I have been caring for my mother and her husband for 5 years and both have dementia, and no help is coming! Advice?

It sounds like its time to push the nuclear button. What that means is you need to call 911 at the next violent episode and tell the police and the medics you fear for your safety and your mothers. Have her transported to the ER. Tell the SW and case manager at the ER you can no longer safely take care of her and they are going to need to find an appropriate facility. That's it. End of discussion. I feel your pain and I'm sorry you have to go through this, I've been there. There is no other alternative and there is clearly a hole in our health care system that you and many others have found themselves in. The hospital becomes the only option as much as some of the staff there may not like it. And no, please don't worry about any charges, that's not happening based on what you wrote here. You have done the absolute best you can and just do not have anymore to give. Its time to take care of you.

Contact your local Agency on Aging or your local Senior Center. Ask to talk to a Social Worker if they have one and explain the situation. They will help determine what services are available to you, your mom and her husband. They may also be able to help with the paperwork you need for Medicaid.

Is your mom or her husband a Veteran? If so contact the VA and find out what they can do to help. Or look up the Veterans Assistance Commission in your area. The help that they provide is free and they can research to determine what help is available.

If there is no one else to help your mom you could contact the Legal Aid and find out the process of making her a Ward of the State. The State would then be in charge of her care and make all decisions as to her welfare. Same with her husband.

You could also contact APS and tell them that you can no longer care for them and see what options they suggest.

If at ANY TIME you have to call 911 for transport to the hospital do NOT take them home. Ask to talk to a Social Worker. Tell the Social Worker that it is unsafe for either of them to be brought back into your home. (I do hope it is your home not their home....whole 'nuther discussion if that is the case")
You tell the medical staff, the Social Worker that it is an "UNSAFE DISCHARGE" they will not , or they should not release them at that point.
Please note this includes when your mom gets violent. You call 911 and tell the dispatcher that you are afraid for your safety as well as that of your mothers husband. Request that she be transported. Again with her violence it would be an UNSAFE DISCHARGE so they can not send her home as it is unsafe for you.

If this is their home not your home you can contact APS and report them as being vulnerable seniors. You will have to move out.

Related to your profile - if you need to go to the doctor, then you need to go to the doctor. You will have to find someone to care for your mom so you can take care of yourself. Please, put yourself find a way to put yourself first.

Related to your post -
No, it does NOT sound like you are over reacting! You are burnt out and ready to collapse. Many people have been in your shoes and it's not a good thing.

Have either of them been declared incompetent? Do you have POA?

Have you tried to hire help? Have you considered putting them in a nursing home?
Even put them somewhere for respite care for 2 weeks so you can get some sleep and take a shower and relax! And figure out what to do next cuz this has got to change ASAP.

So sorry that you are going through such a tough time.

I’m exhausted with just one 94 year old mother with dementia! & I have one private pay Aide 35-40 hours a week!

Call 911 for them & tell them which hospital to take them to & then follow in car. Tell ER you’re unable to care for them anymore. Get them placed in facility. If they have $$$, see Elder law Atty about Medicaid LTC after Medicare short term…so it kicks in without interruption. It’s very difficult to care for one parent with dementia & this is double whammy. You can’t care for them at home. You’d need 2 or 3 shifts of 2 Aides each..because nobody is going to come into a situation with 2 dementia patients! You done it long enough…time to take care of yourself now! Nobody else will take care of you….As far as paperwork for Medicaid, the SNF Medicaid office can do it if you don’t need lawyer to shelter $$$ or it can just be spent down. When placing them, make sure they go to same facility & can be in same room too.

& Since you’ve been caregiver for at least 2 years, you may continue to live in home without fear medicaid will take it…

Good luck & Hugs 🤗

You can't handle a dementia patient without training, facilities and 2 more shifts. You have to find a facility as much as you may not want to. You're not chumping out or giving up by doing so. My grandmother developed dementia and my mom wanted to care for her and tried but she couldn't. The assisted living facility here was cheaper than most but still ate up a hell of a lot of money on top of Medicare. Grandma had means but she didn't have much to leave the family when she passed as she would liked to have done.

Not a good situation at all. If their doctors are of no help in guiding you, have you tried ADRC at 855-937-2372 ?

I entered 'how to get government help for dementia patients in TX" in the search bar and the first listing was:

https://www.dshs.texas.gov/alzheimers/options.shtm

That's where I found ADRC and the phone number. The primary website won't be a lot of use to you, as it talks about various options that would have to be paid for (in-home care, adult day care, facility care.) Assumption is they don't have much in the way of assets, either liquid (savings) or real estate (house.)

If you haven't tried this number, perhaps they can help or get you to the right place for assistance.