In the process of moving my 94 year old mother who has dementia and no short term memory to a semi private nursing home floor in the same building that she has lived in for many years . She threatens suicide all the time and knows I hate that, as my older brother took his own life .She's been violent towards other tenants and says she's going to make the other lady in her room move out , threatening to defacate everywhere. Poor lady just lost her husband and my mother got his bed . It's so embarrassing for me the way she speaks to everyone and I've asked her to try to be nice to people but she doesn't seem to have it in her . What advice would anyone have for me ?
Her behavior is no reflection on you.
You will need to limit your exposure to her. Only visit her in the mornings because in the afternoons is when demented people start to Sundown and their behaviors worsen.
Having experience with several elders who have had dementia, I personally doubt she doesn't have any memory impairment. It's usually the short-term memory that is lost first. This loss is easily covered up if she isn't properly tested. Not that this seems to matter in her case.
What will help you is to educate yourself about dementia so that you understand you can no longer interact with her as if she's her pre-dementia self. It won't work and it will exhaust and depress you. I learned a lot from Teepa Snow videos on YouTube and learned engagement strategies that helped with more productive and peaceful interactions. You will also learn that dementia robs people of their ability to use reason and logic; they lose the ability to have empathy for others (even close family members); they get disoriented in time and space; their social filters are broken and they become uninhibited; they can never really be happy again because all the mechanisms that would bring this about are literally no longer available to them no matter what. Medication is now the main answer. And boundaries for you.
I'm so sorry you are suffering through this. We on this forum have all lived it as well, and many many others are in the middle of it. I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you go through this journey.
My MIL was not mean or abusive in any way. I think in OP's position I would grey rock this person. If she threatened suicide, tell her, okay, go ahead. Very doubtful she'd be able to carry it out, but perhaps when she saw it didn't have the effect she wanted she would stop. If not, call 911 and have her admitted. I would also see if the facility could change her roommate. The staff should be used to bad behavior from dementia patients and have the skills to deflect it. That poor woman who just lost her husband does not.
I like lealonnie's suggestion of calling 911 if she threatens suicide. You could also do that when she threatens violence, especially if she threatens here roommate. The facility might require you to hire private duty aides to protect others from her threats, so the hospital is a better option as the medical personnel there would be better able to get her under control.
She made her cleaning lady cry. Mother was yelling about her saying nasty things in the living room when the lady could hear her from the floor above.
I had to let her go because my mother did not like her and told me to do it. The poor woman was so upset. I gave her a hug and said consider yourself lucky that you’re not her daughter.
Is your mom medicated for anxiety? That may help. although it is possible that mom may be more of a fall risk if she is medicated.
I would just ignore any comments that she makes. If you make a big deal about it or apologize she may get more verbal.
Her unkind remarks can cut to the core, and there have been times when I feel I can take no more. But, there are ways to deal with her behavior and what works for me is to walk away, go outside, or as mentioned above, leave the house when caregivers are present. Prayer also helps!
Might be a good idea to talk to the staff before calling 911 about suicide threats or even just in general on how they view the situation with your mom & any suggestions they have. A psych evaluation? Not sure how much help that would be. Didn’t help with mom at all. Only made her more angry. Her Dr. looking into medicines is probably a better route.
Also being kind to the staff & her roommate may ease their stress in taking care of & being with her. The staff should already understand her condition, but being kind to them yourself, telling them how she used to be before dementia helps them to see her for who she was & overlook or at least be able to deal a little better with her anger.
It is unfortunate that other innocent people have to suffer her wrath. You can talk with the nursing home admissions director and social worker, if they have one.
Urge them to find a bed for your mother which will be less intrusive for other residents. It is unfair for anyone to be stuck with a nasty roommate and have no say in the matter!
For instance, perhaps she could be paired with someone who does not hear. Or someone equally mean. Or, she may need to pay more for a private room.
I suspect a lot of her behavior is meant for your benefit. Try spending less time with her. Don't be an outlet for her to spew her negativity. If she is really unmanageable for the NH staff, they will attempt to control her behavior with medication. She will be heavily sedated, if need be.
Medication is probably the best next step.
She Needs a consult asap for whatever chemical cocktail erases this behavior so that she can keep living there, or anywhere. Does the facility have a doctor?