I just had a major meltdown and yelled at my Mom who has general anxiety disorder. How do I avoid this?

Caring for another can be very stressful. What I have found that works for me is that I wear a bracelet I made out of turquoise & I always wear it. It has become my prayer bracelet & when ever I am caring for my husband & I am the enemy, I just smile & PRAY....been doing this for years now & it works well for me.

Dear Lindalouie64 ~ I felt the same way the first time I lost it with my husband. I was devastated. A few hours later when he came to me and asked why was I crying.... I forgave myself, and basted in the realization he didn't remember any thing that had happened. Now, I try to be more gentle, understanding, and patient. Its an everyday thing, and not easy to always do! We are human, taking on an extraordinary job! I hope you were able to help find the reason for your Mothers pain... You will be remembered in my prayers...... God, please bless all of us caretakers ~~~

Madeleine can you find out if you can crush the pills and put it in a small amount of food she eats, so she doesn't have to swallow a pill? You can't crush all pills, so make sure that's OK. Hugs to you - it has to be SOOO frustrating when you're trying to help and your mom just can't comprehend what's happening.

freqflyer, I had my Dr.check her for a UTI last Thursday and it came back negative, I had them check the cultures which took a few days, they called me yesterday and said that she does have a UTI. How long does it take to leave her system?
We are back in Florida now and she started antibiotics yesterday. Today she took one of the 2 pills, but she would not comprehend the concept of swallowing the pill, i even put it in rice pudding and she did not swallow, she kept holding it between her teeth. I lost my cool and yelled at her really loud and told her how hard she is making it for me and cursed. I feel like poo! She bit my finger, slapped me and called me names...

My mom fell outside our home, landed on her pelvic bone causing a hairline fracture. We were in the ER overnight and because they did not have any rooms she had to sit on a wheelchair for several hours with excruciating pain. They took x-rays but could not see why my mom was in so much pain. I can not remember all the tests but believe she had the CT scan and an MRI. One of the two showed the hairline fracture. It was sad to see her go through all that pain. She took over the counter pain relievers and was sent home to let it heal on its own. We did a followup with her Orthopedic and he also said it has to heal on its own and would take quite a bit of time to heal. We asked if any sort of exercises may help her in some way and she healed quickly.

Another thing I thought that may be causing pain could be vaginal dryness due to menopause. I know about the dryness because I have experienced this and let me tell you it is painful. It has only happened a few times for me but those few times were painful. I have not seen a doctor yet as I do not have insurance.

As for having gotten upset, I truly understand as I too have been there. It is good to talk to others about the emotional roller coaster and all we go through and let me tell you I have been enlightened. I am one of eleven children and seem to be the only one that feels and tries to understand my mom's recent bouts of illnesses. I have come to accept that I am the only one but I want to do it with kindness and compassion. I choose to not allow myself to get upset with family any more as I do not want to be a bitter person and do not want to get sick so that I can be there for mom.

God bless you for being there for your mom. You are a beautiful soul.

Don't have any advice about the pain but as for the meltdown....
I just turned 61 and have never thought of myself as a person who gets angry easily. I'm not what I would consider 'passive', I just have always had a very long fuse. Some would call me 'easy going'. All that changed when I became caregiver to my husband who has Alz. We are going on 5 yrs since the diagnosis. The last yr or so I hardly recognize myself. When I can't sleep at night I often lay there wondering 'who is this person I have become?' The smallest thing can set me off. The computer that refuses to cooperate, the red light that won't change, even the phone that doesn't seem to ring long enough for me to answer it before they hang up. Sometimes it seems the dumber the thing is the madder I can get.
And yes, I get so mad at my dear hubs sometimes I just want to scream. MY head knows that its not his fault. But my emotions just take over.
Two great pieces of advice above. One, Be grateful for and use this site to vent. People here understand, God bless them forever.
Two, and perhaps the hardest is learn to forgive yourself. You ARE only human, doing the hardest job imaginable.
I will pray for you as I do for myself and all the others here.
And I will be FIRST in line when they start handing out those 'pure reason' tablets. God bless

to avoid another melt down after telling her three times it was too early for bed. I let her put herself to bed. It wasn't all perfect but it was okay and I didn't lost it. Do what you must in the moment to avoid trouble and things seem to work out. Choose your battles. Like last week when she put on a sweater and jacket over her long sleeve shirt she found out when we went outside (hottest day) she needed to remove the jacket. Laugh too. Journal or whatever defense mech works for you! Blessings! My mom is 85 next month and her father lived to 96. Dementia is her only major illness.

Can't help with the gyn thing. But as for the yelling...OMG....my mom is gone now and living with the guilt of those "meltdowns" is horrific. . There were other options. Find them. I know you don't mean the horrible things you say. I know it's just a way to release frustration, sorrow, etc. Let tomorrow be the first day of finding the right place to run....the right thing to say to yourself......the right response to mom....even if it's a simple nonsense phrase that you create and only you know the translation would make a sailor blush.

I have the same problem,I have a meltdown once a week or more. The last time was when my car wouldn't start at the grocery store. That was a few days ago. My mother wouldn't leave me alone, she kept needling at me , so I said I am going and left her her with my 42 year old son. I had to do that, I was going nuts and needed to calm down. Needless to say my car started after awhile. Yes do forgive yourself you are only human. We are not perfect. We are best. Try one day a week going to a quiet place to regroup. That helps me. Have you heard of Comfort keepers. I hear they are great. Oh incidentally my mom is 91 and her doctors say she could live to be 100. Gulp.

I have to forgive myself daily for losing it with my Mom on much lesser accounts sometimes. It is hard on the easiest day. Just love her and love yourself. I will pray for you!

Madleine, have your Mother check out for an urinary tract infection... in the elderly, a UTI can cause all sorts of physical and mental symptoms.

Forgive yourself. And take mum to another doctor. And when with mum behave as if it was u having the pain. She might be afraid of being left alone with constant pain.

I am so new at this. My 80 year old mom who my brother lives with and his daughter, husband and kids has Alzheimer's, her general Dr. who is not a geriatric Dr. keeps telling us she doesn't, that its her electrolytes off wack, but she has been on supplements for them for years and she gets delusional and confused in the afternoon. I live in NC and been wanting her up here with me for years, but she prefers Florida, needless to say, my brother has been her caregiver. Last month I went down to bring her back with me to relieve my brother with concern that if she changes her familiar setting that it could damage her more with confusion. The first 3 weeks where great. She can't really do anything by herself, but once we help with standing up from the couch, chair, bed or toilet seat she is good to go on her walker for small amounts of time, she tried and helped with that until the 4th week. She won't cooperate with standing up at all, I am small and have back issues and had to carry her off, and as tiny as she is, she makes it super hard as she holds on for dear life in whatever she is sitting in, she is all of a sudden clueless on how to use her legs or anything in that matter. she refuses to go to the bathroom with me with fear of not getting up and or falling, but I was her there and she was able to tell me when she had to go, now she just does it in her diaper and my house smells like poo all the time and my boyfriend is beyond over it. What could have triggered this sudden change? Help!

This role reversal thing is so tough. Our parents took care of us and now it's our turn to take care of them but while doing that, we also have to take care of ourselves. It's critical that as a caregiver you practice self care as well. Self care helps us to think clearly and withstand the guilt and pressure that comes from taking care of an aging parent. No matter what you do or don't don for your mother, guilt will creep in to your thoughts. It comes with the territory but it's easier to handle if you are healthy and well rested.

Hi LauraLouie,

Pain in the vaginal area is not normal as females age, yet thinning is normal. You have to find out what is causing the pain so I also believe that she needs to see a female gyn doctor, maybe change doctors. It's possible that this is a
(1) UTI (urinary tract infection) that is causing her pain and discomfort. My mother gets them frequently and is going to be 91. the infection usually manifests as confusion, malaise/tired-no pep, foul smelling urine. So we have a standing order from her PCP to take her urine sample here at home over to the hospital lab for testing. It comes back and then antibiotics are prescribed after the 72-hour culture is completed (so they know what antibiotic to prescribe that will kill the bacterial species.)

(2) I'd take her to see a urologist and have that "female" urologist do a cystoscopy to check out her kidneys, ureters, bladder, urethra, etc. They can determine if your mom has enterocele, cystocele, and rectocele, or not. They can also determine any obstructions that could be causing pain, etc.

Another pain problem could be associated with (3) her cervix prolapsing out of her vagina--causes pain for sure. Mom had her complete hysterectomy at age 85, then no pain.

I'd have those things done to start the "process of elimination" as to what is causing these problems. See good female doctors, both gynecologist, and urologists.

Does you mom have incontinence? My mother does. This is what leads to UTI's. It's a problem that's cyclic because a) of wet pads next to her skin too long, b) not going to the bathroom every two hours to empty bladder and change pads, c) not drinking enough water during the day (to determine this take your weight and divide it in half, then determine how many 8 oz glasses of water she needs to drink. For example, at 120 lbs divided by 2 = 60, so she'd have to drink about 7 (8oz) glasses of water to day.) Also, improper wiping after a BM leads to rectal bacteria entering the vagina and causing UTI's. Make sure she is wiping correctly. Bad habits are hard to break!

Anyway, yes when you're the one taking care of your parent with no one else helping you, it can be very frustrating especially since you want your mom 100% healthy and happy. So, it's not unheard of to "yell" at your parent when you are exhausted trying to "fix" the problem. Just do what you can and no your own limitations. Sometimes the best thing we can do for others is to take care of ourselves first. Maybe once you find out what the pain problem is, than after that, take your mom and yourself on a little vacation even if it's around your town or out to the park. Sit down and explain to her why you are frustrated at times, and why you love her so much, and how you can both work things out together. It often helps just to sit down and let it all out, regardless of not wishing to hurt someone's feelings....it simply needs to come out or you'll blow up! Once you talk openly then there is a new found trust that can work wonders and allows mom to talk openly about her stuff also. It's a win-win for sure.

Blessings to you, and remember, you cannot fix anything, but you can work towards resolving the issues through the process of elimination.

God bless you and your caring heart! Hugs and Agape!

I am so glad to see this post...I have been taking care of (living with) my Mom for over a year, working full time and caring for my Dad in his final stages of cancer (40 min away). I have awesome caregivers during the week days, but week-ends are mine for both of them. I lost it last week-end and yelled like a screaming banchee at my Mom and it breaks my heart. I love her so much and I HAVE resolved to never do it again...I am just so dang tired....Better now after reading this. I frightened myself. I am not a yelling person and least of all, at my mommy. Thanks for posting this !!!

I agree on getting a second opinion from a gynaecologist.
Not sure if your mum also suffers from dementia/Alz's etc, but elderly ladies are often not as able to articulate pain and location, so that can result in misdiagnoses, and missed diagnoses.

Take her back until one of them can clearly articulate what your mum is suffering from, and the treatment alleviates her pain.

I know it sounds odd, but I filmed my mum when she was suffering one of random pain attacks (was in her head and nose) because the nurses and doctors were never there to see it, so it made it impossible for them to tell what it was (or actually understand how severe it was. Was really distressing.

I was convinced it was caused by her nasogastric tube, but til they saw the severity on the video clip they did not take it seriously, and just gave her paracetol.
Turned out to be abscess caused by the tube! So it was a good job I persisted.

With regards yelling, number one, it is no surprise, so tell yourself it is absolutely OK to feel angry, it is normal. Just telling yourself it is OK can dissipate the emotion and calm you down.

I've recommended practising Mindfulness to another lady on here and she said it helped her too (I am an addict now!)
This guy is amazing: http://youtu.be/YW-TDOgstSE
- 2 x 8 min sessions that I guarantee will relax you and calm you. (meditation that helps you accept your thoughts and feelings, and leaves you feeling very nice. )
Find somewhere quiet, wrap yourself in a warm blankie, close your eyes, and listen to this guy. Magic.

You most certainly are not alone. (Some of your anger may indeed be frustration because you cannot help your mum)
Be kind to yourself.
Big hug x

If her skin is dry, maybe extra fats or oils in her diet would help. Most medical doctors are ignorant of the benefits of fats and oils in the diet. But all seem to agree that fish oil is good.

And of course, if she has a yeast infection, a vinegar and water douche would help. Yoghurt with active cultures might help too.

Wish I had the answer, I'm guilty of this also. We have an excellent Doc who has a specialty in geriatrics, not sure how I would do it without her. Forgive yourself we are all in an impossible situation that has changed daily life for them and us, all we can do is the best we know how. Prayers and hugs

As backdrop to my comments: My mom lives with me - I am an only child and have no help/ not married. She is very short tempered, stubborn and controlling, with all the baggage that goes with that. But this is what I have chosen to do for now and her setup at my house is very ideal for her.
Anyway. Mom has almost continual UTI's that she cannot recognize as being that. I have had to force the doctors to do cultures for this, as well as blood tests to ensure that she doesn't get sepsis. (This is despite her recent history of a 3 week hospitalization for sepsis.) The hospitalization was due to her collapsing and we had to have an ambulance come, ER, etc. That was VERY stressful and traumatic for both of us - so I am very insistent about the UTI cultures and sepsis blood tests being done now because I am trying to prevent that reoccurring, despite my mother being resistant to getting tested.
I am just saying this because many elderly die of UTI's and sepsis because they don't know the symptoms. Doctors are not diligent about checking for this so I have found.
As far as the yelling - I have done this once (or twice) because she is very domineering and does things 'her way' even when I have asked her not to (this is constantly - but I generally can grit my teeth). I have to try to be as proactive as possible in dealing with her (rather than reactive). That means that I aggressively try to take care of the medical on MY timeline, and try to fit in time (on MY timeline as much as possible) to do the annoying things that she wants to do or have done.
I make it a point to get happy before getting out of bed and facing the day. That way, it takes longer for my patience to wear thin. Some people may do this through meditation, but I just lay in bed for a while and listen to happy or calming music on my IPhone or maybe a guided meditation. I insist on being happy when I get out of bed. Ok - it might not last too long but I get annoyed later in the day than I would otherwise.
Of course, prayer works miracles as long as you do them BEFORE the event.

You need to have your mom seen by an obgyn/urologist or just a urologist that knows women. I am an R.N. & suffer from pelvic inflammatory disease. The pain was terrible & I had to go through 2 very long surgeries(18 hours jointly) & my complaint was vaginal pain. My insides were falling outside however, it took me a specialist to put it together. I saw at least 25 surgeons before I found one I was ok with. Then I am in the profession. It helped a lot just knowing the mechanisms of it all.
I am better & can get around but it has changed my life, but so has the gift of my husband. Don't always like the wrapping the gifs come in but they are always gifts!

I am on no medications now & still this has changed my life.
I also am the only care giver for my husband who suffers from solvent dementia & he is only 64.
Guilt serves no one & takes from you.
God's Speed.....

I am so grateful for this forum....before I found it, I felt so alone and crazy for some of the feelings I was having...but I am relieved that I am not the only caregiver going through this. I too have had minor melt downs in the past, but this past week I really blew it and yelled at my mother. I am the only caregiver for her (even though I have siblings). My older brother lives away and does come home as much as possible to help and helps out financially, but I am her day to day caregiver. It seems like there is a never ending list to her problems...I run her to the doctor and/or come up with a solution that may last a couple of weeks and then it is right back to the same or a new problem arises. It is frustrating because she will only try things once or twice before giving up and saying it is not working, BUT expects me to constantly come up with ways to help (ie. relieve pain, make her more comfortable). I work a full time job taking care of spinal cord injury patients (who need total care), have two children, one in college and another in high school, plus taking care of my mother. I am being pulled in so many directions that same days I feel like I am losing my mind. I used to feel very guilty when I had the meltdowns, but now I just don't care. I have so many people "pulling" on me but no one to help. It is a shame that I have to get to this point before my siblings will lift a finger to help instead of just coming for a "visit". So my advice is don't be hard on yourself. No one knows what it is like and what it is caregivers go through....

Your mom has depression. Sometimes people who have clinical depression experience physical pain. Is she on an antidepressant?

i would take to a female doc an it could be anything. now that'I' HAVE HAD A HISTORECTOMY, doctors dont treat me very well either. She could have a cyst, or a facture down there. And for exploding an yelling, i have done this too. Its all part of this journey we go through. i take care of both my parents as much as I can.. Dad has a stomach tube, my mom has lukeimia and diabetes. And they are both hoarders. I even called social services on them. Didnt help. They said anybody can live the way they want. Dads is always in pain from both artheritsidt and uses 2 cains. my mom is also on oxygen. It is hard. No doubt. I will pray that you find a answer for your mom. pray for yourself. God hears us.

I love how people just say "get some meds".
Don't. Everyone thinks everything can be cured with a pill these days.

Go to the store, get some Vagicaine (anti-itch cream) -- I know you said she has "pain" but an untreated 'itch' can reach to levels of pain. And especially since the elderly skin thins out, the itch CAN be painful. So try that.

The next solution is a prescription you need from the doctor. Sometimes, if she is not properly dried off or wearing the wrong type of underwear, anyone at any age can develop a yeast infection. A yeast infection doesn't necessarily need to have all the gruesome symptoms if you know what I mean. The yeast on our body can be found even under our breast or if she's a larger woman, under folds of skin. It's a painful rash. Try: Clotrimazole Betamethasone Dipropionate cream. (Ugh such a long name just to say: anti fungal cream.) Don't do the monastat 7 thing. Too much. This cream I'm suggesting will ease her pain and take away the infection (if there is one). Check her temperature too.

I hope this helps.

As far as lashing out? Forgive yourself and each time she is complaining of pain, take a deep breath and just picture the world from her eyes. That's what I do. It's very difficult to keep hearing complaints, but if you seriously cannot tolerate it or you have had it 'up to here' --- is there someone else in your family who can help out?

Good luck……

Been there done that.Probably will again. I just keep repeating the mantra...humble yourself, humble yourself..sometimes you can't help it...I didn't want to do it, but anxiety med s helped.

Check for uti. After the warm sitz bath use Tucks Medicated pads resting on top of a pantie liner pad in her under wear. They are safe and soothing. Use often through out the day and in evenings. So sorry your Mom is having this issue. Hope this helps her..Keep in mind this life you are leading is all temperary..just hang on to the love..

In the state of Louisiana that would be considered elder abuse. Your mom or anyone else who heated the outburst and you would have state agencies knocking on your front door not just once but weekly. Then follow up that with local detectives from the sheriffs office investigating claims of abuse to the infirm. I would suggest you scream into a pillow on your own bedroom. It can get ugly!

Lindalouie, I looked up causes of pain in the vaginal area last night on Google and found many. There were quite a few that wouldn't show up unless someone was looking in the right places, rather than superficially. I do believe your mother has pain. In my experience dealing with my hypochondriac mother, I've learned if she repeats a certain complaint over a long time, there is a problem there.

It can be exhausting for us caregivers running around to doctors searching for some relief for our parents. I don't know about other people's experience, but I have been "put off" by how gynecologists have treated my mother. I don't think many are used to working with the elderly, and many around here won't take Medicare, so it is apparent they don't want to. I wish there were some doctors who specialized in geriatric gynecology. I don't think we have a single one around here. If we do, I haven't found him/her.

Has Mom been checked for a UTI? Does she have regular normal bowel movements?
I am assuming the OBGYN did a complete pelvic examination?
Has she had any kind of pelvic surgery at any time? does not matter how long ago it was. Hysterectomy? Bladder support? Prolapse reduction? Hernia repair? was a CT scan of her pelvis suggested?
The rule in my book is that if a loved one says they have pain it has to be believed.
Does anything relieve it? Sitting in a warm bath? A warm pad on her belly?
Is it constant or does it come and go at certain times of the day? Can she sleep at night or does the pain keep her awake? Does she have haemorroides?
In the vaginal area there are three systems to be evalualted.
In the front is the urethra which drains urine from the bladder, this is only about 3 inches long so there could be stones in the bladder which are incredibly painful if they are passed. the tubes (ureters) that drain the urine from the kidneys to the bladder can go into spasm when there are stones present and aginagony which comes and goes and presents as pain in the groin. next is the vagina and the outlet to the utehra is in the front of this and maybe even tucked inside, The vagina of course connects the uterus to the outside. there are numerous conditions than can affect this system which may present as pain which seems to be in the vagina. Finally behind all this is the rectum and there are a huge number of things that can affect this and present as pelvic pain.
Finally trying a pain med stronger than Tylenol may be worth seeing if it relieves the pain. When no cause for pain can be found it is too often believed not to be real and of course this may also be possible in this case. How old is mom/