I am so friggin scared. I need your help!! She is back in the hospital. She called me at noon. They went to her house at 4:30am and she said she didn’t get to the hospital till 6am. They couldn’t pull in her driveway because nobody had plowed the end of it yet. My son and I had shoveled everything but the end. They couldn’t get in the back door because it was locked. They went in through the front door because it was unlocked. She was upstairs short of breath, and shaking. They helped her down the stairs and cleared a lot of junk out of the way in the dining room. I’m over here now taking pictures of this hell hole. I contacted her primary doctor and they contacted APS and left a message. The social worker at the hospital called me and left a message to call her back. She wanted to meet with me and my mother tomorrow. I called and let a message and said she needs to go to assisted living. I can’t help her anymore!!! I can’t be there in the morning I have to work tonight. I told my mother when she called at noon I would stop up today. Should I go up to the hospital? Should I stay away? What if she calls me at home? Should I tell her she needs to go to assisted living? I am so scared right now. I’ve told everyone everything!!!! Help me please!!!
Don’t worry about Mom being mad at you. She’ll get over it. And if not, you stay busy with your life. Self care, my dear, self care.
* I’m speaking to myself here, as well. *
I am hoping that you can have your mom admitted as Barb said and have FULL mental health evaluation including for mental illness.
I hope you are doing okay. I'm sending you all the positive vibes I can and along with everyone here we are holding your hand as you go through this challenging time.
Huge hug {{{{Elaine}}}}}
I feel like things are going to turn around for you and your mom. She will finally be where she needs to be, out of her two story home, and you will have peace of mind knowing that you are doing what is best for her. She will acclimate to her new surroundings.
Sending loads of good thoughts your way. 💗
Try to figure out what is scaring you. If you are afraid that your mother may die, then that's pretty normal.
If you are afraid of your mother's wrath, or of being " investigated" or made to feel that you should be taking your mother home with you, please be aware that you are doing the RIGHT THING. And should feel no guilt.
As POA, you can hire someone to do snow removal using her funds, but I suppose she would have to agree. If you have access to her checking account, I would hire a service to do that.
If she is admitted for 3 nights, she can go to rehab, paid by Medicare.
"Psych eval" is most likely a mini mental exam, which she will pass. She needs a full scale, in patient mental health workup in a psychiatric hospital. You need to have her evaluated for mental illness, not just competency.
This is something to discuss, via the portal with her family doctor, as well.
Elaine, this is like just the beginning of the journey. Getting your mother the help she needs means that YOU have to step back, disengage and not enable her. Please remember that.
I would keep contact with her to a minimum for the time being - detach -emotionally distance yourself. Walk away from and do nothing from fear, obligation and guilt. You are acting in your mother's best interests whether she likes it or not.
With her issues - hoarding, lack of self care, depression etc, she absolutely needs a full psych evaluation.
My mother was in a geriatric psychiatric hospital for about 9 months. They did a full assessment. It took a while before she agreed to take the meds. Once she did, it was a different and much better ball game. Then she was placed successfully in AL.
You are doing well!!!!
Find yourself a therapist who can help you work on these triggers.
When you see the SW tomorrow, ask about having your mother sent to a psychiatric facility for evaluation ESPECIALLY if they suggest that because she is competent, they want to send her home.
Write down a list: hoarding, panic attacks, alcoholism, refusal to seek medical care, inability to manage medications and renewals, refusal or inability to perform basic hygiene, grooming or dressing.
Present this dispassionately and calmly. Mention that you have guardianship of your adult son (that both establishes you as a person who has been found responsible by the courts AND that you already have a lot on your plate).
If they say they are sending her home in a cab, ask for an occupational therapist to evaluate her home as a place she can be safely discharged to.
Good luck and let us know how you make out! (((((Hugs)))))).
Even if she doesn't get placed this go round, EMS will have called her in to APS. If she goes home, she will end up hospitalized again soon. As long as you don't show up to take her home, they will get the message.
https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/durable-power-of-attorney-health-finances-29579.html
Do not get into a discussion. Don't engage in back and forth. Don't upset her by telling her about the open doors.
The cards are all in your hands if you play them correctly. You have to not succumb to her manipulation.
To answer a question from a couple of posts back, if you go no contact, you can call the police to do wellness checks.
Don't act up at the hospital to incite your mother. How she treats you has nothing to do with anything. This is about whether or not she is competent. She is mentally ill but not unable to understand the risk she is taking. It is HER bad choice to take risks
You have no obligation to enable her.
You let the SW at the hospital do their job. They can tell her it is an unsafe discharge, they can tell her Mum can no longer live in her home. It is not your job.
You know she needs professional care. Hopefully by tomorrow, the hospital will know it too.
I would NOT go to visit your mother. Go to see the SW. Do not interact with mom. She will manipulate and guilt you.
If the SW staff tell you that being her POA obligates you to take her home (it doesn't) tell them that you are resigning as her POA. If they tell you that they will call APS, tell them to go right ahead and thank them for doing that.
In short, do not let them make you believe that YOU are doing anything wrong. You have the right to your life. You cannot be made to do hands on care for your mother.
If she calls you for help (panic attack, breathing troubles, etc) you call 911 and have them deal with it. If it's an EMERGENCY, then EMERGENCY services need to intervene, not you.
YOU are powerless, except in your ability to step back and let the professionals do their jobs. Dont let your mother or anyone else manipulate you into sacrificing your life, your health or your livelihood. And tell your son to back off as well.
Now, do know if you say you do not want power of attorney and guardianship, then your mother will be basically a ward of the state. They will take care of her and her home. They will do it all. BUT you will not have any say about where she is placed. So that has to be something you know.
Your Mom will not cooperate. It is time for them to take over. Good luck. Know that if she is in 5 days she can go to rehab. Likely needs the care, and another good opportunity to reinforce that she cannot go home, you will not take her home, and sending her home is unsafe. On the phone tell Mom you love her but she needs help now and won't accept it from you.
We are all in your corner. I don't think a single person here is in disagreement with what you need to do, and on the forum THAT'S RARE! Thinking of you and pulling for you. THIS is best for your Mom, too, thought she won't see that for a long time.
She cannot manipulate you if you refuse to take her calls.