I have been a caregiver for MIL (87). She said she hopes I know she appreciates what we do for her. I said no she expects it. Oops. Advice?

Why isn’t your husband taking care of her? She’s not YOUR mother. Let your husband deal with her demands and entitlement.

It’s difficult to change money terms once it’s already established. If DH is willing, have him tell her that since he and you are getting older, you’re not able to do all those tasks. Then change the way it’s handled.

Arrange for home delivery of her groceries. Many places it’s free or low cost for seniors. Switch to Doctors Who Make House Calls, so no doctor appointments to deal with. And, assign out most things to others who will have their own charge.

If she can’t afford to do that, I’d just try to downscale the tasks as much as possible. With someone that age....I’d just try to make it work. She won’t change. When dealing with frustrating family dynamics, I try to forgive, distract myself with positive things, prayer, give thanks for all my blessings and realize I will get jewels in my crown one day. Lol

I don't have enough info to figure out if she just caught you at a bad moment and you were unable to be gracious or if she is a nightmare person and you finally snapped. My response would be different depending on the circumstances. If you were tired and stressed and when she said it you just blurted out your real feelings then I'd apologize to her and try to realize that she probably does appreciate what you do for her, she just doesn't understand ALL that you do for her and she probably never will. My dad never really understood all that it took to keep him in his home, and I was the only one doing it all. If she is a generally non-appreciative and truly demanding person and thinks that she owns your life because she gives you $200 a month to be at her beck and call, then I'd try to talk with her, along with your husband, to try to find a way to lessen your burden while still meeting her needs. He needs to be part of this since it's his mother.

Do you realize that your comment to her was equally passive aggressive (and very telling)? You didn't say something you didn't mean -- you DID mean it. You just blurted it out from a place of resentment and fatigue. So, what are you going to do about the fact that the caregiving seems to be burning you out? Patching things up with your MIL is not enough. Of course she'll "get over" it..she needs her servant! Please have a calm, honest discussion with your husband. If he doesn't put you as a priority before his mother, this is a red flag in your marriage that you need to deal with immediately. I wish you success in navigating this situation and sincerely hope your husband will be your defender.

Unfortunately when you get paid to do things then people are entitled to expect us to do the things that we are paid to do. Even when we accept a pittance it gives us a disadvantage of being viewed as paid help.

If you feel like it is not enough pay then address that issue and then let her know that she is entitled to expect that you will do what you agreed to do if you are being paid a fair wage for what you are doing.

It is a challenge to make sure that we don't get trapped into being used by our elders because they pay us. They don't understand the economics of 2020 and think that they are being overly generous by paying 200.00 a month for a personal slave. It is up to us to help them understand that they are really only paying for the fuel, if that, so we can do what we do.

I would have the hard conversation with her and hopefully there will be peace achieved, if not tell her that you will help her find someone that can help her instead of you. She might just decide that she doesn't need a personal slave when she is confronted with the actual expense.

Your question is rather vague
How much caregiving do you do? Is it 8 hours a day, 7 days a week? Is it preparing all her meals?
I shop for my parents, (insta carr or walmart pick up), I mow my parents yard,and batch cook my dads meals every two weeks, but I see them 2 days a week, talk to them everyday and still have plenty time for myself and my grandkids

I have the same question as brtrains - just how much caregiving are you doing? She still lives in her house, I take it. Why can't she do any of the things you do for her? How much time does it take each month, and how does $200 break down to hourly pay?

Does she have other children besides your H?

Tell your husband how you feel very frankly and what he can and must do to help. A family meeting with your MIL might also help to establish expectations and boundaries. If your MIL has always had everything done for her, she must have the means to pay for outsourced services. Having a paid non-medical caregiver “Granny Nanny” type person may solve the problem in the short term. It sounds like she does not yet have dementia.

Whether your MIL realizes it or not, $200 a month is an insult and I wouldn’t take any money if I were you. Others have assumed you are a “slave” to your MIL but somehow I doubt it. I think you just don’t want to face the adult discussions that are required to improve the situation. Going forward is going to be so much more difficult if you don’t deal with your husband and his mother now.

I see so many posts on this website that are full of resentment...almost hatred. Yet when the inheritance materializes, these same adult children gladly take the money and think they are entitled to it. Or they hate their parents even more when they die because there is nothing left at the end to repay them for all the “sacrifices” they think they have made for their parents. Sometimes the hope of an inheritance is the only reason these resentful adult chiIdren do not want to use their parent’s resources to provide appropriate care for them. It all cuts both ways. Sometimes the problem is YOU.

I feel so sorry for all the old people who have the misfortune to be cared for by such a group of hostile, resentful, and often selfish people. Most of these writers will live to see themselves in the same state of helplessness and have family caregivers who will resent you just as much. You took care of your own babies. Why is it so hard to grasp that taking care of your elderly parents is an expected part of the life cycle? If you live long enough, you too will expect someone to care of and care about you when you are in the frail elderly stage of life. Why shouldn’t your 87 year old mother in law expect to be taken care of? This is going to happen to everyone who has the misfortune of living to be “inconvenient” to their children. Your own children will observe your attitude toward your elderly relations and see it as permission to resent you just as much when you are old. Think about it.

My mother’s children took care of her until she was admitted to a nursing home at the age of 99. We visited her in the nursing home 4 times a week. We were happy when she died because we knew she would never have wanted to find herself in such an advanced state of deterioration and helplessness. Some of the five siblings helped but most didn’t do much. One of her children did all the hard work with support from one other. That’s life. Deal with it.

My answer is very simple, since I have the same with my Mom AND Dad.   My Mom thanks me but I definitely feel she expects it and she has said even though she has 3 sons... I am her daughter and I should be doing this.
I wanted to scream.
My simple answer, scream with friends that will listen, go out for a drink, walk, something fun that YOU enjoy.
AND definitely lessen your time with your MIL, even if it's just for a few weeks.
It helped me...yes I felt some guilt but my NOT taking care of myself was NOT helping her or me.    Dad in Hospital/Rehab.   She as apt alone.  
I needed time to mediate/pray and know that this is difficult for her too but I do not deserve to be disrespected and her and I had that conversation.
Not much has changed except for me taking the time for myself AND keeping my visits shorter and doing what I know needs to be done and some of what I wanted to do, like plant flowers in front of her apt.   makes me feel better and I know she appreciates it.... WE can not change the circumstances of what is happening but we can try to make it less painful and try to be empathetic …
having a small short conversation saying you are doing the best that you can for her but that you wish to be NOT disrespected and taken for granted.   let her talk and just be a sounding board.

Hope this helps
Lauren
Loving Daughter with 3 brothers,
Loving Mother of 3 sons
I pray to God I am learning what he is trying to teach me

Can you not appreciate someone who fulfils your expectations? Particularly if those expectations are within reasonable bounds (are they?).

Still, although I'm sorry for the frustration on your side (hugs) and the hurt on hers (oops indeed!), it -

I was going to say, it won't have done her any harm to hear a home truth. But on reflection, yikes, yes, it probably did hurt, and more to the point it might for the time being have shaken her confidence in you.

- but it is all the same Too Late. You'll both just have to let water pass under the bridge.

Since it doesn't sound like she has Dementia and can take care of herself (shower and dressing) it sounds like it is time for her to go into an assisted living type facility. Find one that will do her laundry, fix meals, beauty shop services and check in on her. With her in a place such as this you don't have to worry about her and she will be in a safe place. If she is having memory issues then find a memory care center for her.

This way you can go an enjoy a visit with her, without the burden of taking care of her house, which is a lot of extra work, but you will still have to take her to doctor appointments and shopping when needed. Taking care of her house is a huge task and you can use that time to enjoy yourself and your family. When you visit her you can take her something special or a treat she loves. My mother had Alzheimer's and my brother took care of her, took care of her house, took her to all of her appointments, finding people to stay with her 24/7 when he was unable to be there, etc., plus trying his best to be with his own family and take care of his own house. It really took a toll on him physically and mentally. I was unable to be there to help, living almost 700 miles away and had a full time job to support my family. When we finally put her into a memory care center for her own safety, it took my brother at least a year before he almost felt like his old self.

Wishing you the very best, whatever you decide to do.

We ALL say things out of frustration and fatigue that we wouldn't normally say.

Not knowing your base relationship with your MIL--maybe she'll let it go after a while.

MY MIL remembers things that happened in the Truman administration and is absolutely as angry NOW as she was in the '50's. Not HER 50's the 1950's.

Dh and I were dating when she had her gallbladder out. We were not bothering her at all, in fact, I cooked several meals for her specifically, but she hated me being in her house and would wait up until DH and I had finished studying to yell down the stairs "TAKE HER HOME ALREADY. I CAN'T GO TO SLEEP WITH 'HER' HERE."

Ok, at the time, kinda funny.

Flash forward 44 years and she maintains she has not slept since 1976 when I entered her life.

It's taken almost all of those 44 years to get to a point where she is NOT in my life in any way, shape or form.

In her case, there is no hope for any kind of reconciliation, nor do I want one.

I did practice the 'I'm sorry, this is my fault' for many years and it made things much worse. Distance was the only saving grace. I think you can mend things with your MIL--but DH has to be involved. That was part of my problem. DH would NOT step up for me. Never, not once.

Marrying a mama's boy is a rough way to go.

I'd say she sounds competent and demanding. Does she have all her legal papers in order for POA for medical, financial? Where's hubby in this? Love can only be so supportive; it's the mental and emotional toll on the primary caregiver which sounds like you. $200 on the low end of the wage scale buys 10 hours of care. Have you ever calculated how many hours you put in? Might be time to revisit the attorney and have an official caregiver agreement drawn up. Of course that might also mean accepting the fact that you will inherit the house? And so you continue on? Would any other siblings contest this? Then I'd say you really need to log your time and efforts. You need to forgive yourself for the honesty of the moment. And if she truly appreciates all you do, (perhaps she needs an explanation of the amount of time and energy?) she ought to get over it.

Over the years that I was the primary care giver for my mom we had many little verbalized slips of resentment and frustrations with each other. What we would usually come to was that she did expect me to do everything for her, but that was because she was not capable of figuring out alternatives. It was difficult to get her to understand that I have a job, so didn't have time and energy to do it all. The first time I hired a home care person to help out, she was so angry and embarrassed that she wouldn't speak to me for a week. She couldn't admit to anyone outside the family that she needed help, that she couldn't keep her own house clean, do yard work any longer, remember to take her meds, cook her meals, etc. She did appreciate me. And she did need help. The huge difference between us was that the liked to fight and I am a peaceful sort. She would be angry many times, then apologize. With her memory issues she would forget what went on, but she could remember her feelings. Once she called and asked what we had been fighting about. She wanted to continue fighting, but needed to know the topic of the fight first. She changed over the years and now in assisted living she has turned amazingly sweet. With the virus I have to visit her through the window or make appointments to have garden visits, which are timed, distanced, and behind masks. I'd take those long ago difficult days back if I could, back when we could hug and make up, when I could give her a foot massage or fix her hair for her. My point is that care giving is really difficult for everyone involved. Little and big annoyances will eventually come out. Find more help if you can't do it all. For some of it you will have to say no. A lot of it you will most likely continue to do.

So she said something really nice to you and she got a slap down for it? I guess she won't try THAT again.
Apparently you have taken on this care without setting any boundaries for your own life and your own home. That is on you, not on your MIL.
Apology is fine. Now it is time to sit and set down in writing a c. ontract and rules. You say she is passive aggressive. Why is she living with you? Is she in some way, either physically or mentally disabled? If not it is time to figure out what her part of the activities needed for daily living she will be responsible. What nights of the week she will cook in return for your taking her say shopping, to appointments and etc.
You make your own choices in life. Good luck moving forward for a better agreement.
Where does your husband fit in all of this? He just lets the girls squabble?

I think that when she told you that she appreciates what you do, that she meant it. That doesn't mean that she's not also passive-aggressive. Just playing devil's advocate (which may not be what you need--if that's the case, read no further): Does she pay you, personally, or might she think that the $200 covers for both you and your husband, and everything the both of you do? I also am assuming she pays for the actual cost of the house maintenance. I do believe that this will eventually 'iron itself out', and I'm sure you'll have learned much from analyzing the situation, which is a very good thing.

I cared for my 87 year old mom for five years (82-87) before my sister 'took over'/took her turn, which is how things are now. One of the most difficult things for me was the fact that she had NO idea of the cost of items and labor--she had no idea of what minimum wage is, much less what a skilled plumber, electricial, landscaper, etc. earned fairly. Also, I was VERY embarassed that she adamantly refused and saw no need to tip any of these folks--she I always ended up following them outside and giving them cash for a fair tip for their time (my mom can afford it, and I can't, but ...) This is to say, maybe your MIL has the same lack of understanding of fair pay is these days? It was a very awkward and embarrassing situation for me.

Any other relatives (grandkids, nieces/nephews) that could help you guys out? Perhaps have someone do weekly grocery shopping, or keep you company occasionally for a few hours and help clean the house?

For me at least, and I think it's fairly common from this forum, Caretaking is a constant push-and-pull of genuine caring and resentment. Keep yourself healthy and bear in mind you'll eventually be 'free'.

As our elders grow older they do become more demanding. Certain unpleasant aspects of their personalities become stronger. For me it has helped a great deal to email all of the family suggesting ways they can help. It took a while but eventually everyone took a part, of course some more than others. My mom and my husband's aunt both have sitters which relieves a lot of the work needed. They are enjoying a good relationship with these ladies. Even part time help would be a welcome relief.

I don't see where poster says that her MIL is living with her or v.v. Nor does she suggest her MIL has dementia.

In my experience with my own MIL, she thought $200 was A LOT of money. Period. My MIL also used money as a form of control as in "I'm paying and therefore I dictate the terms and I get what I want."

You apologized; however, as others have pointed out, you did not resolve the problem. You need to sit down with your husband and discuss with him what you are willing to do and what you aren't willing to do for his mother.

I would bring it up again with her in a calm and loving manner, something along the lines of "MIL dear, I'm getting older and taking care of your house, pets and errands is becoming more difficult for me. My outburst the other day was out of frustration. Let's talk about making some changes to how we get your needs met that's within your budget." Then be quiet and listen to what she says.

Things to consider:
Grocery delivery
Cleaning service or housekeeper who comes highly recommended
Car service to appointments

What type of pets? Does she need a dog walker?

Appointments can become overwhelming for caregivers. Not all appointments are necessary, and you don't have to accompany her to all appointments. More and more patients are requesting telehealth services. Maybe she needs a helper one or two days a week.

NYS,

I have read the replies and I can hear the frustration in your post.

It is ok that you snapped, we all do at some point. There is a sometimes fine and sometimes very broad line between appreciation and expectation. And the view from either side of the line is different.

$200 a month is not very much money at all. In my province at minimum wage it pays for 13 hours of work. How many hours a month are you and your dh having to devote to your MIL's needs?

You have not given much in the way of details, age, where she is living, how close it is to your home etc.

My former MIL played the needy woman to a T. She had two sons, but somehow everyone expected me to step up. Like your MIL she has diabetes and anxiety. My last straw was when her neighbour called me to say she needed groceries. I had called her 2 days prior when I was going shopping to ask if she needed anything. She said nope. I was thoroughly ticked off.

I had a year or more before suggested she sign up for free grocery delivery. She refused, why? Because she wanted to go to Walmart and spend hours going up and down every aisle in the store. I do not shop at Walmart and was not going to waste an afternoon there.

After her neighbour called her, I told her enough, she signed up for grocery delivery or took a cab, I was not helping any more. She signed up the next day and loved the service until she went into AL. Years before this, she had signed up for Rx delivery and that was a godsend.

I also told her sons that she was not my mother and I was not doing anything further for her. Keep in mind I was working 6 days a week, had kids at home and a hubby who worked from home 4 days a week, who set his own hours and could easily take her to appointments.

It is hard to put boundaries in place, but in the long run it is worth it. You are the one who decides how much or how little you are willing to do for her. Not your MIL, not your DH. You decide which days you will be available and what times on those days. And choosing to no longer be available is an option too.

I have a mother who has complained for my entire life that she does not have a decent carving knife. Not my problem. I respond with why in 50+ years have you not bought one if it is an issue? If your mother in law needs house work done, that is her responsibility as a home owner. If her pets need care, that is her responsibility as a pet owner. Not your problem.

I have said it before on another thread. If main carers are compensated properly (if their parents have the funds) then there would be much less resentment towards siblings esp.
I am the main carer for both parents in their late 80s. I draw the line on personal care but do cook numerous meals a week, clean their home, look after meds and appts etc. I have siblings but I live closest so you know what happens. Automatically you fall into that role.
My parents realized at some point that it would be fair to compensate me. (In my country gifts from parents are tax free). They gift me very well which translates to $15 to $20 per hour. They know to get outside help would cost them more. I keep my siblings in the loop and they are willing to step in once in a while when I need a break.
I have also experienced criticism from one sibling but it’s amazing the peace you have when you just move on.

I feel ya. Mine is my dad, he's got early onset dimensia, and yeah expects me to do everything for him. He has such horrible habits from having a wife that always did everything for him, he literally knows how to make toast and that's it, never cleans up. The things I know he's capable of I make him do, like make s sandwich, etc. He does say thank you but I'm a single mom, work 2 jobs, and what bugs the hell out of me is his attitude, I have to make him take pills, shower, walk, pay his bills, drive him everywhere, fill prescriptions, etc. I've also recently realized that despite the D he's a pathological liar. It's tough whatever the daily grind is when your taking care of someone. Reading posts on this site has helped me laugh, but maybe someone can take care of her for you for a couple days so you can get out of town and get s break, that helps too! Also what you said was honest, don't discount how important it is to speak your mind, people need to hear things that hurt sometimes. Good luck and God bless you

This is my second post for you. I have learned how to do as much online as I can from ordering groceries, having meals delivered, every insurance has a home delivery pharmacy. I use Amazon for almost everything else. Let her pay and save yourself time and effort! Give her a real chance to miss you.

Decide what can be "farmed out" to others and what things you "must do" or "are able to do." Unless you have POA and your parent is mentally incompetent, you do not have to do anything. Helping out is fine as long as you get to decide on how to help out.

Please have a few conversations with your life partner about: what kind of life you want to live, how much care you can reasonably give your parent, and what kind of compensation (if any) is needed. It you both work, that should also be factored into your decision-making. After you decide on what kinds of help you can give, let MIL know and help her acquire help from others for the rest of her needs.

Everyone of us says things we don’t mean to say, although MIL may not admit she’s ever done it. Your caregiver’s hurt is ongoing. Her *offended* hurt, by what you said, will subside. Or it won’t, especially if she feels *entitled* to be the recipient of your sacrifices. I am sorry for the pain you are feeling!

There’s not a lot more you can do to fix this, as you already apologized and your caregiving is still constant. If you can focus on the fulfillment of caring for her, and/or on whatever are the reasons and rewards for you in your attention to her, you can move past this slip of the tongue.

In all of our relationships, we can only change ourselves. While we hope to influence others, especially those we care for, we are not in control of *them* — we are only in control of ourselves.

Make a list of the best ways you can support yourself in spite of her. These are suggestions for your list: Tell her how you feel, lovingly. ... Give yourself time and permission to be healthy in mind, body, and spirit. ... Spend a little bit of that $200 on yourself — an inexpensive treat (favorite gourmet cookie?) that she buys for you each month. ... Journal, sing with the radio, watch funny TV or movies, read whatever amuses or inspires you. ... Do some adult coloring books, or knitting, or easy sewing, whatever engages your creativity. ... Remember that caregiving is a process and there are adjustments to be made sometimes in how we navigate the transitions.

Reaching out to this support group was an excellent choice for you to vent, which I need to do more regularly, in fact. I salute you and keep you in my well wishes!

After answering, I decided to read others’ answers. ... Maybe I had put the cart before the horse, and I’d be better to read other answers next time *before* writing mine.

The $200 seems to be a big concern for most of us. Does your MIL intend it to cover expenses? Or is it also intended to reward for investment of time? Where did that number come from, and does anyone keep track of the actual numbers involved in her expenses?

My other afterthought is about your DH, for whom you do the “heavy lifting” with your MIL. If he’s not giving you *some* kind of consideration for your labors of energy/work on his mother’s behalf, then he needs to hear from you *lovingly* about what you need from him!

Imho, your comment was a simple "slip of the tongue." Especially when relating to caregiving, it's easy to misspeak and you've already apologized to her, e.g. don't make it into a mountain; leave it as a mole hill.

Well, the toothpaste is already out of the tube but if MIL is lucid and mentions it, tell her you were having a bad day OR you were joking and it came out wrong. If you meant it, then it should not bother you anyway because you resent it. That part is obvious but you are NOT ALONE. This is a common topic on here and most are just about identical. Hang in there. It is tough and learn to be good to yourself because sometimes these in-laws don’t even consider the daughter-in-law and feel that since you come in the package with her son, that she is treating you like a daughter. Most complaints ARE daughters on here feeling under appreciated or even unloved. Let it go. We all let things slip out.

It strikes me as I read here on a regular basis that many caregivers seeking comfort, help, whatever are daughters-in law. So what I’d like to know is did you all step up and volunteer, did your spouse volunteer you, or did MIL know which of her kids’ guilt buttons to push. Question also for me, does MIL have daughter(s)? You know that it’s almost always the daughter’s duty to Mom. So what did they respond with?

For all of us - I know this isn’t comforting, but please, think twice before you get into caregiving, it’s tiring, stressful, thankless, time consuming, sometimes unpleasant, confining, hurtful and often demeaning. Not to mention guilt.

Guilt is the hardest for all. What will other people think. But mom, dad, whoever needs me. As a good daughter how can I say no. Maybe it won’t be too long. The others will surely help me. I can do it even if I’m sick, tired, depressed or in a horrible mood.

Please, please let’s be honest with ourselves. Try hard not to get forced into caregiving if you aren’t suited for it. Hard on your patient and hard on you if you’re resentful or resigned to the job. But if you do decide to go forward, keep reading this site because so many want to help and their responses are meaningful and good ones. I figure we are all “misery loves company” or more likely, “in the same boat”.

I would just let it go.
Honestly, the "I hope you realize how much I appreciate what you do" really irks me. If you ( the one needing caregiving) are not sure that I (the caregiver) know how much you appreciate what I do for you, the you ( the one needing care giving) needs to ask yourself what YOU can do to make sure I damn well know how much I'm appreciated.
A comment phrased like that is sort of a slap in the face of all of us caregivers...it seems to place the blame on US ( the caregivers) if we feel under appreciated.

By all means, you can share my thought process with your MIL if you think it will do any good.

You have all been so comforting and helpful! Just wanted to let you know that as a first timer here I felt safe and heard. When I had an operation MIL took care of me so I promised her I would do the same should she need it. I didn’t know it would turn in to so much. My husband is really good but is bipolar and has outbursts at time. Most of the time he aims to please his mom and me. The appointments are endless and he goes alone with her most of the time. The only good thing since Covid because I get a break as only he can go in the offices. We do live with her the last 2 years as many of you asked. Since my meltdown she couldn’t be sweeter with her words but I am sure it is fear of me abandoning her needs. This site with all your opinions is a lifesaver for me. I do gardening and swim in the pool and enjoy our animals to keep my sanity. Thank you all so much!