I feel like a terrible daughter and person. I’m having a problem feeling warmth and affection towards my mother. Have any of you felt this?

I felt the same way about my mom, I lived in HER home for 10 years taking care of her and her husband. Her husband was abusive to me as a child, yet it seemed as if it was my responsibility to help my mom with him as he had dementia. He passed in 2012. She had congestive heart failure among many other health issues. I lost her to cardiac arrest last April, but before that she had become so mean, she would say a lot of hurtful things to me. I work full time, and would take time off to take her to appointments. I felt shame on a daily basis because I didn't feel very warm and close to her either. April 9, 2018 I took her to a couple of doc appointments, she told me several times she loved me, then the next morning I left for work. She called a few minutes after I left to tell me it was thundering and asked if I could hear how loud it was. I told her no as I was at least 10 miles away. We chatted a little, she said she would see me that night and we said we loved each other. My husband called about an hour and a half later, she had collapsed and was gone. I have SO much regret and shame for anything bad I said to her or for getting angry. But, care giving is SO very hard!! I am sure she was probably scared, angry at losing her ability to do things herself and hating that I had to do so much for her. I hope she forgave me :(

I don't think you are cold hearted, it takes a lot of a person to care for a family member! I am sending hugs! I too constantly felt numb and just wanted to be left alone.

Cold hearted one here too. (raises hand). My mom just went into a nursing home on Friday after a TIA. Before that she had been living in the apartment of my 2 family home. When she was home, I resented her (a lot) and wondered wth was wrong with me. I was guilt ridden. Now that she is in a facility, I am perhaps more guilt ridden but I feel much more loving towards her. So my choices are to take her home and resent her (a lot) or leave her in the nursing home and cry every day like I am right now. Good times.

On Friday I read the thread and cried. Today, I am a better person for having read and reread each of these answers. I couldn’t figure out where the love, friendship, trust and laughter shared with my mother for 65 years went. My 88 yo mother is steadily unraveling, the edges of her personality all burned up and the person that was my mommy is now gone. I have no siblings (deceased) or father (deceased) so it is me alone feeling my life crumble as hers disintegrates. All that matters is getting through another day and try not to feel completely beaten at the end of each one. The hardest part is knowing that my cries to my pillow of “This has to end,” are going to be answered by death. My mother has now started to voice the delusion that if I take care of her I will hit her. There has, to my knowledge, never been a hand raised in anger in my family - ever. She speaks of the commonality of elder abuse and how afraid she is of me. Where, where did this come from? I feel gutted by these accusations. I do not live with her and she is in a very comfortable IL environment with progressive care options ahead, lots of friends, activities and even neighborhood driving, manages most of her needs and accounts herself. I nursed my father through home hospice to his death, helped my cancer-ridden sister leave this life, battled my own cancer and would willingly care so for my mother but these accusations left me alarmingly empty, numb and paralyzed. They were first voiced a year or so ago and are now escalating. She sends emails to me explaining her fear. She has shared these fears about me with her doctor and her pastor, both of whom I have been forbidden to have any communication. What more can I say? Nothing, except to wish each and everyone of you deeply challenged and strong folk even greater strength, courage and some love to fill in the gaps we are all stepping around just to get through.

No, you are not the only one!

I am the local child, and am the one who's been here for my mother. Until very recently (17 days hospitalization, she's in her 2nd rehab facility now which may become her long term care home), I was told by my mother that I didn't do anything (I was the Dummy Daughter Driver -- she lived independently in a condo), and that my time wasn't worth anything.

But now I'm on a short leash for the rehab and my mother. The rehab place has had two people tell me I should be there to help my mother transition -- the doctor said 2 - 3 hours/day. (Well, he said it didn't have to be ME, but of course it means me!)

Yesterday my husband and I went for a visit. Right away I was told what she needs. I got annoyed. "All I do is bring this or that, and the first thing you say to me is your latest need!" Then the crying starts. She's finally acknowledged how much I've been doing. I couldn't resist saying, "Yes, I AM the one who's been doing it all, even though you've told me I don't do anything." The unappreciation is what has caused me to really not like being around my mother. We had a so-so relationship before, but in the past two years it's deteriorated.

It's a chore to go to the rehab/nursing home. Very depressing.

At least I'll be getting compensated now by my brothers, including for the past two years when I was forced into being the Dummy Daughter Driver! My mother can never find out, though, because, "You don't pay family!"

No you are not alone. I was never extremely close to my mother and now that she is bed bound and in early stages of dementia I mostly feel nothing. I do what I have to do for her (luckily she has professional care) but I have no empathy. She gets distressed I feel irritated. So no you are not alone and I bet there are others out there too.

I have to say. This forum has helped. Just seeing so many of you have had the same feelings I’ve been having has at least made me feel better about myself. Many of you also have good advice. After I posted my question I spent two days crying at the littlest things that came up. Then I would cry when I went to bed. Which at least I had the privacy to do.
(about a year ago I was on here asking for help because my mother started sleeping with me and I had absolutely no alone time! You all helped me get past that).
All that crying seemed to have helped. (I rarely cry) I woke up today feeling so much better. I was able to have a fresh outlook and felt much better about my mom today. We have had a good day. I can accept my feelings a little more now because I know i’m not alone feeling that way. A lot of my stress comes from hating myself for those feelings. I spend so much of my time trying to make my mother happy. I get hopeful expectations and when it fails I feel defeated. She can’t help how she feels either, she has no control over her life anymore. That’s why she argues and disagrees so much.
I agree with many of you, I think I am depressed and exhausted and burnt out. My sister is too, but she’s less willing to look at assisted living, plus she has a husband to help her. Her attitude has always been “We’ll just do it even if it kills us! Mom doesn’t go into a home!” But, she’s unwilling to go look at how nice many of those places are. My mother has said she gets so tired of moving back and forth and also complains that nothing is “hers” anymore. I think assisted living would give her a place of her own, other people to talk to and she wouldn’t have to be uprooted all the time. Plus I think our time with her would be better.
I think she might actually have an opportunity to be happier
in that environment without my sister and I always being on her for something. Without her having to feel the stress and frustration we feel with her. I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do or not, but I think it’s at least time to consider it.
Thanks to all of you. You’ve given me a little more clarity.

very normal- you are burned out and sucked dry. A parent has children who grow up and are more independent but a care giver does the same care for years and even more care as the one they love declines. Are there support groups or even others to call and talk to so that you can feel cared about also?
Know that her anger and uncooperativeness is her age and not directed at your self esteem. Maybe keep a journal of your feelings.
It is hard. You are an angel to care for her as you do.

My mom started exhibiting personality changes YEARS before the other insidious issues surfaced.

For a long, long time, I simply thought a weird woman was just getting weirder. Not exactly endearing. But I’m a big girl and (for many valid reasons) I always had a poor opinion of my elders’ coping skills.

By the time Mom’s neuro deterioration branched into physical limitations, I had to do one helluva mental hopscotch.

All the while, my “my way or the highway” mother would not pursue medical care. NO DOCTORS, she’d scream. Belligerently refused to get a diagnosis. Belligerently refused to entertain possible treatments.

This is a woman who had top-notch health insurance and a very generous long-term care policy.

Mom could barely function in her own home, but would not entertain the option of in-home care or any other (read: safer) living arrangement.

The kicker: Back when Mom had all her buttons, she preached “listen to your doctor” and “take care of yourself” and “it’s so important to have your paperwork in order” to everyone else.

Also - for as long as I could remember - Mom was supportive and encouraging when someone moved an elder to Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing Care. “You’re just one person. Of course you can’t meet all of his/her needs.” “Don’t feel guilty. You’re doing the right thing.” “When my time comes, I’ll gladly go.”

Sigh. That all went out the window during Mom’s time of need.

I sympathized with Mom.

I understood her, to a certain extent.

At the the same time, it all became a colossal joke.

I could not remember what it was like to have an actual conversation with my mother - or the last time we had one.

To me, Mom increasingly became more of a project, and less of a person. I was demoralized.

It was an end that I never imagined.

Not the only one. I have a lot of resentment. Been working on it with a therapist, but honestly my mom is very lazy. Has been for all my life but when I was younger she controlled the narrative. So you're not alone. I don't have any wise words expect try to find a way to take some time for yourself (get a friend to watch her for a few hours or hire a sitter). Best of luck.

I have sooooooo been where you are. I was the 24/7 caregiver for my older husband (84, I am 74). He just passed away and I am riddled with guilt over the frustration and anger and the way I pulled away from him for this last year as he fell deeper every day into the dark hole of frontal/temporal lobe dementia complete with violent sundowning every night. This resulted in my total exhaustion, both mental and physical, as he needed more and more care and there was no money to place him until I finally refused to take him home from the hospital and they helped me find a bed in a nearby skilled nursing facility where he was able to have attempted rehab for the days covered by Medicare. I then arranged for hospice care at home, as he qualified for their program. I was fearful of bringing him back home because I knew that there would still be gaps in care and though there were promises of help by his family, I was doubtful that this would materialize. I knew that his intimates care needs were things that none of them were ready to handle. Just the lengths I had to go to to keep our apartment clean and sanitary, keep up with the daily wash and so much more, were daunting. However, my husband was home only 24 hours before he passed away. This issue was that the signals from his brain to the muscles required for chewing and swallowing began to fail a few months before and though he was on all puree'd foods and thickened liquids, he eventually refused food. It was a sad sad thing to watch. And my guilt increased. What I am taking so long to say is that I truly, rationally know that I cared for him as best I could with little outside help. I was in a support group and had accessed a wonderful non-profit resource and used every option offered, I was so often angry, it seemed, at him, but now I realize that my anger was not really at him but at the horrible, seemingly interminable illness that had taken my loving and gentle partner from me a day at a time. I know that I have a tremendous amount of work to do to rid myself of the guilt and the deep sadness I am now experiencing. I will miss him always and I try to focus now on who he was, and not on what that insidious condition did to him. I hope that you will be kind to yourself.

I notice you say you feel numb to everything around you. May I suggest you may be suffering from depression. Please see a doctor to discuss this. The stress of caregiving can bring this on. You may want to see a counselor to discuss the situation. It's good to be able to talk to someone who is neutral. The counselor may be able to help you with changing your preception. You are right that a lot of how we experience things depends on what we tell ourselves about it. Look at your health insurance to see if you can get them to pay. Your situation is very hard. Anyone would be having these problems. Regarding your feelings. People don't have a lot of control over their feelings. I have always thought that it is what you DO that is important. If you were taking care of me, I would be concerned about what you do. Your feelings are your own. What does your sister say about this situation? She may be having the same problems. The two of you may need to discuss moving your mom to a facility.

No, you are not. I struggled until recently with my emotions for my mom whom I care for part time. (2wks on/2wks off) I have always been close to my mom. She was my hero. I wasn't ready for all of the negative feelings caring for her has brought me. I had unrealistic expectations about how this process would be. I dreamed of intimate conversations about life and dying. I had questions I thought needed answers. Not happening. My mom is not the person I thought she was but it is my perspective that needs changing. I have had to look inside to my motivations and expectations in all this. If I absolutely hated caring for my mom and couldn't accept who she is now(and me,too.), I would quit. I look at her and try to have empathy. I have to use my set of spiritual tools to grow. I hope you find your answers.

This site is so helpful. I love reading that people are feeling the same feelings that I feel and it reaffirms that I'm not crazy and insensitive. I can't hug my mother or tell her I love her but I love her very much. She has never been a person to tell me she loves me but I sit and listen to her talk to her friend on the phone and her siblings and she always ends with we love you! I k ow she loves me but she takes advantage of me where she doesn't my brother and sister. She always says she doesn't want to bother my brother and sister who live closest to her and I am the one who has taken her to my .Florida home for the winter and spent 24/7 with her for 4 1/2 months and my husband an I do the heavy work at her home. Yet she has no problem asking me to do everything. I have spent months away from husband to be with her and my siblings don't sacrifice anything. I know exactly the feelings that the writer above is feeling. I feel very quilty feeling this way also but I know I'm not alone feeling this way. When I get short with mom and scold her I tell myself our roles have reversed, she used to get short and scold me in my younger years, mom has a lot of childlike issues now. Please keep sharing on here!

l Looked after my mum and Stepfather for 8 Years while they were at home. I arranged all the help to come in and they had a great Casemanager. I didn’t live with them but l did all the organising phone calls appointments etc, Everytime l was away with my own family l would get phone calls to say my Stepfather was in Hospital again and my hoilday would be spoilt again. Last year he passed away and l was the one that had to organise everything. I was picking up my mum twice a week to come and stay with me then she started to deteriorate with dementia, it got really bad and at that time my health started to deteriorate l was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. My brothers didn’t care how l felt and we tryed to look after my mum but it got really difficult, She has been in a nursing home now for a month and l still feel a little guilty like she still had a hold on me. When you don’t have bond with your parents that’s what makes you bitter and angry and tired. As a child my mum was abusive, and she never protected me, but l was always there for her like l am still there for her even though she is in a nursing home. It’s really hard to know how you feel when your mum was cold as you were growing up but now she is blank with Dementia. I look forward reading it’s forum every night, it helps me cope with the way I’m feeling when l reading about everyone’s experiences and what awful things they are going threw. Thank you everyone for your help, and may you all find the strength to make the right decision like l did.

I assure you that you are not the only one.

No you are not the only one with those feelings. I feel the same as you. I am so frustrated I don’t know what to do. I am angry anytime she ask a question because I know she is going to ask the same question again and again. She doesn’t remember and I know I should be easier with her but I don’t have anytime to myself, can’t carry on a conversation with my husband that she doesn’t want to know what we are talking about. I am not cut out to be a caregiver and I can’t help it. I have been in therapy for almost a year and I still have not made any headway on being a living daughter. I make sure she eats, has her meds, has clean clothes to wear, a room of her own with tv. I just can’t carry on conversation I lose her half way through and then she say, “what did you say” and it starts all over again.

No. We're in a lousy no-win position. The only thing we can control is how we react/respond and it doesn't help me at least to know that. I don't know which is better...no respite...or having some and then being bitter and angry wanting more. Clearly it must be a challenge to adjust to your caregiver role every time she comes back from your sisters. And then your life must change gears all over again. What's hard for me is having people in my life who have lost their parents and envy my hassles and challenges. But I am the only one to deal with it. Day to day it's all on me, and I am tired. Tired of thinking for 3. If you can I would see what resources are in your area to help with her.

I have a 95 year old Mom ; she is still in good shape but she can be so trying ; Some days I have to walk away ; I just get so upset. I have anxiety and depression and I am the only child. I never get any peace or quiet time and I don't have a car which really makes things tough ! If she fusses I just say OK Mom and I walk away for a while . And my Mom wont use a walker either . I cant lift her ; I am pushing 70 ; Ijust tell her if she falls she goes to the Hospital and then I will let the Doctor make a decision ! I love my Mom but I am just a person . Tell her the whys and the wherefores ! I did ; It was making me ill !

I feel the same way, just numb. I am going to start going to a support group for care givers next week. I have to learn how to react to her actions. I haven’t learned how to just let it roll off of me, as everyone tells me to. I feel like I am just going thru the motions with my 93 year old mother with dementia. She was never a warm fuzzy person before and it is amplified now along with all the harsh things she says.

No you are not cold hearted. I have a 90 yr old mom and I do not live with her but I have totally empathy with you. Your mom seems to be in a much deeper area of dementia than my mom and my mother drives me crazy just the same. My mom has never been a warm huggy person and is even colder now. I get blamed for loving her too much, not loving her enough, doing too much for her, not doing enough, etc etc. I think the reason many of us become a little “cold hearted” is we are putting up a guard so we can help and not be as hurt by them. I am an only child which makes my obligation to her much bigger but I am lucky that my husband is sharing this burden with me. Also I think as our parents get to be more of a challenge, we are getting older and don’t have as much energy and patience either. Thank you for sharing your story. It makes us feel less alone.

Oh you do not have a cold heart! You have battle fatigue! This is not the same mother you had before she got dementia. This is a second mother who is a stranger for the most part, and has endless demands and needs. You have submerged your own life, in order to care for hers. No wonder you feel resentment and a numbness. I would suggest reaching out to relatives, friends or house of worship or find a caregivers support group. You need time off to feel in touch with yourself again. Try to let the small things go, or try to find humor in the situation but also be kind to yourself and realize that you are under tremendous stress. You definitely need more YOU TIME and when you have it...you can relax more with your mother. Find old photos to laugh about and talk about,...watch an old movie together. These things may help you feel more like you are getting quality mother/daughter time with her rather than just being her nurse. Good luck

No, you aren't a terrible daughter! I've been taking care of my mother, in our home for almost 2 months and I'm about to go crazy! My husband and I cannot go anywhere together and I only get out of the house once a week, if that! I've looked after mom for over 6 years now but she has only reside in our home approx. 2 months). Mom is a double (leg) amputee and I cannot lift her so my husband does that and I change her diapers, dress her, etc. She is ill with a bad cough, vomits mucus and of course I am the one taking care of her, however she doesn't seem to appreciate it! She says I'm slow and don't know what I'm doing!! She has dementia and forgets my name or who I am. I think she believes I work in the assisted home where she used to live. She told my brother, who is a missionary; (on his fourth mission in the Netherlands, helping those people instead of his mother or sister; "me") that I refused to put her on oxygen! I was the one who put her on oxygen three days ago!!! She's still on it!! Thank God hospice comes in twice a week or when I need them, to check her and give me advice.
I give you kudos for hanging in there as long as you have. You are a great daughter!!! You are winning your wings to Heaven my dear!
All the best and a very Merry Christmas to you!
Cookie

It is not mandatory that we have "warm, fuzzy" feelings towards our parents. Just because they are blood relatives, does not mean that we are connected emotionally at the hip to them. (In fact, some adult children and their elderly parents barely speak to each other.)

It's all the more difficult for us when that parent has become difficult to deal with.

Sometimes, you just need to "do what needs to be done" and not worry about how you feel about it. Been there, done that.

I am new to this forum and I am happy to read all of the answers here. I took care of my dad who has dementia, for five years, I just had a one year break, he now lives with my brother. As of three weeks ago I brought my mom who as dementia to live with me. As a caregiver for my parents I learned that this is the hardest job I will ever have. I also learned that the frustration and anger I feel at times is a mix of sadness, helplessness, depression, stress and love for the parents I knew that are no longer present mentally. Dealing with their frustration, confusion and sometimes meaness can make me lose my temper and scream. I continue to pray,for strength, compassion and to show love towards my mom and kindness. I am finding that if I push through my own emotional block and continue to show her kindness speaking in a soft tone, I am able to break through to her. It is an emotional roller coaster. Do not beat yourself up, this is a challenging journey. Make sure you find special ways to take care of yourself, there is only one of you.

I am so glad you posted this and I found it. I have the same feelings and have only shared them with my husband because I'm so ashamed of them and I feel like a terrible daughter. It started When my mother died and my stepfather was unexpectedly in our care. My mother took care of everything and it was incredibly stressful to try and gather all the financial information to pay his bills as well as keep up the house, as he live in another city. We do have caregivers come in the morning and night, and a family member will visit during the afternoon. He had no children of his own and no other close family members. He's extremely negative and contrary, and wants to be in control of his medication. After my mother died he also began making comments about us living together, and even getting married. I can hardly stand to be around him and when I'm there I do my duties and leave as quickly as possible. I want to make sure he's taken care of but this is an extremely difficult and stressful situation. My wise husband has assured me that I am showing him love even though I may not necessarily feel it, and I'm sure it's the same for you as well. I think we just need to hear that it's normal and we are doing a good job. So just know that you are doing a good job and doing the best you can.

We took care of my mom for 5 years and 3 months, until she died of Alzheimer's 6 years ago. At the beginning, I'd tell friends that I couldn't meet for coffee, because I had to take care of my mom, but over time, I changed my thinking and my language to, "I get to take care of my mom," and that change of perspective made all the difference, (although I certainly had moments of stress).

Hi Aannie I am going through something very similar as you are. I have the same feelings you have and I have asked myself the same question. Am I a bad daughter for feeling this way? i have my mother at home on Hospice but unlike your mother, my mother needs full assist she is be ridden. It is very challenging but when I get those feelings I take a time out for myself to assess the situation and ask God to give me the strength to help me keep going so that hopefully I can continue taking care of her until the time of her Demise. So no you are not alone with these kinds of feelings. This job is very challenging physically, mentally, and emotionally so if you feel you can't handle it anymore there is always the option of placing her in a nursing home and that's ok. Good luck with your mom. Seeing other peoples feedback is very helpful and also finding out that you are not alone! Take care.

Dear Frustrated Daughter,
You are not alone. I am in a similar situation with my mother who is 97! I moved in with her 3 years ago and still work full time. I have a caregiver that takes care of her during the day and I take care of her every nite and on one of my days off. She drives me crazy sometimes with her calling me for no reason and waking me up 3 or 4 times a nite. I find myself yelling at her and not just because she is hard of hearing. I recently started to look at old photos of us and our family. It reminds me that this is the person I'm taking care of. I can't says that I blame her for clinging to me. After all she's lost all her siblings and all of her close friends and now I'm the only one left in her world. It makes it easier to be kinder to her and I try to make her laugh whenever I can. I play the balloon game with her which is really good at. You just blow up a balloon and bat it back and forth. It's good arm exercise for her and great for to maintain her reflexes. You can't help but laugh. She also has dementia but it hasn't progressed a lot, but I'm lucky that at least she can't walk much so at least I don;t have to worry about her turning on the stove and leaving it on.
What we are doing is one of the hardest things we will ever have to do. They will push all our buttons until we scream. You need to remember to take care of yourself too. Take a day off and don't feel guilty about it. It really helps a lot. If you don't have the money to hire a caregiver, then check with I.H.S.S ( In home support services ) or the Veterans administration. I'm getting help from both to take care of my mother. My father was a WWII vet and the VA will help the spouses of veterans. I don't know what I would have done without their help. I wish you a lot of luck and thank you for being such a good person! Hang in there!

I hear you and we should chat more! My Mom is 92 years old with Dementia. It is sucking the life out of me!

My opinion- not necessarily fact but it has been confirmed by others I talk to- There is a difference between being a daughter and being a caregiver. I prefer being the daughter. I feel very much the way you
describe when I am the 24/7 caregiver. I suspect there are some people who have the relationship that can bridge that gap and some of us that
relationship just does not function well. I wish I could tell you a simple
answer, but I sit here crying for you because my heart goes out to you.
I have concluded that some people, at that point in their life, have a very
small world and they are not seeing the whole picture. If we can look
through their eyes, and feel the limitations they are in and the challenges
they are facing, it can put a new perspective on things. One thing I
discovered is that feelings are not a sin. God gave them to us for a
good purpose. It is what we do with our feelings that will get us in
trouble. We can let our feelings dictate what we will do, letting feelings
be our god, or we can recognize our feelings, and ask God to open
our eyes and heart to their needs and their lack. Then focus on the
positive things we can do to help. If we focus on ourself, no matter what
situation we are in, we will not be happy. If we focus on the
"whatsoever"s , we can be happy in the middle of the storm.
"Whatsoever things are true...honest...just...pure...lovely....good report"
Phil 4:8
I am glad you asked because I needed reminded of that.
I will pray for you.