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I am so friggin scared. I need your help!! She is back in the hospital. She called me at noon. They went to her house at 4:30am and she said she didn’t get to the hospital till 6am. They couldn’t pull in her driveway because nobody had plowed the end of it yet. My son and I had shoveled everything but the end. They couldn’t get in the back door because it was locked. They went in through the front door because it was unlocked. She was upstairs short of breath, and shaking. They helped her down the stairs and cleared a lot of junk out of the way in the dining room. I’m over here now taking pictures of this hell hole. I contacted her primary doctor and they contacted APS and left a message. The social worker at the hospital called me and left a message to call her back. She wanted to meet with me and my mother tomorrow. I called and let a message and said she needs to go to assisted living. I can’t help her anymore!!! I can’t be there in the morning I have to work tonight. I told my mother when she called at noon I would stop up today. Should I go up to the hospital? Should I stay away? What if she calls me at home? Should I tell her she needs to go to assisted living? I am so scared right now. I’ve told everyone everything!!!! Help me please!!!

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Elaine, I'm here don't know what to say. But I'm here....I'll be praying for you and holding your hand even it's a long distance one. Hang on.... hugs....
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Thank you susalie, I so appreciate your response. Thank you!!
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Elaine.....I say don’t go. Your mom is fine, she’s in good hands. Stay home and BE STRONG! This is a golden opportunity to get her placed. I fear that if you go to the hospital you will end up caving in and bringing her home. And the cycle will continue. So stay home and refuse to bring her home. Make it very clear to the hospital and the SW that she cannot go home.
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Keep telling them she can not be released back to her home and you are not in a position to take care of her.

You know AL means private pay. If she can't do that it means Medicaid in Long Term Care.

Good Luck.
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Wow! All I can say is follow your gut. This is tough. I don’t think I would bring her home. I couldn’t do it because it is not a good atmosphere and she shouldn’t be alone at her age, especially in her situation with the clutter. That is a nightmare.

I think you have offered your mom tremendous support throughout her life. You know that you have.

She can’t continue on the path that she is on. Too much clutter, two story home, all alone in that house, etc. It’s not the right place for her. I bet she’s scared. I would be. There comes a time that we have to give up our independence and allow others to help.

You have a job. You have a family. You cannot keep putting all of your energy into your mom. It’s draining you. I lived it. It drains us. I think sometimes we want the pain to stop so we used to take what we thought was the easy way out by doing everything for them. It really wasn’t the easy way out.

We taught them that we were at their disposal at all times because it’s what we feel in our hearts. It’s emotional. We don’t even see how much we are doing until we step away. At least that is how it was for me.

You have grown so much. You put things into perspective but while that brings a certain amount of relief, the concern for our mothers is still in our hearts. I understand that.

Look, call me crazy but I have compassion for my mom and want the best for her even if she mistreated me at times. I appreciate when she was kind and she did many wonderful things for me as well. I still think of her daily even though I don’t see her because I will not allow myself to be near my brothers or sister in law. I hit my threshold of pain. I would suspect that you are at your threshold of pain.

Elaine, you are at the end of your rope and that is perfectly normal! Tell your mom this is the end of the line. She cannot return to her home. It isn’t safe. I think the EMS workers are your best friends right now. They see your mom’s unacceptable living situation. Ask the EMS workers to testify for you. Stick with telling anyone and everyone that will listen to you about your concerns. I wouldn’t bring her home again. If they put her in a cab then it’s on their hands. You know that she shouldn’t return to her home. Stick by that.

Go see her if you like but don’t let them manipulate you. She’s your mom. You have to deal with this. They don’t and if they did, well...they would be complaining too!

All the best to you, Elaine. If you don’t mind I am going to say a special prayer for you and your mom. I know when I was in a fog that sometimes I was hurting so much that I couldn’t pray. I feel God understands that. The greatest of prophets had dry spells and questioned their circumstances. Everything you feel is completely normal! Hugs, Elaine 💗.
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Elaine,

I’m so sorry for all that is happening but hoping this is the catalyst to get some awareness and intervention for your mom’s self neglect. I agree with WorriedinCali. Stay away. It would probably be best to avoid her phone calls too, but I recognize how difficult that is. Practice a calm but stern voice, “Mom, I love you and you need help. You need to be in assisted living.” Any attempts by her to argue should be met with, “ Mom, again, I love you but this is not open for discussion.” Hang up and don’t take her calls for the rest of the day. You can do this.
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OMG thank you so much for all your help!!! All of you!!! Each and every one of you has helped me get this far!!! I was on my way to the hospital at 5:00pm when I pulled in the drugstore parking lot to read your responses. I agree with worriedincali!!! I changed my mind!!! I called the nurse and told her to tell my mom that I am not coming up to the hospital today. I told her everything. The hoarding, the not bathing, her treating me like sh*t!!! She said she was so sorry. She would tell my mother I didn’t feel when and couldn’t come up. I also told her it is an unsafe discharge!! She can’t go home and I can’t take care of her!!! She said they were doing a psych evaluation tomorrow. I have to stay away from there. Worriedincali is right. I would get sucked into her mess again!!! They will have to sedate her when they tell her assisted living is in iniment!!!
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Riverdale Feb 2020
Good for you. I hope you feel proud of yourself and I hope this endless circle of "the opposite of heaven" leads to a better path for all of you that have been sucked into this abyss. I know you don't know just what the future holds but I pray it is better than what has been so understandingly difficult for you.

My mother was a lesser version of yours. Apartment was messy,not very clean,she didn't bathe well,couldn't do her laundry,fell on NYC streets buying groceries and on and on. Finally a fall landed her in the hospital and then to rehab and then to AL. I couldn't have gotten her there on my own. Over 6 years later she is much better off. Stay strong.
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Elaine, you aren’t the first one that the hospital staff has seen in this position, and neither is you mom. She’s right where she needs to be to get care. I hope you’ll take the opportunity to care for you. You’ve been great for your mom, her care is past what can be done in her home, and it’s time for a change. This hospital visit may be just what’s needed, in any event I’m pulling for you!
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((((((hugs))))) elaine. You are doing the right thing. Your mum is in professional care and that is where she needs to be. If you do what mum wants you will get sucked back in That's her way of doing things. It doesn't have to be yours. You are doing what is good for you and for her. Let the professionals deal with her.

Mother had a crisis about that age (one of several). The more the professionals got involved,the better it went, the better care she got, and the easier it was on me. Did she like it? No she didn't but, nonetheless, it was what was best for her. She got the care and meds that she needed.

Keep us updated.
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FINALLY! Your mom is where she belongs. In the hospital where she will be cared for properly by the staff. You are taking photos of the hoard, perfect. You will go to the hospital at some point (probably tomorrow) and show the SW the photos, and go from there. Your mother is NINETY FIVE years old and having incident after incident. She can't live alone any longer. Elaine can't save her this time. It's too late.

Just remain cool, calm & collected tomorrow when you do go to the hospital for the meeting. Your ducks are all lined up now. Mother needs to NOT come home now. She needs placement. That is what you tell the SW as many times as necessary in order for the message to sink in.

Then let go and let God. This is the 'crisis' opportunity you've been waiting for. With God's help, mother will be soon be placed in a care environment where she'll be cared for until she passes. Sending you a giant HUG and a load of prayers that all goes well.
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2020
I totally agree!
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Elaine,

Please feel peace about your decision. You know that she is being cared for. I think it’s good they have ordered a psych test. Things could be looking up!

Hugs. 💗
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Thank you so much all of you!! I do feel proud of myself and much relief. I’m staying away from the hospital. I will talk to the social worker over the phone. I will tell her she can’t go home. Unsafe discharge!!! I know my mother will never speak to me again. She will think I hate her and want her dead!!! That’s not it!!! I love her and want her safe!!!
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Blue24 Feb 2020
And you need to stay sane at the same time. I want the same for my mom - I just hope to G-d she doesn't harm anyone while she's 'happy' being selfish and living the way she wants to.
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Thank you lealonnie, Needhelpwithmom, golden, daughter, riverdale, Plymouth and everyone else I missed for carrying me through this!!! I couldn’t do without you
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Rovana yes, yes, yes!!! You are so right!! Thank you!!!! You are absolutely on point!!! I refuse to go to the hospital to talk to the social worker. I will talk to her in private!!! My mom will make up all sorts of sh*t!!! Hell she will probably pass the psych test with flying colors!!! I won’t be there to pick up the pieces. If they release her to home, I am done going to her house!!!! She will have to take a cab and go back to living in that hell hole without me!!!!! I hope it doesn’t happen!!!
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worriedinCali Feb 2020
Elaine, hopefully without you there to pick up the pieces your mother won’t be able to hold it together and pass the assessment. Think about that if you get the urge to visit her!
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Joanne yes you are right!! I am prepared to sign everything over to a facility for my moms care, including signing over the house!!!!
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Good luck to you
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Thank you shad and artist daughter!! I appreciate your responses!!! The only way it could get worse is if she is found competent and she takes a cab home. Then what? What if after all this she is found competent and she takes a cab home. What do I do then? She is very manipulative and conniving!!!!!
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Tothill Feb 2020
Elaine, if she is found to be competent and takes a cab home you do nothing at all. You continue living your life. You are no longer available to offer Mum support.

She cannot manipulate you if you refuse to take her calls.
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I mean seriously, what happens if my worst fears happen? Passes the test and takes a cab home. Then what?? APS hasn’t contacted her doctor and the hospital only wanted to keep her overnight!!!!
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AlvaDeer Feb 2020
If that happens then you have to wait for it to come to this. The truth is that your Mom is playing with her life; she may not understand that and she may not care, but it is the truth.
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All of you have been my ray of light!!! You have all picked me up and carried me high!!! Thank you everyone!! I pray I haven done all of this for nothing and they turn around and send her home!!! I have made up my mind. I am not going to the hospital. Period.
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AlvaDeer Feb 2020
The next person who calls you, and they WILL, you need to say that her leaving the hospital is unsafe and sending her home/allowing her to go home is unsafe discharge, and they will be held responsible for placing her in danger.
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Hon, this is your OPPORTUNITY. Right here and right now. Most people have to do an ER DUMP (taking the elder to the ER and refusing to take the elder home). You had it done FOR YOU. Now is your opportunity. Yes, DO MEET with Social Services but tell them that you will not meet with your mother and them together FIRST. That you want to meet with only social services. Take your pictures. Tell them all you told us. STRESS "unsafe", "in danger" "will not cooperate". Tell them that you WILL NOT be responsible and if they send her home they are doing an "UNSAFE DISCHARGE". It is very important you use these words. They will tell you all kinds of lies. They will say "We can help; we can get you help; we can all work together". They cannot. Only for a short time and then very costly. Tell them you are ABSOLUTELY not going to be responsible for your mother. Ask them to do a state guardianship or whatever they want to but you will not be involved excepting to visit her. Tell them you will not accept her to your home, and sending her home is "unsafe discharge". They will do anything to unload her on you. Do not let them. THEN you can meet with her and Social Services. But not until you LAY DOWN THE LAW.
Now, do know if you say you do not want power of attorney and guardianship, then your mother will be basically a ward of the state. They will take care of her and her home. They will do it all. BUT you will not have any say about where she is placed. So that has to be something you know.
Your Mom will not cooperate. It is time for them to take over. Good luck. Know that if she is in 5 days she can go to rehab. Likely needs the care, and another good opportunity to reinforce that she cannot go home, you will not take her home, and sending her home is unsafe. On the phone tell Mom you love her but she needs help now and won't accept it from you.
We are all in your corner. I don't think a single person here is in disagreement with what you need to do, and on the forum THAT'S RARE! Thinking of you and pulling for you. THIS is best for your Mom, too, thought she won't see that for a long time.
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If they find her competent and she gets home in a cab then she has proved to them (and you) that she is competent to care for herself.

If she calls you for help (panic attack, breathing troubles, etc) you call 911 and have them deal with it. If it's an EMERGENCY, then EMERGENCY services need to intervene, not you.

YOU are powerless, except in your ability to step back and let the professionals do their jobs. Dont let your mother or anyone else manipulate you into sacrificing your life, your health or your livelihood. And tell your son to back off as well.
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I don't have anything to add, the previous posters covered it. I just wanted to LYK that you are in my thoughts, you will handle this! Sending support your way.
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Barbbrooklyn thank you so much for your support!! Alvavdeer thank you so much for your support!!! All of you, thank you so much for your support!!! I appreciate it so much!! My head is pounding but at least I know what to say and do tomorrow!! Do not send her home!! It’s an unsafe discharge!! I will get the social worker alone and show her all the pictures!!! When I went over there today, her front door was wide open and so was the backdoor from when the EMT’s were there. I should tell her that right before she had her assessment. She will go ballistic if she knows her doors were wide open in this freezing cold. Nobody went on and stole anything, the hoarding mess was still there.
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Thank you dollyme!!! I appreciate your kind words!!
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Also, I might add I do have POA and I am her healthcare proxy. But that’s it. I’m not her guardian.
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Being her POA does not allow you to force her to do anything. It allows you to carry out her wishes.

You know she needs professional care. Hopefully by tomorrow, the hospital will know it too.

I would NOT go to visit your mother. Go to see the SW. Do not interact with mom. She will manipulate and guilt you.

If the SW staff tell you that being her POA obligates you to take her home (it doesn't) tell them that you are resigning as her POA. If they tell you that they will call APS, tell them to go right ahead and thank them for doing that.

In short, do not let them make you believe that YOU are doing anything wrong. You have the right to your life. You cannot be made to do hands on care for your mother.
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NYDaughterInLaw Feb 2020
Excellent advice, as usual.
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Oh thank you barbbrooklyn for letting me know this!! It's good to know being POA doesn't mean i can force her to do anything. You are so right about this. I am NOT going to the hospital or talking to her at the hospital. I will only go see the social worker in private with all my lovely pictures!!! One more question, what do I do when my Mother calls me tomorrow begging me to come pick her up?
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What should I say to my Mother when she calls me tomorrow? I guess that is what my question is. What do I say to her? Should I tell her she needs to go to assisted living or let the hospital tell her? What should I tell her if she asks me to come see her tomorrow? Just listing all the different scenarios. Thank you
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Tothill Feb 2020
Elaine, you do not answer the phone when Mum calls tomorrow. You let it go to voice mail. Then you can ask a friend to listen to the message and relay it only if it is important. And as Mum is in the hospital receiving the care she needs, it will not be important.

You let the SW at the hospital do their job. They can tell her it is an unsafe discharge, they can tell her Mum can no longer live in her home. It is not your job.
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"Mom, you are not safe at home. I love you too much to let you go home to an unsafe place. Talk to the Social Worker about what the next steps are. I can't help you go home because I would ne putting your life in danger. I love you. Bye"

Do not get into a discussion. Don't engage in back and forth. Don't upset her by telling her about the open doors.

The cards are all in your hands if you play them correctly. You have to not succumb to her manipulation.

To answer a question from a couple of posts back, if you go no contact, you can call the police to do wellness checks.

Don't act up at the hospital to incite your mother. How she treats you has nothing to do with anything. This is about whether or not she is competent. She is mentally ill but not unable to understand the risk she is taking. It is HER bad choice to take risks

You have no obligation to enable her.
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Some information on POA:

https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/durable-power-of-attorney-health-finances-29579.html
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