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I'm new here, I needed to find some kind of outlet because I do feel so alone. I've been taking care of my ma now for over 4 years now. My father passed after a long battle with copd and my ma and sister really were the two that took care of him, my ma 24/7 as well as the family business. My sis, although helped quite a lot, she had not lived with the two basically, barked orders at doc appts ect then went home to call me and my little brother to basically complain we weren't there. Anyway, he passed, and because of family drama, I was booted out and chose to moved out of state. I came back to make sure my father's grave stone was finally taken care of then boom ...went to ma's doc appt and her doc knew but was waiting to inform someone of her illness....my mother has dementia, and if she has some kind of change, whether it's a med change or something such as a uti, she becomes VIOLENT....I've been pushed down stairs, punched, kicked and bit and have had items thrown at me. Shes hit me with boards, pulled down blinds and smacked me with them and has grabbed and squeezed my hands to the point she broke my finger. I've got psoriatic arthritis severely and have no joints left within right hand and it gets rough. Nice been called everything but a human being, told she wishes I die and that she f*** hates me and wished I had never been born!!( Not even close to who she really is or was) I'm with her 24/7 and just recently signed her up for day services but even they have called me to come get her early. Both my siblings have witnessed some of the verbal and physical abuse she has done to me. One time when the cops were called, I ended up in the middle of the road in cuffs because she was freaking out, jumped from the truck and ran screaming I was trying to kill her, but even so, neither have EVER stepped in or asked if they could help. Both say " if ya need anything" and after several times asking, I'm done asking. My brother has taken over the business and has basically took over and away all moms financial EVERYTHING!! He doesn't have power of attorney, never asked me nor my sister about anything. Nothing about what he was or had planned just took my mom to his lawyer and lord only knows. They set up a trust a year after she had been diagnosed with dementia. We had a family meeting before my dad passed and he wanted my brother to buy us out when something happened to my ma, because he stated " his legacy was our inheritance" and he had 3 children not just one. As well as a wife that would need cared for. Now I'm paying for her day services just to get a break 2 times a week for 6 hrs a day and I have just my disability ck to live on.....I seen his email to the lawyer before I moved after my dad passed about how he wanted in the paperwork to state some specific way so that when my mother passed basically, we can't go back on him for anything with regards to the business ect. He made her retire, took all her credit cards banking, everything and tells me I'm to not open any accounts and only get cash for her needs from him or the bank account that he has his name on. It's a very long story but it's starting to come to a head! While he and my sister are off hunting africa, going to Hawaii paying off houses and family trips to Disney Land, I'm either at the hospital with ma or in transition from the hospital to home and getting the tar beat outta me to keep a promise to my father to take care of my ma, just 3 days before he passed! I called on my brother and sister this last time she tried breaking the glass out of the door to leave( cuz when she as a uti, she get violent) and my sis didn't answer and when I finally got hold of my bro, he was to far away working on his 60 acers he just bought planting some feed for hunting season in october....that's when I said forget it......I'm alone and don't know what to do!!! I want to take her on a vacation, while she is still able but not gonna happen due to not enough funds.......it's just sad

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Geeeeeeez! I am so very sorry for your loss. I am incredibly sorry that you are living in this hellish existence!

Whether it is your mom’s fault or not, UTI, or whatever, I couldn’t deal with her violent behavior. Day help isn’t enough in this situation.

Sorry, I can’t remember all of the details in your situation. So, I hope that you won’t mind answering a few questions.

Do you have any POA’s? Medical or otherwise?

How old is your mom? And your age? Are you planning on doing this forever?

You are being ABUSED! GET OUT! Continue to contact the police each time she lashes out at you.

Forget your siblings as far as receiving help from them. They are useless! Please reach out to a social worker and be completely honest with them. Don’t play it down. See how to go about placing your mom. Her care exceeds your physical and mental capabilities.

Wishing you peace as you navigate your way through this and hopefully out of this nightmare! God bless you. I would be in a mental institution if I had been attacked from my mother during my caregiver days. I would have lost my mind!
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"...moved out of state. I came back..."

I am sorry you feel alone. Reaching out to people, even online, is a positive start.

I am a bit confused over what your goals might be though? Is it for more company, more help with Ma? For Ma to not be violent? To take Ma for that holiday?

What's your top priority at the moment?
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Speak to her neurologist, or primary Dr & get a referral to 1. There are meds for dementia patients that can help calm them down without doping them up. Good luck
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Welcome cinn.
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Your Mom needs to be placed in a Psychiatric facility. There they will introduce medications to help with the Violent tendencies. When they find the right cocktail, she will be released. At that time I would send her to a LTC facility. Your brother will need to use what money she has to pay for her care. When that is gone, Medicaid can be applied for. He will have to deal with the repercussions of spending Moms money if that is what he has been doing. Medicaid has a 5 yr look back. There will be penalties. He will either have to pay for her care out of pocket or take care of her until the penalties are met.

Hopefully something will happen and Mom will be sent to the hospital. This will be your chance to say you are no longer caring for her because of the abuse. Maybe your chance to pack up and leave it all to brother to sort out.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jul 2021
I like your honesty, JoAnn. Some people do need a psych examination!
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Your mother’s caregiving needs are far beyond your ability. That’s not on you, no one person can sustain this, and there’s never a reason to accept violence. You don’t deserve that. Your father would never expect you to honor a misguided promise, one made without either of you knowing the terror that was coming. Call 911 when the violence next starts. Say that your mother is a danger to herself and others and you can’t care for anymore. She needs medical and psychological help you can’t provide
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You're probably righfully upset at your siblings, but they did "get out" and left her care to you. You may have to accept, help from them is not coming. They have got what they have wanted and have moved on. Mom is only going to get worse mentally, so you have to decide how much more abuse you're willing to take. (I mean she broke your finger, wouldn't that be enough to look at alternatives).

I think your dad has shown you what you need to do, but you missed the message. Do you think he would be happy to see how you are treated, because you made a promise to him?

Time to pray for mom, place mom, and get on with your life. You've done all you can and it's not working anymore. Good luck.
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