I get very little support from family and my friends have all abandoned me and I need help. Any advice?

Follow
Share

I have been caring for my mom for seven years and the last two years she can not be left alone. I am single have cut my work hours to less than 20 per week am having trouble finding quality care for my mom except for the few hours I get to leave my home....I hate my life because I no longer have a life, family have said I need a support group and since I cannot leave to join a group I am here. We have had loss in the past year with my brother passing unexpectedly.....Oh how I wish it would have been me.....I pray daily asking for help from above.....my prayers have yet to be answered....I am boarding on financial ruin from lack of work and paying out as much as I make just to care for her....I find I have no more patience for my mom because I am so unhappy in my own life....I will not put her in a nursing home because we don't have enough money to get her proper care so she is living with me. She has advanced stage Parkinson's, Dementia and the newest development is that she has panic attacks which are horrible. These are the worse, she tightens up all her muscles than complains about the pain from the tightened muscles.....I have had her to pain doctors, psychologists, primary care and of course the Parkinson doctor....nothing seems to help....All I know is I need some help and advise...
Thank you in advance for reading and helping.....
Feeling hopeless

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
46

Answers

Show:
1 2 3 4 5
Heart2heart thank you I also feel blessed that I have been able to do this.....I know I don't have a lot of time to work but I know that if I can just work a good six months I can knock out quite a few needless expenses goal number one, and to build up a small reserve again goal two, that way when I will have to stay with her more I will be able to.....only God knows these answers or even if they are realistic I put my faith in the lord who will guide me
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

97yearoldmom, I am in the accounting field have a great bunch of clients who allow me to work as much or as little as I want....my mom has Parkinson's yes I do know there may come a time when she will require more care than I or a in home can provide and may have no choice but to put her in a home, I will listen to what her doctors advise me...I have also learned that not only do dementia patients need consistency but this in and out with different workers has taken its toll on her which has caused her panic attacks.....so finding a great home aide is key to my success my prayers may have been answered with the last person I interviewed......
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Thank you sunny girl.....I am taking steps by enrolling her in the geriatric program at U of M here in my state they are a top notch hospital and study/learning facility which I feel will be much better suited to handling her needs she has Parkinson's which has contributed to the dementia...I am hoping by having all doctors in same facility seeing the notes others have wrote in her charts will help her, including her medications
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

It's quite admirable to say you are going to get someone to come in a few hours a day to help, but after seeing first hand how much care a person with dementia and other issues have, I don't see how that kind of set up works full time. And if you are expecting an elderly person with terminal, debilitating illnesses to get back on their feet.....welll. I haven't seen it happen. Normally, things go downhill quick. A facility that provides around the clock care are quite necessary in some cases, IMO, when you have a person who needs help with so many areas of their daily care. It has nothing to do with loyalty or commitment.

Beck5699, I might would have someone conduct an evaluation to see exactly how much assistance your mom needs. Perhaps a professional could provide a written report that would aid you in determining if your plans will work or if your mom needs more at this point.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I'm in a similar situation... After reading a lot of posts, 'counselors' (that didn't help),etc. I continue to assimilate all the facts of what 'real-life' caregiver's (mostly here on this site) have experienced and make sure to force some kind of balance in my life. I'm going on 10 yrs with my mother now... It's so easy to get lost in their life and not in yours (especially with no help). Even after all 'this' caregiving aftermath, I truly feel Blessed to be able to help my mother. If I could only be this lucky when I'm her age. You sound strong and like a survivor... But, you must take care of yourself... don't beat yourself up. ((Big Hug))
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Becky, you're very welcome.

Lots of great advice on here.

vstefans brings up a very valid point. Even if your mother was placed somewhere these same people would than come up with excuses as to how busy they are and wouldn't visit her or assist you in anyway.

These are just excuses. You would hear them regardless.

My favorite is "well you chose this". No, one adult child steps up to the plate FIRST, and all of sudden it's all on them.

Or "I would rather remember them the way they were".....LOL. Nice try, but it's BS. Just say "I don't want to be bothered", until the will is read of course. Than they have the time.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Becky - if home care works out well now, what a blessing for you both!!

But, if it doesn't, you could have to do what is really best for her and necessary for you, even at the risk of making you "feel" like you are abandoning her or feeling guilty. If that never happens, and she passes away at home when her time comes, great, you never have to use a nursing home...but if that's not how it plays out and she does go into a facility, please don't beat yourself up, and realize that in some ways you will be nearly as involved as you are now.

It really is wrong for family to sit back and say they will give you NO help and NO respite because you "choose" not to place her and want to give care at home. Its an excuse from caring, and they probably would not do much more if she was somewhere else. Caring IS hard; balancing and coordinating work and caregiving is on mean feat, watching a loved one's decline is grief-filled and even harder, and people who are not as strong will grasp at opportunities to beg off if they think someone else has got it all under control. Sometimes you can find things they feel are easy enough for them to handle that actually take something off your do list...though you may have to get around the resentment that they don't step up to do more.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Care giving is so difficult. Depending on her case there may be resources she may qualify for. If she has Medicare/Medicaid they may pay for home health to come in and help. Your county aging office probably has resources you could quality for including respite care to give you a break. Depending on how sick she is she may qualify for hospice benefits, which doesn't cost anything if she has insurance, medicare or Medicaid. I work for a hospice company and we have patients that can be on for some time, if they are continuing to decline. Happy to give you our number if you are in the Utah area. Glad you are applying for Medicaid. That will help if you ever had to place her. Make sure you are taking care of yourself, do things that rejuvenate you anytime you can. Let people help you if they are willing. The county aging services should be able to help you with are giver support as well. Hang in there! You are amazing for taking this on and being so responsible. You are a great daughter.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

97YearOldMom, thank you for explaining and sharing your perspective. This post was very helpful in understanding your earlier observations and comments.

We could discuss and debate our respective views, but I think the important issue now is that Beck has moved on to solutions.

I would be curious though how many elders or family members have you cared for, and/or is there someone caring for you now?

Again, thank you for sharing your insights and helping to clarify your position.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Beck
I'm glad you were able to find a family member to help and that your faith has been restored.
I'm not sure what Garden meant by ulterior motives. I did not think you were doing anything but asking for help.
Garden you might look up co-dependence. The comments you made are a pretty good definition of co-dependence. And yes, I have ran a business, that's why I wondered if it was more of a hobby because most businesses are not successful with 20 hours a week. And I did mean what I said about keeping her mother from more qualified care. You suggested more care for her mother yourself. Your comment about me not realizing that Beck also needed care was way off base. I thought Beck needed care most of all. That's why I suggested therapy. When you envy your brother his unexpected death, you aren't in a good place to be taking care of a dependent. And last of all, I'm really sorry that you don't have friends. Care givers need friends and I find that they make good ones. That theory is just pure baloney. Look how quickly you and Irish and Beck have bonded. All you needed was someone to gang up on.
And Irish, I think anyone who can run a successful business with one hand, take care of a handicapped mother for seven years with the other (and have dogs) is intelligent enough to figure out when she can work into her schedule the time for a therapy session...especially knowing that it could make the difference in life and death. If Beck can think clearly, stay healthy and make good decisions, she will be able to take care of herself and her mother. If not, she might run away with the other brother.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

1 2 3 4 5
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions