I have found a wonderful Adult Day Care place, but my husband refuses to go. Any suggestions?

Follow
Share

I took him there and he refused to get out of the car. He thinks I am going to leave him there, even though I told him they close at 4pm.

20

Answers

Show:
Not only go in with him, stay there the entire time within his sight on the first visit. Take a book or computer and sit in a chair on an outside wall. Leave him to interact on his own, but be within sight. When you go to the rest room, leave your book sweater/coat so he knows you're still in the building. After a couple of times, go in with him, but leave to run some errands and then come back. As he becomes accustomed to the day care, becomes more confident he can handle the environment and that you are coming back, he will most likely get to the point he goes in without you.

No only is change difficult for those with dementia, the care giver becomes their security blanket. When there's something they don't understand or cannot cope with, they rely on you to take care of it. He needs to learn this is an environment where he doesn't need that security blanket.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to TNtechie
Report
MargaretMcKen Sep 17, 2018
Absolutely agree about staying. If necessary, say you are both going there to volunteer to help others there. Set it up with the staff - most places do actually have volunteers. Even if you don't leave for several visits, it will still be something different for you with other adults to interact with, as well as making it feel 'safer' for your husband.
(2)
Report
A few ideas that might work...
Tell him you have found him a job. A friend did this and it worked well "Sally" would bring "Stan" in to work every day. They would have him sweep a bit, sort out papers and other odd things. At the end of the week "Sally" gave the director an envelope with a few dollars in it. The director would give "Stan" his pay envelope and he would then give it back to "Sally".

If your husband had a particular talent let him know that there are people that want to learn about XXXX. And he can go teach people what he does.

The concept of "time" means very little to someone with Dementia. So telling him that the place closes at 4:00 means little, all he knows is he will be there by himself. Yes others will be there but just like the first day of school or a job you do not know anyone and it is scary. The fact that the mind does not work and you are busy trying to hide that fact from others makes it exhausting. YOU are his support system. He knows that you understand him.
Ask if you can spend the first hour or so with him then tell him you have to go to the washroom. Leave for a while but stay in the building. I am sure you can observe if you want. But I bet he will be comfortable by then and you will not have any problems.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Grandma1954
Report
shad250 Sep 18, 2018
How long would that take for him to adjust?
(0)
Report
Agree with Sunny above. Go in with him. If possible, bring a friend, two friends, someones he knows, and you all go in as a group. Tell him you all go in for lunch or game or whatever activities that are going on. Introduce him to a few people there, get him used to the place and the people. Then sneak out when he's preoccupied. Do this a few times as needed.

The time you invest getting him to agree to come and stay will pay off 10 folds once he starts going regularly. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to polarbear
Report

Hello Jean. May I suggest the next time You bring Your Husband to the Adult Day Care go in with Him and spend the day there with Your Husband. Mingle and chat with every Person there and have Your Husband do the same. After one or two trips He will be after bonding and will have made Friends with some and will look forward to attending Day Care. Remember the most difficult part in any journey is taking that first step.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Johnjoe
Report
shad250 Sep 18, 2018
What happens if the husband is bored?
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
We also have access to an amazing dementia daycare. When we first started taking my Mom we would go in, participate in whatever activity they were doing for the first 10 minutes or so, the rely on the staff to distract her enough to leave. Talk to the staff, ask them to greet him and get him immediately engaged. See if that helps.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Lickety
Report
robinr Sep 18, 2018
THis is  helpful as I continue to contemplate my mother being more stimulated by going...the thought of other responses, losing a day at work to be surrounded by this would be a test of my patience that I do not think I could pass.  My father could go with her, but he is deaf and that presents challenges of its own.
(1)
Report
When my LO got dementia she was more clingy than usual. She was quite afraid of going anywhere by herself. I had to work with comforting her and I did eventually have to leave her in other's care. After I left, she seemed to do okay.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Sunnygirl1
Report

My husband was in education so I tell him he's going to his class. Take him in & say I'm going shopping then come back & get you. Time means nothing.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to mlface
Report

My husband thinks he's going to work. I tell him I also have to go to work and I'll be back. So far so good. Being there has helped his verbal skills and he is nice and tired when he gets home. Wish I could afford more than 2 days a week.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Cjrose27
Report

shad250... as to how long it takes to adjust...that all depends on how well the person adjusts to anything. Some people adjust easily, some have problems ever adjusting.
I think keeping a person focused, engaged, on other things rather than themselves or when their caregiver is going to return (and when I say caregiver I mean a spouse, child, or any person that is of importance). It is like a child adjusting to the first day of school or recall when you started your first job. How long did it take you to adjust to new people, new routine, and you had at that time a fully functioning brain that could comprehend what was going on.
I went on a vacation, placed my Husband in respite for 3 weeks. I was terrified that I would come home and he would not adjust to being back at home. I worried about that for 3 weeks. When I got him home..he went into the living room, sat down in his recliner like he had been gone for just the day. It could have been totally different.
So it is different for everyone.
All I can advise is... be patient...don't give up....be understanding.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Grandma1954
Report

$80 a DAY??? For that money I hope the food is Cordon Bleu, that he gets individual attention and that he is driven around in a limo. When my husband went to Day Care it cost $8 a day.  Granted , that was in Canada.  I am curious, however (not judging)  but would Iike to know how  Day Care Centres justify charging this amount of money. Is this amount common in every state? (Sorry if I am wrong but I am assuming that you are in the U.S.)

My husband was completely bored at Day Care but I told him that each activity is scientifically developed (which it is) so being an academic, he accepted that explanation--but he was still bored!

There are some who would say that forcing your husband to go somewhere against his will is abusive. I would bet that before he became ill, he would be quite happy to go along with  your suggestions. However,  If he can voice his objections, he can also voice his agreement.  I was lucky, for once the tables were turned.  My husband was the one who felt guilty when I explained that this was "me time" (what a joke--caregivers don't get "me time!), and that unless I got a break for a few hours, two days a week, I would not be able to do the grocery shopping or any of the other chores that are necessary to survive.

Good luck with persuading him to at least go through the door.  Maybe if someone from the Centre came to your home and told him about the activities etc. he may be more accepting of it all. (The visit will probably be another $80!
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Cathberry
Report
Emmdee Sep 19, 2018
Hiya - here in the UK I pay £100 a DAY for my husband to go to a daycentre run by the Alzheimers Society ....... and when we needed a holiday, it cost me £1000 + per week.
(0)
Report
See All Answers
Related
Questions