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In the process of moving my 94 year old mother who has dementia and no short term memory to a semi private nursing home floor in the same building that she has lived in for many years . She threatens suicide all the time and knows I hate that, as my older brother took his own life .She's been violent towards other tenants and says she's going to make the other lady in her room move out , threatening to defacate everywhere. Poor lady just lost her husband and my mother got his bed . It's so embarrassing for me the way she speaks to everyone and I've asked her to try to be nice to people but she doesn't seem to have it in her . What advice would anyone have for me ?

There’s not a damn thing you can do about her behavior. Your mother will not change and you can’t fix her.

Her behavior is no reflection on you.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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Get her doctor to prescribe calming meds. And the next time she threatens suicide, call 911 and have her sent to the hospital for a psych evaluation. She will never do it again, dementia or no dementia. She'll also be released with meds to address her issues.
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iameli Jan 22, 2026
This is the truth! My MIL, who was very sick with cancer, became depressed and dehydrated. We took her to her doctor. They asked all the usual questions, do you feel like you might take your own life, etc. and she answered affirmatively. She agreed to admission to the mental health unit at the hospital and was there for three weeks. We weren't allowed any contact with her until it was almost time to be released. From what she told my husband, it was hell on Earth being there. She certainly regretted that decision.

My MIL was not mean or abusive in any way. I think in OP's position I would grey rock this person. If she threatened suicide, tell her, okay, go ahead. Very doubtful she'd be able to carry it out, but perhaps when she saw it didn't have the effect she wanted she would stop. If not, call 911 and have her admitted. I would also see if the facility could change her roommate. The staff should be used to bad behavior from dementia patients and have the skills to deflect it. That poor woman who just lost her husband does not.
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Is she on medication for her agitation and aggression, or depression? If not, it's now time to have this conversation with her primary doctor.

You will need to limit your exposure to her. Only visit her in the mornings because in the afternoons is when demented people start to Sundown and their behaviors worsen.

Having experience with several elders who have had dementia, I personally doubt she doesn't have any memory impairment. It's usually the short-term memory that is lost first. This loss is easily covered up if she isn't properly tested. Not that this seems to matter in her case.

What will help you is to educate yourself about dementia so that you understand you can no longer interact with her as if she's her pre-dementia self. It won't work and it will exhaust and depress you. I learned a lot from Teepa Snow videos on YouTube and learned engagement strategies that helped with more productive and peaceful interactions. You will also learn that dementia robs people of their ability to use reason and logic; they lose the ability to have empathy for others (even close family members); they get disoriented in time and space; their social filters are broken and they become uninhibited; they can never really be happy again because all the mechanisms that would bring this about are literally no longer available to them no matter what. Medication is now the main answer. And boundaries for you.

I'm so sorry you are suffering through this. We on this forum have all lived it as well, and many many others are in the middle of it. I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you go through this journey.
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Ltracy Jan 22, 2026
They said she has no short term memory anymore.
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MEDICATION! I cannot stress this enough and I'm not lying, she needs a mental evaluation and possibly a private room for her and a lot of Prozac.
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Reply to Freyasmom24
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Your mother has dementia for Pete's sake so there is nothing you can say to her to get her to stop. Her brain is permanently broken, so quit trying to get her to be someone she isn't or can't be. You can however ask her doctor to prescribe some kind of medication to help with her agitation, and then it may be best for you to only visit her once a week so as not to have to deal with her rude behavior. Let the facility handle it and her.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Don’t visit for about 2 weeks and let the facility handle it.
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Beethoven13 Jan 22, 2026
Talk about the weather and pets and her new room and help her organize her closet and go for a walk outside at the facility and enjoy the sunshine. If she makes negative comments about others, say, mom, I don’t like that. It’s not nice and hurts people. I have to go now. Go. Over and over again. Don’t expect depth or meaningful conversations. People like your mother and mine are not capable. They have no genuine empathy. Maybe fake some because they have learned what is normal. They don’t feel empathy. They fake it to get what they want. You can not change her and she probably doesn’t want to change. Use your behavior to set limits with her. Leave when she says something ugly. She may learn to modify her behavior to get what she wants, your attention. She probably has no real remorse or insight.
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Due to her behavior, my mom has been through a lot of roommates in two years. Thankfully her current one is pretty much mute and can only walk with assistance (not even with a walker). Mom is very happy with her so far. The director said she had never seen anyone like my mom before, and she has been director there for many years. You simply cannot fix this with words. Medication is probably your best bet. My mom has a therapist and I try to remind her to be kind, but the meds are what made the biggest difference. She still seethes with hatred, but she is not lashing out as she was two years ago. I will say my mom has always been rude whenever the mood struck her, so it was our normal already. Thankfully many of the other patients are unable to understand mom's words and have no idea how rude she is being or if they do, can't remember if after a few minutes.
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Reply to JustAnon
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Ask the drs about meds as many others have said. Then, if she says mean things to people, you can lean over and say I'm so sorry, she has dementia, that's why she's saying those things. Some people have cards they pass out to people around them. And if this was how she was before the dementia, people don't need to know that. You aren't responsible for her behavior. I'm sure it's mortifying at the time but start to remind yourself she is not well, and that you can't change that.
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Reply to SamTheManager
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First you mom has dementia so she really has no filters that stop her from saying the things she says. There is no reason you need to be embarrassed.

Is your mom medicated for anxiety? That may help. although it is possible that mom may be more of a fall risk if she is medicated.

I would just ignore any comments that she makes. If you make a big deal about it or apologize she may get more verbal.
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MonicaG54 Jan 22, 2026
I love this comment. My Dad with dementia called me a whore today because I have 7 kids, 2 from remarriage and 1 I took custody of. Am I alone in just laughing it off? If the other lady doesn't like it let her complain or ask to move to another room. I'd say 2 people with dementia in a room would be hilarious. My Dad was an upright preacher and seeing this side of him cracks me up. It occasionally embarrasses me when he points out mixed children and is an a** but I apologize and say different generation and laugh. I've never had any problems. Maybe my aneurysm made me have a more open outlook on life but I'll enjoy every confused obnoxious moment with my Dad that I can get 😁
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Please let the supervisor know your mother plans on bullying the poor lady. That's heartbreaking for her and unfair. She deserves to be protected.
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