I have decided to lock my 86 year old mom in her room at night from 12pm to 8 she has dementia. What else can I do?

Sit comfortably, breathe in through your nose, slowly, and then purse your lips and blow steadily out as though you were blowing out a candle. Don't rush it or you'll go dizzy! But often, when you're very stressed, you find you go around all day holding your breath. Just making yourself do it properly is good first aid.

Right. You're right, this is a nightmare.

Your family doesn't like convalescent homes, huh.

Well, that's okay. They're not moving into one, and they're not understanding or thinking through the basic care needs and safety of your mother.

You must not lock your mother in her bedroom. If this came to light for any reason, you would be in so much trouble.

But you must keep your mother safe. I promise you, I really do understand the bind you're in, and how impossible it seems.

Caring for somebody with dementia as advanced as your mother's, though, IS impossible for one person in a standard family home. She needs a team of people so that round the clock there is somebody with her to monitor her, reassure her, and redirect her. You cannot be awake 24/7, and see to her needs, and run a house, and do all of the other ordinary work of a normal day.

You're on a tight budget, I see from another post, and you've been caring for your mother for seven years. Okay. So, who are you in touch with? What about medical, social care, nursing or other professionals? Who else, outside "the family," is aware of your mother's situation?

It's time to consider the village approach. WAY too high care needs here for ONE caregiver.

It's not that you are failing or givng up! You just need a new plan for MORE care - one that looks after BOTH of you.

My usual comment: if you broke your leg, what is your backup plan? Don't get stuck in the 'only family' can help rut. Agree with CM: reach out to the professionals around you.

"My family does not like convelasant homes I can't put her there."

And they are sacrificing YOU to the cause.

DO NOT LET THEM DO THIS. Do you live with your mother in her house? Or does she live with you in yours? Are you her POA/HCPOA? Is she still considered competent to make her own decisions?

Ask yourself if your mother would want to do this to you. Some probably would, but most mothers would not want to burden their children.

If the authorities were to discover that you are locking mom in, you most likely would be brought up on charges. Mom taken from the home to become a ward of the state. All it would take is a neighbor or even a sibling or other relative to make the report to the authorities. Locking her in is illegal. Are there bars on the windows too?

Mom needs more care than you can provide. Call the Area Agency on Aging for help to find the resources you and mom need. It is past time to find the best care and solution for mom.

Stop and ask yourself - Is your mother really happier and better cared for locked in like a prisoner, not understanding why, than in a facility?
Of course you need to sleep. If you haven't been successful finding a medication that guarantees you several uninterrupted hours at night then perhaps it is time you acknowledged that this is a task that is beyond what one person, no matter how loving and well intentioned, can do. There are other options, but all of them involve sharing the load, such as sending her to adult day care which may tire her out so she sleeps at night, hiring caregivers to cover the shifts you can't. It's time to look outside the box you're accustomed too.

You are putting your family at risk because "We don't like convalescent homes". When she burns down the house, no one will have a home. Who is we? Her or someone else who does not care for her? Tour some AL homes, do your homework, IMO she needs to be placed before something terrible happens. There will be no peace of mind as long as she lives with you. People her age want to socialize with people their age, once settled in, many thrive, as long the helicopter family members allow them to.

You are a loving person for enduring such a valiant task. But you are in over your head and it's only going to get worse. Love is not going to solve this problem. Preventing your mom from injuring herself and others is a very low bar for her care. In the process you are compromising 3 people: her, yourself and your son. Everyone is orbiting around your mom and it's not really benefiting her and now you have to worry about being reported even though locking her in is the logical thing to do. Other commenters have asked important questions and given wise advice. Please take it and do not let old-fashioned notions of NHs and family pressure change your mind. If they don't think it's so bad let THEM try it. Give family members a hard deadline after which date you will no longer be providing care. They can take her in while you're all working together to find an appropriate care facility (memory care). Wishing you rest for your weary soul!

I think I would prefer to alarm the door so it notifies me of her attempts to leave her room. Systems are available that are not very expensive. I alarmed our doors when Luz continually tried to go outside and it worked.
As to the gas stove. Try contacting your gas company about installing an electrically operated gas valve that shuts the gas supply off to the stove. Around here our restaurants have them on their grills and such. Should there be a power failure or equipment malfunction the gas is shut off automatically. I am sure that you could have one installed that can be activated by a key switch in the kitchen or operated by the smoke detector. I would opt for the key switch.
Maybe a child proof lock could be installed on the fridge.

I agree with Geaton777. This will soon sleep deprive you to the extent you could be in danger of being the one whose health and life are in danger. First of all your Mom has become in danger to the max degree as her dementia is severe and she is wakeful at night. She should not even be sleeping on a different floor. She should now be in 24 hour care, where there are caregivers around at night. Anything else constitutes a GRAVE DANGER to her and to you. She could exit the house some way. You cannot live a life locking doors and all devices and you cannot make it safe enough. Time for a family conference. You cannot go on like this. Your Mom needs 24/7 AWAKE care, memory care. The wanderers are in grave danger every second they are awake. Locked in is utterly out of the question, especially on another floor. Better the door alarm device, but trust me, you cannot get up and be up 5 and 10 times a night with this sort of thing. And yes, it will only get worse. You soon will be very ill. This isn't doable. Your family and the medical system can and will attempt to guilt you out; that's fine. It is worth wishing we were Saints over. It is worth wishing we could do it all. It is worth grieving. But this cannot be done. Get the family together for a conference now. Tell them that this cannot be done by you any longer. Begin to investigate options with them. If the will not participate let them know you will be doing this on your own, that you feel absolutely devastated by it, but cannot go on.

So sorry. I hope you will be able to find solutions soon.

It's so hard to hear how impossibly difficult your situation is. But I think you know what the right answer is. As everyone said, this cannot go on. What if there is a fire and your mom is locked in the room? She requires 24hr awake care. Has her doctor put her on any medications? Depending on the financial situation, Memory care or SNF are needed. "my family does not like nursing homes".....first, they are not that bad, and certainly better than the current situation. Second, wouldn't it feel good to know that she is cared for and watched over 24 hours a day and you can just go visit for as long as you want and just love her? Without stress? Thousands and thousands and thousands of people are in nursing homes and are doing just fine -- take a leap of faith. Taking care of a person means making sure they are getting good care, even if it means someone else is giving it. It couldn't be worse that the current situation. Your mom is not an animal, please don't lock her in. I care about your situation and you and your mom, I hope you can find a way to take a step back and look at things. Things can only get worse at home, and this can go on for years more. I'm sorry. On the other side of things, I'm a social worker, and no, you cannot lock her in. I'm begging you to stop and find a way to make a change.

I'm concerned that YOU will fall down the stairs. Sleep deprived people are prone to accidents.

Please, please take the wise advice given to you here.

Many hugs as you find solutions for your mother's care.

I understand that the situation is unbearable, but, as stated by others, you can't lock her in her room. It seems like this is just about impossible to manage at home alone.

I HATE nursing homes, BUT when it is desperate, you gotta do what you gotta do. Even though it may be quite challenging. She needs to be safe and you need to sleep.

A nursing home solves both problems. Having an overnight caregiver could be another solution.

Please get some help and take care of yourself.

I have not read the other replies yet.

" My family does not like convelasant homes I can't put her there." Who in the family does not like nursing homes and how dangerous does your situation need to be before you realize that the way you are living is not safe for anyone?

You are in over your head. Mum is at the stage that a village is needed to care for her, not just one woman and her son.

And yes, you could die from the stress. Then what happens to Mum? What happens if you have a stroke, heart attack, or collapse from exhaustion?

In a different post I mentioned a friend of my Mum who had early onset ALZ. Her wonderful husband died of stomach cancer 3 years into the diagnosis. She lived another 20 years.

Recently, someone else posted here asking what to do with a father who was acting violently when having his Depends changed, bruising & pinching his wife, etc. The family 'did not believe' in nursing homes, either, so they did not feel that was an answer to the difficult situation they faced. All of us commented that we felt dad should be placed in a Skilled Nursing Facility or perhaps his wife would need to be hospitalized as a result of the aggressive behavior. The original poster came back to lambaste all of us and let us know how awful & judgmental we were by even suggesting such a horrible thing as placement for her father. So I assume you don't want to hear that you need to place your mother in a Memory Care or Skilled Nursing Facility, am I right? Because that is my first and only useful suggestion, really. You know yourself that what you're doing isn't working, and mother is posing an enormous risk to you, to herself, to the house and to everyone's lives. Not on purpose, of course, but due to her dementia. I have a cousin who'd tie her mother down in her bed at night because she didn't 'believe in nursing homes' either. So, a person would need to either change their belief systems or risk getting arrested THEMSELVES for trying to protect their loved ones.
I have no useful suggestions for you, unfortunately, because I can't think of one single thing you can do to protect your mother or yourselves from what's happening right now. I'd like to wish you good luck & Godspeed, though, and send you a big hug.

Call 911 and get her admitted to a hospital. And DO NOT let them send her home with you. Social workers will have to get her placed somewhere. Tell the hospital staff that it is not safe for her in your home, which is true! It isn’t safe for her or you!

Locking her in her room by herself is just not smart. She can climb out the window too. They had patients like that when my mother was in SNF..one walked up & down hallways all day long. She also wore a GPS bracelet around her ankle. Someone should sleep in same room as your mother. What about if she has emergency...nobody will know or hear her. If EMS comes to house & sees the set up, they will write a report & send it to APS . Take her to ER & they will place her. She is not the first one to wander...good luck!

When we need surgery, we go to a surgeon.
When we need dental care, we go to a dentist.
When we have an emergency, we call 911
But when a parent needs 24/7 care and supervision, then ONE child (usually a daughter) has to do it all, and some people will shame her if she complains and wants respite or a life of her own.

What an awful, difficult situation you are in.

Hugs! May God guide you.

I don’t like to disagree with people whose opinions are usually so good, but years as a lawyer taught me never to accept without checking what clients said about documents and even less what they said about the law. I’d ask how the law defines locking someone in. Locking the front door? The gate? A toddler door across the top of the stairs? Size of area in which the person is locked? Sure, if you went out for the day and left mother locked in her room, you could be contravening something about ‘imprisonment’, particularly if she didn’t have food and water. If she was pounding on the door and screaming to be let out, the neighbours might have a good complaint. But if you are just down the hall, on the spot for any emergency, and waking up if you hear something bad, I would have serious doubts about ‘illegal’. Even more doubts about a successful prosecution.

However I quite agree that this isn’t the best option for her, or for you. For now, I’d keep locking the door, if it works for both of you. If someone does come to investigate, it may be exactly what you need to convince yourself and the family that she would be better off somewhere that can provide 24 hour care.

OK so I looked it up – thanks for the reference. Section 237 provides penalties for false imprisonment. Section 236 is referred to like this: “In order for you to be found guilty of false imprisonment under California Penal Code 236, the prosecution must prove beyond a reasonable doubt that you intentionally and unlawfully restrained, detained or confined a person; AND your act made the person stay or go somewhere against his or her will.” It’s worse if “your act of false imprisonment occurred with violence, menace, fraud or deceit”.

Defences are stated to include “You acted in good faith – your restraint was caused by reasonable belief that the alleged victim could endanger him/herself or others” and /or “The victim’s presence was voluntary – you did nothing to force the victim to stay and they were not being held against their will.” I'm quoting from the legal firm posting on Google regarding the Code and its meaning.

You should of course explain it to mother, but you would anyway. I’m sticking to my comments - if you are just down the hall, on the spot for any emergency, and waking up if you hear something bad, I would have serious doubts about ‘illegal’, and even more doubts about a successful prosecution. I'm startled by Worried's implication that locking the front door overnight might be illegal. Don't worry quite so much - the police support locking the door!

There have been US (and other) cases reported world wide of relations being locked inside houses for years, and it's no surprise if it's illegal. Keeping mother safe overnight is just a bit different, don't you think? Anyway, that's enough, I'm sticking to my assessment of the commonsense of your legal system.

Margaret, of course the regulations are not applied anything like as stringently to domestic settings, and of course considerable allowances are made for untrained family members doing their best under stress, but locking a person in her bedroom is a classic example of a "Deprivation of Liberty" and any risk or needs assessor would fall down in a dead faint over it.

Waking up because you're just down the hall? What, at three in the morning when you're severely sleep-deprived? Not a chance; and besides if the idea is that you wake up when you're needed, why not put an alarm on the door instead? And apart from the obvious physical and environmental risks of leaving mother locked in her room alone and crashing around, what about the additional fear and confusion caused to a woman who is already fearful and confused? Being confined in a room you want to leave, and probably not understanding that it's been locked from the outside, could be terrifying for her.

Securing external doors at night is fine - the parallel would be doors with key codes in memory care units. Locking the *kitchen* door to prevent access would be fine (although if the OP's house is open plan obviously that idea wouldn't help). The falls risk on the stairs could also be addressed - not a child-proof stairgate, because, holy Heaven, mother would probably try to climb over it, but there will be other barriers designed for adults' safety. It's the kind of situation that an occupational therapist would love to get her teeth into.

But in any case the main point is that it is simply not possible for one individual, no matter how dedicated and loving, to meet the needs of an able-bodied person with dementia during this phase. The OP must get help - not because an over-zealous APS might decide to make an example of her, but because she and her mother desperately need help.

First of all the store was not concerned about my wife walking slow. I was worried about getting her out of the store in the event of an emergency. Like we had a couple of years ago. Two shooter had just killed two police officers and ran into Wahl mart to hide. Shots were fired inside the store and as peope do, there was panic.
In another store a fire was set in the clothing department. alarms went of and those that had sense started to exit the store like a christmas sale was in the parking lot.
Imagine you in that situation and only one of the front exits was available. The next marked exit was waaay back there. You need to get out in a hurry. Your life depends on it.
Luz would have just looked at me would not know what to do even if was pulling and urging her to run.
The fire marshal told there are many doors in the front of the store. Which are for different venues in the from. Things like the pharmacy, the optometrist, etc. Those businesses would be locked after a certain hour. You ain't getting out through an unidentified door.
One crazy shooter or explosive device would be enough to kill or injure. Courtesy will be long gone if panic sets in.

worriedincal, I will agree that Mom may need more help than the OP can currently provide. However she sounded like she wanted to keep her at home. I was answering her question on that line.
I wanted to keep Luz at home with me as well and I did everything I could to do that. Alarms, locks, lights, platforms, sleeping on the couch near her sleeping on the love seat. I even slept on the floor when slept in the tv area when she could not get to or into the bed.
I did all of that and more when required. I was tired and worn out but I had her with me. I would do it all over again for her to this day.
I have noted on here that care giving like mentioned here is 27 hours a day and 8 days a week. I felt like that and still believe it.
Near the end I was looking to buying sleeping cot because Luz would get down on the floor to sleep like I would. And then have trouble getting up.
It was only when I started experiencing pain in my legs and back that I thought more actively of placing her in a SNF. I hated that idea and told her so. But it was becoming clear to me that I must do this thing. I think she understood.

I hope I have explained my point of view in lending my opinion on things the OP can look into to keep Mom at home.

“Her mind is so bad and I can hardly handle her.” Ummm... no. If you are having to revert to locking your mother into a room for 8 hours at a time - I’ve got news for you - you can’t handle her.

Hey - it’s not a crime to admit that caring for a wandering, demented elderly loved one is more than you can do. There’s no shame or blame in it. It’s frickin’ hard!

However, it is a crime to lock someone in a room for eight hours. In this case it would be considered Elder Abuse and you would be arrested. Depending on your area there is a possibility the media would catch wind of the situation and your mugshot and charges would be featured on the local news and in the local newspaper - along with their on-line editions. On a slow news day neighboring states could pick up the story as well. I see stories like yours a couple of times a year, sadly. So, there will be lots of shame and blame once you are “caught”.

Look, I’m not unsympathetic to your situation. I have a mobile 6’2”, 170 lb., 26 yr old man - with the mental capacity of a two yr old living in my home. I’ve been there - through much of what you’re describing. Luckily, certain ticks and phases pass with him - however, often reappearing in time. Right now I’ve got the knobs back on my stove and the door alarm on his bedroom door hasn’t gone off at night in a month or so. My latest problem is him locking the sliding glass door behind me when I take the garbage out or get the mail, etc...
I do understand.

But all that still doesn't make what you’re doing okay. It just not a good idea. Frankly, I find it so disturbing I haven’t been able to sleep since I read your post.

Pleeese - let go of this nonsense that your mother can’t be put into a care facility! It would be the best, safest and most appropriate and most humane option for your mother. AND, FOR YOU!!!

Just want to say, it’s very hard to make the correct decision when we are burned out, sleep deprived caregivers. This kind of stress makes me dementia like. I feel for you, I get ya.
Keep reading here...they’ll keep ya alive Misseverything!
💜

Hi Misseverything. I fear that we are entering this territory with my dad. I just ordered door alarms in case he tries to leave. He was up at 2:30 dressed and ready to go this morning. Thank God he couldn't get up off the couch! So he laid down and went to sleep. He talks more and more about "going home" and has even packed a bag and was going to hitchhike. I even placed him in a very nice, clean RCF on Tuesday but they called me and said we can't keep him unless we can drug him to reduce his anxiety. So we went and got him and drove him home. But I'm still thinking placement is best for all and working in that direction. You say your family doesn't like nursing homes. Well, nursing homes are for those who need more "medical care" but care homes or board and care homes are for those who don't need the level of "nursing" care and a lot of them are very good. And a lot do "nursing" care too. Would your family like to attend YOUR funeral and then have to care for mom without you? Tough question I ask but you're worried about your own health. It sounds like it's time to do something else. I'm in CA too and I know there are options. Is she getting excellent care from you? Your being tired, worn out and stressed? It's all perspective. My dad is 90. He's had a good life and did what he wanted to do. If he were in his right mind I don't think he'd want us all stressing out about him. HE even put his own mother in a board and care because my mom couldn't do her care. Please talk to your family and re think placement. For your own health.

If you decide to continue to lock her up I would get a baby camera or something similar, so you can monitor her.  You can have it hung high on the wall so she can't reach it then you can monitor it from your phone.  Be sure to get one that swivels so you can change the direction of the camera.  Maybe install it when she's not there.  I'm sorry for all you're going through.  Please reach out to the County or Alzheimer Association.  The AA has 24 hour social workers that can talk to you and help you.   Just pull up their website, put in what state you live in and you'll get a phone number.   I found this on the general AA site without putting a state in 1 (800) 272-3900

I am sorry you are going through that. Make sure all the smoke alarms and carbon monoxide detectors have working batteries and maybe place one of those emergency fold-out ladders in her room in the event that you and she have to evacuate out a window. My situation with my mom is similar but not that bad. She does really strange things with food in the middle of the night and has no recollection at all of it (e.g., eating an entire gallon of ice cream, or a jar of raspberry jam. She has also let our new rescue dog, Ernie, in the middle of the night, resulting in him being picked up by police as a lost dog TWICE in the last two months which cost us $187 each time.

This is a very bad situation. Maybe it's time to find a place for her so she will be safe and you can have some peace and keep your sanity.