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My 95 year old mother is a hoarder, gambling addict and recently started drinking nightly. How do you get past the guilt and the feelings that you have done something wrong? I think she is treating me worse because I don’t go to her house every day or call her every day. She has made the choice to live alone. I can’t even get her to go to the doctors. She cancelled the foot doctor appointment. She won’t let me schedule a doctors appointment with her primary care physician. She treated me like sh*t at Christmas. She also left a voicemail on my phone last Friday night screaming that she is almost out of her heart medicine and did I call the doctor to find out where her medicine is? I talked to her Sunday. My birthday was Saturday. She never even mentioned my birthday on Friday or when I called her Sunday. How do you let go of the hurt? I have always made it a point to get her a card and present and take her out to dinner. Our relationship has gone from bad to worse. How do you heal from it? How do you stop feeling guilty and internalizing it? I can’t even imagine ever treating my kids like crap or vice versa. How do you deal with it?

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I know you are a frequent contributor on this forum with good advice for others. However, I am wondering if you can’t see the forest for the trees. You mention “guilt” over and over, but another contributor here says if you’ve done nothing wrong, there is no guilt. You have done nothing wrong.

Your mother Is seriously mentally ill. She is addicted to hoarding, gambling and alcohol. It sounds like she also has anger issues. This is a lot for a trained professional therapist to handle, much less a “lay person” such as yourself. She cannot be reasoned with. You can’t “fix” her. You need to call Adult Protective Services and report a Senior Adult At Risk.
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I am so sorry that your mothers antics are having such an adverse effect on you.

My mother is a problem too, has been all her life, I no longer speak to her, I just couldn't take the abuse any longer.

There is a type of guilt called "False Guilt". It is a tendency to feel guilty even if you have not done anything wrong or violated your core values. There are many articles on this, you may want to read up on it. I struggled with this for many years, it was a crazy cycle that did nothing but keep me stuck and miserable.

I really have no skills in dealing with a mentally unbalanced person, so I just have to walk away. My mother is now in AL, my brother deals with her, I work behind the scenes support and help him out, that is the best I can do.

I hope that this can somehow be resolved. Take care of you.
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I’m sorry that your mother is such a toxic mess. Please realize that you’ve done nothing to feel guilty about. She has issues that you can’t change or fix, it’s not on you. It may take you going to therapy to help with this and that’s okay
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Practice; it takes practice. Put your time and energy toward positive things such as a hobby. Cultivate relationships with positive people. Volunteer for a cause in which you believe.

Practice reciting a mantra, perhaps something like: "I love myself and protect myself from hurt".

"Our relationship has gone from bad to worse." Detaching from your mother was actually a loving thing you have done for the both of you. That may sound odd but recognize that she wasn't happy in your relationship either. For whatever her reasons, your mother cannot change. Yet changing the dynamics of your relationship was long overdue. Your detaching with love took courage. There's no need for you to feel guilty when you have done nothing wrong.
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You have been raised to have these feelings, taught for a lifetime to have them, so they are normal to you. Given they are a life's work they will take some time, and some therapy to untangle. You cannot fix the world. You aren't a Saint. You aren't a God. You can only make a good and decent and happy life for yourself. Do seek help. None of us are honestly qualified to deal with what has been a lifelong training in feeling bad about one's self. I wish you so much luck going forward.
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Thank you everyone. It’s easy to help somebody else and try to give other people advice. It’s hard for me to follow it. I need to follow your advice and follow my advice.
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mally1 Jan 2020
Elaine, all the heavy hitters are giving you answers to this one; you are wise enough to take their advice!
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Elaine ((((hugs))))))).

In your shoes, I would leave mom alone. I WOULD call her doctor's office and tell them that she is about to run out of meds but continues to cancel appointments and that she clearly needs more care than can be given at home.

Then sit down and type out that information and send it to the doc's office "return receipt requested". This is proof that you've notified the doc's office about the situation.

If they press you to bring your mother in, say "I can't possible do that; I have had the flu and now have pneumonia".

Your mother is "independent". Let her take a cab if she needs her meds.
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Elaine, I'm so sorry your mother is mentally ill. You've done the right thing for her to get help - that is, you have stopped enabling her. I might call the doctor's office to let them know that she needs help with refilling her meds, explain that you have not been able to convince her to go visit them in person, that you do not live with her and that you are not in any way her carer, and leave mom's DOB and phone number.

You will have passed on the information that she doesn't know what she's doing and they can talk to her - or not. You will have done a great service to her by communicating with someone who will likely record the information and possibly report her to APS if she becomes worse.

By stepping back, you are allowing her to be an adult with all the rights and privileges therein. You will be allowing her to swim on her own, as she wants to do. If she fails, you will have allowed her to fail on her own, without you trying to prop her up and feeling guilty as she declines farther because there's nothing you can do to stop her. Of course she's going to try to push every button you have - that's what addicts do. Only by failing miserably will she be able to get some kind of help for herself. Allowing her to fail is the biggest gift you can give her!

The Boundaries book was great for me. One of the authors, Henry Cloud, has a great number of free videos on the most popular site. This one might help you: "NECESSARY ENDINGS · Henry Cloud". I had to let mthr go because of similar behavior and that allowed her to get to the point where she has lived her last 7 years in a clean, safe place where she did not need to think to have meals and meds. What a blessing to her - but what a horrible life before that. Elaine, you have my support!
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Addicts are self centered. Your Mom has no idea how she is hurting you or does not care. Because its that next drink, that next gambling fix. You have done nothing to deserve the way she treats you. I don't think at 95 she is going to change so you need to.

I guess Mom doesn't realize no DR. visit no medication. In my state you need to get a new script every 6 months. Especially DEA controlled medications. Can't get it without seeing the doctor. There are some meds, especially at Moms age, that labs are needed to keep check on. Moms liver enzymes were high so she was taken off of Cholesterol meds.

As suggested call her Dr. Tell them Mom is unwilling to come in but she needs a refill. When they say no can do till she comes in...tell them they need to call her and tell her that.
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OMG what wonderful advice you have all given me. Thank you so much! I just need to LISTEN to all your advice. It is sound advice and I know you have all been through it. Thank you so much!! I am so grateful for this forum.
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burlebaby Jan 2020
Good Morning, Elaine, it’s heart wrenching what you’re going through. We have a neighborhood pharmacy (not a big chain) that will automatically refill our meds when its time and they deliver them to our house (no additional charge). When it's time for refills, they fax the doctor. Our doctor is a home care doctor so hubby doesn’t have to go out to him. As her situation changes, you may want to look for other alternatives, even Walmart delivers groceries to the home and now has a meal planning service to help her order groceries. Her days of getting
out to run errands are over, I would look for homebound services for her and reduce your obligations to her. I hope some of these ideas help. (((Hugs)))
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Hi Elaine, I am in the same position as you are although my mother is 78 and an alcoholic. I have struggled for years trying to get her to trust me to help her. As she has aged she is more anxious and paranoid. My step father who is younger is becoming burned out and getting over his own addictions. I have resigned to having a deeper relationship with God and realized that's the best thing I can do, let go let God! don't take what she does or says personally as I know it is so easy to do. Age plays havoc on the brain emotionally and have realized I cannot reason with this. Calling the doctor and explaining your dilemma is an excellent idea! Also the Department of Aging in your area might be able to lead you in a positive direction! Hang in there and remember elderly parents rarely listen to their children! Don't miss out on enjoying your life!
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Thank you so much Kandrew!!
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I have occasionally stopped talking to my mother when she becomes irrational. None of her issues go as far as your mom’s seems to, but I know that guilt feeling all too well.

I look at this way now. I have limited time left with my mother given her age of 78. (Admittedly that limited time could be 20+ years! 😂) While not speaking to my mom, if I get a call that she has died — will I still feel justified in disconnecting from her for my seemingly valid reasons at the time?

If the answer is no, then I cave and call her eventually. I even have to apologize for absolutely no reason since she will never, ever apologize or admit wrongdoing....but it is what it is. It’s less for her than for my own conscience and own well-being. I’d presumably have many more years left to live with that guilt with no way to fix it once she’s gone.

That said, your mom is clearly unwell on various fronts. And like many older parents, the self-centeredness is rather astounding. And sad, for us. At some point, we seem to move to the kind of relationship where they’re the kids and we’re the adults...(except they’re never as cute as young children who are equally self-centered and prone to tantrums).

So if your mom should die tomorrow, would you feel justified in the actions you’ve taken? If so, take solace in the fact that you did all you must and could. If not, I’m afraid you’ll have to invest more to truly not feel guilt. It sounds like she’s really a lot to tolerate, but given your mother is 98 years old, it won’t be forever.

But I feel your pain. 🤗
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Can I say ditto? It is awful but you make me feel not alone. My therapist has told me guilt is rarely useful, we aren't born with guilt we are taught it. And often those teachings are wrong. Another thing she tells me is; if you had a friend in this situation knowing everything, would you blame them for the siutation or how they are dealing with it? As a hypothetical I him and haw, but in the here and now if I called you my friend I don't blame you, you are not guilty of anything. Protect yourself do what you have to, it is all a work in progress.
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Basically, your mom is not your fault. Sounds like she is and has been mentally ill, perhaps most of her life. You cannot fix her and her choices are not your fault.  Can you decide on clear boundaries, what is good and works for YOU? And stick to them.  False guilt is just that, feelings not facts.
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You seem to be a puppet on a string and your mother is certainly making you dance to her tune. One minute you are pulled in all directions...making appointments which she cancels, demanding her medications, then she leaves you dangling lifeless....no birthday wishes at the very least, an unhappy Christmas and so forth.
It is long past time to be cut loose and you are the only one who can do this. Your mother most certainly will not do this to help you. It is in the nature of bullies and addictive personalities to lay a guilt trip on someone else, instead of accepting they are to blame for the things they do wrong, not to mention the unhappiness they bring upon themselves.
How you achieve this will be the tricky bit, but for you to get over your guilt you really must distance yourself from such a toxic relationship. So much depends on how responsible you are for your mothers welfare and well being, as averse to how responsible you want to be. For instance, do you have a POA? Do you have siblings who might be able to take on more of a caring role? Is your mothers doctor aware of the situation?
Once you know where your responsibilities start and end, apart from an in built belief that elders need looking after, you can begin cutting yourself loose bit by bit. Perhaps nominate certain times of the day or week you will be available to help your mother. If that involves ignoring all but the most serious or urgent phone messages, do it. Your mother will not thank you for that, but she does not appreciate you now, nor your efforts, so what the difference?
Your mother knows how to phone you when she needs something, so she can just as easily phone someone else. The fact that she is gambling and drinking tells me that her addictions are being enabled. If it is not you doing the enabling, then someone else has to be. If neither you nor anyone else has POA, and you cannot get it, try hiding her credit card, debit card, bank details, any other access to accounts that expose her finances to mis use by her or anyone else. If and when she needs to go into AL she may well need every penny she has.
The hoarding is a real concern, especially if your mother has rubbish stacked ceiling to floor. This is definitely the sign of a sick mind, whether it be dementia or the alcohol or old age in general, or just psychological. It is also a very dangerous health and safety hazard. Perhaps try contacting experts who deal with hoarding for advice and tips on best how to handle thus. But best not be part if the process lest that guilt set in again.
Strength and courage to you as you rise above the guilt and feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness your mother has instilled in you. If you can find neither strength nor courage, consult a therapist who will help you find it.
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Shezza, thank you for all of your wisdom. I do have POA but only when she becomes incompetent. She’s not incompetent, she’s very competent. I don’t enable her with all of her addictions. She takes call a bus and spends 7 hours a day, one or 2 days a week at the grocery store. She buys groceries and then she plays scratch off tickets. Then she takes her motorized scooter from the grocery store to the liquor store that is in the same plaza to buy her booze. A couple of years ago she was upstairs sleeping in her bed and the cops came in her house to do a welfare check. She said where’s my check? The cop said not that kind of check, a well being check. She said she was fine and the cops left her in her hoarding house. The office of aging must have called the cops to check on her at the time. Also when I was reading about APS, it said that they can’t make a person receive services if they don’t want them. I have been trying the gray rock method. Also, I don’t go over there as much. She called me last Friday screaming in my voicemail about her medicine. I didn’t go over there to her house till Monday. Thank you for your advice.
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anonymous275216 Jan 2020
I live in Australia so the laws relating to POA may differ slightly to where you reside. If your laws are the same as ours, I believe you have more power than you understand, especially if you have enduring guardianship (might be called something else different in your country).

Illustrating my reasoning: My mother refused to entertain the thought of enduring guardianship but when she signed her POA some strategic points were deleted, in effect making her POA also enduring guardianship. To begin with she needed assistance with her financial matters, although she basically still called the shots. But when her signature became unrecognisable she asked my sister to sign for her, to go to the bank to cash her cheques and so forth. When the inevitable happened and mother needed to go into Respite care, we thought we would not be able to have her remain in that aged care facility. She was certainly resisting. My sister spoke to the solicitor and discovered because some strategic points were deleted, the POA was really an enduring guardianship. That is why the transition was so simple. Not easy by any means, but simple.

This is direct from our state government website"
'A power of attorney is a legal document that appoints and authorises someone to act on your behalf in the areas of property and financial management. It does not authorise anyone to make other decisions, such as those relating to lifestyle, health or personal affairs; these are covered by appointing an ‘enduring guardian’
and
'While you may be able to look after your financial affairs at present, this may change in the future. You can appoint an attorney for:
a limited period, or an indefinite period.'

I strongly recommend you see an Elder lawyer and take the POA with you. Your mother's behaviour seems to be more wilful and determined than anything else, but if I am right you can still handle her financial and property matters without her being incompetent. It is all determined by the wording of the POA.

Not understanding the powers of these documents seems to be a common thread through this forum, so I hope people reading this take the time to learn more about the authority they have been given.
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Thank you Shezza about your information with POA. I will have to talk to an elder lawyer about it. I needed to go banking business on her behalf and when I went to her lawyer a few years back (he is also my lawyer) he did her will and he also did mine. I asked him for her POA paper work that she signed stating I had POA. He told me since she was still competent he needed to call her and get her permission. He said he was leery giving me the POA paperwork since I could technically sell the house out from under her and drain her bank account behind her back and it would be legal for me to do so. He said they don’t like to just hand over the POA when someone is still competent. I assured him I wouldn’t abuse the power and I didn’t. Guardianship here where I live is you can only get it if the person is deemed incompetent. I have guardianship of my 27 year old youngest son because he is high functioning autism. I had to go to court and have 2 doctors say my son was incompetent.
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Oh Elaine, I feel your pain! Happy Belated Birthday 🎂🎉🍷🍦🥂.

My mom didn’t acknowledge my birthday in October. It stinks!

I think the guilt comes from it hurting that we can’t make things the way we would like them to be. You know, to have a harmonious relationship with our mother. That’s the way it should be but unfortunately, for some of us it didn’t work out that way.

Anyway, I hope you can work past the guilt. Of course you need a break sometimes so try not to feel too badly.

Elaine, you are a wonderful daughter and a lovely mom to your son.

Sending you a bazillion hugs! 💗
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Awww Needhelpwithmom you made me cry. But happy in a good way tears!!! Thank you so much!! Thank you for all the encouragement you have given me. It really does help!!!
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2020
You have helped me too. We have to be here for each other, right? I grew up with brothers. I always wanted a sister. You can be my sister in spirit, if that’s okay with you. 💗
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Needhelpwithmom, yes!!! I will be your sister in spirit!! I have a brother and 2 sons. No girls. We can be sisters in spirit!!
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Elaine,

John McCain’s mom is 107! Can you even imagine living that old? She lives with her one living child. She has outlived her husband and two of her children.

I wonder how long our moms will live. Mine is 94. Yours is 95. My cousin is 98. My great aunts lived to be almost 100. My uncle was 96 when he died. God, I hope that I don’t live that long!
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Hi Elaine!
Happy belated birthday!! I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. My mother is an alcoholic and a hoarder, and her mother is mentally ill. I recently purchased a book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay Gibson. I recommend this book to everyone. It's helped me more in a few weeks than years of therapy. No joke. I wish I could post a few pictures of the pages here.

It's based on decades of psychological research and explains EVERYTHING. It discusses the types of emotionally immature parents, why they are this way, what it does to their children's coping strategies and personality development, and how it tends to have a ripple effect through generations. It talks about these parents' preoccupation with themselves, their lack of ability to take responsibility, anticipate future problems, communicate feelings, cope with stressors (often resulting in addictions), and how they resist repairing relationships and become overly fixated on family roles and guilt tripping. It also teaches you ways to manage your interactions with such parents, set healthy limits, break the cycle of negativity, and how to recognize and surround yourself with more emotionally mature and healthy people. Seriously, this book is a goldmine. If you're even just remotely thinking this could be helpful to you, or a loved one, order it. It's on Amazon and it's cheap. While it's helped me immensely in understanding my mother, it's also helped me understand so much about myself, it's improved my relationship with my husband (we read the book together sometimes), and I believe it will help me be a more emotionally healthy parent myself. Good luck!
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Hi Elaine!

So sorry this is happening. Been in your shoes and still kinda am. The guilt is so hard to handle. When you know you have done everything you could possibly do and that is not “enough”. I want to tell you something I realized. It will never be enough. You cannot make people do things they won’t or don’t want to do themselves. It’s selfish to depend on someone to bring you health, happiness, and security (talking about your parent). This must all come from within. You can only work on yourself. Ask yourself “what will truly make me feel good?”. I have had the same behavior enabling my own father, and it sucks because you think you’re actually helping them but instead you’re just falling deeper and deeper in the hole. You can care and decide not to go down a path of depression, emptiness, and obligation.

big hug to you❤️❤️
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Hi Elaine. Happy belated birthday!
I don't know if this will help or not, but it is my experience and my thoughts on the matter. I hope it helps you.
My mom is 94. I think to some degree parents can in their kids make us "responsible" for them if we are their primary caregiver. As such it is not good, but natural that they hold us accountable for everything. It is inexcusable that they yell at us, etc, but they panic occasionally because of their lack of control over their lives.
I am learning that I cannot please my mom in that regard. She will always have needs I cannot take care of. She has control over her happiness. She can make efforts to socialize even if just over the phone. She can keep her doctor appointments.
I think the lack of control is why they don't like the doctors, etc. I learned a long time ago that we could change doctors every time she wanted and she would still be unhappy.
In her mind it is another person's fault. "If she would only....", "If my doctor would..."
I try to give her as much freedom as possible, but in the end she has to accept her situation.
As for your birthday, most elderly people become very self-centered as they age. Their world becomes very small. Part of it is their own doing. They are difficult to deal with so people don't try too hard to be with them. Try not to take it personally. I know you want a mother's love. Just realized she is most probably not capable of giving it to you. If you don't expect it perhaps you can handle the disappointment better. On some level there is either a relationship with your mother as a caregiver or a relationship with her as her daughter. Not both.
Please know you are not alone in this. You are to be commended for caring as you do.
Take care of yourself.
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Happy belated birthday, Elaine. Did you do something nice for yourself? I hope so.

As for your questions on how to get past the guilt and let go off the hurt, I'm no therapist, but I think with time, the guilt and the hurt will lessen. Perhaps a good therapist will have some ways that you can use to speed up the process.

One suggestion, when the guilt pops up in your head, immediately and consciously think of two things/reasons that will counteract with the guilt, such as the numerous and specific things you have done for your mother, and specifically how your mother is responsible for her own situation.

As for the hurt, when it pops up in your head or heart, think of at least two people who are good to you, who you hold near and dear to your heart. Those people should take up the space in your heart. Let their affection and love for you push away the hurt your mother causes.

I use the method above for myself and it helps me get through the difficult moments. Hope it'll help you, too.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2020
Great suggestions! I’ve had to look at the whole picture too. If I don’t I sink into depression.
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Thank you so much everyone for the birthday wishes. It was very sweet of all of you . My husband and I went out for dinner on my birthday and it was delicious. Circling skies, thank you for the suggestion of the book. I will have to order it and read it. Thank you everyone for all of your support!! Deeply appreciated!!
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My mother called me today to tell me her great niece had a baby on January 1st.,We talked for a bit about the baby and her name , weight, etc.,Then for the 10th time I have heard this she says I don’t know why Bea (the baby’s great grandmother who is 89 years old) says to my mother that the baby was being born on December 24th. I told her gently maybe she meant her due date, my mother says no because Bea told me she was going to be a Christmas baby. Then my mother says something about a C section and I said well maybe they were going to do a C section and then decided she didn’t need one. My Mother starts screaming at me ThATS NOT IT!!! I said well maybe they thought she was going to have the baby on December 24th but it came late and she didn’t have it till January 1st. She says yes that’s it. Then she says I’m hanging up now!!! This is how she treats me. Still not going over there. Almost ready to call APS. Just venting. But I am getting closer to making that call. But I haven’t gone over there so that is a step in the right direction. Sorry about all the venting.
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anonymous275053 Jan 2020
Hi Elaine1962. You always script the most beautiful of posts and I love reading what You have to say. Being a full time Care giver to a loved One is a very tough Vocation. I call it ' VOYAGE OF DISCOVERY ' where We discover Our strengths and weaknesses, successes & failures. It's good to vent, We all need to let off steam every once and a while.
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I imagine it is easier said then done but I would think you get past the guilt simply by the way she treats you when you engage with her. She leaves you feeling awful. You don't deserve that. It is a choice she makes and not just a recent one.

I have a mother who avoided medical treatment for years thinking she could pray away any situation. It may have helped her a little mentally but it didn't avoid 2 hip replacements,a knee replacement,aortic valve replacement to mention the most serious issues. She is overweight. Right now she is suffering from bad back pains. I feel bad and communicate with the staff at AL to try to get her some relief but she is 89 and has a host of medicati issues. Yes many people at 89 can have those but as my husband words it there is so much deferred maintenance. She has brought on so much with her choices in life. I could never leave her with any of my children when they were young. They are all now in their 30's so that tells how long she has been a form of invalid. I feel bad she is not well but I am not responsible. I tried for decades to help her but she never changed. My point here is you cannot change your mother but you can be in control of how you deal with her. If she constantly makes you feel bad after you reach out then reach out less. You have no reason to feel guilty and you need to empower yourself as so many who visit this site also need to do. We can only control the people we are and our own behaviors. I know I am a much more involved grandmother. I have always wished my mother had differed behaviors but bottom line is she didn't so I am not going to let that hurt my present and hopefully future life. I hope that you find the strength you need to cope.
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Have you spoken to her doctor's office about the medication?

I would have simply hung up when she started screaming.
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