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I took him there and he refused to get out of the car. He thinks I am going to leave him there, even though I told him they close at 4pm.

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I'm not sure there is a time limit on grousing. My father, who I gained guardianship of and placed in MC against his wishes 3 years ago, still complains bitterly about me selling his house and forcing him into MC. A couple of weeks back by first cousin (his favorite nephew) visited him at MC. Cousin says my father told him he liked the MC; liked never being left alone and having someone to help any time he asks, and a snack anytime he wants. Dad told my cousin he used to be afraid he wouldn't be able to stay because it costs too much but that I had told him he could stay until he was a 100 as long as he could walk around with a walker and he'd never make it that long. To my cousin he expressed total confidence in my ability to manage his affairs. When I'm there I frequently get told how "stupid" I am and how I will screw everything up. :>)
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Well, I finally found a nice Senior Center (I don't call it daycare for his benefit). I have been my husband's caregiver 24/7 360 days a year. First daycare place was dismal and after 3 visits there by myself I opted not to enroll him. Finally found a nice place and took him there and he seemed OK as the director (who I told him was an old friend of mine) talked to him and explained and entertained him for at least 1/2 hr. The first time I took him I stayed and chatted and made sure he knew I was there "with my friend". Took him 3 times and each time shortened the time I spent there. And every single time on the way there he ranted about going, did not want any part of it, etc. After 3 wks. I had the little bus pick him up and drop him off when going and coming home. It is now 5 wks. and he raises my BP to unsafe levels every time he has to go, twice a week. Gets obnoxious and nasty, huffs and puffs around the house while waiting for the bus, and absolutely hates the thought of going. Now I wait until 10 mins. before the bus is due - he forgets he is going until I tell him. I used to tell him the night before and he hardly slept; then I tried to tell him in the morning as he was having his breakfast -- bad move. He remains crabby when he gets home each time and takes a couple hrs. to get back to "normal". A couple times he looked out of it and just bewildered when he got home. This morning I had the usual aggravation and as he was going out the door to the bus he said "why don't you f------kill me"? This is a man who NEVER used that word, ever! The Center says he is fine there and sits with the guys and is greeted by them by name every time and he seems to be OK. I know he is manipulating me but I wonder if anyone else has had this problem and how long does it last? After 5 weeks he should be getting used to it in my opinion - or hopeful thought!
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Alzh101 Feb 2019
Hi Mojo, I tried the daycare route with my mom to give her something to do and me respite. Visited the place a couple of times with her first, even found a friend for her to hang out with while there. My mom hated it and I was yelled at the moment I arrived to pick her up until we got home and heard how stupid the people were and how there was nothing to do there and why the hell would I think she would want to go to a place like that. I was told by the facility that almost everyone had an adjustment period and she would simmer down. Well after 3 weeks, she didn’t simmer down and my blood pressure soared. I was called by the facility to pick her up because she was upsetting the other residents demanding to leave. So I dropped everything and went to pick my mom up. (My Mom never “adjusted” to living in a facility after a year, so we were trying to get her used to and comfortable at daycare so that she could move back in with me. The daycare was part of the arrangement, so I would have respite each day.) Anyway, after being told my mom would eventually adjust to living at a facility, and never did, and then being told the same thing about adjusting to daycare, I gave it only 3 weeks. I’m so frustrated and angry with her behavior that I finally gave up on the idea of her living with me. Now she sits in a new facility with “nothing to do” and hates it there. She doesn’t enjoy bingo, coloring, watching TV or even playing games so she’s bored. She enjoys going on errands and being with me as my shadow. Since facilities and daycare don’t fill that void, she’s not happy. So although most people do adjust to living in a facility or going to daycare, my mom isn’t one of them. She’s about killed me with her neediness. I’ve recently been hospitalized twice in the past 5 weeks and am still home bound. Now she’s mad because I don’t visit her. Some people just don’t adjust and it’s up to you how many weeks you are willing to wait before you decide if something is going to work for you or not.
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I am in this very process right now with my Alz. mother. I found a really nice Adult Day Care Center. It has activities, exercises, meals, even a nice little garden that she could tend to.

The problem with my mother is that she can't stay anywhere too long. When we go visit her only friend, she will ask to go home after half an hours. She always wants to be on the move. Her memory is so bad that she can't really hold two thoughts in her head and carry on a meaningful conversation. I don't know how she will interact with the other participants there.

I already got the paperwork rolling, got the required TB test done, got the doctor to sign the paperwork which I need to go pick up and bring to the center. They then need to review and process which will take a few weeks.

There will be a 3 day assessment by the center to decide if she is a good candidate. I really really hope she will like it enough to stay and not demand to go home then try to walk out. I am planning on having an older lady (who helps me watch my mom weekly when I am out) accompany my mom and stay with her the first few times. I really hope my mom will find enough things to do for at least 4 hours (the minimum.)

It will help me and my kids out a lot. She drives us crazy being at home.

Fingers crossed, eyes crossed, positive thoughts, etc....
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Tell him we are paying a visit there and by seeing the environment i am sure he will love it.
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I take art courses at my community library and I love it. I am also in an adult coloring book class which I enjoy and I get to meet all kinds of people and learn new things
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Has anyone from the daycare visited you guys at home? Maybe that would be a good step, after you have told them about the problems - this wouldn't have been the first time they have someone who is reticent! Then that person can talk to your husband and allay his fears.
Best wishes - Emmdee
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My FIL was hesitant at first and because my SIL was unable to take him he went on a bus to the Day Care Center.  What helped was they started with 2 days a week and a neighbor who'd had a stroke also went with him.  After a few visits he was looking forward to going and they increased it to 3 days and after several months he went 5 days.  He enjoyed to activity and it gave my SIL who is disabled some time to be with her son who was only 2 at the time and has vision issues time to help him with his PT, OT & VT.
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Have you tried more than once, Jean?
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$80 a DAY??? For that money I hope the food is Cordon Bleu, that he gets individual attention and that he is driven around in a limo. When my husband went to Day Care it cost $8 a day.  Granted , that was in Canada.  I am curious, however (not judging)  but would Iike to know how  Day Care Centres justify charging this amount of money. Is this amount common in every state? (Sorry if I am wrong but I am assuming that you are in the U.S.)

My husband was completely bored at Day Care but I told him that each activity is scientifically developed (which it is) so being an academic, he accepted that explanation--but he was still bored!

There are some who would say that forcing your husband to go somewhere against his will is abusive. I would bet that before he became ill, he would be quite happy to go along with  your suggestions. However,  If he can voice his objections, he can also voice his agreement.  I was lucky, for once the tables were turned.  My husband was the one who felt guilty when I explained that this was "me time" (what a joke--caregivers don't get "me time!), and that unless I got a break for a few hours, two days a week, I would not be able to do the grocery shopping or any of the other chores that are necessary to survive.

Good luck with persuading him to at least go through the door.  Maybe if someone from the Centre came to your home and told him about the activities etc. he may be more accepting of it all. (The visit will probably be another $80!
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Emmdee Sep 2018
Hiya - here in the UK I pay £100 a DAY for my husband to go to a daycentre run by the Alzheimers Society ....... and when we needed a holiday, it cost me £1000 + per week.
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shad250... as to how long it takes to adjust...that all depends on how well the person adjusts to anything. Some people adjust easily, some have problems ever adjusting.
I think keeping a person focused, engaged, on other things rather than themselves or when their caregiver is going to return (and when I say caregiver I mean a spouse, child, or any person that is of importance). It is like a child adjusting to the first day of school or recall when you started your first job. How long did it take you to adjust to new people, new routine, and you had at that time a fully functioning brain that could comprehend what was going on.
I went on a vacation, placed my Husband in respite for 3 weeks. I was terrified that I would come home and he would not adjust to being back at home. I worried about that for 3 weeks. When I got him home..he went into the living room, sat down in his recliner like he had been gone for just the day. It could have been totally different.
So it is different for everyone.
All I can advise is... be patient...don't give up....be understanding.
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When I took my mum to daycare for the first time, I told her my 'friend' (the manager), had invited us to watch some entertainment. I stayed with her the whole time. She quite enjoyed it.
The next time, I stayed for a short while, and then said I had to go shopping.
Now, 4 months later, she looks forward to going twice a week; I just drop her off and take her into the day care room, and she comes back by minibus in time for tea. She has a 3 course lunch, and entertainment.
I hope you manage to get your dad to go.
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What exactly do they do at this daycare?
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polarbear Sep 2018
shad250 - At the daycare near me, there are two main room with lots of tables and chairs. One room has a stage and a small dance floor where participants can go up and sing, play instruments, or dance. Or they can sit around and play cards, bridge, chess, etc.

In the other room, there is an instructor who gives out word puzzles, leads simple games and keeps participants engaged.

There is also an exercise room with many different equipments. An attendant is avaiable to make sure the elderly exercise and use the equipment safely. There is also a small nurse station where everyone gets their vital signs taken monthly to keep track of their health.

As for food, breakfasts and lunches are served. Transportation is provided if needed. It costs about $80/day.
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Manager should have met with him either before or after you signed him up. She/he would then introduce him to workers/volunteers and participants to make it easier for him. He may be uncomfortable going to a place with people he does not know.
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My husband thinks he's going to work. I tell him I also have to go to work and I'll be back. So far so good. Being there has helped his verbal skills and he is nice and tired when he gets home. Wish I could afford more than 2 days a week.
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My husband was in education so I tell him he's going to his class. Take him in & say I'm going shopping then come back & get you. Time means nothing.
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Can you go with him & stay for the first time, then second stay an hour or 2, then third stay 15 minutes - once it become routine it will be easier on you both - so don't 'dump & leave' but ease him in - especially the first time use 'we are going together' & similar phrasing
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shad250 Sep 2018
A good idea, though there is not guarantee it will be easier.
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A few ideas that might work...
Tell him you have found him a job. A friend did this and it worked well "Sally" would bring "Stan" in to work every day. They would have him sweep a bit, sort out papers and other odd things. At the end of the week "Sally" gave the director an envelope with a few dollars in it. The director would give "Stan" his pay envelope and he would then give it back to "Sally".

If your husband had a particular talent let him know that there are people that want to learn about XXXX. And he can go teach people what he does.

The concept of "time" means very little to someone with Dementia. So telling him that the place closes at 4:00 means little, all he knows is he will be there by himself. Yes others will be there but just like the first day of school or a job you do not know anyone and it is scary. The fact that the mind does not work and you are busy trying to hide that fact from others makes it exhausting. YOU are his support system. He knows that you understand him.
Ask if you can spend the first hour or so with him then tell him you have to go to the washroom. Leave for a while but stay in the building. I am sure you can observe if you want. But I bet he will be comfortable by then and you will not have any problems.
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shad250 Sep 2018
How long would that take for him to adjust?
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Hello Jean. May I suggest the next time You bring Your Husband to the Adult Day Care go in with Him and spend the day there with Your Husband. Mingle and chat with every Person there and have Your Husband do the same. After one or two trips He will be after bonding and will have made Friends with some and will look forward to attending Day Care. Remember the most difficult part in any journey is taking that first step.
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shad250 Sep 2018
What happens if the husband is bored?
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We also have access to an amazing dementia daycare. When we first started taking my Mom we would go in, participate in whatever activity they were doing for the first 10 minutes or so, the rely on the staff to distract her enough to leave. Talk to the staff, ask them to greet him and get him immediately engaged. See if that helps.
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Hire some one to come in call care conections ..staying home is important
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Emmdee Sep 2018
I do not understand! What are you suggesting?
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Not only go in with him, stay there the entire time within his sight on the first visit. Take a book or computer and sit in a chair on an outside wall. Leave him to interact on his own, but be within sight. When you go to the rest room, leave your book sweater/coat so he knows you're still in the building. After a couple of times, go in with him, but leave to run some errands and then come back. As he becomes accustomed to the day care, becomes more confident he can handle the environment and that you are coming back, he will most likely get to the point he goes in without you.

No only is change difficult for those with dementia, the care giver becomes their security blanket. When there's something they don't understand or cannot cope with, they rely on you to take care of it. He needs to learn this is an environment where he doesn't need that security blanket.
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MargaretMcKen Sep 2018
Absolutely agree about staying. If necessary, say you are both going there to volunteer to help others there. Set it up with the staff - most places do actually have volunteers. Even if you don't leave for several visits, it will still be something different for you with other adults to interact with, as well as making it feel 'safer' for your husband.
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When my LO got dementia she was more clingy than usual. She was quite afraid of going anywhere by herself. I had to work with comforting her and I did eventually have to leave her in other's care. After I left, she seemed to do okay.
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Agree with Sunny above. Go in with him. If possible, bring a friend, two friends, someones he knows, and you all go in as a group. Tell him you all go in for lunch or game or whatever activities that are going on. Introduce him to a few people there, get him used to the place and the people. Then sneak out when he's preoccupied. Do this a few times as needed.

The time you invest getting him to agree to come and stay will pay off 10 folds once he starts going regularly. Good luck.
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Reasoning with someone who has dementia is sometimes not possible. Would it be possible to go in with him and then leave after he gets involved with an activity? I'd make sure the staff are aware of his situation and that they are able to monitor and supervise him though. Is this day care designed for those with dementia and is it secure?

Your profile says that you are from England. It must be so hard to be here alone without much support. Have you considered other options, if you stay here?
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