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My husband has been offered a side job out of state at a premium wage. I need space from him to focus. I want him to go. He says he cannot because I swore at the Alexa over her Sunday and she heard and I would need to pick up the slack. I can not. Today he texted me, she is on a blood pressure pill a half a day, the facility did not see the "1/2" only saw 2 and gave her 2 pills a day.



My therapist says I am up to 43% mobility in my arm so I can not do very much.



I can not take care of her and he cannot not go if I can't. What do you do?

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In all the time we have been dealing with my FIL and his unbelievably narcissistic, abusive behavior and over the top needs I've thought there couldn't be anyone as bad as he is - but I continue to be schooled that there are way worse situations than ours out there.

@MILHell - every time I read one of your posts I find myself feeling this overwhelming sense of claustrophobia and need to run - for you. I can't tell if your DH just doesn't get that he is pushing responsibilities off on you so that he feels like HE gets credit for them or if he has some overwhelming sense of duty and guilt that HE has to assuage and he is channeling/delegating that to you for some reason. In either case - I just don't even know what the right answer is.

I don't jump quickly to ending a relationship ever. But it seems to me that he doesn't have the ability HEAR anything you say when it comes to her. And this facility she is in sounds horrifying. And as if they are creating far more problems than they are addressing and she needs to be out of there yesterday. I'm actually happy to hear that she is in the hospital. This is an excellent time for everyone to reevaluate finding somewhere else for her to live (NOT WITH YOU!!!) She needs to be in a SKILLED nursing facility that can actually address ALL of her needs, so that no one from the family is having to make any medication runs or 4am wound runs - they should be able to address her needs period.

YOU need a full time break from MIL care. If your family needs the additional funds that your DH can bring in from taking that out of state job - he needs to make YOUR family a priority.

This situation CAN be righted but everyone needs to be on the same page and you need to be out of the equation altogether as a solution for their problems.
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The OP has reported that the Medicaid Caseworker would not approve transfer of the patient to a Nursing home. The caseworker seems to be some sort of gatekeeper.

Look, getting an elderly, not so cooperative indigent patient decent care IS rocket science, especially if you don't have friends, family and colleagues who've been down the path before.

In my case, I have friends who are nurses, social workers and geriatrics M.D.s. We had good doctors, stellar discharge planners AND mom was private paying, so no Medicaid snafus. I have 2 cooperative loving brothers AND a brilliant MBA sister in law who managed my mom's money.

AND I still ended up in tears at least once a week, on the phone, at work, trying to manage mom's meds, PT, dental and audiology appointments and other 'little things'. No one was asking me to show up to give insulin shots or clean bedsores.

This is a tough system to navigate for anybody. Have some compassion. And please remember that the OP has not a shred of say-so in any of this. It's her DH who is the POA and he doesn't listen.
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Isthisrealyreal Oct 2022
Amen.

I think we forget how traumatizing this whole aging care can be.
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MIL needs to be in a Nursing Home with professional staff. DH needs to make that his priority and stop blaming you for everything that goes wrong.
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"I can not take care of her and he cannot not go if I can't. What do you do?"

Break this down;
1. "I can not take care of her" FACT. Tell DH. On repeat.

2. "he cannot not go if I can't"
You mean he thinks he can't go without you being backup, right?
Rubbish. He CAN go. He CAN make OTHER arrangements.

3. "What do you do?"
Communicate the above FACT & FICTION clearly to your DH.
Ask if he understands you?
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You cannot care for your MIL. You also do not want to care for her either and none here can fault you for that. She may need more care and need to go to a nursing home.
I want to tell you some honesty. Your husband is making you a convenient scapegoat. You're unable to take on the additional care his mother needs. Therefore it's your fault he can't take the job in the other state. He never wanted to take the job in the first place. Also, you want him to go.
How about the two of you start being honest with each other because your marriage is on the rocks.
When the scapegoating and knit-picking start, that's when it's scraping the iceberg. I was married twice and this is the truth. My first husband would always tell me I was the reason why he drank. The reason he drank was because he was an alcoholic with a thousand years of alcoholic family history back in Poland and in the U.S. It's the scapegoating.
See if your husband would go to marriage counseling with you. It's time for your MIL to be put on the back burner.
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I would have gone over this Caseworkers head long ago. Bedsores are very serious. A wound care Nurse should have been caring for them. As said, you can't remove these meds cold turkey. This place needs the State to get in there and investigate. DH needs to speak to this Caseworkers supervisor or higher about the care his Mom is being given. If they are not capable of giving insulin shots and caring for bedsores, then this is not the place MIL needs to be. The family is not responsible for seeing its done.

I don't care how mean and nasty you are, no one deserves this kind of treatment. People on Medicaid should not be treated any different than those private paying.

Hopefully now MIL will be placed in the appropriate place. If so, all her needs will be met. She will have 3 meals a day. Her sores looked after and insulin given on time. Laundry done. Activities, Socialization, Entertainment. Doctor on staff. Dentist and eye doctor. Your husband will have the option to visit or not. You never have to see her again.

Once everything settles down, you can start making decisions on the way you want to take your life. I think for the marriage to work, you will need some counseling. If Mom is well cared for in another facility, that stressor is gone. But, even if this marriage goes on, I think you need a job. I think you need to save that money. DH needs to know that you have the ability to walk away anytime.
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My Dh rode me for YEARS about helping to care for his mom. And I did EVERYTHING he asked of me. Sure made HIM look good!

And I blindly just did it, despite the fact she hates me with a grand passion.

2 years ago I walked out of her home, and told her I was divorcing her and to NEVER ask me to do a single thing for her again. (There is a 45 yo backstory you wouldn't believe if I told you.)

Dh was FURIOUS, I was supposed to be as involved in her care as he was. Well, I asked him how long had it been since he saw/took care of MY mother and it had been over 5 years since he'd even seen her. I told him his mom was toxic (he knows this) and she barely can stand HIM, so why should I put myself in a position to be run down, shouted at and harassed? I said "If this means so much to you, to have this downtrodden, beaten up wife b/c you don't have the b@lls to stand up to her, then let's divorce and you can see how lovely THAT would be. I DO support you. I just don't do hands on for her and I NEVER will".

He is still mad at me and thinks I am selfish and he can think that if he wants to. I truly do not care.

Your DH is playing you and that makes my blood boil. He should cleave unto YOU and then mom. My own son puts his wife in front of ME and that is how I want it!!!

Do NOT let him guilt you into doing anything you don't feel is right. Including CG for a woman who doesn't appreciate you.
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sp19690 Oct 2022
Your DH is a grade A a**hole.
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Hi, MILHell. If I recall correctly, your in-laws have MIL at some kind of weird facility where one staff person is SCUBA-certified and little else and they couldn’t administer MIL’s meds and you had to pick up the slack. Is that still happening?

Glad to hear your arm is improving. 😊
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Milhell,

Your mil needs a skilled nursing facility licensed to give injections, and check for and prevent bedsores. Not some care home that tells families to bring food when something happens to their kitchen.

There is no hurry to rush your recovery, neither physically nor mentally. In fact, the more time you give dh and mil to figure it out without you, the more likely they will.

Use this excuse as long as you can.
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Mil, see if you can convince dh to talk to SW at the hospital to explain how bad this facility is, and how desperately this woman needs a NH.

The doctor's response to husband's suggestion to "take her off everything" should have neen a discussion about hospice, not anger.

Something is very wrong with this picture.
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