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It's ok to love your Mom.
It's ok to not be her caregiver.
It's ok to be overwhelmed.
It's ok to hate your life right now but please know it can change!
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Beatty
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What now is perhaps an exploration of your own limitations. We are not Saints; we are human beings. We are often using the wrong G word in that we feel guilty that we cannot "fix this". The correct G word is grief. Grief that, in fact, THIS CANNOT BE FIXED.
It may be time to consider placement. Welcome to the Forum. When you have a specific question for us, give us details, and we will try to help you. Do know, we have all been in the world of "not fixable".
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Hi Twisted and welcome.

I read your profile and would like to ask a question. In it you state that your mother threatens to take stuff away from you.
What stuff? You're a grown adult. No one can take anything away from you.
If she's referring to cutting you out of her will, then tell her go ahead and that she can hand whatever she has over to the nursing home she'll be going to instead.
Remember this. She's dependent on you. Not the other way around. So this means you do not have to tolerate demanding or browbeating behavior from her. Stand up for yourself and being in some outside homecare to help your situation. If mom doesn't like it and refuses, tell her it's this or a nursing home.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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You are normal for feeling as you do. Many of us can say, “Been there, done that.”

We do not owe our parents our home. Too bad I didn’t realize this years ago. My life could have been totally different!

So, bottom line, make positive changes for YOU! Your mom will adapt to those changes.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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Welcome Twisted.

Take some deep breaths. You have come to the right place.

I have LOTS of questions! - but I think it would be better to give you a chance to get your bearings on the forum first.

How are things today?
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Reply to Countrymouse
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It is not wrong to feel overwhelmed. It's not wrong to still love her but not want to be the full time care giver. Being relatively newly married, your focus should be on your relationship.

The situation many find themselves in is there aren't funds to pay for care, either in the home or in a facility. Many suggest trying Medicaid, if that's the situation. The problem there, as I see it, is Medicaid is mostly for NHs and not all will qualify for NH care. IF she can qualify for Medicaid (income dependent) but not for NH care (dementia isn't sufficient, they generally need specialized nursing care to qualify), most Medicaid programs have a limited amount of in home care that can be paid for. If you can get help at least part time in the home, to take the onus off of you, you can use some of that time to see what other services she might qualify for.

As for the threats, ignore those. Sure, our parents can threaten to write us out of wills or other silly things, but right now the big issue is she is taking your life away. Everything else is just stuff. Who cares what she threatens to take away? Most likely she isn't capable of following through with any of it, but she IS sucking the life out of you. There were multiple reasons that caring for my mother, either in her place or mine, wasn't going to work. Physical limitations for me, logistical limitations for her place and mine and the fact that she can be difficult all combined to make my decision - she had sufficient assets, including/esp after we sold her condo, so I took care of her by being the manager of everything, overseeing her care and finances, watching out for her, etc. I have ZERO guilt. I did the best I could for her and the four years in the MC place were good. It was a nice place, always clean, activities planned, choices for meals, including meal times, etc. She was always clean and well cared for, no matter what time I showed up!

My case is a little different, as I was of retirement age when this happened, not newly married and starting out. It has cut into my "retirement" a lot, but mainly just sucking up my time. I had no plans to travel and all that, but it has put a damper on things. However, it would have been much worse if I'd tried to do it myself. Sometimes it is best to let those who are young and trained for this kind of care to provide that and let us resume a semi-normal relationship and preserve our health, sanity and marriages/family!
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Reply to disgustedtoo
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Hello and welcome! Your profile says that your dad recently died. Were you his caregiver, too? Did both of them live with you, or did your mother only move in after he died?

What is your mother's financial situation? Can she afford a facility, or is she Medicaid-eligible?
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Reply to CTTN55
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I am in the same boat. I love mom and am starting to get tired. She has been living with my family and I since 2017 after my dad passed.

She will hand wash all dishes that I load in the dishwasher, stop the washer while the clothes are being washed (she loves to fold laundry and confuses the washer and dryer), she will put the compost into the recycling the list goes on. It’s exhausting as I work full time have two kids (12 &14). I work from home so I can keep an eye on her but she still manages to get into trouble. I can leave mom alone for a few hours. She is in stage 4 Alz. I have a video doorbell so if I see her trying to leave the house I can immediately talk to her from my cell. I am never able to fully disconnect. She is on my mind all the time as she is so unpredictable.

the thought of putting her in a care home breaks my heart. I know she would hate it. I feel she is still so functional so it’s a bit early. Part of me wants her to quickly decline so I can justify moving her to a care home.
She not at all violent. Sweet as can be.

i totally feel you with your question. There are days where I can’t take it anymore and then I remind myself that soon she won’t remember me. Soon she won’t be living here. Soon she won’t be living ... I try to find the sweet moments where we have a laugh about something. The other day I lied down in bed with her and she ran her fingers through my hair. I felt like I had my mom back for just a moment. Find these moments to keep you going because the will continue to slip away ...
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Reply to AlzDaughter
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Violet521 May 17, 2021
The situation you describe with your mom and the dishes and recycling made me laugh and cry at the same time. I've tried to explain to my friends and family who've never cared for a person with dementia or Alzheimer's how completely infuriating this small stuff becomes after a while. My mom never had a dishwasher so she totally doesn't understand the whole process of filling it, running it, and emptying it. Instead, she stands at the sink and rinses and rinses and rinses the dishes for 10-15 minutes but never actually washes them. When I hear the water running I just want to SCREAM.
(2)
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Maybe its time to place her. If she has money, then an Assisted living. If not, depending how advanced her Dementia is, Longterm care with Medicaid footing the bill.

I was retired when I had my Mom living with me and she was easy. If I had worked fulltime, she would not have lived with me.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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If she actually has 'stuff' to leave to you - money, house, etc - tell her that you would prefer she use these things to pay for some help for her care. Money can be spent to hire some help or assisted living apt if she has enough. When someone can hold something over your head to get you to do something, you have to reach a point where you decide is it really worth it? If it is, continue on.

If 'stuff' refers to - her paying for things for you or providing you with essentials of living (house, car, personal items), it's time to stand on your own two feet and provide for yourself. Let go of what she has that keeps a leash around your neck if you don't want the caretaker role. Or, continue to take what she offers and suffer in silence. Really only two ways to resolve the issue.
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Reply to my2cents
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