He has no family here but he said he has gotten lost on at least two occasions, once when he was going home! How can I help him or should I just stay out of it? What would you do?
No family to talk to... that makes it very difficult.
Are you and your friend part of a wider social circle? Do you know other people who know him, perhaps who are closer to him than you are?
How essential is driving to his current lifestyle?
You are right to be alarmed by this, because not being able to navigate even very familiar, habitual routes is a text-book early warning sign of dementia. Is there any possibility you might persuade him to quit while he's ahead, look for other ways of getting about so that he can retire with his good driving record intact?
His family lives quite a distance away and I dont know them but there are friends who could get in touch with them! I do think we need to be proactive!
Thank you all for the feedback and great suggestions!
Yes, an early symptom of dementia. Happened to my mom and she stopped driving, just like that, didn't like to anyway and had a hubby to become her driver. She was so frightened when this happened, she never drove again. Though times in the throes of sundowning would threaten she was going to drive to her parents house, of course they had passed many years before. So terribly sad the decline that we witness.
Help your friend become familiar with Uber and other options that are available. Free ride services to doctors and such. Is he a member of a church that has volunteers that would help out?
He must trust you a great deal. I am surprised he told you. My mom told me too, maybe a sign that he is ready to give up driving but needs help to figure out solutions.
I would assume he is aware of a problem, is scared, and is asking for help. Since you are a friend, and he came to you, he is probably willing to open up if asked.
Have you ridden with him recently to observe his driving generally?
Offer to go with him to his doctor to discuss recent experience and any episodes in or out of the car when he has lost his way, felt dizzy, lost his balance, had cognitive difficulties (e.g., confusion, serious forgetfulness, not understanding directions, difficulty planning, etc.) Does he show symptoms of UTI (often mental in the elderly), TIA (mini-stroke)?
Anticipating that doctor(s) may recommend he stop driving, could you find out about alternative means of transportation available to him? Hopefully with your help he will make the decision to stop driving now and ease into a new way of getting around, and avoid the trauma of an accident and/or having his keys taken away from him suddenly.
Does he have any family anywhere close? Or even removed? Has he shared anything at all other than this with you? I don't know how close a friend this is? Were I you I would simply ask him for coffee or lunch and I would say "Last time we were together you mentioned getting lost a few times, and it seems to me that you were a little concerned. Are there any other things that are of concern to you? As we age we all get a bit confused and forgetful, for instance, about things we put away and cannot find. You can ask him to do the old "clock test" for you on a napkin: "Can you draw me a clock set at 12:30? Or is something like that getting more difficult". You can ask him if these things are of enough concern to him that he would like to discuss them with his doctor and get a "baseline" testing to compare in future.
He may be against this and he may say "Oh, I just mentioned it. I am not concerned". If that is the case I would back away. You aren't family. Anything else would be intrusive I think. But you can leave him with "If you ever change your mind I am here; I would be happy to go with you for any tests or anything. Just let me know". It was at age 85 that my brother had his accident. I think it is a hard way to learn and luckily no one else was injured. He said he had several warning signs he ignored. I fear this is most commonly the way of it. I do not know why there is not mandatory testing after age 75 or 80.
Don’t ask him for a lift home...& don’t go into car w him. If he has family, tell them what he told you. If he has dr. ask him casually what his name is & call to tell dr. Do they have Access a Ride in your area? Encourage him to apply for it. He won’t have to drive...Hugs 🤗
My mom is 88. When she moved from her home to an apartment, she thought that she would driver herself to her church. She got there okay. But then got lost on the way back. A cop had to help her. She never drove there again because of that. So she started coming with us to church. She never argued about not driving.
I agree with others that his mentioning getting lost is a subtle hint for assistance. He needs to be shown how he an successfully Iive without his car, thus to that end, please put together for him a brief list of helpful hints and telephone numbers, including but not limited to: - how to order groceries on line - how to secure very inexpensive coupons for local transportation (taxi rides in our local area were, when my LO’s were alive three years ago, 99 cents each way for the elderly and disabled to get to medical appointments, shopping, etc) - volunteer services organizations
The above assumes he lives in an urban area which offers grocery delivery and discounted transportation for the elderly and/or disabled.
You are such a kind friend to take this seriously, and to keep an eye on him for when bigger changes need to be made.
One question only: was this during the day or at night?
If the latter, there may be vision issues. I don't drive at night unless I know the route, not only b/c of the darkness but b/c of the number of distracted drivers recklessly driving while texting or talking on a cell phone.
I think it would be kind of you to try to help him and gently suggest that he should consider not driving anymore. I think 85 is pretty old to still be behind the wheel. And getting lost is certainly a sign of something bigger.
I’m guessing he doesn’t have a smart phone, but if he does someone could program his home address into Google Maps and teach him how to use it to get home from wherever it is. This probably would necessitate keeping a list of instructions taped where he could see it in the car.
But, I agree with others that it’s best to keep him off the road. Too bad he doesn’t have family to help with this! Thank goodness you care enough to ask this on the forum. Some states have a driving test for older folks. Maybe you could take him for this (they might pick up on his memory problems).
Becoming lost implies there are other issues. He might get angry and not recognize that he’s at the stage where he needs help. He needs to stay safe everyday, and not live alone (danger of burning the house, falling, getting lost inside, etc). Can you go with him to look at retirement facilities? Tell him you’re looking at them yourself! Check into agencies that can visit him at home - the office of aging would have ideas. If he’s a Veteran, he can get free services and aides in the house from them.
Alzheimer’s.net has a list of tracking devices that can be worn to help locate your neighbor when he gets lost. https://www.alzheimers.net/8-8-14-location-devices-dementia/.
I think I’d call the Office of Aging first to get oriented with local services and their advice for your neighbor. Good luck!
If you know who is his primary doctor is, you may want to speak to him as a concerned neighbor. The next time he goes there the doctor can do an evaluation and did to privacy laws will not call you back, but if he is unfit to drive, the doctor will discuss that with him in a professional manner and will also notify the motor vehicle department.
I don't want to sound cruel but you also have the right to notify the local police dept and motor vehicles of your concerns. You may just wind up saving his life or the life of another family out for a walk or drive. He is an accident waiting to happen and you will feel guilty if you don't do anything about the situation. You are doing it because you care about him.
My next door neighbor years ago was in the same situation. When he turned into our street everyone grabbed their kids in fear of what might happen. He pulled in his driveway and his car wheel got stuck in the window well of his basement window.
When he would drive to an intersection he would slam on the breaks because he couldn't decide which way to go....causing cars behind him to get in an accident, and he then drove off.
I did notify our local precinct and not long after he lost his license. I would do it again if needed. The slogan "If you see something, say something," seems to apply to this disaster waiting to happen. Good luck.
Please, Please - save a life and help him find other transportation and get him off the road!! This sounds like much more than just driving through an unfamiliar area - anyone can get lost in a strange city.
If at all possible I would contact any of his family members and let them know what's going on, especially if they aren't local. That's what I would want if I were in their shoes. The ball should be in their court and this is their alert that your neighbor will be requiring immediate attention from them. As time passes, if nothing changes and your neighbor makes any more comments to you or displays dangerous driving behavior (and in this case just call 911), you can go onto your state's DMV website and write anonymously to them stating why he shouldn't be driving. If they find your case strong enough they will call him in for an eye exam or road test. I've done this 4 times for 4 different people and they all had their driving privileges ended.
In the meantime, if you are willing and able, you can offer to drive him to any regular appointments. This is what some awesome neighbors do for my 2 very senior aunties in FL. They enjoy each other's company and my aunties thank them by treating them to lunches and dinners.
A friend of mine was out of the country when her very senior mother who was back home, who lives with her and has been totally capable of just about every function, got lost on the way to the vet to pick up her dog. She was "lost" for over 14 hours calling my friend in Nicaragua. It did not even occur to the mother to stop and ask for directions or take a taxi home even though she had the money and her address was plainly on her driver's license. So, others who have suggested that a smartphone would have helped, I don't think so because it's not just about getting lost, it's about confusion and loss of cognitive functions like logic and problem-solving, an indicator of bigger impending issues for your neighbor.
89 year old getting lost.....Some kid had a drone flew it over a lake and found a car. Kid's family called police, and they found the older woman in the vehicle that drove over an embankment. , whose family was looking for her over a couple years. They were relieved if that's the right word, they found out what happened to their mother... that was in the news last week... My aunt had an appt. forgot where she left the car. That was the end of her driving. police/DMV pulled her license, she forgot to show up for the "meeting." So, things happen, try to have another source set up for him, city ride or something... It would be horrific if he forgot he was driving...Does he live alone? He may need to be placed in AL
When I called the county to find rides for my MIL with short-term memory impairment, they said they won't take someone like that because they don't want the liability. Same for Metro Mobility bus. Also I would absolutely not call them a taxi/Uber/Lyft or put him on a city bus or train for same reasons: the neighbor is now too forgetful, easily confused and too vulnerable to travel without a trusted escort.
There may also be other cognitive problems no one knows about if he lives alone. Would he be willing to have you go to his doctor with him as an advocate?
I had neighbors, elderly sisters, who shared a car. The driver was legally blind so she drove while her sister gave her directions! Scared me silly every time I saw them on the road. Even for short trips to a grocery there was risk of danger to themselves and others. Luckily their families found out and took the car away. If he truly doesn’t have family to help I would contact the police non-emergency and discuss it with them. You can probably do this anonymously or not. Is it better to keep quiet and have a tragedy occur to your neighbor?
Seems he is at risk of hurting himself and others. Consider getting him contact information for other means of transportation. Ask him to go ahead and sell his car use alternative transportation. Remind him that folks in most big cities do not own a vehicle and take taxis, trains, buses, and Uber-type transportation. If he is a senior, he usually can get greatly reduced bus passes.
If he is reluctant to give up driving, AARP has a safe senior driver program or report it to your local police department. They can give him a driver's test/evaluation to see if he is still safe to drive.
NOW IS THE TIME to pull the car and the DL away from him!! To do this you need to get the senior evaluated by a DR, Clinical Psychologist, have a free Alzheimer’s test done and they will refer you to the appropriate person. someone needs to step in, because he will soon be a danger to himself and others.
My Mom (at the time 81 yrs) drove down to the Walmart early afternoon. Next thing she remembers is going down this dirt road and stopping the car. She didn't get out and sat there till it got dark. She could hear the coyotes in the distance. When it got dark, she could see the city lights in the distance and turned the car around. She was almost out of gas and stopped at the nearest gas station. Fortunately for us we were already out looking for her and my sister spotted her as she got out of the car. I assume that she had driven into someone's property on the outskirt of town. Thank God she thought about turning the car around or she would of probably be there maybe days till someone found her. She has not driven since.
My Dad insisted on driving for quite a while before we realized he had a problem (he was 87). My Mom would not let us know until she was starting fear for her life. He was going down one way streets, side swiping cars parked on the side of the road, getting lost, almost hitting a pedestrian while he was trying to park at the mall. I couldn't take the keys from him fast enough. Yep, he could of killed himself, my mom, and others. How could I live with that!
Two high school brothers got hit by an elderly man while coming home from an all day fishing trip. The brothers died. That was tragic. They were friends of the family.
An elderly women walked away from her family at a flea market and here we are almost three years later and it looked like she just vanished.
I'm glad he shared his concern with you. After about a year my Dad started telling me that something was wrong with him. Of course by then we already knew that Alzheimer's had set in. It's hard for people to reach out for help. They may try to down play it. I'm glad you took it seriously.
Hopefully his family will be contacted and take care of him. If they don't an agency or his doctor (if known) will help.
My Lord! That is terrifying. My cousin is driving at 97 years of age. She gets speeding tickets! She tells off the cops. They gave her a license because she passed the eye exam.
I feel they should have to do a driving tests and take a written test too. It’s dangerous for them and dangerous for other passengers on the road.
Are you and your friend part of a wider social circle? Do you know other people who know him, perhaps who are closer to him than you are?
How essential is driving to his current lifestyle?
You are right to be alarmed by this, because not being able to navigate even very familiar, habitual routes is a text-book early warning sign of dementia. Is there any possibility you might persuade him to quit while he's ahead, look for other ways of getting about so that he can retire with his good driving record intact?
Thank you all for the feedback and great suggestions!
Help your friend become familiar with Uber and other options that are available. Free ride services to doctors and such. Is he a member of a church that has volunteers that would help out?
He must trust you a great deal. I am surprised he told you. My mom told me too, maybe a sign that he is ready to give up driving but needs help to figure out solutions.
Have you ridden with him recently to observe his driving generally?
Offer to go with him to his doctor to discuss recent experience and any episodes in or out of the car when he has lost his way, felt dizzy, lost his balance, had cognitive difficulties (e.g., confusion, serious forgetfulness, not understanding directions, difficulty planning, etc.) Does he show symptoms of UTI (often mental in the elderly), TIA (mini-stroke)?
Anticipating that doctor(s) may recommend he stop driving, could you find out about alternative means of transportation available to him?
Hopefully with your help he will make the decision to stop driving now and ease into a new way of getting around, and avoid the trauma of an accident and/or having his keys taken away from him suddenly.
I don't know how close a friend this is? Were I you I would simply ask him for coffee or lunch and I would say "Last time we were together you mentioned getting lost a few times, and it seems to me that you were a little concerned. Are there any other things that are of concern to you? As we age we all get a bit confused and forgetful, for instance, about things we put away and cannot find. You can ask him to do the old "clock test" for you on a napkin: "Can you draw me a clock set at 12:30? Or is something like that getting more difficult".
You can ask him if these things are of enough concern to him that he would like to discuss them with his doctor and get a "baseline" testing to compare in future.
He may be against this and he may say "Oh, I just mentioned it. I am not concerned". If that is the case I would back away. You aren't family. Anything else would be intrusive I think. But you can leave him with "If you ever change your mind I am here; I would be happy to go with you for any tests or anything. Just let me know".
It was at age 85 that my brother had his accident. I think it is a hard way to learn and luckily no one else was injured. He said he had several warning signs he ignored. I fear this is most commonly the way of it. I do not know why there is not mandatory testing after age 75 or 80.
- how to order groceries on line
- how to secure very inexpensive coupons for local transportation (taxi rides in our local area were, when my LO’s were alive three years ago, 99 cents each way for the elderly and disabled to get to medical appointments, shopping, etc)
- volunteer services organizations
The above assumes he lives in an urban area which offers grocery delivery and discounted transportation for the elderly and/or disabled.
You are such a kind friend to take this seriously, and to keep an eye on him for when bigger changes need to be made.
If the latter, there may be vision issues. I don't drive at night unless I know the route, not only b/c of the darkness but b/c of the number of distracted drivers recklessly driving while texting or talking on a cell phone.
Good luck!
But, I agree with others that it’s best to keep him off the road. Too bad he doesn’t have family to help with this! Thank goodness you care enough to ask this on the forum. Some states have a driving test for older folks. Maybe you could take him for this (they might pick up on his memory problems).
Becoming lost implies there are other issues. He might get angry and not recognize that he’s at the stage where he needs help. He needs to stay safe everyday, and not live alone (danger of burning the house, falling, getting lost inside, etc). Can you go with him to look at retirement facilities? Tell him you’re looking at them yourself! Check into agencies that can visit him at home - the office of aging would have ideas. If he’s a Veteran, he can get free services and aides in the house from them.
Alzheimer’s.net has a list of tracking devices that can be worn to help locate your neighbor when he gets lost. https://www.alzheimers.net/8-8-14-location-devices-dementia/.
I think I’d call the Office of Aging first to get oriented with local services and their advice for your neighbor. Good luck!
I don't want to sound cruel but you also have the right to notify the local police dept and motor vehicles of your concerns. You may just wind up saving his life or the life of another family out for a walk or drive. He is an accident waiting to happen and you will feel guilty if you don't do anything about the situation. You are doing it because you care about him.
My next door neighbor years ago was in the same situation. When he turned into our street everyone grabbed their kids in fear of what might happen. He pulled in his driveway and his car wheel got stuck in the window well of his basement window.
When he would drive to an intersection he would slam on the breaks because he couldn't decide which way to go....causing cars behind him to get in an accident, and he then drove off.
I did notify our local precinct and not long after he lost his license. I would do it again if needed. The slogan "If you see something, say something," seems to apply to this disaster waiting to happen. Good luck.
In the meantime, if you are willing and able, you can offer to drive him to any regular appointments. This is what some awesome neighbors do for my 2 very senior aunties in FL. They enjoy each other's company and my aunties thank them by treating them to lunches and dinners.
A friend of mine was out of the country when her very senior mother who was back home, who lives with her and has been totally capable of just about every function, got lost on the way to the vet to pick up her dog. She was "lost" for over 14 hours calling my friend in Nicaragua. It did not even occur to the mother to stop and ask for directions or take a taxi home even though she had the money and her address was plainly on her driver's license. So, others who have suggested that a smartphone would have helped, I don't think so because it's not just about getting lost, it's about confusion and loss of cognitive functions like logic and problem-solving, an indicator of bigger impending issues for your neighbor.
My aunt had an appt. forgot where she left the car. That was the end of her driving. police/DMV pulled her license, she forgot to show up for the "meeting."
So, things happen, try to have another source set up for him, city ride or something... It would be horrific if he forgot he was driving...Does he live alone? He may need to be placed in AL
If he truly doesn’t have family to help I would contact the police non-emergency and discuss it with them. You can probably do this anonymously or not. Is it better to keep quiet and have a tragedy occur to your neighbor?
If he is reluctant to give up driving, AARP has a safe senior driver program or report it to your local police department. They can give him a driver's test/evaluation to see if he is still safe to drive.
#1 Disable the auto.
#2 Take away his Driver's License.
#3 Do so STAT before he kills someone or himself.
Just wanted to share my experience(s):
My Mom (at the time 81 yrs) drove down to the Walmart early afternoon. Next thing she remembers is going down this dirt road and stopping the car. She didn't get out and sat there till it got dark. She could hear the coyotes in the distance. When it got dark, she could see the city lights in the distance and turned the car around. She was almost out of gas and stopped at the nearest gas station. Fortunately for us we were already out looking for her and my sister spotted her as she got out of the car. I assume that she had driven into someone's property on the outskirt of town. Thank God she thought about turning the car around or she would of probably be there maybe days till someone found her. She has not driven since.
My Dad insisted on driving for quite a while before we realized he had a problem (he was 87). My Mom would not let us know until she was starting fear for her life. He was going down one way streets, side swiping cars parked on the side of the road, getting lost, almost hitting a pedestrian while he was trying to park at the mall. I couldn't take the keys from him fast enough. Yep, he could of killed himself, my mom, and others. How could I live with that!
Two high school brothers got hit by an elderly man while coming home from an all day fishing trip. The brothers died. That was tragic. They were friends of the family.
An elderly women walked away from her family at a flea market and here we are almost three years later and it looked like she just vanished.
I'm glad he shared his concern with you. After about a year my Dad started telling me that something was wrong with him. Of course by then we already knew that Alzheimer's had set in. It's hard for people to reach out for help. They may try to down play it. I'm glad you took it seriously.
Hopefully his family will be contacted and take care of him. If they don't an agency or his doctor (if known) will help.
God Bless You!
I feel they should have to do a driving tests and take a written test too. It’s dangerous for them and dangerous for other passengers on the road.