I have decided to lock my 86 year old mom in her room at night from 12pm to 8 she has dementia. What else can I do?

I have no solutions, but I wanted you to know that I am impressed with your stick-to-it-ness to try to work things out so your mother can live with you. I think you have to do what is necessary for her safety...and your sanity. It sounds like you are working it through...best to you!

Put refrigerator locks on and cabinet locks. That stops the food issues. It also stops any other cabinets in the home being an issue. Then buy locks for the stove itself. Bigger issue is if there is a fire and you can't get to her, she will never be able to open her door. Honestly, it sounds that your mom has sundowners. There are meds to try to help with that, but you would have to make her take it and if she pulls bedcovers off and refuses to wear some type of adult pullup, then you will never MAKE her take the meds. Honestly, your only bet is to place her in a memory care facility. It is no longer about what your family WANTS. It is about the safety of your mother and your own safety. You cannot any longer look after her by yourself at the stage it sounds like she is in without your own safety, her safety, and anyone else that lives in the home being in jeopardy. I understand the whole problem as my mom has two types of dementia, chronic kidney disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and continues to be a stroke risk. My father also has the beginning stages of Alzheimer's with diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, is a stroke risk, and now needs two total knee replacements. It is only me taking care of them. My son is 14. My mom can't drive....I took the keys and the state has taken her license. Eventually, she will become bad enough that I can no longer care for her, even with my father's help, and he won't be able to help and I will have no choice but to make a decision for them both. I understand the cost is more trying to bring in home care in than trying to place in memory care. Honestly I cannot always do the cleaning and care of the home without hiring someone to help clean after her and also give meds and take care of food, all while still working and caring for a teenager who can't drive. I am finally coming to the realization that it is not up to the two of them when they are not able to care for the home all by themselves and look after themselves completely either. At some point, you will either be faced with doing the right thing and placing her or you will continue making the wrong decisions for you both. It is illegal to lock her in her room, but not illegal for a nursing home to lock their exterior doors because they have 24 hour staff to care for everyone. Either hire someone, or place her.

I like the camara ideas, but I also worry about the length of time for toilet needs without anyone checking in with your parent. I think someone would have to check in at least once every 2 to 3 hours depending on the sleeping patterns of your parent, which may make it impossible just for one caregiver. You might also consider moving her room near yours and getting a bed type of alarm that wakes you up when she gets out of bed. We had those with our mom and it's great for safety for them and to let you sleep while possible. I found that I had to sleep on my mom's schedule not mine. Eventually, we also needed help and couldn't do it alone. One does feel guilty for trying things out for self preservation and safety for them. And while our laws are good about coming to arrest you for elder abuse actions when reported, those same laws are not required to provide additional caregivers when it's too much for one person. Families are often stuck alone until they can't anymore or something bad happens. It's sad that we don't have more assistance with our loved ones with dementia! Facilities also kick out residents who are too difficult to handle, so it's not an easy problem to fix. To me, the State should be obligated to provide caregiving assistance to families who are alone taking care of a dementia patient. It's not fair to families to carry all the burden regardless of income. We had help and still it was the hardest thing I ever did in my life, so my heart goes out to families who are dealing with this alone. Facilities are not all that great either and some of our family members also get abused in these facilities, so the laws should require that help be given to families who take care of a dementia loved one to take care of them either at home or elsewhere.

You are in a very difficult situation. You need to check carefully about elder abuse in your state. If something happens to your mother as a result of being locked in the room-- it could be seen as neglect. Sounds like your mother needs to be in a long term-care facility.

Please, B esmart, Here, Dear, Your Mom is going to end up to be her own demise and yours a swell. If anything should happen o her, God forbid, And Adult Protective Services should get Involved, they will hold you personally lible for the Welfare of Endangerment to an Elderly person. Please, make a game plan to get Mom into a Safe fcility or a caregiver who can com and care for her.

I am dealing with the same issue as you. My mother is 84, has dementia/ Alzheimer's and does the same things your mother does to a tee. I put baby gates up at the stairs and even doubled them up and put bells on them. After continuously being woken up at night I moved downstairs. I have a bed in the living room and converted the dining room into her room. I have an eat in kitchen so it was just a matter of storing what was in the dining room. It makes things much easier and if she doesn't make it to the bathroom clean up is much easier. With that said I have come to the conclusion that I still need some help during the overnight hours so I will be having someone come in from 11 to 7 a few nights per week so I get much needed sleep. It will take most of her social security but it will also give me some peace of mind. Your not a failure you just need some help. As I read you have extended family, you could ask them to each take one night a week on a regular basis. Unfortunately for me it's just me and I also have custody of 2 young grandchildren and a disabled son of my own. It's hard to ask for help but if something happens to you then who's going to take care of your mother? Best of luck to you.

We used a metal gate with a door to keep my MIL from going into the kitchen alone as it was the most dangerous room in the house for her. It contained a gas stove where she almost burned her hands, a cellar floor with steep stairs that she continually tried to access, a door to the outside and a trash receptacle that she would drive her hands into looking for “treasures”. The gate worked wonders to keep her safe. We also moved our bedroom downstairs to be close to her as she was on the first floor. Baby monitors helped a lot too. We also bought her one piece jumpsuit pajamas that zipped up the back to help with the issue of her taking off her pull up underwear and urinating in bed and around the house at night - the plus was that she felt secure in the pajamas and really liked them.

If you cannot place her in a nursing home, I would recommend using gates, baby monitors and back zip pajamas. All of these can be found for purchase online. I also recommend hiring someone to give you some respite if you can afford it. If not, call on your family members to take their turn.
I wish you the best!

I recently attended an evening for people caring for loved ones with dementia. Of course it’s up to the individual to decide when it’s time to go to a nursing home but the specialists hosting the forum gave us a really good guide. If you are up at night regularly it is time to either get assistance through the night or go to a care home. The other was incontinence. I am not sure if your loved one is distressed being locked in at night but it obviously distresses you that you need to do this. Your mother needs 24 hour care and you can not offer her that on your own.
Best of luck

My mom had early on set dementia and to be safe I turn off the gas at night. It's a pain having to go outside and manually turn on the gas but it's the only way I can sleep and work with peace o mind.

Who are these family members who don’t like nursing homes?
Where are they when you need help?
Tell them to mind their own business and place your mom for her safety and yours.
Find a place and take her without telling anyone, if they say anything ask them where were you when I needed help.
Contact DHS about help with finances and placement. There should be no guilt on your part, you have to do this for your mother’s safety.

I’m so sorry to hear about your circumstances. I do hope you come to a peaceful solution soon.

You mentioned that your family doesn’t believe in nursing homes, what are your thoughts on them? It seems that you are the one caring for her and it’s led you to locking her in her room at night. It maybe a temporary one, but for her sake, it shouldn’t be a permanent one.

When we are caring for a loved one with dementia, they need 24 hour care for their safety. If she is hungry or needs to go to the restroom, there needs to be someone to readily assist her. I fear her being locked in her room could lead to trauma for the both of you.

Consider hiring or asking your family to cover the night shift so that you may rest. You can’t take care of others unless you are taking care of yourself first.

Whenever a loved one is moved to a nursing home, it is wise to plan daily visits from friends and family and even consider to hire someone to come by for visits regularly. I have found that this makes staff stay on top of things. Also, having a daily journal available for to write down any concerns they may have regarding her care. When you come to see her, you will know if there are any issues that need to be addressed.

We have to think what is best for your mom. Family will not always agree. If you have the legal control over your mom’s care, then you give her the best care possible, whether it’s in the home or a nursing facility.

I really do sympathize with what you are going through, it is not easy, and know that you are not alone.
We have my MIL (94) that wanders at night, and fell down the stairs, but luckily we only have 4 of them, and she fell on the last one, so she wasn't hurt, but after that we put up a baby gate so that she can't get to the stairs, but can still get around and go to the loo etc, it has really worked so well for us and she has no idea know how easy it is to open. Are you not able to put up something like this, or even a full size gate, to allow her some freedom, but prevent her from accessing the stairs?

Hire outside care for her on your behalf if you think you can't handle her

Get her in the hospital if you cannot manage her, check for urinary tract infection, and tell them you cannot manage her anymore due to stairs and other unsafe condition--so you cannot take her back home. The social worker will deal with placement. (PS if she is still able to walk and go into the car, take her to the Emergency Room yourself or you may be stuck with the ambulance bill!!!!)

It sounds like you need to get her in a nursing home. If your family does not like it--too bad..then let them care for her, and I would tell them so. Her safety is the main concern. Those stairs are completely unacceptable, because even with the best precautions, accidents do happen. They become obsessed with locks and will find a way out. What is going to stop her from escaping out of the window? You can't leave her by herself, and you cannot lock her in her room. She requires 24 hour supervision. Call the county about elder services to get placement started if you won't do the hospital placement thing.

My mom used to do the same thing, but I have a single story home, got alarms when she gets up including fall mats (most falls happen getting out of bed), and every single electrical appliance got disabled; even the stove unplugged. I stay with her 24-7. FIVE YEARS later..she recently became bed ridden, is kept alive with a feeding tube. I'm so used to the caregiver role I do not know or understand how to live my own life without it being centered around mom, so when she dies I will truly be a basket case and emotionally destroyed. You see mom had symptomatic Alzheimer's for 10 years now. The last five years, she started acting like you are describing (wandering and trying to escape the house). Just a few weeks ago she completely stopped eating and drinking so I got a feeding tube put in..and she forgot how to get up and now she is bedridden. But she will be 90 years old next week.

I do not regret taking care of mom, but I literally sacrificed my life for her. So please do not lock her in her room.

So sorry, but there comes a time when she needs more care than you can give her. Please, for your sake and hers, it's time for her to be in a facility .

This is an extremely dangerous and unhealthy situation.
From all you describe, you haven't got much of a choice.
Your mother AND you, need to have her placed in a memory care facility.
Contact senior social services in your area, or if a need for her to be hospitalized arises, tell them you can no longer care for her, and you will not be taking her home.
She will be safer and happier. You will be safer and happier.
There is no shame in knowing you have hit your ceiling and simply cannot be a caregiver!
You will not be deserting her, or dumping her on someone else....you will be choosing to do what is best for her. You wouldn't perform a surgical procedure on her, knowing you're not qualified.
This is not failure on your part; this is you doing what is the right thing FOR your mom.
Have the professionals care for her...THAT is what the right thing, in this case, looks like.
You can then return to being her daughter. You can oversee her care from a far better vantage point than from where you're at now.

This is a very bad situation. Maybe it's time to find a place for her so she will be safe and you can have some peace and keep your sanity.

I am sorry you are going through that. Make sure all the smoke alarms and carbon monoxide detectors have working batteries and maybe place one of those emergency fold-out ladders in her room in the event that you and she have to evacuate out a window. My situation with my mom is similar but not that bad. She does really strange things with food in the middle of the night and has no recollection at all of it (e.g., eating an entire gallon of ice cream, or a jar of raspberry jam. She has also let our new rescue dog, Ernie, in the middle of the night, resulting in him being picked up by police as a lost dog TWICE in the last two months which cost us $187 each time.

If you decide to continue to lock her up I would get a baby camera or something similar, so you can monitor her.  You can have it hung high on the wall so she can't reach it then you can monitor it from your phone.  Be sure to get one that swivels so you can change the direction of the camera.  Maybe install it when she's not there.  I'm sorry for all you're going through.  Please reach out to the County or Alzheimer Association.  The AA has 24 hour social workers that can talk to you and help you.   Just pull up their website, put in what state you live in and you'll get a phone number.   I found this on the general AA site without putting a state in 1 (800) 272-3900

Hi Misseverything. I fear that we are entering this territory with my dad. I just ordered door alarms in case he tries to leave. He was up at 2:30 dressed and ready to go this morning. Thank God he couldn't get up off the couch! So he laid down and went to sleep. He talks more and more about "going home" and has even packed a bag and was going to hitchhike. I even placed him in a very nice, clean RCF on Tuesday but they called me and said we can't keep him unless we can drug him to reduce his anxiety. So we went and got him and drove him home. But I'm still thinking placement is best for all and working in that direction. You say your family doesn't like nursing homes. Well, nursing homes are for those who need more "medical care" but care homes or board and care homes are for those who don't need the level of "nursing" care and a lot of them are very good. And a lot do "nursing" care too. Would your family like to attend YOUR funeral and then have to care for mom without you? Tough question I ask but you're worried about your own health. It sounds like it's time to do something else. I'm in CA too and I know there are options. Is she getting excellent care from you? Your being tired, worn out and stressed? It's all perspective. My dad is 90. He's had a good life and did what he wanted to do. If he were in his right mind I don't think he'd want us all stressing out about him. HE even put his own mother in a board and care because my mom couldn't do her care. Please talk to your family and re think placement. For your own health.

Just want to say, it’s very hard to make the correct decision when we are burned out, sleep deprived caregivers. This kind of stress makes me dementia like. I feel for you, I get ya.
Keep reading here...they’ll keep ya alive Misseverything!
💜

“Her mind is so bad and I can hardly handle her.” Ummm... no. If you are having to revert to locking your mother into a room for 8 hours at a time - I’ve got news for you - you can’t handle her.

Hey - it’s not a crime to admit that caring for a wandering, demented elderly loved one is more than you can do. There’s no shame or blame in it. It’s frickin’ hard!

However, it is a crime to lock someone in a room for eight hours. In this case it would be considered Elder Abuse and you would be arrested. Depending on your area there is a possibility the media would catch wind of the situation and your mugshot and charges would be featured on the local news and in the local newspaper - along with their on-line editions. On a slow news day neighboring states could pick up the story as well. I see stories like yours a couple of times a year, sadly. So, there will be lots of shame and blame once you are “caught”.

Look, I’m not unsympathetic to your situation. I have a mobile 6’2”, 170 lb., 26 yr old man - with the mental capacity of a two yr old living in my home. I’ve been there - through much of what you’re describing. Luckily, certain ticks and phases pass with him - however, often reappearing in time. Right now I’ve got the knobs back on my stove and the door alarm on his bedroom door hasn’t gone off at night in a month or so. My latest problem is him locking the sliding glass door behind me when I take the garbage out or get the mail, etc...
I do understand.

But all that still doesn't make what you’re doing okay. It just not a good idea. Frankly, I find it so disturbing I haven’t been able to sleep since I read your post.

Pleeese - let go of this nonsense that your mother can’t be put into a care facility! It would be the best, safest and most appropriate and most humane option for your mother. AND, FOR YOU!!!

First of all the store was not concerned about my wife walking slow. I was worried about getting her out of the store in the event of an emergency. Like we had a couple of years ago. Two shooter had just killed two police officers and ran into Wahl mart to hide. Shots were fired inside the store and as peope do, there was panic.
In another store a fire was set in the clothing department. alarms went of and those that had sense started to exit the store like a christmas sale was in the parking lot.
Imagine you in that situation and only one of the front exits was available. The next marked exit was waaay back there. You need to get out in a hurry. Your life depends on it.
Luz would have just looked at me would not know what to do even if was pulling and urging her to run.
The fire marshal told there are many doors in the front of the store. Which are for different venues in the from. Things like the pharmacy, the optometrist, etc. Those businesses would be locked after a certain hour. You ain't getting out through an unidentified door.
One crazy shooter or explosive device would be enough to kill or injure. Courtesy will be long gone if panic sets in.

worriedincal, I will agree that Mom may need more help than the OP can currently provide. However she sounded like she wanted to keep her at home. I was answering her question on that line.
I wanted to keep Luz at home with me as well and I did everything I could to do that. Alarms, locks, lights, platforms, sleeping on the couch near her sleeping on the love seat. I even slept on the floor when slept in the tv area when she could not get to or into the bed.
I did all of that and more when required. I was tired and worn out but I had her with me. I would do it all over again for her to this day.
I have noted on here that care giving like mentioned here is 27 hours a day and 8 days a week. I felt like that and still believe it.
Near the end I was looking to buying sleeping cot because Luz would get down on the floor to sleep like I would. And then have trouble getting up.
It was only when I started experiencing pain in my legs and back that I thought more actively of placing her in a SNF. I hated that idea and told her so. But it was becoming clear to me that I must do this thing. I think she understood.

I hope I have explained my point of view in lending my opinion on things the OP can look into to keep Mom at home.

Margaret, of course the regulations are not applied anything like as stringently to domestic settings, and of course considerable allowances are made for untrained family members doing their best under stress, but locking a person in her bedroom is a classic example of a "Deprivation of Liberty" and any risk or needs assessor would fall down in a dead faint over it.

Waking up because you're just down the hall? What, at three in the morning when you're severely sleep-deprived? Not a chance; and besides if the idea is that you wake up when you're needed, why not put an alarm on the door instead? And apart from the obvious physical and environmental risks of leaving mother locked in her room alone and crashing around, what about the additional fear and confusion caused to a woman who is already fearful and confused? Being confined in a room you want to leave, and probably not understanding that it's been locked from the outside, could be terrifying for her.

Securing external doors at night is fine - the parallel would be doors with key codes in memory care units. Locking the *kitchen* door to prevent access would be fine (although if the OP's house is open plan obviously that idea wouldn't help). The falls risk on the stairs could also be addressed - not a child-proof stairgate, because, holy Heaven, mother would probably try to climb over it, but there will be other barriers designed for adults' safety. It's the kind of situation that an occupational therapist would love to get her teeth into.

But in any case the main point is that it is simply not possible for one individual, no matter how dedicated and loving, to meet the needs of an able-bodied person with dementia during this phase. The OP must get help - not because an over-zealous APS might decide to make an example of her, but because she and her mother desperately need help.

There have been US (and other) cases reported world wide of relations being locked inside houses for years, and it's no surprise if it's illegal. Keeping mother safe overnight is just a bit different, don't you think? Anyway, that's enough, I'm sticking to my assessment of the commonsense of your legal system.

OK so I looked it up – thanks for the reference. Section 237 provides penalties for false imprisonment. Section 236 is referred to like this: “In order for you to be found guilty of false imprisonment under California Penal Code 236, the prosecution must prove beyond a reasonable doubt that you intentionally and unlawfully restrained, detained or confined a person; AND your act made the person stay or go somewhere against his or her will.” It’s worse if “your act of false imprisonment occurred with violence, menace, fraud or deceit”.

Defences are stated to include “You acted in good faith – your restraint was caused by reasonable belief that the alleged victim could endanger him/herself or others” and /or “The victim’s presence was voluntary – you did nothing to force the victim to stay and they were not being held against their will.” I'm quoting from the legal firm posting on Google regarding the Code and its meaning.

You should of course explain it to mother, but you would anyway. I’m sticking to my comments - if you are just down the hall, on the spot for any emergency, and waking up if you hear something bad, I would have serious doubts about ‘illegal’, and even more doubts about a successful prosecution. I'm startled by Worried's implication that locking the front door overnight might be illegal. Don't worry quite so much - the police support locking the door!

I don’t like to disagree with people whose opinions are usually so good, but years as a lawyer taught me never to accept without checking what clients said about documents and even less what they said about the law. I’d ask how the law defines locking someone in. Locking the front door? The gate? A toddler door across the top of the stairs? Size of area in which the person is locked? Sure, if you went out for the day and left mother locked in her room, you could be contravening something about ‘imprisonment’, particularly if she didn’t have food and water. If she was pounding on the door and screaming to be let out, the neighbours might have a good complaint. But if you are just down the hall, on the spot for any emergency, and waking up if you hear something bad, I would have serious doubts about ‘illegal’. Even more doubts about a successful prosecution.

However I quite agree that this isn’t the best option for her, or for you. For now, I’d keep locking the door, if it works for both of you. If someone does come to investigate, it may be exactly what you need to convince yourself and the family that she would be better off somewhere that can provide 24 hour care.

What an awful, difficult situation you are in.

Hugs! May God guide you.

When we need surgery, we go to a surgeon.
When we need dental care, we go to a dentist.
When we have an emergency, we call 911
But when a parent needs 24/7 care and supervision, then ONE child (usually a daughter) has to do it all, and some people will shame her if she complains and wants respite or a life of her own.

Locking her in her room by herself is just not smart. She can climb out the window too. They had patients like that when my mother was in SNF..one walked up & down hallways all day long. She also wore a GPS bracelet around her ankle. Someone should sleep in same room as your mother. What about if she has emergency...nobody will know or hear her. If EMS comes to house & sees the set up, they will write a report & send it to APS . Take her to ER & they will place her. She is not the first one to wander...good luck!