My dad is 88 and showing a decline in his daily activity. My Mom is 85 and has Alzheimer's. Dad does not let me care for her or help around the house. Everything I do he stops.
I would suggest that you find a counsellor or someone else who is sensible and competent, to talk about your own feelings and expectations in this. You say “I feel like I am dying with my parents. They give me no control over their lives”. Both these statements don’t sound good. You need to sort out yourself before you can help your parents appropriately.
As long as your Dad can make his own decisions, your POA means nothing. Have you talked this over with your brothers? Maybe one of them can talk to Dad. Maybe you need to get his or her doctor to sit him down and say Mom needs more care than he is capable of giving.
You know parents don't like their kids telling them what to do. I have a SIL that thinks her way is best and just takes over. Sometimes that is good, sometimes not. Can you approach Dad with you are just trying to help to make it easier for him to care for Mom.
The only thing you can do is ask APS to do a well visit explaining ur situation. Maybe they can tell Dad he needs help and he will listen to them.
I feel your pain and helplessness. It's like watching a train reck that you can not stop.
As TNtechie pointed out the more you push the more your father will resist. That is what happened with my mother all I wanted to do was to help her; take some of the financial burden off her, but she wasn't haven't it. So, I backed off; I let her know that I was there if she needed me. Well, the day came when she finally came to me wanting help, unfortunately, the damage is done! Now it's clean up time. But I try to tell myself that God is in control, and if He allowed it than there is a reason for it.
Sometimes we just have to take a step back and let that person figure things out for themselves. Just let your father know that you are there for him, and take a step back.
My Bishop once said, " do what you can, and God will take care of the rest", I try to live by these words.
I don't know the answer, but I do feel you should dedicate a good part of each week to yourself. Getting out, having a social life, etc. Possibly, spend less time at home and let your father take more responsibility. At that point you will get a good feel at how much needs to be done and possibly your father will ask you to take on more responsibility. Balance is key, both for your life and theirs.
So your father is still competent and your DPOA is only useful when taking actions as your father directs? I am concerned by your use of the word "control". Why should you have "control" of their lives at this point? Why isn't being supportive of their decisions not enough?
I know it's difficult to watch our parents struggle when we believe conditions could be so much better "if only they would do it my way". I know the anxiety of waiting for something to go wrong. Your way may even be the better way. But your father is your mother's primary caregiver. You need to offer help, ask him to consider other options and accept his decisions. Please do not become a source of conflict and another stressor for him.
My competent mother was the primary caregiver of my father with vascular dementia for two decades. Years after I thought we needed to legally challenge Dad's competency and get some in home care support, she continued to protect her husband from that indignity. I thought that was a mistake, but it was her decision so long as she was competent and her life and safety were not threatened. When it got to the point that both her and Dad's safety were being endangered, I told her I would be challenging my father's competence so I could move him into MC with or without her support and she decided to support me. Even then I consulted with Mom and one brother about my actions. I do my best to give my father (1) what he needs and (2) as much of what he wants (or would have wanted in his right mind) as I can manage after his needs are addressed.
I do the best I can with the knowledge and resources I have and then I turn the rest over to God. Because I do not and can not control the universe or this awful disease called dementia.
It may be that the more you push for "control" the more your father will resist. Taking the supportive of your decisions approach may actually result in greater influence.
Does your father have any support with looking after your mother? How long has she been ill?
You know parents don't like their kids telling them what to do. I have a SIL that thinks her way is best and just takes over. Sometimes that is good, sometimes not. Can you approach Dad with you are just trying to help to make it easier for him to care for Mom.
The only thing you can do is ask APS to do a well visit explaining ur situation. Maybe they can tell Dad he needs help and he will listen to them.
As TNtechie pointed out the more you push the more your father will resist. That is what happened with my mother all I wanted to do was to help her; take some of the financial burden off her, but she wasn't haven't it. So, I backed off; I let her know that I was there if she needed me. Well, the day came when she finally came to me wanting help, unfortunately, the damage is done! Now it's clean up time. But I try to tell myself that God is in control, and if He allowed it than there is a reason for it.
Sometimes we just have to take a step back and let that person figure things out for themselves. Just let your father know that you are there for him, and take a step back.
My Bishop once said, " do what you can, and God will take care of the rest", I try to live by these words.
God bless you.
I know it's difficult to watch our parents struggle when we believe conditions could be so much better "if only they would do it my way". I know the anxiety of waiting for something to go wrong. Your way may even be the better way. But your father is your mother's primary caregiver. You need to offer help, ask him to consider other options and accept his decisions. Please do not become a source of conflict and another stressor for him.
My competent mother was the primary caregiver of my father with vascular dementia for two decades. Years after I thought we needed to legally challenge Dad's competency and get some in home care support, she continued to protect her husband from that indignity. I thought that was a mistake, but it was her decision so long as she was competent and her life and safety were not threatened. When it got to the point that both her and Dad's safety were being endangered, I told her I would be challenging my father's competence so I could move him into MC with or without her support and she decided to support me. Even then I consulted with Mom and one brother about my actions. I do my best to give my father (1) what he needs and (2) as much of what he wants (or would have wanted in his right mind) as I can manage after his needs are addressed.
I do the best I can with the knowledge and resources I have and then I turn the rest over to God. Because I do not and can not control the universe or this awful disease called dementia.
It may be that the more you push for "control" the more your father will resist. Taking the supportive of your decisions approach may actually result in greater influence.