My dad died in May 2013 and my heart hurts when I think of him everyday. I cared for him in my home except the last 6 months when he was in a nursing home.
Four months isn't a very long time. At almost a year and a half tears still spring to my eyes when I think about my dad.
It takes as long as it takes. And there's no destination. There's no place such as "When I'm Finally Over Losing My Mom" that you're trying to get to because you'll never get there. You have to live with the loss one day at a time.
I think any kind of grief is normal. When it becomes problematic is when it begins to affect our daily lives after a reasonable period of time. What's reasonable? I don't know. Are you able to get up in the morning, go about your day? Do you work? Do you socialize? Are you living with the grief or have you stopped living since the grief? That's when there's a problem, in my opinion.
I think, when you've been primary care-giver for a loved one, especially when they've lived in your home, when they pass? You've lost your life. For whatever time she was with you (or down the street), she became the center of your universe. Now, after she's gone, you have to pick up where you left off and live your life without her. That can be very difficult to do.
I lost mom two weeks ago after caring for her in my home for over a year. As soon as I got home from burying mom 500 miles away as she wished, last Friday, I broke down her room and donated everything except photographs, her trinket jewelry and some little hair bows she used to wear.
Yesterday, I had her bedroom recarpeted (along with my other two), and am in process of making her room into a cozy den with a big flat-screen TV on the wall. Although it'd been "her room" for the 14 years I've lived here, t'll never be that again.
I intend to honor her memory by being happy. And by generously using the money she left me to make others' lives better. And my own. I started with her brother and wife, giving them a large gift to help them move closer to their children.
How are you going to honor your mom? How will you live the rest of your life now that she's gone? Are you going to get stuck in the grieving process? Do you think that's what your mom would've wanted? I sure know it isn't what my mom wants. I'll cry in private. A pleasant smell, certain foods, a sun-shiny day, the change of seasons -- will all remind me of the love I have for her, and always will. I'll put away the bad memories as quickly as I can, and go on -- knowing that we'll meet again.
I sincerely hope you can do the same. Keep busy and "act as if". It worked when I lost my husband. And it's working now . . .
It's completely normal. My mother passed in March, so I've had a bit longer than you to deal with it. When you act as a caregiver for someone, they do in effect become your child. Non-caregivers who are parents seem to find it difficult to understand, but that is how I feel and how so many caregivers have felt. Good luck. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I understand your loss. I was my mom's caregiver. She is still alive and my siblings have kept her from me after her fall and brain surgery. It is obvious that I will never see her again. I fell the loss and she is not even dead now. So, I feel your pain. The only thing I can think of is support and time. Best wishes.
I lost my mother less than a month ago and she was just buried last week. I think what you are feeling is normal, but who's to say what "normal" really is. For some it is being lost without them while for others it is a sigh of relief and thankfulness that God has heard your prayers.
My mother was basically killed in the nursing home she had resided in for just two weeks, therefore my sisters and I are dealing with guilt, wanting answers and grieving all at the same time.
I took care of Mom for 8 years and had to stop in April because I began having panic and anxiety attacks and was hospitalized overnight and told that if I returned to caring for Mom, I would be dead from a heart attack or would have a stroke....it had all become too much to handle alone.
My sister hired an in home caregiver for a while and then found that we needed to place her into a skilled nursing facility. I was placed on Zoloft to control the panic and anxiety and now along with everything that has happened my sister is looking at me and saying "I do not know who you are anymore!" WHY? Because the Zoloft is working so well, you no longer feel up and down emotions, I never even cried when Mom died.
Don't get me wrong, I am heartbroken that she is gone and especially the way she died, she was my best friend. I am at a loss as to myself the absence of tears and emotion frightens me a bit as I am wondering if these emotions are going to hit me in the future.
Now that she is buried, I am preparing for "WAR" because someone killed my mother, she died of blunt force trauma to the head, hematoma's on forehead and back of head, 3 brain hemorrhages, broken ribs bruise of right shoulder and elbow. Her male nurse says he doesn't know how "she fell" but thinks maybe "she rolled out of bed while sleeping." The bed is 15-18 inches off the ground these injuries were not sustained that way. They waited for 16 hours before they took her to the hospital for care, it was too late!
So now I go from feeling no emotion and shedding no tears, to mentally planning on beating every bush until I find out who did this to my Mom and seek justice for her.
It is a horrible feeling to see and know that some has injured your little old Mom and she has died from it and hospice sends her body to the mortuary and the coroner takes a look and determines her cause of death, and you bury her and that's it, everything is OVER..... no one cares that your mother was killed by someone, because they were old, they had dementia and they were expendable. If she were home and this happened to her, we would most likely wind up in jail for abuse, but that is not what has happened here. So now I am preparing for WAR, I will not let my mother's life end this way!
I'm so sorry for your loss. I have been care giving for my mother for 4 years and as AKAlicious says she is like my child- the roles completely reversed. I think about my mum passing almost every day, it is like I'm trying to prepare myself because I really don't know how I will cope when she does die (and she isn't even in hospice). The anxiety around it keeps me awake some nights. You must feel so proud and content that you cared for your mum though? I will never regret the sacrifices i have and continue to make to care for mine. Sending you lots of light.
Your mom is at peace now. She would want you at peace too.
What your feeling is the normal grieving process. It will get less intense in time. I know when I lost my 2 daughter's-I got real upset hearing "I'm so sorry." Needless to say I will only tell you to feel & keep feeling to get through it. God's speed.
I lost my Mom last Feb. to a disease that completely shred her of any dignity ( a woman who was always fastidious about her appearance and privacy). The stress of seeing her go through that and her eventual death has me feeling still so lost. It will lessen with time I know, and it will with you too. I try to remember her as the loving and amazing Mother she was and that does make me smile. I miss her every day.
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom over a year ago and still miss her keenly. I try to remember that she is alive in my heart, and I talk to her, ask her advice, laugh with her, and talk about her with family and friends who knew and loved her. These are small comforts that keep me going; maybe they will be some comfort for you as well.
I know that it hurts, but you should cherish that you miss her so much, that you had that close time with her for the last years of her life. My mom and I lived states apart most our lives and we never did form that bond that you had with your mom. When she died of Cancer in 2008 I mourned for her, but not as you and others in here have. I regret that we never had the closeness that causes one to experience that kind of grief so I say embrace the pain for what it is, a living reminder of the close bond you had with your mom in the end and take heart in knowing that time will lessen the intensity of your pain while retaining many of the precious memories.
I'm sorry about the death of your mom.
My dad died in May 2013 and my heart hurts when I think of him everyday. I cared for him in my home except the last 6 months when he was in a nursing home.
Four months isn't a very long time. At almost a year and a half tears still spring to my eyes when I think about my dad.
It takes as long as it takes. And there's no destination. There's no place such as "When I'm Finally Over Losing My Mom" that you're trying to get to because you'll never get there. You have to live with the loss one day at a time.
I think any kind of grief is normal. When it becomes problematic is when it begins to affect our daily lives after a reasonable period of time. What's reasonable? I don't know. Are you able to get up in the morning, go about your day? Do you work? Do you socialize? Are you living with the grief or have you stopped living since the grief? That's when there's a problem, in my opinion.
I lost mom two weeks ago after caring for her in my home for over a year. As soon as I got home from burying mom 500 miles away as she wished, last Friday, I broke down her room and donated everything except photographs, her trinket jewelry and some little hair bows she used to wear.
Yesterday, I had her bedroom recarpeted (along with my other two), and am in process of making her room into a cozy den with a big flat-screen TV on the wall. Although it'd been "her room" for the 14 years I've lived here, t'll never be that again.
I intend to honor her memory by being happy. And by generously using the money she left me to make others' lives better. And my own. I started with her brother and wife, giving them a large gift to help them move closer to their children.
How are you going to honor your mom? How will you live the rest of your life now that she's gone? Are you going to get stuck in the grieving process? Do you think that's what your mom would've wanted? I sure know it isn't what my mom wants. I'll cry in private. A pleasant smell, certain foods, a sun-shiny day, the change of seasons -- will all remind me of the love I have for her, and always will. I'll put away the bad memories as quickly as I can, and go on -- knowing that we'll meet again.
I sincerely hope you can do the same. Keep busy and "act as if". It worked when I lost my husband. And it's working now . . .
My mother was basically killed in the nursing home she had resided in for just two weeks, therefore my sisters and I are dealing with guilt, wanting answers and grieving all at the same time.
I took care of Mom for 8 years and had to stop in April because I began having panic and anxiety attacks and was hospitalized overnight and told that if I returned to caring for Mom, I would be dead from a heart attack or would have a stroke....it had all become too much to handle alone.
My sister hired an in home caregiver for a while and then found that we needed to place her into a skilled nursing facility. I was placed on Zoloft to control the panic and anxiety and now along with everything that has happened my sister is looking at me and saying "I do not know who you are anymore!" WHY? Because the Zoloft is working so well, you no longer feel up and down emotions, I never even cried when Mom died.
Don't get me wrong, I am heartbroken that she is gone and especially the way she died, she was my best friend. I am at a loss as to myself the absence of tears and emotion frightens me a bit as I am wondering if these emotions are going to hit me in the future.
Now that she is buried, I am preparing for "WAR" because someone killed my mother, she died of blunt force trauma to the head, hematoma's on forehead and back of head, 3 brain hemorrhages, broken ribs bruise of right shoulder and elbow. Her male nurse says he doesn't know how "she fell" but thinks maybe "she rolled out of bed while sleeping." The bed is 15-18 inches off the ground these injuries were not sustained that way. They waited for 16 hours before they took her to the hospital for care, it was too late!
So now I go from feeling no emotion and shedding no tears, to mentally planning on beating every bush until I find out who did this to my Mom and seek justice for her.
It is a horrible feeling to see and know that some has injured your little old Mom and she has died from it and hospice sends her body to the mortuary and the coroner takes a look and determines her cause of death, and you bury her and that's it, everything is OVER..... no one cares that your mother was killed by someone, because they were old, they had dementia and they were expendable. If she were home and this happened to her, we would most likely wind up in jail for abuse, but that is not what has happened here. So now I am preparing for WAR, I will not let my mother's life end this way!
I think about my mum passing almost every day, it is like I'm trying to prepare myself because I really don't know how I will cope when she does die (and she isn't even in hospice).
The anxiety around it keeps me awake some nights.
You must feel so proud and content that you cared for your mum though?
I will never regret the sacrifices i have and continue to make to care for mine.
Sending you lots of light.
What your feeling is the normal grieving process. It will get less intense in time.
I know when I lost my 2 daughter's-I got real upset hearing "I'm so sorry." Needless to say I will only tell you to feel & keep feeling to get through it.
God's speed.
I miss her every day.
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