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She has no savings. Has to pay caregiver. $20/hr, $300/mo visa bill, groceries utilities, taxes. She hasn’t found a skilled nursing facility she likes. She planned on selling her home to pay for that. She is very particular. So I’m loaning her money every month and she normally pays it back but recently it has been more borrowing and less paying back. What to do?

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You are free to loan money to whomever you please; I myself, if asked for a loan, make it a gift or don't do it at all. Because normally it becomes, indeed, a gift.
If a "loan" in my mind I would feel free to judge everything the person I loaned to--what they paid for a cup of Starbucks; whether they went to movie at night, or cheaper matinee, how often they are out to eat or order in a pizza, whether they were playing around of Home Shopping Network, etc. Not a good thing. Not for them and not for me.

I will only say this. I do give to charities, I do help family members, BUT, I have a set limit I personally will not fall below myself, for what I guesstimate (and it is just that) my own care, given I had to go into memory care tomorrow, would cost me. I am 83 this year. We are getting closer to the point where I cannot outlive my money; but not there yet!

Do understand in your own mind that it takes a LIFETIME of good job, good luck, hard savings, coupon clipping to save up enough to be what Dave Ramsey (I recommend him for your listening pleasure and hers as well) calls "self-insured".
If you are not that--SELF INSURED--you would be foolish to foster another's need beyond small help, grocery bag now and again, etc. Help her explore management of her money; help her keep a good budget. Help her understand the repercussions of non-payment of her bills.

Wish you the best. All your decision as an adult, but just a couple of small things to think about. Hope others can help as well.
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Flyhigh53 Mar 16, 2025
Thanks! Loved your style of writing! Lots of food for thought! Tjx’
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First and foremost, stop loaning the money. If she has the assets to sell to pay for her AL, then she should do just that. It is not YOUR responsibility.
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Why do you keep doing this to yourself? Your cousin’s life is none of your business really
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You might consider going to a therapist to find out why you need to keep obeying and "rescuing" this cousin at your own expense. This is a codependent relationship and therefore not healthy. You are very enmeshed with her and it's costing you a lot in several ways, I don't mean to be unkind but rather, realistic.

She seems to be sucking you in more and more. Your best course is to stop enabling her and set firm boundaries as to what, if any, help you will give her. She won't like it but then you don't like what is happening to you, and you are every bit as important as she is. Your job is first and foremost to look after yourself. No one else can do that.

There are very good suggestion in posts here. You need to protect yourself from this person who is taking advantage of you. No one can take advantage of you without your permission. Time to put a stop to that and put yourself and your needs first. Take steps towards that and take care of you.
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Flyhigh53 Mar 15, 2025
Eye opening! Thank you! I’ve got a lot to think about!!
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I would see if you can put a lien on the house. That way you are guaranteed your money back. As said, get it in writing have it witnessed and notarized. Loan no more money.

Yes, your being s**t on. What a slap in the face. No good deed goes unpunished.

I would keep nothing in your garage. This is it, she is in a board and care now and may eventually need Medicaid in a LTC. She only needs what is in her room. Everything else should be sold. If she wants it stored, then she pays to have it stored.

I may ask her "And what am I going to get for helping you and loaning you 10k?"
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STOP loaning any money
If you do not have a WRITTEN agreement with her that she pays you back just consider that money gone. And gone is any other you have "loaned" her in the past. Lesson learned..an expensive one at that
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“I’m resentful, unappreciated even used” Yes, you absolutely are, and only you can put a stop to it. Stop dancing to the tune of a bed bound manipulative person. Her demands are not your commands. Don’t store her stuff or meet her expectations for more help or money. She’s in this position for a reason, a reason you cannot and should not attempt to fix. I’m sorry you’ve been used and hope you won’t choose to be again
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Thanks for the update. I am hoping you've gotten the loans in writing (and signed by her) so that when she pays you back from the sale of her home, it doesn't look like gifting. If not, I'd do this immediately. Leverage any future help if she doesn't want to sign anything. In fact, you should rent a storage locker and have her pay for 2 or more years in advance for it. No way should you be storing her crap in your garage of continue to be her lackey. Start using the word "No".
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You DON’T have to do what you are told. Stop! Take everything you want from the house (call it security for your loan if you like), and if Cousin doesn’t need it now, just deal with it in the way that’s most convenient for you. If Cousin wants to sort and repackage it, it’s waiting for her to do it herself, when and if she is fit enough to organise it. You DON’T have to “drive back and put the two bags of stuff back in the trunk”. Act like you are in charge – because if she can’t do things, you really are in charge.
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Update: not sure if I’m doing this right. Cousin had to go to hospital and when she was better the case manager found her a board and care! Ok. I had to loan her $4,000 to move in and another for this month till the house is sold. That process has started. A company is coming this week to empty her house to get it ready to sell. And she has done very well at the board and care. Her wounds have healed and she is not alone all night. I’m venting here cause I dont know how to feel about a recent occurrence. I’ve been gathering stuff she wants from her house. There is an Old steamer like trunk that has been locked that she wanted to give to the cousin (who helped scam her of money by having her contractor boyfriend have his sleazy contractor friend who is in our state do the work). She had to pay a new co tractor $100,000 to finish the job after four or five years. The trunk was our grandmothers. She asked me to try to open to get her cameras out. I did and no cameras but lovely crocheted items. A lot. Plus grandmas hairpins. I took them home so my daughters could see them. And maybe choose one or two. My cousin wants me to put everything back in the trunk so scammer cousin doesn’t have an empty trunk. Apparently she played with our grandma and grandma loved her etc. my problem is how I’m feeling. I’m resentful, unappreciated even used? I’ve been working to bag up the stuff she wants to keep in my garage. She speaks so lovingly of this other cousin who talked her out of stopping the work at $30,000 and letting the guy continue. Her and her boyfriend must have gotten a cut. Both cousins have had a lot of childhood trauma. I resent having to drive back and put the two bags of stuff back in the trunk. I don’t know. I’m waiting for the house to sell to get my $10,000 back. Thanks to all for your kind input about not lending her $. It worked and she moved. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
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Lending her money is allowing her to say ‘no, not good enough’ to the only options she really has. Start asking her to repay the existing debt. Almost everyone will grasp any excuse to avoid going into care. Your ‘loans’ are her excuses. Putting financial pressure on her will speed up her making a sensible choice.
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Flyhigh53 Dec 2024
Thank you!
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IMO you need to stop supporting this untenable situation. She needs to get on with the next phase of her life, which is finding a facility where she can be cared for and selling her home to pay for it. I am mystified as to why you started loaning her money in the first place. It just puts off the inevitable.
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Flyhigh53 Dec 2024
She inherited her home from her mom and $300,000 from an aunt so she decided to remodel the home. Unfortunately she was scammed by the contractor and it took five years to finish. She had to borrow to pay a new contractor. When she moved in, I was happy for her then health emergency , hospital,& nursing home. She had physical therapy and it was dreadfully painful. The staff said she shouldn’t live alone. I don’t have any say over what she does and she went back home. You’re right. I never should have loaned her money. It did delay the inevitable. Thank you for your response.
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How is she able to find a SNF that she likes when she is bedbound? Something is fishy with this explanation. Also if she is selling her home, how can she vacate during a showing? Logic is missing.
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Flyhigh53 Dec 2024
I know,right?! I visit facilities she would call and she reads all the reviews. So if she sees 4 stars, she won’t consider it. And if she did find what she liked she would need a bridge loan to cover Skilled nursing monthly payments while her house would be on the market. I did tell her I’m not loaning her any more $. She understood. 🤞🤞🤞 thank you.
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With the cost of living the way it is now to last year its not a budgeting problem its everything has gone up. I would tell hwr since she is not paying you back you can't afford to support her either. She needs to make a decision. Sell her house and dowsize to an apartment or go into LTC. Its not fair to you if she had options. I may call Officebof Aging and allow them to evaluate her situation.
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Flyhigh53 Dec 2024
Thank you, you’re right. I will call and see what they say.
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Please stop lending her money. As you can see it is unsustainable and you will probably never see that money again -- no matter what she promises. She's the one that needs to take the risk, not you. She needs to find a place and then sell her house. Do not give her another penny. She is 75 yrs old and should know how to budget by now. You can help her find out what social services are available to her. If she's bedbound and cannot use a wheelchair then she probably is a candidate for LTC which can be covered by Medicaid plus her SS income. She needs to first sell her house and go into a good facility on private pay. Then, when her money is a few months from running out she applies for Medicaid and can stay in the same facility as long as she checked first to ensure they accept Medicaid recipients. I feel sorry for her caregiver because eventually she won't get paid, either.
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Flyhigh53 Dec 2024
Thank you!
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Stop enabling a user. That is what you do.
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Flyhigh53 Dec 2024
You’re right!
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What does your cousins weight have to do with you loaning her money? She can join the club since 40.3% of adults in the USA are obese, and 12.9% are severely obese. Americans sure love super sized portions, drive thru windows and grazing on snacks.

Stop loaning your cousin money she's not paying back. That's giving her money when she owns a home she can sell. That's my suggestion.
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Flyhigh53 Dec 2024
I needed to hear this. Thank you.
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Since she has options for where to go and an ability to pay by selling her house, you can stop lending her money without guilt. That will actually help her by prompting her to made a decision and get the long-term plan underway.
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Flyhigh53 Dec 2024
Thank you!
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I think that you as an adult can decide what best to do about someone you loan money to, who doesn't pay it back.

Please refer this woman in need to APS or family members who might be able to help her with future needs.

Best out to you; clearly you have a good heart, but your head needs to tell you that it will take you a LIFETIME of careful saving and good luck to be able to afford not to be in this poor woman's position in future.

Good luck.
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Flyhigh53 Dec 2024
Thank you. True.
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