She wants to move back to her own home and care for herself. I do not agree and believe she will not get the care she needs. She wants to terminate my POA
If your mother is competent you don't have any control over her decision to move home. You just don't have to help. I would inform her to go ahead but you are unable to help care for her. She's on her own with this.
She can’t do much with out me. She can’t drive or unable to understand how to use the Internet even to order food. I would just be dropping her off in hopes my brothers care for her or check on her.
HotHouseFlower is correct. Your Mom's future placement or lack of it is dependent on whether or not you are her POA and are so acting according to her documents because your mother is no longer competent to safely make her own decisions. As long as there is no court actions declaring your mom incompetent she has a right to change her POA to anyone else at any time, and to remove herself from care.
I would make it crystal clear that if these threats continue you will not only be glad to be fired, but you will RESIGN by letter, and that you will step away from any and all care. Do not enable an unsafe action. Often seniors are not judged incompetent. Courts are VERY reluctant to take a citizen's right from them. She may soon endanger herself and she needs to know if she does that you will not participate.
My mother wouldn't have been happy at the Palace of Versailles, complaining the gold and silver was tarnished. Jumping thru hoops to accommodate a person who chooses unhappiness every day will only drive YOU crazy.
You don't mention dementia in your profile for mom, so I'd gladly encourage her to terminate your POA and wish her all the luck in the world moving herself back into her home, without your help.
Yep, some folks love to complain.. it's communication. It's to get a laugh, to gain attention, or just something to talk about. Especially when their world has shrunk & they no longer discuss the news, from world events to local events. Their world becomes them & their daily minutiae.
It's emotion. No need to fix or take action. Meet emotion with empathy.
I'm hearing you want to move back home. Why is that?
She may feel sad about the loss of her previous home & her independance. (I guess I would).
She may need a safe place to feel sad. A safe person to be with to disclose this to.
I can hear you are sad 😔 Make comforting noises. Hold hands or hug if you are close & it feels right. Offer hope: Chin up now. You'll be fine. You can make the best if it. You are pretty tough. Redirect: Now what do you want to do today?
As for all those moving plans.. ah maybe you will! She can plot & plan. Some stay quite happy with that. Making their grand plans.
I'm happy to HEAR the grand plans... play the game. I have no intention or responsibility to do anything about them 😜
Her wants are demands and if she doesn’t get all the attention or what she wants she pouts and makes things miserable. Refusing to eat or take her meds. I really want to know if I choose to take her back that I can legally walk away from the non-court ordered POA without legal issues from walking away. My brothers will be near her and will have to step up.
If Mom is competent, she can move back home like said, without your help. You have done enough. You can't help a complainer. Just tell her she can do what she wants but you will not be helping her this time. She can inform the facility she will be leaving. She can pack herself up and find movers. When she returns home, she can hire help because you are not caring for her.
Your mom seems to be totally delusional. On top of that, she is trying to emotionally blackmail you into agreeing with her leaving the facility by threatening to take away your POA. Do you want to be her POA or are you growing tired of everything?
At this point, what can you do about it? I believe I would call her bluff. She’s hell bent on leaving whether you approve or not.
Is she the type of woman who will fight you tooth and nail? I am wondering if she truly is delusional or if she is just plain manipulative.
You know your mother better than anyone else. What do you think? Is she going to come to her senses or continue to wish to control the situation? Is her bark bigger than her bite?
Good Grief, don't even consider taking her back, she is playing you, she knows that you will do what she wants eventually, like moving her 3 times, why would you let her manipulate you like that?
Let her be, if she wants to move somewhere else let her do it all by herself, you do not help her.
Let her give the POA to your brother and be done with it, visit her on your own terms.
Actually, this is your issue not hers as you keep condescending to her, maybe therapy would be of help to you.
Do not take Mom back into your home . That’s worst thing you could do . I read your replies to others. I can’t see her being able to coordinate getting herself back to her house either. If she thinks she’s independent let her try to do everything for herself . A wise social worker told me to “ stop helping your mother , let her fail “. Sometimes this is the only way to prove to them that they are not independent. Stop helping her . You are propping up her false independence . CHF and stage 4 renal disease . Mom sounds like a candidate for hospice .
One of your replies state that you “ would be dropping her off in hopes my brothers would be caring for her or checking on her “. NOPE. Do not drive her back to her house or your house . If your mother wants to go home she has to get there in her own . DO NOT help her or support her decision to move home.
Honestly I would give up POA of anyone who goes home without proper care in place . And NO , your brothers do not “ have to step up “. If your mother is competent . No one has to put up with these ridiculous behaviors of your mothers .
I have a friend who moved her father six times into different facilities! I felt that she was a bit excessive by doing this.
My dear friend is a retired nurse. She was an excellent nurse who went above and beyond for her patients.
She expects everyone else to be the nurse that she was. She admitted to me that it was her decision to move her father so many times.
I certainly understand that a person wants the best care for their family members but perfection doesn’t exist! Not for the residents or the family members. Strive for what is reasonably achievable.
Your mom may adapt better when you adapt to her surroundings. Do you think that she is feeding off of your anxiety?
If she doesn’t adapt, oh well…it’s the best that you can do, right? Some people can never be pleased!
Please stop jumping through hoops, standing on your head and trying to fix everything. Know that you are doing your best in overseeing your mom’s care.
Don’t allow your mother’s emotions to control your thoughts or actions. Wishing you peace as you struggle with this difficult situation.
I am with Needhelp. Again, tell Mom she can do whatever she wants but you will not be helping her in any way since she feels she is independent enough to do it on her own. If she does get herself back to her own home, she will see that she can't do it by herself. You could leave her info on how to get the Senior bus or an uber. How to call in a grocery order and have it delivered and the cost. A name of a guy to mow her lawn and how much it will cost.
Make it plain that you mean "not helping in any way" means no rides to apts or shopping. No coming over to clean up her house. No cooking for her. No driving her anywhere. No being at her beck and call. Being independent means she is capable of doing for herself. If she feels she does need help when she gets home, she hires it. There are Home Health aides that do the cooking and cleaning. Will fix her breakfast and lunch and dinner. Can even help her with a shower, apts and errands. There is a slight difference between their responsibilities and a CNAs.
WHY do people think that revoking someone's POA is a great threat? IMO, POA's are the worst thing someone can do to someone they love.
You have a lot of responsibility, but no real power.
My DH has POA for his mom, yet he's NEVER and will NEVER enact it in any way shape or form.
Almost a year ago when her health took a sudden downward turn, and she was in the hospital and then rehab--THAT was the time to enact the POA and simply talk sense into his mother.
He didn't. So the onus of the burden of care fell to the kids, and I KNOW that OB was not happy about it, and DH has certainly lived to regret it.
His SISTER should have POA. She's the one who makes all the calls. Too bad she doesn't have the actual legal power to do anything. Although, truthfully, she wouldn't do anything different than she has done.
@ Midkid Regarding your query . I would never threaten to give up POA. I would only say it if I really was giving it up . I don’t see the need to use it as a threat . If the person you are dealing with is that bad just go through with giving it up .
You are correct , it’s an empty threat especially with dementia in play . They often think that they are fine and don’t need a POA .
Stop moving her from assisted living place to assisted living place. She will never be happy anywhere she is. Be happy she is no longer in your house and never entertain the notion about moving her back in with you. She will be a miserable complainer until she dies.
Your Mom's future placement or lack of it is dependent on whether or not you are her POA and are so acting according to her documents because your mother is no longer competent to safely make her own decisions.
As long as there is no court actions declaring your mom incompetent she has a right to change her POA to anyone else at any time, and to remove herself from care.
I would make it crystal clear that if these threats continue you will not only be glad to be fired, but you will RESIGN by letter, and that you will step away from any and all care. Do not enable an unsafe action. Often seniors are not judged incompetent. Courts are VERY reluctant to take a citizen's right from them. She may soon endanger herself and she needs to know if she does that you will not participate.
You don't mention dementia in your profile for mom, so I'd gladly encourage her to terminate your POA and wish her all the luck in the world moving herself back into her home, without your help.
Yep, some folks love to complain.. it's communication. It's to get a laugh, to gain attention, or just something to talk about. Especially when their world has shrunk & they no longer discuss the news, from world events to local events. Their world becomes them & their daily minutiae.
It's emotion. No need to fix or take action. Meet emotion with empathy.
I'm hearing you want to move back home. Why is that?
She may feel sad about the loss of her previous home & her independance. (I guess I would).
She may need a safe place to feel sad. A safe person to be with to disclose this to.
I can hear you are sad 😔
Make comforting noises. Hold hands or hug if you are close & it feels right.
Offer hope: Chin up now. You'll be fine. You can make the best if it. You are pretty tough.
Redirect: Now what do you want to do today?
As for all those moving plans.. ah maybe you will! She can plot & plan. Some stay quite happy with that. Making their grand plans.
I'm happy to HEAR the grand plans... play the game. I have no intention or responsibility to do anything about them 😜
At this point, what can you do about it? I believe I would call her bluff. She’s hell bent on leaving whether you approve or not.
Is she the type of woman who will fight you tooth and nail? I am wondering if she truly is delusional or if she is just plain manipulative.
You know your mother better than anyone else. What do you think? Is she going to come to her senses or continue to wish to control the situation? Is her bark bigger than her bite?
Let her be, if she wants to move somewhere else let her do it all by herself, you do not help her.
Let her give the POA to your brother and be done with it, visit her on your own terms.
Actually, this is your issue not hers as you keep condescending to her, maybe therapy would be of help to you.
I wish you the best.
I read your replies to others. I can’t see her being able to coordinate getting herself back to her house either. If she thinks she’s independent let her try to do everything for herself . A wise social worker told me to “ stop helping your mother , let her fail “. Sometimes this is the only way to prove to them that they are not independent. Stop helping her . You are propping up her false independence . CHF and stage 4 renal disease . Mom sounds like a candidate for hospice .
One of your replies state that you “ would be dropping her off in hopes my brothers would be caring for her or checking on her “. NOPE. Do not drive her back to her house or your house . If your mother wants to go home she has to get there in her own . DO NOT help her or support her decision to move home.
Honestly I would give up POA of anyone who goes home without proper care in place . And NO , your brothers do not “ have to step up “. If your mother is competent . No one has to put up with these ridiculous behaviors of your mothers .
My dear friend is a retired nurse. She was an excellent nurse who went above and beyond for her patients.
She expects everyone else to be the nurse that she was. She admitted to me that it was her decision to move her father so many times.
I certainly understand that a person wants the best care for their family members but perfection doesn’t exist! Not for the residents or the family members. Strive for what is reasonably achievable.
Your mom may adapt better when you adapt to her surroundings. Do you think that she is feeding off of your anxiety?
If she doesn’t adapt, oh well…it’s the best that you can do, right? Some people can never be pleased!
Please stop jumping through hoops, standing on your head and trying to fix everything. Know that you are doing your best in overseeing your mom’s care.
Don’t allow your mother’s emotions to control your thoughts or actions.
Wishing you peace as you struggle with this difficult situation.
Make it plain that you mean "not helping in any way" means no rides to apts or shopping. No coming over to clean up her house. No cooking for her. No driving her anywhere. No being at her beck and call. Being independent means she is capable of doing for herself. If she feels she does need help when she gets home, she hires it. There are Home Health aides that do the cooking and cleaning. Will fix her breakfast and lunch and dinner. Can even help her with a shower, apts and errands. There is a slight difference between their responsibilities and a CNAs.
WHY do people think that revoking someone's POA is a great threat? IMO, POA's are the worst thing someone can do to someone they love.
You have a lot of responsibility, but no real power.
My DH has POA for his mom, yet he's NEVER and will NEVER enact it in any way shape or form.
Almost a year ago when her health took a sudden downward turn, and she was in the hospital and then rehab--THAT was the time to enact the POA and simply talk sense into his mother.
He didn't. So the onus of the burden of care fell to the kids, and I KNOW that OB was not happy about it, and DH has certainly lived to regret it.
His SISTER should have POA. She's the one who makes all the calls. Too bad she doesn't have the actual legal power to do anything. Although, truthfully, she wouldn't do anything different than she has done.
Regarding your query . I would never threaten to give up POA. I would only say it if I really was giving it up .
I don’t see the need to use it as a threat . If the person you are dealing with is that bad just go through with giving it up .
You are correct , it’s an empty threat especially with dementia in play . They often think that they are fine and don’t need a POA .