as to deal with her. Live in joy and freedom to be your best self.
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Just a thought...don't approach her, allow her to approach you. If she doesn't, your free and clear.

I have talked about a "friend" who left me a nasty message about not making her aware of certain get togethers knowing she needed transportation. I had no idea what she was talking about. Tried to call her back, couldn't leave a message, so I texted her. Never heard from her . This was April. Before caring for Gson and Mom, I did a lot for her. Tired of her Drama. She has other friends, so I have chose to step away. My class had a 70th BD party and she was brought by friends. I said Hi when I passed her but I didn't go out of my way. Do I feel guilty, no. I feel guilty because I don't feel guilty. My friend is where she is in life. No, not her fault she has Parkinson's but her fault that her two boys aren't there for her.
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I am sorry for the loss of your husband.
I completely get your situation because my SIL sounds just like yours. In our case, SIL avoids us completely. In public, she is all about family. It is hard, especially because we know she actually bad mouths us. It is hard not to care what she says. At this point, I figure whoever buys what SIL dishes out does not know the real SIL and does not know us. And I don't think that they matter.
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There's going to be times when you could be around anyone that you know, but not necessarily on an everyday-best friend relationship. You treat those people kindly, right? Same here. She is not your friend - just someone you know. If she chose not to have a close relationship with her brother/his family, that's on her. Not you.

Go to the gathering. Be polite/cordial and move on to other guests. If she says anything about you not calling her all this time, just say something like I guess both of us have let too much time pass without contact...call me sometime and we can talk.

At the get together, there's probably other folks that will attend that you aren't everyday chummy with. We don't choose to be in close relationships with everyone we meet and same for others. Chit-chat, be friendly and move on. You already know how to conduct yourself and probably didn't need to ask us! Have fun at the party.
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my2cents Sep 2019
This post got me to thinking. Your very second sentence of the post said she has not called since your husband passed. Maybe both of you are waiting for the other to call.

Used to work with a woman who would get in a bad mood early in the morning and would say - I just walked all the way over to the other side of the building and not one person said 'good morning'. For a long time, I simply said something like, I'm sorry or that's not good, etc. Finally one day my little lightbulb switched on. Nearly everyone will respond if you say something to them, so I tried another tactic. The next time she said it, I asked her if she said hello to anyone that she passed in the hall. She said no. I said, well that meant two people passed without speaking. She started to get angry and then began laughing about it. Said she never thought about it that way.
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Accept the situation for what it is now, and was--nothing has changed except the loss of a shared person that "connected" you originally.  There was no connection.  Why would there be now?  Act the way you did when your husband was alive and you had to deal with things then as you are now having to deal with things.
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You'll never regret being the nice one.

My relationship with various in laws runs from very friendly to 'I hate you'. (Not from my lips)--really, my MIL has said that to me umpteen times. It's kind of loosing it's 'power'.

Took me almost 40 years to realize that some people just can't be 'won over' and maybe that's for the best.

BTW, it was not your place to reach out to her after your hubby's passing. It was hers. I don't know why people would even think that a grieving widow should be spending her time and energy trying to comfort/engage with others.

Reminds me of my MIL when her ex (my FIL) died. extremely acrimonious divorce and so much nastiness and venom from her we just had to be very blunt with her and tell her to grow up and SHUT UP. After FIL died, she refused to even come to the viewing or funeral and was angry that people didn't send her flowers or something to show their 'sympathy'. Good heavens, she's lambasted this poor man for 50+ years and she wonders why nobody is acknowledging her 'widowhood'...Dh finally had it out with her and said to stop the crocodile tears and grow up. Every conversation with her takes a turn at some point and she needs to be the 'victim' and we're all just sick to death of it.

People are weird. Just accept that. Sounds like SIL is not going to come to terms--maybe she's grieving, maybe she's a narcissists and enjoys the "oh you poor thing' that comes with a death in the family. IDK.

Just be nice. If she bugs you, walk away. You'll be so much better off for not acknowledging her.
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One of the privileges of age is that you can do and say whatever you want as long as you do it nicely. Take advantage!
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IMHO, you should go to this gathering. And why? Well, if you don't go, you would essentially be regretting it. Go so that you'll be able to hold your head high. Prayers to you.💞
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Behave cordially.
But keep in mind, the phone works both ways,
If she causes you discomfort, you can say this to her.
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Just be nice. Don’t say anything you’ll regret.

You don’t need friends like her (and you never have).

Other people also see her for who she really is. Don’t worry about what they think.
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Be yourself. You'll regret it if you act out at a family event. You do not owe her anything so say hello and keep on walking. Good luck and I'm so sorry for your loss.
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I'm not clear on how your husband got along with his half-sister...that would be more telling...and the question best served would be how would your husband have handled this situation...

My short answer to you would be to be true to yourself first. If you 'must' attend a function in which her presence is unavoidable, then think about how being around the main group would feel without her and continue in that vein...as for her, as you said, be cordial and 'friendly' but don't be a phony and pretend that she's your long lost friend/sister and that you have to spend inordinate amount of time being sociable with her...if you've had nothing to say to her all these years, you can't change that in an evening's time. Enjoy yourself being sociable with those that return your charm and have a good time...perhaps she'll get the clue that she's not all that important in your life.
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People must face facts. Sometimes they marry into families or get involved with relationships where other family members are involved and sometimes those families don't like you. There is not much to be done - you try and try and it just does not work (I know - I had that happen to me). Be strong. Accept that it is what it is. Walk away, never look back. Go on and make a better life for yourself. It is a bit hard and takes time but it is wonderful when it happens. Forget those who mistreat you - they are not worth your time and energy.
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You are saying that you just don't care any more so i would ask, if that is the truth, then why are you putting some much time and emotion into talking about this and if your other relationships with family and friends are so fulfilling, then let it go. Go to the get together, smile, say Hello and move on to another person, If you keep protesting to others about her treatment of you, they are going to start wondering why you are continuing to beat "this dead horse." I have 3 step children who couldn't be bothered to come see their dad when he was dying from Alz. They even went to an atty. to try to say I coherced their dad into making out his will so that they would get all of his estate and I would get nothing. After good counseling, I just have nothing to do with them. They will get some of the estate, just not all of it.
People like that are toxic and you don't need toxic relationships . You need strong ones, healthy ones. Please just know that if you let this go you will be better off. Ask yourself what is you are trying to prove in wanting a relationship with someone who has spent all these years treating you badly. What do you hope to prove and why?
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